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Collins, in his bestseller Good to Great, states, "The good is the enemy of the great." I disagree. I believe that the enemy of the great is avoidance. Avoidance, especially avoidance of discomfort, is the enemy of even good. It is the enemy of development and those changes that lead to prosperity.
When we say, "I do not want to fail," "do not want to embarrass myself," "I do not want to suffer," - we express what I call goals in koynikov. Because the only ones who never feel uncomfortable about making themselves ridiculed are, you guessed it, the dead. Only the dead do not change and do not grow up either. As far as I know, only those who have already left our world never suffer, do not feel vulnerable, do not get angry, do not worry and are completely relieved of depression, stress and in general any unpleasant emotions associated with overcoming difficulties. Of course, the deceased do not irritate relatives and colleagues, do not cause inconvenience to anyone, and do not speak out of place. But do you really want to follow the example of the dead?
There is an old saying: if you do what you always do, you get what you always get. In fact, she is too optimistic. Imagine a middle manager who works for twenty years, seven days a week, in the same position at the same company, then he gets laid off, and he finds himself now competing for new jobs with guys and girls half his age. Or a faithful spouse who for years faithfully pulls the strap in a monotonous marriage, but one day, returning home, sees an empty wardrobe and a note on the bed.
To stay truly alive, you need to choose courage instead of comfort - then we will not stop developing, going uphill and challenging ourselves. And this means not getting stuck on the way, thinking that we have reached the top when we just stopped where we can make a halt. On the other hand, in accordance with the principle of a balancer, you do not need to overload yourself with unrealistic goals or fantasize that you can get to the peak in one jerk.
Perhaps the best definition for such a life at the limit of your abilities, prosperous and prosperous, when you do not avoid difficulties, but do not drown in unbearable worries, is the word "full". And in order to live a fulfilled life, the main thing is to carefully choose what to fill it with, that is, to take on such tasks that really resonate in you and are generated by an awareness of your deepest values.
***
The Frenchman Pierre de Fermat, who lived in the first half of the 17th century, held a high position in the court of the city of Toulouse. One winter day in 1637 Fermat, reading an ancient Greek treatise called Arithmetic, wrote in the margin: “It is impossible to decompose any degree greater than a square into two degrees with the same exponent. I have found a truly excellent proof of this, but these fields will not accommodate it."
Thank you, Pierre. Intrigued and quit.
The news of a mysterious proof and an unusual mathematical theorem spread wider and wider, and by the 19th century, many institutions and simply wealthy patrons of science were offering rewards to those who found a solution. "Botanists" from all over the world tried to prove the theorem, but to no avail. Fermat's last theorem did not reveal its secret to anyone.
But in 1963, a ten-year-old British high school student named Andrew Wiles stumbled upon a theorem in a library book and immediately vowed to prove it. Thirty years later, in 1993, Wiles announced that the evidence had been found. Unfortunately, someone discovered an error in his calculations, so he went into work for another year, rebuilding the proof, until he finished it to perfection. And now, almost four centuries after Fermat left a provocative commentary in the margins of Arithmetic, the greatest mystery of mathematics was finally solved.
When asked why so many people, including himself, made such an effort to solve a generally abstract problem with no practical value, he replied: "Those who are dedicated to mathematics love to test their abilities by challenging unsolved problems." ... In other words, it was not a desire for fame or success that motivated Wiles, but a deep intellectual interest in the beauty of mathematics.
The same kind of interest once prompted our distant ancestors to move out of the rainforest into the open, to invent agriculture and found cities, and ultimately to settle all over the world. That is why Homo sapiens sends rovers to Mars, while chimpanzees genetically close to us are still picking out termite mounds with sticks in search of food.
Of course, everyone will have their own interest, which prompts them to take on a difficult task and work hard on it to the bitter end. Tasks from which I want to pull out the hair on my head, some of you will snap like nuts. What delights a person like Wiles will make me or you yawn with boredom. Maybe your coworker is happy with the position of a middle manager - and you will not consider yourself a successful person until you own several blocks in Manhattan (and have your name in gold letters on every house). Someone desperately needs to participate in Ironman triathlon in order to get a dose of adrenaline, but for someone the optimal task at the moment is to walk half an hour without breath.
Whatever we undertake, the main thing is to keep life fulfilling, finding a balance between difficulty and skill.
