Three points of view on the world and how to change your life by changing your point of view

[Brother]

Are you familiar with situations when you first broke into a conflict, and then thought: why did I need this, only ruined my mood? Or have your personal boundaries been pushed through, but you did not immediately notice? How to track the impending conflict in advance next time, how to keep personal boundaries and how to generally learn to respond consciously is the topic of this article.

Perceptual positions are the points of view from which a person observes what is happening. You can observe from the position:

• "I", when you are focused on yourself,

• "You" when you are focused on something else,

• "Observer" - the so-called view from the outside.

By changing the position of perception, you can change the reaction. I will tell you what these positions look like using an example when they stepped lightly on the foot.

1. Position "I" - concentration on yourself, on your feelings, "I" - the center of the universe: "I am outraged / ah, what an elephant, I almost crushed my leg, you have to look where you are going . "It can be said out loud, or it can just flicker in your thoughts.

2. The position of "You" - concentration on the other, on his feelings, the center of the universe - the other: "What happened to you, you stumbled, did not hurt yourself?"

3. Position "Observer" - exit from the switched on position, look from the side: a person walked by, stumbled, accidentally stepped on.

The first two positions are included, the third is removed.

There are no good or bad positions, there are appropriate and inappropriate positions. For example, let's say you're going on vacation and buying a tour. When buying, you focus on yourself: you choose a hotel with a beautiful interior and good cuisine, mentally try your back on a sun lounger on the beach, feel a glass of mojito in your hands, ask about the duration of the flight, trying on yourself in an airplane chair. The position of "I" is adequate here, it is important to pass all the details through the "I" in order to listen to the sensations and make the right choice.

And suddenly the travel agent offers an expensive excursion in addition that you don't need. Vividly describes, juggles your attention, applying the technique "see, hear, feel": so that you can see the crimson sun setting behind the horizon, feel your feet sink pleasantly into the warm sand, hear the sound of the surf, feel the taste of salty spray and goosebumps from the pleasant breeze. If "I" is your leading position, you can fall into it, go for momentary emotions, live through the agent's description. You can first buy an unnecessary excursion by passing it through the "I", only then you will think: "Why?".

If the leading position is "You", concentration on others is closer to you, this will be the weak point. If the agent adds: "Take it, they demand from me to sell, otherwise the premiums will be deprived." An outsider drags you into his reality and switches you to "You". If you, out of habit, spontaneously switch to "You", you can buy unnecessary for reasons of "sorry to refuse a good person."

In order not to fall into the included positions, you need a well-trained "Observer". In the "Observer" you mentally pause the situation, mentally step back a few steps, mentally fence off with armored glass, turn off the sound and observe through the glass from the side, without emotion: the agent, yourself, your interaction. The goal is to change the on state to a side view. If you disconnect from “I” and “You” in time, take a break, mentally go out of the armored glass, this will save you from an impulsive decision. It may take a few minutes at first, but as you work out it will be reduced to seconds.

If you do not learn to manage positions consciously, they will form on their own, without your participation, taking you to distant places where you, perhaps, did not want to at all. If a person lives spontaneously from the "I" - he passes everything through himself. The advantage of this position is that life is bright, there are many emotions. “I” is, among other things, spontaneity and childlike spontaneity. This is the brightness and livability of all the midtones. Minus - a person as mentally tries on a chaise longue with his back, and tries on all the accidents in the world for himself. He almost physically experiences all the events that accidentally come into his field of vision. He is instantly drawn into the conflict in order to defend his “I”.

If he lives from "You", then those around him, their feelings and needs are more important than their own. It is a life outside of oneself, a feeling in others. Sometimes to the point of ignoring the "I". But skillful mastery of this position is the path to intimacy, acceptance. In this position there is empathy, empathy is sharpened, trust is born. This is someone else's expert position, it is important in treatment, training, in any work with expert opinion.

In the “Observer” position, there are no emotions, life is a set of actions. The process, which is observed from the outside, without involvement. Possession of the "Observer" contributes to the ability to switch to a cold mind, in emergency cases not to panic, to control oneself. Ability to collect the whole picture of the situation into a single whole.

There are no good or bad positions; there are those that are adequate or inadequate to the goals of a particular situation. In "I" we want to be heard, to be accepted, hugged, given candy, stroked on the head. In "You" we can share our candy. In Observer, especially if the partner also owns this position, together we can rise above the situation, get the telescope and see where the nearest candy store is, and work out the route together.

Exercises for training positions:

1. In the next few dialogues, notice from which position you are most used to communicate. Do you concentrate more on yourself and your feelings in the “I” position? Or are you more accustomed to entering the position of others, moving into the position of "You", and pushing the position of "I"? Or are you accustomed to the "Observer": as a scientist, you observe connections in a situation from the outside? Maybe all your positions are well developed? Do you control them, or are they you?

