Lord777
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Fine art don't give a damn
When most people hear about the ability to give a damn, they imagine a person who, in his calm serenity, does not care about any storms of life. They imagine a subject that cannot be touched or stirred.
But do you know what is the name of a person who does not show emotions and does not see the point in anything? Psychopath. I don't think you have the slightest desire to become a psychopath.
So what does it mean to be able to give a damn? Consider three "subtleties" that will clarify the situation.
Subtlety # 1: Being able to give a damn doesn't mean indifference it is the ability to remain different
Let's say without equivocation. There is nothing delightful and worthy about indifference. Indifferent people are miserable inadequacies. These are couch vegetables and internet trolls. Indifferent people often only pretend to be indifferent, because deep down they do not give a damn.
They don't give a damn what people think of their hair, so they don't wash or brush their hair. They don't give a damn what people think of their ideas, so they hide behind sarcasm and arrogant jokes. They are afraid that someone will come close to them, so they imagine themselves to be special, fragile creatures, whose problems no one can understand.
Indifferent people are afraid of the world and the consequences of their own choices. That's why they don't make any meaningful choices. They hide in a gray and soulless hole that they have dug for themselves, consumed by themselves and self-pity. And they always run away from this annoying thing that takes time and effort and is called life.
For you know what the mean thing is? By and large, it's impossible to give a damn. You must have something that you care about . This is a physiological need: to always worry about something, to be not indifferent.
So the question is: what do we give a damn about? What choice will we make? And how to give a damn about what ultimately doesn't matter?
Recently, my mother was tricked into extracting money from a close friend of hers. If I were indifferent, I would have shrugged my shoulders, sipped a mocha and downloaded another season of The Wire. Sorry Mom.
And I was outraged. I was pissed off. I said, “Damn it, mom! We go to a lawyer and look for a way to take this bastard by the throat. Why? Because I don't give a damn. I'll ruin the bastard's life if need be."
So, subtlety number one. When we say "Mark Manson knows how to give a damn and score", we do not mean that "Mark Manson does not care." We mean something else: he doesn't care that on the way to his goals he will be in trouble, or that someone is annoyed by actions that he considers right, important and worthy. We mean: Mark Manson is one of those people who will write about themselves in the third person just because they think it is right. And he doesn't care about someone else's opinion.
This is what you can admire. Yes, not me, a cudgel: overcoming difficulties, a willingness to be yourself, to be an outcast and a pariah in the name of your values. A willingness to face failure and show them the middle finger. Admire people who spit on difficulties and failures, are not afraid to get into an awkward position, are not afraid to screw up several times. People who laugh and do what they believe. They do it because they think it is right. Such people know: there are things more important than themselves, and their feelings, and their pride, and their egos. They do not care about everything, but about everything that is of secondary importance. They save their nerves for what is truly important. For friends. Families. Goals. Burrito. One or two trials. But, since they save their nerves only for big and significant things,
And here's another bastard. You will not be able to play an important and key role for some people without becoming a laughing stock and a hindrance to others. It just won't work. For there is always resistance. Is always. As they say, wherever you go, the end is the same. This applies to both hardships and failures. Everywhere you go, there is a huge pile of shit waiting for you. And this is the norm. And the challenge is not to get away from shit. It's about finding shit that you enjoy dealing with.
Subtlety # 2: In order not to worry about adversity, you need to worry about more important things
Let's say you're queuing at a store. In front of you, an old woman makes a noise at the cashier who did not accept her 30 cent coupon. And why is she so worried? It's only 30 cents.
I'll explain why. This woman has nothing else to do but sit at home and cut coupons. She is old and lonely. Her kids are dumbass who never visit her. She hadn't had sex for thirty years. She cannot release gas without experiencing severe pain in the lower back. And her pension is tiny, and she will die in diapers, imagining herself in a fairyland.
It remains to cut coupons. There is nothing else. Just her and the damn coupons. She doesn't worry about anything anymore, because she has nothing to worry about anymore. And when the pimply seventeen-year-old cashier refuses to take the coupon and defends the inviolability of his cash register with the courage with which the former knights defended the virginity of their beloved, the granny cannot help but explode. Eighty years of hassle falls on the unfortunate like a flurry of fire: "And in my time ...", "... people showed more respect." And further in the same spirit.
The trouble with people who are as generous as a summer's day on a popsicle is that they have nothing else to do.
But if you're worried about all sorts of nonsense - a new ex-boyfriend picture on Facebook, the longevity of the batteries in the TV remote control, and buying two hand gels for the price of one - there will be no room in life for serious worries. And this is a real problem. Not a hand gel. And not a TV remote.
I heard an artist say that when a person has no problems, his mind makes them up. In my opinion, most - especially the educated, well-groomed white middle class - see "life problems" as the usual consequence of not having more important things to worry about.
This means that finding something important and meaningful in life is the most productive way to use your time and energy. For if you do not find such a meaningful occupation, you will fray your nerves for empty and lightweight reasons.