How to keep your life fulfilled
In the 1880s, during the heyday of Morse code, two scientists at Indiana University, William Lowe Bryan and Noble Harter, decided to find out what separates a good telegrapher from an outstanding one.
For about a year they monitored the speed of telegraph operators and displayed this data in the form of a graph. It turned out that the more practice a telegraph operator has, the faster he gets messages.
So far, nothing surprising. […]
However, Brian and Harter found that skill versus experience was different for the best telegraphers. The majority - 75 percent - of operators stop exercising seriously when they reach the skill level they consider to be their highest. Their skill in the future remains at the same level. But 25 percent manage to overcome this zone of stability and improve further. What differentiated telegraph operators who continued to develop their skills from those who stopped doing so?
Those who crossed the zone of stability welcomed the increasing complexity of the tasks. They set new goals for themselves and tried to achieve even greater success, just to experience the very joy of personal growth that prompts us to learn how to tie our shoelaces or prove Fermat's last theorem.
***
In the book Geniuses and Outsiders, Malcolm Gladwell proposed a popular idea: it takes ten thousand hours of practice to break through the area of stability and achieve mastery. However, psychologists and methodologists agree that mastery is achieved not so much by duration as by the quality of practice. To usefully invest time in practice, you need to learn "proactively", that is, deliberately increase the complexity of tasks so that each time they require a little additional effort.
The secret is in our gray matter. In recent decades, the concept of neuroplasticity has gained popularity, which claims that the brain does not form "once and for all" in early childhood, but continues to produce new cells. However, the subtlety is that most of these restored cells die off. But it prevents it connects new neurons to each other and builds them into the structure of the brain - namely, "proactive" learning... Our brains will not develop if we spend ten thousand hours playing Stairway to Heaven guitar (God forbid!) Or repeating completed stages of the same gallbladder surgery (if you have a medical background and volunteer patients). Proactive learning involves conscious involvement in the process, constant expansion of boundaries and the complication of their theoretical and practical knowledge.
By and large, everyone learns proactively when they first take on something new. But, having received an acceptable result - when we can play golf on a par with friends, or run, or have learned a melody on bells for an amateur concert - most calm down and reduce the skill to pleasant automatism, typical for the stability zone ...
"Stress can hardly be avoided if you want to do more in life than flick the TV remote while lying on the couch."
Remember how you learned to drive? Before driving for the first time, you had an unconscious inability , because you yourself did not know what you do not know. Then you are enrolled in a driving school, and your non-ability to become aware: you realize how much you have to explore. ("How, and parallel parking also needs to be mastered?!")
When you open up to a new experience like this, the proactive learning mode turns on, and then you can develop a conscious skill: before starting to move, you perform all the necessary actions, as indicated in the memo: buckle up, adjust the seat for yourself, adjust the mirrors, check the gear ... And even if you get confused the first time you enter the freeway, after a few attempts it will no longer be a problem.
But soon after obtaining the rights, you have an unconscious skill . You just get behind the wheel, drive and drive home, often without even thinking about how you did it. It is at this stage of the autopilot that you enter the zone of stability. With a conscious inability or conscious skill, you remain in the zone of optimal development, because you are open to new information. Even if you are a beginner and therefore feel a little insecure, you, in any case, have a beginner's mind - a desire to develop and a willingness to learn.
You may be experiencing a little stress - and that's fine too. For decades, we have been told that stress is our number one enemy, the killer of well-being, and must be avoided at all costs. Biochemically speaking, chronic stress undermines health by exacerbating inflammation that leads to heart disease, cancer, and decreased immunity.
However, the right level of stress - when it is present in life without overwhelming it - can be a great source of motivation. As unpleasant as it is sometimes, it is stress that prompts us to move forward without stopping halfway. Seeing the score on the scoreboard - a lag, but not hopeless - the losing team gathers its strength and snatches the victory from the opponent in the last minutes of the match. The deadline - tight but not too tight - mobilizes creativity and motivates you to finish the project.
Stress can hardly be avoided if you want to do more in life than flick the TV remote while lying on the couch. Stress naturally and expectedly accompanies overcoming any difficulty, and therefore, development and prosperity. You cannot conquer Everest without putting in a lot of effort and taking a huge risk. Without this, you cannot raise a diversified child, happily live up to a golden wedding, open your own business or run a marathon. No one has ever achieved success without stress and discomfort.