2. Also try to do it in a conflict. Consciously remember the positions, notice exactly how you conflict, say from the “I”: “I told you, it will be my way!” or you give up the position of “You”: “Let it be your way”, or do you rise above the situation in the “Observer”, look from the side, see the situation in volume, in a 3-D model, can you mentally zoom in, remove, detail the necessary parts?

3. Try to deliberately live one day from “I”, one from “You”, one from “Observer”. Notice how these states differ, how you feel about yourself in each. Which is easier, which is more difficult? Pay special attention to the harder one.

When you learn to control the positions of perception, from the "Observer" you will notice a conflict on the distant approaches, from the "I" you will be able to instantly catch the violation of boundaries, and from the "You" see and hear another, and not your reflection in it from the "I".

What is the peculiarity of self-therapy, and why working with a psychologist is more effective than independent

When a person has developed only the “I” position, he lives out of it, then in self-therapy there is a chance to fall into “I”. "My parents tormented me, I felt bad, I feel terrible." Not owning "You" and "Observer", our hero will stick to "I", physically live through all the pain of the world, exhaust himself and fall exhausted. We need someone close by who, at the very depths of the “I”, will support and will be a support. If he notices that he is completely carried away to the "I", he will smoothly help to get out.

If a person has a more developed "You-position", he will reflect on the motives of his tormentors, why they behaved so, what moved them, can build chains of excuses. At such moments, the psychologist smoothly transfers attention from the position of "You" to "I." If there was a lot of pain, the person disconnects from the "I", when approaching the "I" he mentally flies away. No access to myself. It hurts too much to feel, access is closed. But without immersion in the "I" deep work is also inaccessible.

If the position of "Observer" is more developed, the person will not plunge into "it is not clear why the necessary feelings". He will rationally explain to himself: the parents worked a lot, the time was hard, yes, they were frustrated, they could not do it any other way.

 

[Tomcat]

Technique: Life Remembrance​

Human memory is unreliable. And this phenomenon can be used in practical applications. If you had a cloudless childhood and rely on an equally cloudless future life, then perhaps you do not need this technique. Although, it is useful to be aware of the problems of other people - you will be able to understand the origins of their behavior and even help with something worthwhile.

Scientists have found that certain character traits, or, if you like, long-term habits, are formed in a person by chance as a result of childhood experiences.

A man chopped a jar of jam as a child. He quickly hid it, and then lied to his parents that it was a cat. The parents believed, and the young man was left with a conclusion: if you quickly hide the ends in the water and convincingly lie, you will always get out.

Another in the same situation did the same. I was very afraid. His parents believed, but he accidentally came up with another conclusion: it is better to tell the truth than to worry like that.

The third person in this situation honestly confessed, got into all the places. And I decided to myself: next time I will lie to the last.

Another confessed, he was praised. He was left with the thought that he can spoil it as he pleases, the main thing is to honestly admit it later.

The situation is the same - the conclusion may be different.

The nuance lies in the fact that we cannot predict what conclusions a person will have in his head.

Then the person forgets that these were conclusions from a particular case. And this remains the rule - a persuasion-habit for a long life. Not even very conscious anymore. A person always does this, this is his golden rule.

A little boy invited the girl to play cars with him. The girl said, "Get out of here, you fool." The boy remained convinced for life that it is better not to approach women. They are unpredictable and aggressive. Although that girl managed to forget this incident a hundred times. She had nothing left in her mind at all. Or maybe it remains: the best way to flirt with boys is to send them to hell.

If we see in ourselves situations of periodic breakdowns, then our task is to remember the very first early memory, from which we made the habit of falling into such breakdowns. If we find it and rethink it there, then a person's reaction to such typical situations changes for the rest of his life. We can draw healthier conclusions and the person will have a healthier life.

Another brilliant assumption was confirmed: it does not matter whether it was, it is important whether the person believes that it was. In other words, some character traits may appear not as a result of a real event, but as a result of something well-imagined.

After some time, they came to another conclusion: human memories are rarely directly related to what actually happened.

Memories are flash-like, as if right now, with clear details, most often instant images. These outbreaks rarely last more than a few seconds. In most cases, the person has no control over this. Otherwise, as in deep hypnosis, a person is often unable to remember this at all. In other cases, a person remembers his rationalization as to how it could be.

This is called the phenomenon of false memory, induced memory. Even the testimony changes with each subsequent memory. If for the first time a person says that he saw, it seems, someone in a dim light, then for the fifth time he will confidently say that he saw Roman in this red sweater. And he will be absolutely sure of what he really saw.

Human memory is unreliable. And this plays into our hands. Because if we understand that everything that we remember about our past is mostly fiction, then the question no longer arises whether our memory is false or false. The question arises: which of the false memories is convenient for us? If a person remembers some rubbish about his life, then he now has some difficulties. Let him remember how it should be. Let him remember how it was "in reality."