Subtlety # 3: Whether you realize it or not, it's up to you what to worry about
The ability to spit is not innate. We are born with the opposite quality. Have you seen how heart-rendingly a child cries when he has a panama hat of the wrong shade of blue? That's it! Well, him, baby, in fig.
When we are young, everything is new and exciting and everything seems important. So we freak out at every step. We are nervous about everything and everyone: what people say about us, will this cool guy / cool girl call us, will we be able to pick up a second sock in a pair and what color the balloon will be for our birthday.
Then we get older and more experienced. We notice that a lot of time was wasted, and most of these things did not have a lasting impact on our destiny. People whose opinion we valued have disappeared from our lives. The love failures that hurt were for the better. We are also aware of how little attention people pay to the minor details of our lives. And we decide not to freak out on these occasions.
In essence, we become selective about what to worry about. This is called maturity. By the way, try it: useful quality. It occurs when you learn to worry just about things that deserve it. […]
As we get even older and middle age, something else begins to change. The energy supply decreases. Our identity is being strengthened. We know who we are and accept ourselves with all our strengths and weaknesses. And oddly enough, it is liberating. You no longer need to worry about everything in a row. Life is what it is. We accept her with all her warts. We realize that we will never cure cancer, fly to the moon and touch Jennifer Aniston's boobs. Well, okay. Life goes on. But we don't give a damn about the more important parts of our lives: family, best friends and golf swing. And to our amazement, this is enough. Everything becomes easier, and it brings lasting satisfaction. […]
The Misadventures of the Panda of Disappointment
If I could invent a superhero, I would invent the Panda of Disappointment. He would wear a funny mask around his eyes and a T-shirt (with a big T) too small for his big belly. And his superpower would be that he would tell people the harsh truth about them - necessary, but unwanted.
He would go door-to-door like a Bible distributor, call the tenants and say unpleasant things, such as, "Big profits will make you feel better, but the kids won't love you for it." Or, "If you ask yourself if you trust your wife, you probably don't." Or: "What you call friendship is just a constant attempt to impress others." Then he would wish the tenant a good day and leisurely set off to the next house.
That would be awesome. And it's hard. And it's sad. And life-affirming. And it is necessary. After all, listening to the greatest truths is the most troublesome.
Nobody wants to meet such a Panda. But most of us need it. His words would be like fresh vegetables against the background of the mental canned food that we consume. He would spoil our mood, but he made life better. He would make us stronger, striking at the very heart, and would illuminate the future with light, showing the darkness. Listening to it is like watching a movie in which the hero dies at the end: it's hard for you, but you understand how realistic everything is, and you can't tear yourself away.
If so, let me put on the Disappointment Panda mask and give you some bad news. […]
You are not unique
[…] The deeper the pain, the more vulnerable we feel in our problems and the more we untie our hands in an attempt to compensate for the problems. This setup works in one of two ways:
Seemingly opposite things, but the egoistic stuffing is the same. People who think they are special often oscillate between both extremes. They are either at the top of the world or at the bottom, depending on the day of the week and the effectiveness of self-deception. […]
However, there are no unique problems at all! With problems like yours, millions of people have lived in the past, live now and will live in the future. It is very possible that there are such people among your acquaintances. This does not detract from the problems and does not mean that you should not be in pain. This does not mean that under some circumstances you needlessly consider yourself a victim.
This means one thing: you are not unique.
Often, knowing only this fact - that there is nothing special about the seriousness and pain of your problems - becomes the first and most important step towards solving them.
For some reason, more and more people, especially young people, are forgetting about it. Many professors and teachers note the lack of emotional stability and an excess of selfish demands among today's youth. Often, books are removed from the school curriculum just because they annoy someone. […] Psychologists state: more than ever, many students experience extreme emotional stress due to the most common school problems - quarrels with a classmate, poor grades in class.
It is strange that in the era of universal communication, the feeling of their uniqueness has reached a maximum. Something about modern technology allows our complexes to roam like never before. The more freedom of expression we are given, the more we want to free ourselves from having to deal with people who disagree with us or upset us. The more often we come across opposing points of view, the more unhappy that these points of view exist. The easier and more problem-free our lives become, the more unique we consider the remaining problems.
Without a doubt, the internet and social media are marvels. In many ways, our time is the best in history. But it may be that socially, these technologies have an undesirable side effect. The technologies that have brought freedom and knowledge to so many people have inspired many with a sense of uniqueness that their ancestors did not know .
The tyranny of exclusivity
Most of us are pretty average at most things. Even if we are in some way aces, otherwise we are probably middle peasants, or even worse. This is how life works. To achieve mastery in anything, you need to spend a lot of time and effort. And since our time and energy are limited, almost no one achieves true mastery in several things at once (if at least in something).
