What not to say to a person who is overwhelmed by negative emotions

[Lord777]

A person who is in a state of anxiety disorder of one degree or another, in fact, loses control over his life. The mechanism that helps us sense danger and take decisive action in an emergency is starting to malfunction in the modern world. The same applies to quite ordinary things - attacks of anger, anger, fear, panic, despair, and so on.

People around, seeing a person in such a state, try to somehow support and help him with advice, and often these advice is more harmful than useful.

According to Scott Bia, a psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic, the lack of understanding of this condition by others and their wrong actions can only exacerbate the situation, making it even more difficult to get out of an unstable state.

Many of the things you think are appropriate that can be said in such a situation have a paradoxical effect - anxiety only intensifies. It looks like quicksand. The more drastic efforts you make to get out, the deeper you are sucked in. Saying a banal “calm down” to a person in such a situation, with a high probability, you will increase his anxiety or panic.

In fact, there are more effective ways to provide care that do not aggravate the person's condition.

1. Don't worry about nonsense
What you consider to be nonsense can be very important in another person's world. Trying to give the situation positive, light shades, you are actually belittling something very important for this person. Try entering the other person's belief system before saying this. In a state of anxiety or panic, everything matters.

There is no need to convince a person of the insignificance of what happened. Instead, reward tactics need to be applied. Remind him that this has happened to him in the past, and he handled these emotions perfectly. This contributes to overcoming the current state and getting out of it.

2. Calm down
The problem with these states is that they are often uncontrollable. The person would be glad to calm down, but he simply cannot. You need special training and work on yourself in order to take control of your emotional state like this, on command.

Keith Humpreys, a psychiatrist at Stanford University, suggests replacing formulaic ineffective phrases with call-to-action words. Maybe we can take a walk in the park? Let's meditate? Let's do something together? A calming activity will distract the person.

3. Just do it
To a greater extent, such situations relate to all sorts of fears and phobias. Someone is terribly afraid to fly, and as an argument hears the teasing "just do it." The problem is that a call to action under pressure or an attempt to take on weakly can exacerbate the fear, triggering a severe panic attack.

Humpries advises using another paradox of our thinking by saying phrases like "I'm sorry this is happening to you." Empathy in this case creates a feeling in a person that he does not need to fight an attack of emotions, and from that moment he begins to calm down.

4. Everything will be fine
Saying this commonplace phrase, you, in fact, never achieve the desired sedative effect. All because they won't believe you. And why will it be all right? An attempt to instill unconfirmed confidence can improve the situation for just a few seconds, and then a person will quickly analyze everything from his position and, not finding and not hearing the reasons why everything will be really good, he plunges deeper into despair.

As strange as it may sound, in Bia's opinion, it is the ability to accept your anxiety instead of trying to banish it, which can have a much better effect.

5. It's the same with me
Another common technique that involves the belief that you feel the same way right now. Even if you do experience the same stress, anxiety, or similar emotions, you shouldn't dwell on this state anyway. You all know very well that depression is contagious. It is worth being with a person in such a state, and you yourself involuntarily begin to experience emotional decline.

When trying to support the other on the basis of “equality of states”, there is a risk of creating “mutual feeding” of each other with negative emotions. Don't grieve together. The optimal will be a joint distraction for some positive action: the same joint walks and a different pastime.

6. Have a drink
You don't even need to say anything here. Getting drunk and forgetting is sheer nonsense. In the short term, that is, right now, it can help, but in the long term it will lead to alcoholism and clinical depression. Over time, the current emotional problems "supported" by alcohol will only worsen.

7. Did I do something wrong?
The worst thing is when a loved one suffers from negative emotions. If you are not the cause, you will still be inclined to assume that it is your own fault for what is happening. This can lead to attempts to control a person's emotions, which will only lead to an aggravation of the problem. You realize that all your efforts are unsuccessful, and you feel angry or frustrated. By giving up, you move away from the problem as a whole, and the person close to you begins to feel rejected, abandoned, guilty that his emotional problems interfere with others.