How fireworks thundered throughout the country in honor of his birthday; how the Karlson squadron flew with cakes; how the police marched in formation and saluted; young people got down on one knee and held out roses; how the girls kissed and blushed; the elephants were dancing; genies flew. Brothers and sisters loved, parents were friendly from the very beginning to the end. Suddenly a magician arrived in a blue helicopter.

Not the fact that it is necessary to tell about it to others. For an autobiography, it is useful to leave a scanty list of graduated educational institutions. But for yourself! Man has no past. He has a momentary imagination of the past, which he considers memory. It instantly acts on him. So why do we need something bad for the moment? We need something good to work. We are trying for ourselves, not for anyone else. And so the challenge is to remember life “correctly”. And each time to recall it in a suitable mood.

What are we doing now? Are we dancing? I've been dancing all my life! I've been playing flamenco since I was three. All my relatives told me about it. The main thing is not to regret what is good for yourself.

Another episode: the girl did not communicate with any young man. Parents parted early, lived with my mother. Mom always told her that she would be left alone.

Disorder! So, we remember the happy life with dad and mom up to this very moment. We went to shops, took them by the hand, celebrations together, candy cakes. Anything you want. To yourself, after all! We remembered the older brother. It doesn't matter that he was born later. Older and that's it. He defended, helped, shore, drove to school, drove from school. Where now? He left somewhere. All holidays - with the family at sea. Birthday parties with a bunch of friends and girlfriends.

Since she lived with her mother, she remembered her family as poor. Disorder! Even the slippers were trimmed with mink. And coral toilets.

From all this, a person only has a sense of himself. A state that allows you to get what you want, to hit the target. And not systematically smear, because "he has been a loser since childhood."

One guy grew up in an orphanage. We remembered him for more than 20 years with our parents, with brothers-sisters, with gatherings. It was even happiness for him to remember that his parents had quarreled and reconciled again. The guy has been married for several years now, he has children. The wife complains: "I got it with my conversations -" But it was accepted with us. " However, he has these memories.

You can recall many such episodes. The meaning is always the same: if something seems to us to be our memory, this is not a reason to take it for granted. And sometimes - a reason. It can be useful and unhelpful. If this memory is useful to us, let it be. It doesn't matter if it doesn't agree with the previous and the next. The person still does not agree on this. But if it is not useful, then you should not pretend that nothing like that happened. It was! But in a completely different way. Not that the parents gave up not for three hours, but for only two and a half. And they themselves came, and they brought gifts, and they brought the aunts, and the round dance spun until the soul became light and joyful. Then we move on to the next episode.

One girl was very afraid to be alone in the room, because once she was robbed in a rented apartment. She very well imagined that she could be at home, she could be beaten, raped, although this did not even happen. But having presented it once, she has since become afraid. Well, they remembered her in a different way. That she saw the robbers, she nailed each one in the groin, in the bottom, on the neck, and dragged them to the police in half corpses. And now she feels calm in empty rooms.

Another woman had an unsuccessful seven-year marriage. And therefore, the second, beginning, marriage also began to deteriorate slightly. So she remembered that she did not have a seven-year marriage, she had a trip to Europe. And now - the first marriage.

Naturally, a person chooses the content of new correct memories for himself. There is no need to "cheat" or "suggest".

We don't care how it was. It is important for us to do as it was, as it is needed now. This is the meaning of changing the subjective-personal history.

If you don't like the memory, then it's bad. Anything that you don't like is false and wrong. Everything that you like in memories is true and true.

I personally met with Claudia Schifer. She said that I have a wonderful style and she will take an example from me. Who else but Claudia Schiefer take an example from me?

Studying Ericksonian hypnosis? Remember your 18 meetings with Milton Erickson, sorry, or what?

You can go to the beginning that seems to be the very beginning, even from Rurik, and in detail, with pleasure, in small and large episodes, remember, carefully watching so that you do not do any dirty tricks. If something is wrong, rewind.

"All my ancestors had a luxurious head of hair."

The criterion that you are doing everything right: a blissfully relaxed state with an exciting smile: life is good. And it will get even better. Then figure out a few episodes ahead. Rather catching the mood. The most important thing in this technique is to remake the mood in which you live. The rest will change to suit him.

At the exit to the present, all such situations should be remembered with a radically different feeling. What will happen in the future, you calmly, deeply, sincerely, without tension - you are sure! Everything will be fine! Because everything in life has always been good. I have been lucky since birth. Was born successfully, overtook a bunch of spermatozoa. Even then it was lucky.

Total: you now have approximately 20-25 minutes. To be detailed and with a soul, to remember everything, but correctly.

The output should be: a happy life was, is and will be.

That is why we rewind the tape so that, mentally reworking the circumstances, we automatically fall into the submodalities of the past. Then for the unconscious it all becomes valid. We consciously remember all the conclusions that we made, but the attitude towards our life begins to be normal.

Can I redo it later? Can. What if the episodes are not consistent? Nothing, everyone is like that.