"We turn on the charm according to the methods of the special services": the main ideas

[Brother]

The author of the book, a former employee of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Department, knows firsthand how to get people around. On account of his dozens of successful interrogations and recruitment of foreign agents. Colossal experience helped him to generalize his knowledge of how to use charm and win friends. Knowledge of the peculiarities of the psychology of people, the patterns of their behavior will help you to significantly improve your communication skills.

Friendship Formula​

The key concept that helps to build any trusting relationship is the friendship formula:

Friendship = intimacy + duration + frequency + intensity.

Proximity in this case means distance between people. No relationship is possible without a person nearby . In addition to distance, a safe environment contributes to intimacy. Otherwise, the interlocutor turns on the defense mechanisms of fight or flight - and, of course, no friendship will work. However, remember that the pursuit of intimacy should not turn into a violation of personal space.
Duration and frequency characterize the time you spend with your object of interest. The higher this indicator, the more influence you have on the thoughts and actions of each other.

Intensity refers to the ability to meet a person's psychological needs through communication. This is perhaps the most important component of a friendship that characterizes the depth and quality of the relationship.

Using this formula, you will be able to sort out your relationship and understand exactly where the problem lies. Perhaps you only communicate at a distance? Or do you do it too rarely? By targeting the weakest link, you can revitalize the relationship.

How to get attention to yourself​

Evolutionarily, man developed mainly in a hostile and highly competitive environment. To survive in such conditions, he needed to quickly and efficiently distinguish between friends and enemies. Our brains are constantly scanning our environment for non-verbal cues. It is the presence of such signals that forms "inexplicable" sympathy or antipathy towards complete strangers. Therefore, if you want to grab someone's attention and increase the chances of developing friendships, use the following non-verbal signs:

• A smile is a very obvious signal and we will not dwell on it.
• Raising the eyebrows is a simple and subtle gesture that indicates the presence of interest in a person.
• Head tilt - this gesture exposes the most vulnerable spot - the area of the neck with the carotid artery and it clearly indicates a friendly attitude, both in men and women.
• Eye contact - at the initial stage of acquaintance, it should be short - no more than 1 second, otherwise it will be mistaken for a signal of hostility.
• Touch is a powerful and therefore somewhat dangerous sign of sympathy. Usually, even a light and casual touch can help you move to a new level of intimacy. However, if the person's reaction was negative, this indicates a hostile attitude, and you will still have to work hard to form mutual understanding.
• Isopraxia means imitating the gestures and posture of the interlocutor. This is a simple, discreet and very effective way to show your friendly attitude. The brain perceives this behavior as completely innocent (as opposed to gazing or touching), but friendly.

It is equally important to be aware of the hostile signals that indicate that you do not inspire confidence in the person. Here is some of them:

• A long gaze is a manifestation of aggression and includes a person's defensive reactions.
• Evaluating gaze - is expressed in the examination of a person from head to toe. For a loved one, this can be a compliment, but a stranger will perceive it as a sign of disrespect.
• Eye rolling. A gesture like this indicates that the person thinks your behavior is stupid or inappropriate.
• Aggressive posture - expressed in widely spaced legs, raised chin. Also, a person can place their hands on their hips.
• Frowning brows and narrowed eyes are signs of anger.

The golden rule of friendship​

The use of non-verbal cues helps warm up the interlocutor and establish first contact. Then you have to move on to verbal communication. This very moment is very important in the further relationship building. How to make it so that the person would be pleased to communicate with you, and he would like to do it over and over again? There is a simple strategy, which is formulated like this: "If you want to please a person, make him like him . " If after each meeting with you a person grows up in his own eyes, he will want to experience this feeling again and again. The following tips will help you implement this rule:

• Use empathetic expressions. These are phrases that express the emotions of the interlocutor. For example: "It looks like today is your lucky day." Or, "I see you were very annoyed by this." Such statements shift the focus of attention to who you are communicating with, and also show that you are really following the conversation and delving into the feelings of the other person.
• Use indirect compliments. The line between compliment and flattery is very thin, and can alienate an unfamiliar interlocutor. Therefore, you need a more sophisticated approach. Make him compliment himself. For example, say, "You have to be very persistent to complete this project." The logical conclusion that a person will make would be: "Yes, I am really persistent if I could do it."
• Ask for a small favor. Then the next time the person is more willing to agree to more. Everything follows the same principle. By helping you, he will feel his worth. Naturally, this method should not be overused.