Get out of the stability zone
So, how can we apply all of the above to move from the zone of stability to the zone of optimal development?
Courage instead of comfort
When we confuse security with what is familiar, accessible, and understandable, our options are limited. (The door you know because you entered through it may not necessarily be the safest way out in the event of a fire.) In order not to stop developing, you need to be open to the unfamiliar and even unpleasant. And by listening to unpleasant emotions, you can learn something.
Select applicable options
Leaving the zone of stability means developing your full potential throughout your life. The main criterion for any action should be the answer to the question: will it help you to become who you want? But on the way to this global goal, one should not forget about common sense - one cannot do without it when making everyday decisions.
An applicable option is an option that works in the current environment, but also brings you closer to the life you want to lead in the future. It doesn't always make sense to get a divorce. On the other hand, it does not always make sense to bite your lip and avoid serious conversations and put up with resentment and misunderstanding. A bold choice will also be the most applicable: to start an unpleasant conversation and understand the problem.
Evolve with every step
True development goes in two directions: in breadth, when you increase the range of your activities, and in depth, when you develop your skills. Ask yourself: what have you done recently that scares you? When was the last time you tried something new and failed? If nothing comes to your mind, you are probably reinsuring yourself and therefore do not allow yourself to expand opportunities.
Deepening your capabilities will help you assess such questions. When was the last time you felt vulnerable because you gave your all emotionally and put everything on the line - maybe on a creative project, maybe in a personal relationship? Do you really know the people around you, or do you use polite, day-to-day communication to avoid getting too close? If today was your last day, what unspoken words would you most regret?
Grasp or enough
Even when we choose courage instead of comfort and live at the limit of our capabilities, showing emotional flexibility does not always mean flying ahead at full steam, spitting on torpedoes, and doing what we plan at any cost. If you are making decisions that are truly aligned with your values, there may come a time when the only wisdom that comes to mind is "a little bit of good."
English endurance and perseverance have become proverbial, and the phrase "Keep calm and keep working" adorns thousands of souvenir T-shirts. This is a more elegant version of the saying "We are beaten, but we are getting stronger."
America has its own designation for such a character trait, which has come down to our days since the development of the frontier, - an iron grip. As for the slogans that could be printed on a T-shirt, here the "American Dream" would have won by a large margin - the idea that a person can achieve everything he thinks if he clenches his teeth and, without being distracted by anything , without giving himself respite, will go to the goal.
An iron grip implies resilience, ambition and self-control, but it is not limited to them. University of Pennsylvania psychologist Angela Duckworth defines this purely American concept as a combination of passion and inflexibility with which a person moves towards a goal for a long time, without much worrying about winning awards or recognition along the way. You can endure hardships, be inspired by an ambitious desire for wealth, fame or power, resist temptation through self-control, but all this does not mean that you are adamantly moving towards a long-term goal.
According to the Duckworth study, it is the combination of qualities understood by the words "iron grip" that serves as an important indicator of success in the long term. It helps teachers to work longer and more efficiently in the field of education, students - not to drop out, and men (but, interestingly, not women) - stay married longer.
Emotional flexibility allows you to develop such qualities, as it helps to free yourself from the hook of unpleasant emotions and thoughts, cope with obstacles and identify your life values in order to move towards a worthy goal. It also helps us to abandon these goals when they are no longer useful.
We've already said that one of the symptoms of being hooked is when emotions push you to do things that don't align with your values. And while the element of passion is essential to achieving a goal, passion is only good when you control it, not the other way around. A passion that turns into an obsession and obscures other significant aspects of life will not lead you to prosperity.
You can be intransigent - working hard on a project or task and probably even getting satisfaction from it - but if that kind of effort and perseverance doesn't benefit your true life goals, then steadfastness is of little use.