From a statistical point of view, it is unthinkable that the same person will achieve amazing success in all (or even in many) areas of life. Successful businessmen often do not know how to build a family life. Famous athletes are often empty and dumb, like a traffic jam after a lobotomy. Many celebrities know no better how to live than the simpletons who stare at them with their mouths open and imitate every sneeze of a great man.
We are all average in most respects. Extremes simply resonate. This is not news to us, but we rarely think and / or talk about it. And we never discuss why this might be a problem.
Of course, it's great to have the internet, Google, Facebook, YouTube, and access to over 500 TV channels. But our focus is limited. We do not have the ability to process the avalanches of information that constantly roll over us. Therefore, only drops of information seriously reach our consciousness: things are truly unusual, extremely rare.
However, from day to day, we receive tons of news about unusual things. The best of the best. The worst of the worst. About the greatest sports records. The funniest jokes. About the worst disasters. About the most terrible threats. And so on endlessly.
The casket opens simply. There is a lot of information around from the peaks and lows of the human experience curve, as they are the ones that get our attention. And they bring dollars to the media business. But the vast majority of people live in a monotonous middle. The overwhelming majority of life is not extraordinary, but quite ordinary.
The stream of extremes makes us believe that exclusivity is the norm. And since usually nothing special happens to us, the avalanche of messages about the exceptional makes us melancholy, despair: why are we sitting in a swamp? Hence, there is an increasing need for compensation, which promises us a sense of our own exclusivity or some kind of addiction. We try to cope in accessible ways: by exalting ourselves or others.
Some will invent get-rich-quick schemes. Others go to the opposite end of the planet to rescue starving babies. Still others go out of their way in their studies and get every conceivable reward. The fourth are shelling the school. Fifths try to have sex with everything that speaks and breathes.
This is all related to the same culture of uniqueness that I talked about. People born in the late 20th century are often blamed for this cultural shift. But this generation is simply the most visible and in the spotlight. And the craving to feel unique is felt by people of all generations. […]
The constant stream of media nonsense fuels our sense of insecurity: can you see how you fall short of the standards? Not only do we feel ourselves in the midst of unsolvable problems: we also turned out to be losers, since an elementary search on Google reports thousands of people who do not have these problems at all.
Technology has solved old economic problems by bringing us new psychological problems. On the Internet, we find not only easy access to information, but also easy access to insecurity, shame and self-doubt.
"But if I'm not special and awesome, what's the point?"
In our culture, it is generally accepted that we are all called to something truly unusual. This is what celebrities say. This is what the oligarchs say. This is what the politicians say. […] Absolutely everyone can be outstanding. We all deserve greatness.
What most people overlook, however, is that there is an inherent contradiction in this thesis: if everyone is outstanding, then by definition no one will be outstanding. Instead of wondering what we really deserve or don't deserve, we dutifully eat this lie and ask for more.
Middling is the classic definition of a loser. There is nothing worse than being in the middle, in the middle of the curve. When success is measured by “unusual”, it's better to be at the very bottom than in the middle: in any case, you are unusual and deserve attention. Many people do just that: they prove to everyone that they are the most unhappy, or the most oppressed, or the most victimized.
Many are afraid of being middle peasants: after all, if they put up with this situation, they will never achieve anything, they will not break out into people. Their life will mean nothing.
This mentality is dangerous. Once you agree that only a truly great and outstanding life can be called worthwhile, you will declare the life of most people on Earth (including your own) worthless and useless. And this does not bode well for others or for yourself.
Those rare people who achieve great success in anything owe their success not to believing in their exclusivity. The roots of their victories lie elsewhere: they had a point about cultivation. But think about it: why did they want to do better? Yes, because they were aware that they were not doing very well so far. This attitude is diametrically opposed to belief in one's own greatness. Success can come only when a person understands: he is far from greatness, the results are modest and mediocre. And there is room to grow.
And the chatter about "everyone can become exceptional and achieve greatness" only teases the ego. Sounds good, but in reality these are just empty calories, the notorious Big Mac for the soul and the brain: it only makes you get fat and swim with fat.
For emotional health, as well as for physical health, you need to eat fruits and vegetables: in other words, accept the simple and unpretentious truths of life. For example: "Your actions do not play such a big role in the general course of things." Or: “Most of your life will be boring and unremarkable. And that's okay. "At first, such plant foods will seem rough. And even tasteless. You will be drawn to the big mac again.
But as soon as you digest the truth, your body will be filled with life and strength. In the end, the stone will fall off your shoulders: the constant need to be amazing and outstanding disappears. Stress and anxiety caused by complexes and the need to pretend to be dissipated. Knowing and accepting your humble existence will free you to do the things you really want to do - without unnecessary fear and high expectations.
You will discover the simple joys of life: friendship, creativity, helping someone in need, reading a good book, the opportunity to laugh with a nice person.
Does it sound boring? Yes, these things are the most common. But perhaps they are not by chance the most common, but because they are truly important . […]
How to become less confident
Learning to ask yourself critical questions, to question your thoughts and beliefs is extremely difficult. However, this is real. Here are questions to help you cultivate insecurity.