Laws of attraction​

The following empirical laws help you establish intimacy with another person and greatly increase your chance of being known as charming.

• The law of similarity - the more points of contact you have, the more the interlocutor likes you.
• Shared experiences - experiencing events together - is a very good way to quickly build trust.
• A positive side effect. If any external event caused positive emotions, the person is likely to provoke them on the one who was nearby at that moment.
• Curiosity. Humans are extremely curious creatures. By evoking this feeling in someone, you will surely draw attention to your person.
• Reciprocity. It is natural for a person to reciprocate the actions of other people. If you smile, you will most likely receive the same in return. Having done a small favor, you will most likely not be denied help.
• Inaccessibility. The Forbidden fruit is sweet. And therefore, a certain level of complexity in a relationship arouses curiosity and the desire to take possession of this fruit. It is important here not to overdo it, and not push the person away.

The main rules of verbal communication​

The basis of any relationship is communication - and first of all it is verbal communication. To achieve the location of the interlocutor, it is necessary to take into account some of the characteristics of people that make them different from the technical means of transmitting and receiving information.

Rule 1. Listen. A person thinks 4 times faster than he speaks. That is why it is so difficult to listen to someone without being distracted by extraneous thoughts. Therefore, listening is a very profitable asset that few people have. Follow these tips to become an active listener:

• Allow your partner to express their thoughts to the end before speaking yourself;
• Do not ponder the answer while listening, but ponder the words of the interlocutor;
• Be prepared to compliment or express sympathy;
• Ask clarifying questions;
• Have important conversations in an appropriate setting.

Rule 2. Observe. The success of communication largely depends on how you are able to interpret the feedback from the interlocutor, and, depending on this, adjust the conversation. For this, it is very important to be able to analyze non-verbal signals. If you notice negative signs, such as pursed lips, defensive postures, think about what made the person feel negative in your words and try to eliminate the threat.

Rule 3. Avoid conversation traps. The most common ones are:

• Discussion of controversial topics (especially religious and political issues);
• Complaints about personal, family or business problems;
• Concentration of the topic of conversation around yourself;
• Too long idle chatter;
• Overly expressive expression of emotions.

Establishing and maintaining long-term relationships​

Let's remember the formula of friendship. It requires proximity, intensity, frequency, and duration. And of course, all of these components are especially important in building long-term, strategic relationships. But, perhaps, the main factor in this case will be intensity - the ability to satisfy the psychological needs of another person. To increase the intensity, you need to take care of the following things:

• Participation. It manifests itself in an active interest in the life of a loved one, his victories and defeats, as well as care and help in problem situations.
• Active listening - as well as at any other stages of a relationship, active listening helps to understand the desires, problems and needs of another person, which means it allows them to be satisfied.
• Reinforcement. In psychology, this term means a system of rewards and punishments. We “reward” our partner for the behavior we like and “punish” the behavior that hurts. Since all people are different, certain friction between them is inevitable. Of course, rewards should prevail in a trusting relationship. With regard to punishments, a compromise solution should always be sought.

Of course, don't forget about the rest of the friendship formula. You should see the person often enough and for a long time, while it should be personal meetings - this is necessary to achieve intimacy.

Summary​

The key to understanding how trust develops is the friendship formula. By influencing components such as intimacy, duration, frequency, and intensity, you can build strong relationships. Use non-verbal cues to gain favor with the other person and to notice mistakes in your behavior. Make the person like himself - and he will look forward to every new meeting with you. To do this, be an active listener, with caution, but generously express compliments and show him all kinds of signs of care and attention.