Although Duckworth notes the importance of adhering to inner values, for many, an iron grip means never giving up, and those who do not go ahead at all costs are accused of weakness, laziness and even cowardice. Emotional flexibility, however, leaves room for a thoughtful decision to give up what no longer benefits you. And this is very good. How many devoted sons have spent their entire lives to follow in the footsteps of their fathers out of a sense of duty and to make their dreams come true, even when those dreams did not lead to what they themselves had a heart for? Not to mention the daughters who suppressed their own aspirations in order to keep the fire in the hearth and to please the parents, because "this is the harsh truth of life." And how many political decisions are dictated by unnecessary firmness? Lyndon Johnson, gritting his teeth like a cowboy, he declared that he did not want to “be the first American president to lose the war,” and therefore continued the war in Vietnam, although in private conversations back in 1965 he admitted that it was impossible to win it. Dylan Roof, who shot nine people in an African Methodist church in South Carolina in 2015, said he almost abandoned his plan because the congregation was kind to him. But in the end he did what he had planned, because he had to "fulfill his mission." This is an extreme and very sad example of a grit that could be put to better use. in 2015, who shot nine people in an African Methodist church in South Carolina, said he almost abandoned his plan because the parishioners were kind to him. But in the end he did what he had planned, because he had to "fulfill his mission." This is an extreme and very sad example of a grit that could be put to better use. in 2015, who shot nine people in an African Methodist church in South Carolina, said he almost abandoned his plan because the parishioners were kind to him. But in the end he did what he had planned, because he had to "fulfill his mission." This is an extreme and very sad example of a grit that could be put to better use.
And in our daily lives, loyalty to unrealistic or harmful goals, often dictated by emotions that we have not figured out, is the worst manifestation of rigidity, the cause of much suffering and missed opportunities. Many people hold on to meaningless or unattainable goals for years because they are afraid to admit that they were wrong when they were chosen, or that they now have different values in life; when reality eventually forces them to change course, it often turns out that other options are no longer available. Alas, maybe the novel you're working on just doesn't work out, so it's time to put it off and do something else. Let you get the main roles in all school plays, but maybe you still fall short of the level of the big screen. Or maybe they realized that they were married to the wrong person,
It happens that you have set yourself an achievable goal - but very difficult. Let's say you managed to enroll in a ballet troupe or get the coveted job of a financial consultant. But after a while, the delight of the discoverer dried up, and life did not become easier. In the meantime, as you postpone facing the harsh facts, the doors to other possibilities are closing one by one, and the delay can cost you dearly. Sometimes the really brave thing to do is to say to yourself, “Enough! I can't torture myself like that anymore. "
Decisiveness should not be made thoughtless. When a goal is not achieved, the most flexible and harmonious response is to adapt it, that is, to loosen the grip and let go of the old, unattainable goal, and then tackle the alternative.
Making such decisions is difficult and often scary. It's easy to feel weak if you're fixated on the notion that the most important thing is never to give up. But there is no need to be ashamed of a rational and felt decision - on the contrary, it is a reason for pride. Perceive such changes not as a defeat, but as a transition to a new stage in life, because you allow yourself to develop and improve along with the circumstances, choosing a path full of new opportunities. This is a worthy and wise decision.
So how do you know when you need a firm grip and when to say enough? How to make such a worthy and wise choice?
In some spheres of activity - in sports, modeling business - the answer is clear, because there a lot depends on age. What if you are a musician who performs live but doesn't make enough money? Or a scientist who is forced to be content with the position of teaching assistant? Or maybe you are still doing what you have always dreamed of, but the industry is in crisis and funding is being cut everywhere? What if you're an entrepreneur who just closed your third startup? And if we are not talking about work? What if your choice between grasping and “enough” has to do with friendships that make you problematic?
Everyone has heard the success stories of people who stayed true to their goal, no matter what, and in the end achieved their goal; but there are many more stories of failure - of those who stubbornly and relentlessly walked into a dead end. How to understand: abandon the goal and look for a new one, or give your dream another chance?
You can add coefficients to the grip and enough equation. Economist Stephen Dubner compares two metrics: sunk costs and lost profits. Irreversible costs are money, time or energy that you have already invested in your endeavor and therefore do not want to give it up. Lost profits are what you give up by sticking to the existing solution. After all, every cent or every minute that you invest in this project (work, relationship) is a cent or a minute that you cannot invest in another, maybe more profitable project (work, relationship).
If you can distract yourself from the sunk costs and look at the situation from the outside, you can better assess whether it is worth continuing to invest time and money in it.
The real answer - to hold on or to give up - can only be given to you by knowing yourself, which is at the heart of emotional flexibility. You just need to turn to face yourself, and then distance yourself and not stop there, discovering and following your most important values and goals.
If you are faced with a choice, grasp or “enough,” try asking yourself these questions.