Question # 1: "What if I'm wrong?"
One of my acquaintances is going to get married. A serious person proposed to her. He doesn't drink. Doesn't hit or hurt her. He is friendly and has a good job.
However, after the engagement, her brother buzzed all her ears about an immature life choice: they say, she will cry with this person, and make a big mistake, and generally behave irresponsibly. She asked her brother: “What is it to you? Why does it bother you so much? "He invariably replies:“ Nothing, and certainly nothing personal. I'm just trying to be helpful, taking care of my little sister. "
But something is bothering him. Maybe complexes about marriage got out. Maybe he senses a rival in her fiancé. Maybe jealous. Or maybe he is so used to considering himself a victim that he is unable to take care of his neighbor's happiness without trying to make him unhappy.
As a rule, we do not see ourselves from the outside. We are often the last to notice that we are angry, jealous, or upset. And there is only one way to remove the blinders from your eyes: get rid of the iron armor of confidence, constantly question your own motives.
“Am I not jealous? And if so, why? "
"Wasn't I angry?"
"What if she's right and I'm just defending my pride?"
Questions like this should become a mental habit. In many cases, their very appearance makes us more humble and compassionate, which is necessary for solving many problems.
Let's make a disclaimer: the very fact that you are in doubt about your rightness does not necessarily mean that you are wrong. If you are beaten by your husband for burnting a roast on the stove, and you are asking yourself if you're offended by him in vain, it is very possible that he really did badly to you. After all, the point is not to hate yourself, but to ask a question and look at the situation critically.
It should be remembered that in order for a change to take place in your life, you must find mistakes in yourself . If you feel unhappy all day long, it means that you have already seriously messed up something . And until you figure out where the error came out, nothing will change.
Question # 2: "What would it mean if I was wrong?"
Many are able to ask themselves if they are wrong. Significantly fewer people are able to take the next step and figure out what it means to be wrong. After all, the potential meaning can be quite painful. It's not just our values that are under threat: we also need to think about what a radically different value looks and feels like.
Aristotle wrote: "An educated mind knows how to consider a thought, not agreeing with it." Studying and evaluating values without necessarily accepting them is perhaps the main skill that is needed to positively change your own life.
Let us recall the case with the brother of my friend. He should have asked himself, “Let's say I'm wrong about my sister's marriage. What does this mean? "Often the answer to these questions is obvious:" I am a selfish / notorious / narcissistic ass. "If he is mistaken and his sister is lucky - and she will have a healthy and happy marriage, then his behavior can only be explained through complexes and idiotic values. He believes that he knows better than his sister how to live, and she is not able to make important life decisions. He believes that he is right and the others are wrong.
But even after exposing this behavior - in my friend's brother or in myself - it is difficult to admit it. It is painful. And who wants to ask themselves difficult questions. However, without such "probing" questions, it is impossible to get to the problems that motivate his / our crazy actions.
Question # 3: Will admitting wrong create more or less problems for me and other people than it does now?
This is a litmus test. So you can find out whether we have strong values or whether we are complete neurotics without a king in our head, who are thrown in one direction, then in another.
We need to figure out which problem is better. After all, as the Panda of Disappointment said, life's problems are inexhaustible.
Take my friend's brother. What opportunities does it have?
A. To continue to escalate the situation in the family, to poison people's lives, to undermine the sister's trust and respect for oneself - because of only one vague guess (someone will call her intuition) that the chosen life partner does not suit her.
B. Doubt about your own ability to think for your sister, behave more modestly and trust her ability to make decisions and in any case live with the consequences of your love and respect for her.
Most people will choose A. This is understandable: this is the easiest way. You don't need to think, you don't need to delve into anything, you don't need to tolerate other people's and unpleasant decisions.
But in the end, all participants in the situation are unhappy.
Option B creates a healthy and happy relationship based on trust and respect. He tends to be humble and admit his ignorance. It allows people to overcome their complexes and see where they are acting impulsively, unfairly and selfishly.
Option B, however, is difficult and painful. Therefore, few choose it.
Outraged by his sister's engagement, the brother began an imaginary battle with himself. Of course, he considered himself a knight. But all this is pure joke: at the core are extravagant values and criteria. For the bitter truth is that he would prefer to destroy the relationship with his sister than to admit his own wrong (although such a confession would also help to overcome the complexes that caused the error).
One of the few rules I've set for myself over the years is, "If I count one thing and everyone else counts another, then it's much more likely that I'm wrong." Experience has shown this. Countless times I have behaved like a complete and notorious idiot, deeply convinced of absolute nonsense.
I don't mean to say that the majority is always right. Yes, there are times when you are right and others are not.
But this is life: if it seems to you that you are against the whole world, most likely you are going against yourself and nothing more.
