CarderPlanet
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No understanding of the structure of self-esteem, the processes of its formation and formation can give no results in the matter of "raising self-esteem."
People who surf the Internet in search of recipes and techniques for raising self-esteem are generally divided into three types. Some have adequately low self-esteem. And doing it, they are more likely to breed problems for themselves. They should be encouraged to focus their efforts not on self-esteem, but on real development and achievements. Then self-esteem will grow.
The latter do not want to increase self-esteem, but to gain confidence. Confidence is essentially security. It is, of course, associated with self-esteem, but not equal to it. This is a separate topic.
And the third group really has low self-esteem, but no recipes from the Internet are suitable for her. I will talk about these people further.
I communicate with a large number of people and enter various companies. In one of them, I happened to observe a very vivid behavior of a person with a really low self-esteem.
It's a girl. This girl is quite nice and pleasant, bright. It attracts a lot of attention from all the members of the company. But she didn't want to admit herself pretty. What, in fact, revealed her low self-esteem. That is, she deliberately assessed herself lower than the environment and refused to agree with this environment.
Every time she appeared in the company, everyone dropped their business and turned their attention to her. All because she came and began to complain about her own worthless appearance, the difficulties of life, loneliness and other sorrows.
Most of the people reacted to this by trying to solve her problems or by assurances of her attractiveness and desirability. Everyone supported as best they could.
But the girl was inconsolable. After a while, she disappeared, leaving behind a veil of sadness and powerlessness. But then she reappeared. All with the same problems.
Of course, this behavior is unconscious. You can not blame the girl for malicious intent and deliberate manipulation of the environment. It's just that when you describe what you observe, it looks like conscious actions. But in fact, none of the participants notices what is happening. And he does not see patterns.
What's going on?
Low self-esteem has secondary benefits. This means that its owner receives benefits from playing this pattern. This girl received a lot of attention, support and compliments.
If she were offered to get rid of all her suffering, but not to receive as much attention anymore, she would almost certainly refuse. This is what she does! She rejects all the offered help, not because it does not fit, but because she does not want to solve her problems. She doesn't want to believe that she is attractive, for example. Because if she believes it, she will no longer have to complain about it. She will have to deal with the fact that she is attractive. And this prospect does not please her. For her, it turns out to be much more profitable to refuse to accept her merits and solve her problems.
Being in problems for her is LESS risky and uncomfortable than solving them and staying in an environment without problems.
What could cause such a balance of power in her soul? Maybe she just doesn't know how to accept support and praise. Let's say she "assimilates" only 10% of what she is given. This means that to satisfy her need for praise, she needs 10 times more praise!
Maybe for her "being attractive and desirable" has hidden consequences and meanings. For example, she may have ambivalent feelings about being in the spotlight: "on the one hand, they look at me and listen to me - it's nice. On the other hand, if I'm wrong, everyone will notice."
Perhaps she uses her low self-esteem as an excuse for other life failures and general life dissatisfaction. That is, instead of admitting that "I did something wrong with my life, I don't like the way I live," she says, "I live badly because I have low self-esteem."
There are completely different options, but most likely, the secondary benefit for this girl is hidden. Perhaps she herself does not notice what she is doing and why. Therefore, you cannot blame her for this. She just adjusted the way she could and does what she's used to. However, if she comes to a good psychologist, he will have to show her this and keep her from running away into low self-esteem again.
People who surf the Internet in search of recipes and techniques for raising self-esteem are generally divided into three types. Some have adequately low self-esteem. And doing it, they are more likely to breed problems for themselves. They should be encouraged to focus their efforts not on self-esteem, but on real development and achievements. Then self-esteem will grow.
The latter do not want to increase self-esteem, but to gain confidence. Confidence is essentially security. It is, of course, associated with self-esteem, but not equal to it. This is a separate topic.
And the third group really has low self-esteem, but no recipes from the Internet are suitable for her. I will talk about these people further.
I communicate with a large number of people and enter various companies. In one of them, I happened to observe a very vivid behavior of a person with a really low self-esteem.
It's a girl. This girl is quite nice and pleasant, bright. It attracts a lot of attention from all the members of the company. But she didn't want to admit herself pretty. What, in fact, revealed her low self-esteem. That is, she deliberately assessed herself lower than the environment and refused to agree with this environment.
Every time she appeared in the company, everyone dropped their business and turned their attention to her. All because she came and began to complain about her own worthless appearance, the difficulties of life, loneliness and other sorrows.
Most of the people reacted to this by trying to solve her problems or by assurances of her attractiveness and desirability. Everyone supported as best they could.
But the girl was inconsolable. After a while, she disappeared, leaving behind a veil of sadness and powerlessness. But then she reappeared. All with the same problems.
Of course, this behavior is unconscious. You can not blame the girl for malicious intent and deliberate manipulation of the environment. It's just that when you describe what you observe, it looks like conscious actions. But in fact, none of the participants notices what is happening. And he does not see patterns.
What's going on?
Low self-esteem has secondary benefits. This means that its owner receives benefits from playing this pattern. This girl received a lot of attention, support and compliments.
If she were offered to get rid of all her suffering, but not to receive as much attention anymore, she would almost certainly refuse. This is what she does! She rejects all the offered help, not because it does not fit, but because she does not want to solve her problems. She doesn't want to believe that she is attractive, for example. Because if she believes it, she will no longer have to complain about it. She will have to deal with the fact that she is attractive. And this prospect does not please her. For her, it turns out to be much more profitable to refuse to accept her merits and solve her problems.
Being in problems for her is LESS risky and uncomfortable than solving them and staying in an environment without problems.
What could cause such a balance of power in her soul? Maybe she just doesn't know how to accept support and praise. Let's say she "assimilates" only 10% of what she is given. This means that to satisfy her need for praise, she needs 10 times more praise!
Maybe for her "being attractive and desirable" has hidden consequences and meanings. For example, she may have ambivalent feelings about being in the spotlight: "on the one hand, they look at me and listen to me - it's nice. On the other hand, if I'm wrong, everyone will notice."
Perhaps she uses her low self-esteem as an excuse for other life failures and general life dissatisfaction. That is, instead of admitting that "I did something wrong with my life, I don't like the way I live," she says, "I live badly because I have low self-esteem."
There are completely different options, but most likely, the secondary benefit for this girl is hidden. Perhaps she herself does not notice what she is doing and why. Therefore, you cannot blame her for this. She just adjusted the way she could and does what she's used to. However, if she comes to a good psychologist, he will have to show her this and keep her from running away into low self-esteem again.