Am I generally enjoying or enjoying what I'm doing now? Does this activity reflect my values in life? Will it leverage my strengths? To be honest, do I believe I can succeed (or bring the situation to a successful ending)? What opportunities will I give up if I continue to follow this path? Am I being firm in this decision or am I acting thoughtlessly?
I explain the principle of the balance bar using the example of a swing for children to illustrate the idea of balance - the point at which complexity and skill are in creative tension. But I don't mean that our goal in life should be like rolling up and down in one place.
Emotional flexibility is about moving through life. Movement towards clear, difficult, but achievable goals that you pursue not because "it is necessary", not because you were told so, but because you yourself want it, and because these goals are meaningful to you.
When you continue to strive for new knowledge and vivid experiences, when you follow the call of your heart and find your own sincere answers to questions that are important to you, you are not swinging on a children's swing at all. You soar in the sky and open towards the future not only your consciousness, but also your whole world.
When we say, "I do not want to fail," "do not want to embarrass myself," "I do not want to suffer," - we express what I call goals in koynikov. Because the only ones who never feel uncomfortable about making themselves ridiculed are, you guessed it, the dead. Only the dead do not change and do not grow up either. As far as I know, only those who have already left our world never suffer, do not feel vulnerable, do not get angry, do not worry and are completely relieved of depression, stress and in general any unpleasant emotions associated with overcoming difficulties. Of course, the deceased do not irritate relatives and colleagues, do not cause inconvenience to anyone, and do not speak out of place. But do you really want to follow the example of the dead?
There is an old saying: if you do what you always do, you get what you always get. In fact, she is too optimistic. Imagine a middle manager who works for twenty years, seven days a week, in the same position at the same company, then he gets laid off, and he finds himself now competing for new jobs with guys and girls half his age. Or a faithful spouse who for years faithfully pulls the strap in a monotonous marriage, but one day, returning home, sees an empty wardrobe and a note on the bed.
To stay truly alive, you need to choose courage instead of comfort - then we will not stop developing, going uphill and challenging ourselves. And this means not getting stuck on the way, thinking that we have reached the top when we just stopped where we can make a halt. On the other hand, in accordance with the principle of a balancer, you do not need to overload yourself with unrealistic goals or fantasize that you can get to the peak in one jerk.
Perhaps the best definition for such a life at the limit of your abilities, prosperous and prosperous, when you do not avoid difficulties, but do not drown in unbearable worries, is the word "full". And in order to live a fulfilled life, the main thing is to carefully choose what to fill it with, that is, to take on such tasks that really resonate in you and are generated by an awareness of your deepest values.
***
The Frenchman Pierre de Fermat, who lived in the first half of the 17th century, held a high position in the court of the city of Toulouse. One winter day in 1637 Fermat, reading an ancient Greek treatise called Arithmetic, wrote in the margin: “It is impossible to decompose any degree greater than a square into two degrees with the same exponent. I have found a truly excellent proof of this, but these fields will not accommodate it."
Thank you, Pierre. Intrigued and quit.
The news of a mysterious proof and an unusual mathematical theorem spread wider and wider, and by the 19th century, many institutions and simply wealthy patrons of science were offering rewards to those who found a solution. "Botanists" from all over the world tried to prove the theorem, but to no avail. Fermat's last theorem did not reveal its secret to anyone.
But in 1963, a ten-year-old British high school student named Andrew Wiles stumbled upon a theorem in a library book and immediately vowed to prove it. Thirty years later, in 1993, Wiles announced that the evidence had been found. Unfortunately, someone discovered an error in his calculations, so he went into work for another year, rebuilding the proof, until he finished it to perfection. And now, almost four centuries after Fermat left a provocative commentary in the margins of Arithmetic, the greatest mystery of mathematics was finally solved.
When asked why so many people, including himself, made such an effort to solve a generally abstract problem with no practical value, he replied: "Those who are dedicated to mathematics love to test their abilities by challenging unsolved problems." ... In other words, it was not a desire for fame or success that motivated Wiles, but a deep intellectual interest in the beauty of mathematics.
The same kind of interest once prompted our distant ancestors to move out of the rainforest into the open, to invent agriculture and found cities, and ultimately to settle all over the world. That is why Homo sapiens sends rovers to Mars, while chimpanzees genetically close to us are still picking out termite mounds with sticks in search of food.