When most people hear about the ability to give a damn, they imagine a person who, in his calm serenity, does not care about any storms of life. They imagine a subject that cannot be touched or stirred.
But do you know what is the name of a person who does not show emotions and does not see the point in anything? Psychopath. I don't think you have the slightest desire to become a psychopath.
So what does it mean to be able to give a damn? Consider three "subtleties" that will clarify the situation.
Subtlety # 1: Being able to give a damn doesn't mean indifference it is the ability to remain different
Let's say without equivocation. There is nothing delightful and worthy about indifference. Indifferent people are miserable inadequacies. These are couch vegetables and internet trolls. Indifferent people often only pretend to be indifferent, because deep down they do not give a damn.
They don't give a damn what people think of their hair, so they don't wash or brush their hair. They don't give a damn what people think of their ideas, so they hide behind sarcasm and arrogant jokes. They are afraid that someone will come close to them, so they imagine themselves to be special, fragile creatures, whose problems no one can understand.
Indifferent people are afraid of the world and the consequences of their own choices. That's why they don't make any meaningful choices. They hide in a gray and soulless hole that they have dug for themselves, consumed by themselves and self-pity. And they always run away from this annoying thing that takes time and effort and is called life.
For you know what the mean thing is? By and large, it's impossible to give a damn. You must have something that you care about . This is a physiological need: to always worry about something, to be not indifferent.
So the question is: what do we give a damn about? What choice will we make? And how to give a damn about what ultimately doesn't matter?
Recently, my mother was tricked into extracting money from a close friend of hers. If I were indifferent, I would have shrugged my shoulders, sipped a mocha and downloaded another season of The Wire. Sorry Mom.
And I was outraged. I was pissed off. I said, “Damn it, mom! We go to a lawyer and look for a way to take this bastard by the throat. Why? Because I don't give a damn. I'll ruin the bastard's life if need be."
So, subtlety number one. When we say "Mark Manson knows how to give a damn and score", we do not mean that "Mark Manson does not care." We mean something else: he doesn't care that on the way to his goals he will be in trouble, or that someone is annoyed by actions that he considers right, important and worthy. We mean: Mark Manson is one of those people who will write about themselves in the third person just because they think it is right. And he doesn't care about someone else's opinion.
This is what you can admire. Yes, not me, a cudgel: overcoming difficulties, a willingness to be yourself, to be an outcast and a pariah in the name of your values. A willingness to face failure and show them the middle finger. Admire people who spit on difficulties and failures, are not afraid to get into an awkward position, are not afraid to screw up several times. People who laugh and do what they believe. They do it because they think it is right. Such people know: there are things more important than themselves, and their feelings, and their pride, and their egos. They do not care about everything, but about everything that is of secondary importance. They save their nerves for what is truly important. For friends. Families. Goals. Burrito. One or two trials. But, since they save their nerves only for big and significant things,
And here's another bastard. You will not be able to play an important and key role for some people without becoming a laughing stock and a hindrance to others. It just won't work. For there is always resistance. Is always. As they say, wherever you go, the end is the same. This applies to both hardships and failures. Everywhere you go, there is a huge pile of shit waiting for you. And this is the norm. And the challenge is not to get away from shit. It's about finding shit that you enjoy dealing with.
Subtlety # 2: In order not to worry about adversity, you need to worry about more important things
Let's say you're queuing at a store. In front of you, an old woman makes a noise at the cashier who did not accept her 30 cent coupon. And why is she so worried? It's only 30 cents.
I'll explain why. This woman has nothing else to do but sit at home and cut coupons. She is old and lonely. Her kids are dumbass who never visit her. She hadn't had sex for thirty years. She cannot release gas without experiencing severe pain in the lower back. And her pension is tiny, and she will die in diapers, imagining herself in a fairyland.
It remains to cut coupons. There is nothing else. Just her and the damn coupons. She doesn't worry about anything anymore, because she has nothing to worry about anymore. And when the pimply seventeen-year-old cashier refuses to take the coupon and defends the inviolability of his cash register with the courage with which the former knights defended the virginity of their beloved, the granny cannot help but explode. Eighty years of hassle falls on the unfortunate like a flurry of fire: "And in my time ...", "... people showed more respect." And further in the same spirit.
The trouble with people who are as generous as a summer's day on a popsicle is that they have nothing else to do.
But if you're worried about all sorts of nonsense - a new ex-boyfriend picture on Facebook, the longevity of the batteries in the TV remote control, and buying two hand gels for the price of one - there will be no room in life for serious worries. And this is a real problem. Not a hand gel. And not a TV remote.
I heard an artist say that when a person has no problems, his mind makes them up. In my opinion, most - especially the educated, well-groomed white middle class - see "life problems" as the usual consequence of not having more important things to worry about.
This means that finding something important and meaningful in life is the most productive way to use your time and energy. For if you do not find such a meaningful occupation, you will fray your nerves for empty and lightweight reasons.