The only sure way to help is to give up trying to suppress and control the emotions of loved ones. Support is what is required of you in this situation, and the previous advice will help you to behave more correctly.

 

[Tomcat]

Subtle Benefit: Why Not All Negative Emotions Are Negative​

We are used to thinking that if an emotion causes inconvenience and discomfort, we should get rid of it as soon as possible. Clinical psychologist Jade Wu explains why the desire to suppress negative emotions is irrational and meaningless, and explains why we need them and how we can use them.

Why isn't my brain letting me relax? Why am I losing my temper so quickly? Why am I so sad? How I wish I could just gather my strength and become a happy person!
Here are some of the most common questions clients ask me. The same questions about my own emotions tormented me too. We think like this: “Negative emotions are bad. I want to get rid of them. "There is nothing surprising. Fear twists our stomachs, anger makes us lose control, and sadness causes depressed moods. Sometimes these emotions are so strong that we feel like a victim in their stranglehold.
But why do we have them? Why does our brain play such evil tricks on us? And how do we stop feeling these emotions?

Are negative emotions bad?
Let's start with an analysis. Are all negative emotions bad? Should I try to get rid of them? In the end, after millions of years of evolution, we still have thumbs, because they are very useful, and the tails have lost their value, and evolution got rid of them. Therefore, since negative emotions survived this tough selection, there must be a reason for it.
In this article, we'll break down myths about anger, decipher fear, and learn to appreciate sadness. I will also share with you the Golden Rule to help you deal with these emotions and teach you how to benefit from them.

Fear
Everything shrinks inside. The muscles are tense. The heart is pounding. The body is on high alert and the hair stands on end. Sweaty palms and tingling fingertips. A wave of fear sweeps over you, sudden and powerful like an electric shock.
Why is this happening? Imagine that you are a Homo Erectus living in the savanna millions of years ago and have just noticed a saber-toothed tiger lurking behind a bush. Your thinking brain does not have time to analyze: "This creature looks like it can do harm, so I must prepare the body for a critical situation . " Fortunately, a sympathetic nervous system doesn't waste time. It immediately sends an alarm to the entire body to prepare it for fight or flight. Of course, this alarm is felt ... alarming. If it was soothing and pleasant, you wouldn't take the danger seriously, right?
Increased pressure and adrenaline rush help you run faster to your home cave. You will survive today. And tomorrow. You may even be lucky to find yourself a mate and continue your family.
Now answer the question, is fear good for you? Yes, he is literally capable of saving lives! Even in today's world, where saber-toothed tigers no longer lurk behind bushes, fear still helps us survive. In a dark alley, our skin gets goose bumps. We will think twice before making a risky decision. And we retreat when someone approaches us with clearly malevolent intentions.
But not everyone in a critical situation acts this way.
A 2012 study compared the responses of healthy individuals and patients with dissocial personality disorder to images of fearful faces. The photographs were displayed on a computer screen, and the participants used a joystick to zoom in or out of the images. Healthy participants tended to scale down photographs. The participants with the disorder, in turn, did not even try to avoid them. This response was associated with the level of their conscious aggression. Research has shown that a lack of fear can be a sign of composure.
In addition, many of us are afraid of things that lead to negative consequences. For example, in 2005, healthy participants in brain research learned to fear photographs of faces with mustaches. Each time they saw these faces, they felt the discomfort of being pushed with pressurized air. During this process, the area of the brain responsible for fear was activated and responded to irritation with an appropriate response - sweating. But participants with mental health problems reacted differently. They didn't sweat, and their brains weren't very active.
The bottom line is that fear not only contributes to survival, but also helps to maintain peace among the members of the tribe. If we were deprived of the ability to experience fear, everyone we meet could turn out to be a psychopath, which would make our world a much more dangerous place.