Of course, everyone will have their own interest, which prompts them to take on a difficult task and work hard on it to the bitter end. Tasks from which I want to pull out the hair on my head, some of you will snap like nuts. What delights a person like Wiles will make me or you yawn with boredom. Maybe your coworker is happy with the position of a middle manager - and you will not consider yourself a successful person until you own several blocks in Manhattan (and have your name in gold letters on every house). Someone desperately needs to participate in Ironman triathlon in order to get a dose of adrenaline, but for someone the optimal task at the moment is to walk half an hour without breath.
Whatever we undertake, the main thing is to keep life fulfilling, finding a balance between difficulty and skill.
How to keep your life fulfilled
In the 1880s, during the heyday of Morse code, two scientists at Indiana University, William Lowe Bryan and Noble Harter, decided to find out what separates a good telegrapher from an outstanding one.
For about a year they monitored the speed of telegraph operators and displayed this data in the form of a graph. It turned out that the more practice a telegraph operator has, the faster he gets messages.
So far, nothing surprising. […]
However, Brian and Harter found that skill versus experience was different for the best telegraphers. The majority - 75 percent - of operators stop exercising seriously when they reach the skill level they consider to be their highest. Their skill in the future remains at the same level. But 25 percent manage to overcome this zone of stability and improve further. What differentiated telegraph operators who continued to develop their skills from those who stopped doing so?
Those who crossed the zone of stability welcomed the increasing complexity of the tasks. They set new goals for themselves and tried to achieve even greater success, just to experience the very joy of personal growth that prompts us to learn how to tie our shoelaces or prove Fermat's last theorem.
***
In the book Geniuses and Outsiders, Malcolm Gladwell proposed a popular idea: it takes ten thousand hours of practice to break through the area of stability and achieve mastery. However, psychologists and methodologists agree that mastery is achieved not so much by duration as by the quality of practice. To usefully invest time in practice, you need to learn "proactively", that is, deliberately increase the complexity of tasks so that each time they require a little additional effort.
The secret is in our gray matter. In recent decades, the concept of neuroplasticity has gained popularity, which claims that the brain does not form "once and for all" in early childhood, but continues to produce new cells. However, the subtlety is that most of these restored cells die off. But it prevents it connects new neurons to each other and builds them into the structure of the brain - namely, "proactive" learning... Our brains will not develop if we spend ten thousand hours playing Stairway to Heaven guitar (God forbid!) Or repeating completed stages of the same gallbladder surgery (if you have a medical background and volunteer patients). Proactive learning involves conscious involvement in the process, constant expansion of boundaries and the complication of their theoretical and practical knowledge.
By and large, everyone learns proactively when they first take on something new. But, having received an acceptable result - when we can play golf on a par with friends, or run, or have learned a melody on bells for an amateur concert - most calm down and reduce the skill to pleasant automatism, typical for the stability zone ...
"Stress can hardly be avoided if you want to do more in life than flick the TV remote while lying on the couch."
Remember how you learned to drive? Before driving for the first time, you had an unconscious inability , because you yourself did not know what you do not know. Then you are enrolled in a driving school, and your non-ability to become aware: you realize how much you have to explore. ("How, and parallel parking also needs to be mastered?!")
When you open up to a new experience like this, the proactive learning mode turns on, and then you can develop a conscious skill: before starting to move, you perform all the necessary actions, as indicated in the memo: buckle up, adjust the seat for yourself, adjust the mirrors, check the gear ... And even if you get confused the first time you enter the freeway, after a few attempts it will no longer be a problem.
But soon after obtaining the rights, you have an unconscious skill . You just get behind the wheel, drive and drive home, often without even thinking about how you did it. It is at this stage of the autopilot that you enter the zone of stability. With a conscious inability or conscious skill, you remain in the zone of optimal development, because you are open to new information. Even if you are a beginner and therefore feel a little insecure, you, in any case, have a beginner's mind - a desire to develop and a willingness to learn.
You may be experiencing a little stress - and that's fine too. For decades, we have been told that stress is our number one enemy, the killer of well-being, and must be avoided at all costs. Biochemically speaking, chronic stress undermines health by exacerbating inflammation that leads to heart disease, cancer, and decreased immunity.