Subtlety # 3: Whether you realize it or not, it's up to you what to worry about
The ability to spit is not innate. We are born with the opposite quality. Have you seen how heart-rendingly a child cries when he has a panama hat of the wrong shade of blue? That's it! Well, him, baby, in fig.
When we are young, everything is new and exciting and everything seems important. So we freak out at every step. We are nervous about everything and everyone: what people say about us, will this cool guy / cool girl call us, will we be able to pick up a second sock in a pair and what color the balloon will be for our birthday.
Then we get older and more experienced. We notice that a lot of time was wasted, and most of these things did not have a lasting impact on our destiny. People whose opinion we valued have disappeared from our lives. The love failures that hurt were for the better. We are also aware of how little attention people pay to the minor details of our lives. And we decide not to freak out on these occasions.
In essence, we become selective about what to worry about. This is called maturity. By the way, try it: useful quality. It occurs when you learn to worry just about things that deserve it. […]
As we get even older and middle age, something else begins to change. The energy supply decreases. Our identity is being strengthened. We know who we are and accept ourselves with all our strengths and weaknesses. And oddly enough, it is liberating. You no longer need to worry about everything in a row. Life is what it is. We accept her with all her warts. We realize that we will never cure cancer, fly to the moon and touch Jennifer Aniston's boobs. Well, okay. Life goes on. But we don't give a damn about the more important parts of our lives: family, best friends and golf swing. And to our amazement, this is enough. Everything becomes easier, and it brings lasting satisfaction. […]
The Misadventures of the Panda of Disappointment
If I could invent a superhero, I would invent the Panda of Disappointment. He would wear a funny mask around his eyes and a T-shirt (with a big T) too small for his big belly. And his superpower would be that he would tell people the harsh truth about them - necessary, but unwanted.
He would go door-to-door like a Bible distributor, call the tenants and say unpleasant things, such as, "Big profits will make you feel better, but the kids won't love you for it." Or, "If you ask yourself if you trust your wife, you probably don't." Or: "What you call friendship is just a constant attempt to impress others." Then he would wish the tenant a good day and leisurely set off to the next house.
That would be awesome. And it's hard. And it's sad. And life-affirming. And it is necessary. After all, listening to the greatest truths is the most troublesome.
Nobody wants to meet such a Panda. But most of us need it. His words would be like fresh vegetables against the background of the mental canned food that we consume. He would spoil our mood, but he made life better. He would make us stronger, striking at the very heart, and would illuminate the future with light, showing the darkness. Listening to it is like watching a movie in which the hero dies at the end: it's hard for you, but you understand how realistic everything is, and you can't tear yourself away.
If so, let me put on the Disappointment Panda mask and give you some bad news. […]
You are not unique
[…] The deeper the pain, the more vulnerable we feel in our problems and the more we untie our hands in an attempt to compensate for the problems. This setup works in one of two ways:
- I'm great and the rest are freaks, so I deserve special treatment.
- I'm ugly and the others are great, so I deserve special treatment.
Seemingly opposite things, but the egoistic stuffing is the same. People who think they are special often oscillate between both extremes. They are either at the top of the world or at the bottom, depending on the day of the week and the effectiveness of self-deception. […]
However, there are no unique problems at all! With problems like yours, millions of people have lived in the past, live now and will live in the future. It is very possible that there are such people among your acquaintances. This does not detract from the problems and does not mean that you should not be in pain. This does not mean that under some circumstances you needlessly consider yourself a victim.
This means one thing: you are not unique.
Often, knowing only this fact - that there is nothing special about the seriousness and pain of your problems - becomes the first and most important step towards solving them.
For some reason, more and more people, especially young people, are forgetting about it. Many professors and teachers note the lack of emotional stability and an excess of selfish demands among today's youth. Often, books are removed from the school curriculum just because they annoy someone. […] Psychologists state: more than ever, many students experience extreme emotional stress due to the most common school problems - quarrels with a classmate, poor grades in class.
It is strange that in the era of universal communication, the feeling of their uniqueness has reached a maximum. Something about modern technology allows our complexes to roam like never before. The more freedom of expression we are given, the more we want to free ourselves from having to deal with people who disagree with us or upset us. The more often we come across opposing points of view, the more unhappy that these points of view exist. The easier and more problem-free our lives become, the more unique we consider the remaining problems.
Without a doubt, the internet and social media are marvels. In many ways, our time is the best in history. But it may be that socially, these technologies have an undesirable side effect. The technologies that have brought freedom and knowledge to so many people have inspired many with a sense of uniqueness that their ancestors did not know .
The tyranny of exclusivity
Most of us are pretty average at most things. Even if we are in some way aces, otherwise we are probably middle peasants, or even worse. This is how life works. To achieve mastery in anything, you need to spend a lot of time and effort. And since our time and energy are limited, almost no one achieves true mastery in several things at once (if at least in something).