Anger
Shouts and threats. Scattered things. Loose fists. Is this anger? No! This is aggression.
First of all, let's eliminate the myth that anger and aggression are one and the same. This is not true. You can get mad without hurting anyone. You can poison someone without feeling irritation towards the person.
Anger is an emotion. Aggression is behavior.
If anger and aggression were one, then naturally anger would be considered a terrible feeling. We would like to get rid of it, and we would judge others for what they are experiencing. But in reality, anger is a normal, healthy emotion.
Let's remember our ancestor Homo Erectus. Imagine that a representative of this species has been diligently picking berries all day, and I stole them. What is she experiencing? Anger, of course! Most likely, she feels tension, anxiety, as if a flame is burning inside her. This feeling prompts her to confront me (in this case, hitting the head with a truncheon).
If she hadn't been angry, what would have happened? I would continue to steal from her. In any case, there would be no consequences for me for taking advantage of this cave woman.
In the modern world, there are more sophisticated ways of confronting that do not include clubs. If my sandwich is missing from the office refrigerator, I can express how I feel about it. I will ask you to apologize and promise that the sandwich thief will no longer do this.
In this way, I will not only protect my sandwiches from further encroachment, but also increase the opinion of my colleagues about me. A 2001 study published in Personality and Social Psychology asked readers to rate how often their colleagues expressed various emotions, including anger. It turned out that how often people expressed anger was positively related to how competent their colleagues felt. Moreover, workers who expressed their dissatisfaction when something did not suit them more often received higher wages and had a good chance of being promoted.
Of course, I do not advise you to walk around the office, yelling at people, throwing staplers. Remember, anger is not aggression. Anger tells you that something unfair has happened, that someone has done wrong or hurt someone. The options for the development of events in such a situation are varied: you can shout at the cause of indignation, express a peaceful protest, use different strategies for solving problems - the main thing is to make the right choice. In any case, being angry is not bad - it helps to understand that something is wrong, and you need to correct the situation.
Now let's turn around 180 degrees and consider another "negative" emotion.

Sadness
With this emotion, everything is complicated. Sadness is heavy and slow. It drains energy and motivates you. How can sadness be beneficial at all?
When do we feel sad? When we lose loved ones. When the relationship we cherished ends. When we don't get what we longed for. Everyone has experienced this.
What could have happened if we did not feel it at such moments? There would be no funeral, because the death of a loved one would not affect us in any way. Most likely, we would not even appreciate our relatives, what else is with us. We would not cherish the relationship because losing it would not hurt. We would not know which goal is important to us, because failure would not unsettle us.
Feeling sad on an intuitive level lets us know what we value most in life. Thanks to her, we learn from our mistakes and remember to appreciate what we have. When combined with joy, excitement, and other positive feelings, sadness allows us to experience a rich range of emotions that shed light on our values and shape our behavior.
In fact, conflicting feelings are even healthier. The study, which involved nearly 200 people, found that those who tended to experience both positive and negative emotions had better health later on. This small but statistically significant detail still outweighs the benefits of purely positive emotions. In other words, experiencing conflicting emotions is beneficial.
Summarize. Negative emotions have a bad reputation because they are uncomfortable and we think they are useless and dangerous. But in reality, these emotions have their own benefits.
Fear is a reliable alarm. Anger exposes injustice. And sadness makes it clear what is important to us.

The Golden Rule of Dealing with Negative Emotions
There is a golden rule to help you deal with negative emotions: remember that it's okay to feel what you are feeling. Accept the emotion and analyze how it affects you. Do not fight with it, because, most likely, you will lose, at best you will just postpone solving the problem until later. Give these emotions time and they will tell you what you need to know in order to keep moving forward. Just try it!

Disclaimer
All information provided here is for informational purposes only. This information does not replace the help of a professional psychiatrist. If you have problems, contact a licensed technician.

About the author
Dr. Jade Wu is a licensed clinical psychologist. She received her PhD from Boston University, received a fellowship and completed a clinical residency at Duke University School of Medicine.