However, the right level of stress - when it is present in life without overwhelming it - can be a great source of motivation. As unpleasant as it is sometimes, it is stress that prompts us to move forward without stopping halfway. Seeing the score on the scoreboard - a lag, but not hopeless - the losing team gathers its strength and snatches the victory from the opponent in the last minutes of the match. The deadline - tight but not too tight - mobilizes creativity and motivates you to finish the project.
Stress can hardly be avoided if you want to do more in life than flick the TV remote while lying on the couch. Stress naturally and expectedly accompanies overcoming any difficulty, and therefore, development and prosperity. You cannot conquer Everest without putting in a lot of effort and taking a huge risk. Without this, you cannot raise a diversified child, happily live up to a golden wedding, open your own business or run a marathon. No one has ever achieved success without stress and discomfort.
Get out of the stability zone
So, how can we apply all of the above to move from the zone of stability to the zone of optimal development?
Courage instead of comfort
When we confuse security with what is familiar, accessible, and understandable, our options are limited. (The door you know because you entered through it may not necessarily be the safest way out in the event of a fire.) In order not to stop developing, you need to be open to the unfamiliar and even unpleasant. And by listening to unpleasant emotions, you can learn something.
Select applicable options
Leaving the zone of stability means developing your full potential throughout your life. The main criterion for any action should be the answer to the question: will it help you to become who you want? But on the way to this global goal, one should not forget about common sense - one cannot do without it when making everyday decisions.
An applicable option is an option that works in the current environment, but also brings you closer to the life you want to lead in the future. It doesn't always make sense to get a divorce. On the other hand, it does not always make sense to bite your lip and avoid serious conversations and put up with resentment and misunderstanding. A bold choice will also be the most applicable: to start an unpleasant conversation and understand the problem.
Evolve with every step
True development goes in two directions: in breadth, when you increase the range of your activities, and in depth, when you develop your skills. Ask yourself: what have you done recently that scares you? When was the last time you tried something new and failed? If nothing comes to your mind, you are probably reinsuring yourself and therefore do not allow yourself to expand opportunities.
Deepening your capabilities will help you assess such questions. When was the last time you felt vulnerable because you gave your all emotionally and put everything on the line - maybe on a creative project, maybe in a personal relationship? Do you really know the people around you, or do you use polite, day-to-day communication to avoid getting too close? If today was your last day, what unspoken words would you most regret?
Grasp or enough
Even when we choose courage instead of comfort and live at the limit of our capabilities, showing emotional flexibility does not always mean flying ahead at full steam, spitting on torpedoes, and doing what we plan at any cost. If you are making decisions that are truly aligned with your values, there may come a time when the only wisdom that comes to mind is "a little bit of good."
English endurance and perseverance have become proverbial, and the phrase "Keep calm and keep working" adorns thousands of souvenir T-shirts. This is a more elegant version of the saying "We are beaten, but we are getting stronger."
America has its own designation for such a character trait, which has come down to our days since the development of the frontier, - an iron grip. As for the slogans that could be printed on a T-shirt, here the "American Dream" would have won by a large margin - the idea that a person can achieve everything he thinks if he clenches his teeth and, without being distracted by anything , without giving himself respite, will go to the goal.
An iron grip implies resilience, ambition and self-control, but it is not limited to them. University of Pennsylvania psychologist Angela Duckworth defines this purely American concept as a combination of passion and inflexibility with which a person moves towards a goal for a long time, without much worrying about winning awards or recognition along the way. You can endure hardships, be inspired by an ambitious desire for wealth, fame or power, resist temptation through self-control, but all this does not mean that you are adamantly moving towards a long-term goal.
According to the Duckworth study, it is the combination of qualities understood by the words "iron grip" that serves as an important indicator of success in the long term. It helps teachers to work longer and more efficiently in the field of education, students - not to drop out, and men (but, interestingly, not women) - stay married longer.
Emotional flexibility allows you to develop such qualities, as it helps to free yourself from the hook of unpleasant emotions and thoughts, cope with obstacles and identify your life values in order to move towards a worthy goal. It also helps us to abandon these goals when they are no longer useful.
We've already said that one of the symptoms of being hooked is when emotions push you to do things that don't align with your values. And while the element of passion is essential to achieving a goal, passion is only good when you control it, not the other way around. A passion that turns into an obsession and obscures other significant aspects of life will not lead you to prosperity.
You can be intransigent - working hard on a project or task and probably even getting satisfaction from it - but if that kind of effort and perseverance doesn't benefit your true life goals, then steadfastness is of little use.