From a statistical point of view, it is unthinkable that the same person will achieve amazing success in all (or even in many) areas of life. Successful businessmen often do not know how to build a family life. Famous athletes are often empty and dumb, like a traffic jam after a lobotomy. Many celebrities know no better how to live than the simpletons who stare at them with their mouths open and imitate every sneeze of a great man.
We are all average in most respects. Extremes simply resonate. This is not news to us, but we rarely think and / or talk about it. And we never discuss why this might be a problem.
Of course, it's great to have the internet, Google, Facebook, YouTube, and access to over 500 TV channels. But our focus is limited. We do not have the ability to process the avalanches of information that constantly roll over us. Therefore, only drops of information seriously reach our consciousness: things are truly unusual, extremely rare.
However, from day to day, we receive tons of news about unusual things. The best of the best. The worst of the worst. About the greatest sports records. The funniest jokes. About the worst disasters. About the most terrible threats. And so on endlessly.
The casket opens simply. There is a lot of information around from the peaks and lows of the human experience curve, as they are the ones that get our attention. And they bring dollars to the media business. But the vast majority of people live in a monotonous middle. The overwhelming majority of life is not extraordinary, but quite ordinary.
The stream of extremes makes us believe that exclusivity is the norm. And since usually nothing special happens to us, the avalanche of messages about the exceptional makes us melancholy, despair: why are we sitting in a swamp? Hence, there is an increasing need for compensation, which promises us a sense of our own exclusivity or some kind of addiction. We try to cope in accessible ways: by exalting ourselves or others.
Some will invent get-rich-quick schemes. Others go to the opposite end of the planet to rescue starving babies. Still others go out of their way in their studies and get every conceivable reward. The fourth are shelling the school. Fifths try to have sex with everything that speaks and breathes.
This is all related to the same culture of uniqueness that I talked about. People born in the late 20th century are often blamed for this cultural shift. But this generation is simply the most visible and in the spotlight. And the craving to feel unique is felt by people of all generations. […]
The constant stream of media nonsense fuels our sense of insecurity: can you see how you fall short of the standards? Not only do we feel ourselves in the midst of unsolvable problems: we also turned out to be losers, since an elementary search on Google reports thousands of people who do not have these problems at all.
Technology has solved old economic problems by bringing us new psychological problems. On the Internet, we find not only easy access to information, but also easy access to insecurity, shame and self-doubt.
"But if I'm not special and awesome, what's the point?"
In our culture, it is generally accepted that we are all called to something truly unusual. This is what celebrities say. This is what the oligarchs say. This is what the politicians say. […] Absolutely everyone can be outstanding. We all deserve greatness.
What most people overlook, however, is that there is an inherent contradiction in this thesis: if everyone is outstanding, then by definition no one will be outstanding. Instead of wondering what we really deserve or don't deserve, we dutifully eat this lie and ask for more.
Middling is the classic definition of a loser. There is nothing worse than being in the middle, in the middle of the curve. When success is measured by “unusual”, it's better to be at the very bottom than in the middle: in any case, you are unusual and deserve attention. Many people do just that: they prove to everyone that they are the most unhappy, or the most oppressed, or the most victimized.
Many are afraid of being middle peasants: after all, if they put up with this situation, they will never achieve anything, they will not break out into people. Their life will mean nothing.
This mentality is dangerous. Once you agree that only a truly great and outstanding life can be called worthwhile, you will declare the life of most people on Earth (including your own) worthless and useless. And this does not bode well for others or for yourself.
Those rare people who achieve great success in anything owe their success not to believing in their exclusivity. The roots of their victories lie elsewhere: they had a point about cultivation. But think about it: why did they want to do better? Yes, because they were aware that they were not doing very well so far. This attitude is diametrically opposed to belief in one's own greatness. Success can come only when a person understands: he is far from greatness, the results are modest and mediocre. And there is room to grow.
And the chatter about "everyone can become exceptional and achieve greatness" only teases the ego. Sounds good, but in reality these are just empty calories, the notorious Big Mac for the soul and the brain: it only makes you get fat and swim with fat.
For emotional health, as well as for physical health, you need to eat fruits and vegetables: in other words, accept the simple and unpretentious truths of life. For example: "Your actions do not play such a big role in the general course of things." Or: “Most of your life will be boring and unremarkable. And that's okay. "At first, such plant foods will seem rough. And even tasteless. You will be drawn to the big mac again.
But as soon as you digest the truth, your body will be filled with life and strength. In the end, the stone will fall off your shoulders: the constant need to be amazing and outstanding disappears. Stress and anxiety caused by complexes and the need to pretend to be dissipated. Knowing and accepting your humble existence will free you to do the things you really want to do - without unnecessary fear and high expectations.
You will discover the simple joys of life: friendship, creativity, helping someone in need, reading a good book, the opportunity to laugh with a nice person.
Does it sound boring? Yes, these things are the most common. But perhaps they are not by chance the most common, but because they are truly important . […]
How to become less confident
Learning to ask yourself critical questions, to question your thoughts and beliefs is extremely difficult. However, this is real. Here are questions to help you cultivate insecurity.
Question # 1: "What if I'm wrong?"
One of my acquaintances is going to get married. A serious person proposed to her. He doesn't drink. Doesn't hit or hurt her. He is friendly and has a good job.
However, after the engagement, her brother buzzed all her ears about an immature life choice: they say, she will cry with this person, and make a big mistake, and generally behave irresponsibly. She asked her brother: “What is it to you? Why does it bother you so much? "He invariably replies:“ Nothing, and certainly nothing personal. I'm just trying to be helpful, taking care of my little sister. "
But something is bothering him. Maybe complexes about marriage got out. Maybe he senses a rival in her fiancé. Maybe jealous. Or maybe he is so used to considering himself a victim that he is unable to take care of his neighbor's happiness without trying to make him unhappy.
As a rule, we do not see ourselves from the outside. We are often the last to notice that we are angry, jealous, or upset. And there is only one way to remove the blinders from your eyes: get rid of the iron armor of confidence, constantly question your own motives.
“Am I not jealous? And if so, why? "
"Wasn't I angry?"
"What if she's right and I'm just defending my pride?"
Questions like this should become a mental habit. In many cases, their very appearance makes us more humble and compassionate, which is necessary for solving many problems.
Let's make a disclaimer: the very fact that you are in doubt about your rightness does not necessarily mean that you are wrong. If you are beaten by your husband for burnting a roast on the stove, and you are asking yourself if you're offended by him in vain, it is very possible that he really did badly to you. After all, the point is not to hate yourself, but to ask a question and look at the situation critically.
It should be remembered that in order for a change to take place in your life, you must find mistakes in yourself . If you feel unhappy all day long, it means that you have already seriously messed up something . And until you figure out where the error came out, nothing will change.
Question # 2: "What would it mean if I was wrong?"
Many are able to ask themselves if they are wrong. Significantly fewer people are able to take the next step and figure out what it means to be wrong. After all, the potential meaning can be quite painful. It's not just our values that are under threat: we also need to think about what a radically different value looks and feels like.
Aristotle wrote: "An educated mind knows how to consider a thought, not agreeing with it." Studying and evaluating values without necessarily accepting them is perhaps the main skill that is needed to positively change your own life.
Let us recall the case with the brother of my friend. He should have asked himself, “Let's say I'm wrong about my sister's marriage. What does this mean? "Often the answer to these questions is obvious:" I am a selfish / notorious / narcissistic ass. "If he is mistaken and his sister is lucky - and she will have a healthy and happy marriage, then his behavior can only be explained through complexes and idiotic values. He believes that he knows better than his sister how to live, and she is not able to make important life decisions. He believes that he is right and the others are wrong.
But even after exposing this behavior - in my friend's brother or in myself - it is difficult to admit it. It is painful. And who wants to ask themselves difficult questions. However, without such "probing" questions, it is impossible to get to the problems that motivate his / our crazy actions.
Question # 3: Will admitting wrong create more or less problems for me and other people than it does now?
This is a litmus test. So you can find out whether we have strong values or whether we are complete neurotics without a king in our head, who are thrown in one direction, then in another.
We need to figure out which problem is better. After all, as the Panda of Disappointment said, life's problems are inexhaustible.
Take my friend's brother. What opportunities does it have?
A. To continue to escalate the situation in the family, to poison people's lives, to undermine the sister's trust and respect for oneself - because of only one vague guess (someone will call her intuition) that the chosen life partner does not suit her.
B. Doubt about your own ability to think for your sister, behave more modestly and trust her ability to make decisions and in any case live with the consequences of your love and respect for her.
Most people will choose A. This is understandable: this is the easiest way. You don't need to think, you don't need to delve into anything, you don't need to tolerate other people's and unpleasant decisions.
But in the end, all participants in the situation are unhappy.
Option B creates a healthy and happy relationship based on trust and respect. He tends to be humble and admit his ignorance. It allows people to overcome their complexes and see where they are acting impulsively, unfairly and selfishly.
Option B, however, is difficult and painful. Therefore, few choose it.
Outraged by his sister's engagement, the brother began an imaginary battle with himself. Of course, he considered himself a knight. But all this is pure joke: at the core are extravagant values and criteria. For the bitter truth is that he would prefer to destroy the relationship with his sister than to admit his own wrong (although such a confession would also help to overcome the complexes that caused the error).
One of the few rules I've set for myself over the years is, "If I count one thing and everyone else counts another, then it's much more likely that I'm wrong." Experience has shown this. Countless times I have behaved like a complete and notorious idiot, deeply convinced of absolute nonsense.
I don't mean to say that the majority is always right. Yes, there are times when you are right and others are not.
But this is life: if it seems to you that you are against the whole world, most likely you are going against yourself and nothing more.