Although Duckworth notes the importance of adhering to inner values, for many, an iron grip means never giving up, and those who do not go ahead at all costs are accused of weakness, laziness and even cowardice. Emotional flexibility, however, leaves room for a thoughtful decision to give up what no longer benefits you. And this is very good. How many devoted sons have spent their entire lives to follow in the footsteps of their fathers out of a sense of duty and to make their dreams come true, even when those dreams did not lead to what they themselves had a heart for? Not to mention the daughters who suppressed their own aspirations in order to keep the fire in the hearth and to please the parents, because "this is the harsh truth of life." And how many political decisions are dictated by unnecessary firmness? Lyndon Johnson, gritting his teeth like a cowboy, he declared that he did not want to “be the first American president to lose the war,” and therefore continued the war in Vietnam, although in private conversations back in 1965 he admitted that it was impossible to win it. Dylan Roof, who shot nine people in an African Methodist church in South Carolina in 2015, said he almost abandoned his plan because the congregation was kind to him. But in the end he did what he had planned, because he had to "fulfill his mission." This is an extreme and very sad example of a grit that could be put to better use. in 2015, who shot nine people in an African Methodist church in South Carolina, said he almost abandoned his plan because the parishioners were kind to him. But in the end he did what he had planned, because he had to "fulfill his mission." This is an extreme and very sad example of a grit that could be put to better use. in 2015, who shot nine people in an African Methodist church in South Carolina, said he almost abandoned his plan because the parishioners were kind to him. But in the end he did what he had planned, because he had to "fulfill his mission." This is an extreme and very sad example of a grit that could be put to better use.
And in our daily lives, loyalty to unrealistic or harmful goals, often dictated by emotions that we have not figured out, is the worst manifestation of rigidity, the cause of much suffering and missed opportunities. Many people hold on to meaningless or unattainable goals for years because they are afraid to admit that they were wrong when they were chosen, or that they now have different values in life; when reality eventually forces them to change course, it often turns out that other options are no longer available. Alas, maybe the novel you're working on just doesn't work out, so it's time to put it off and do something else. Let you get the main roles in all school plays, but maybe you still fall short of the level of the big screen. Or maybe they realized that they were married to the wrong person,
It happens that you have set yourself an achievable goal - but very difficult. Let's say you managed to enroll in a ballet troupe or get the coveted job of a financial consultant. But after a while, the delight of the discoverer dried up, and life did not become easier. In the meantime, as you postpone facing the harsh facts, the doors to other possibilities are closing one by one, and the delay can cost you dearly. Sometimes the really brave thing to do is to say to yourself, “Enough! I can't torture myself like that anymore. "
Decisiveness should not be made thoughtless. When a goal is not achieved, the most flexible and harmonious response is to adapt it, that is, to loosen the grip and let go of the old, unattainable goal, and then tackle the alternative.
Making such decisions is difficult and often scary. It's easy to feel weak if you're fixated on the notion that the most important thing is never to give up. But there is no need to be ashamed of a rational and felt decision - on the contrary, it is a reason for pride. Perceive such changes not as a defeat, but as a transition to a new stage in life, because you allow yourself to develop and improve along with the circumstances, choosing a path full of new opportunities. This is a worthy and wise decision.
So how do you know when you need a firm grip and when to say enough? How to make such a worthy and wise choice?
In some spheres of activity - in sports, modeling business - the answer is clear, because there a lot depends on age. What if you are a musician who performs live but doesn't make enough money? Or a scientist who is forced to be content with the position of teaching assistant? Or maybe you are still doing what you have always dreamed of, but the industry is in crisis and funding is being cut everywhere? What if you're an entrepreneur who just closed your third startup? And if we are not talking about work? What if your choice between grasping and “enough” has to do with friendships that make you problematic?
Everyone has heard the success stories of people who stayed true to their goal, no matter what, and in the end achieved their goal; but there are many more stories of failure - of those who stubbornly and relentlessly walked into a dead end. How to understand: abandon the goal and look for a new one, or give your dream another chance?
You can add coefficients to the grip and enough equation. Economist Stephen Dubner compares two metrics: sunk costs and lost profits. Irreversible costs are money, time or energy that you have already invested in your endeavor and therefore do not want to give it up. Lost profits are what you give up by sticking to the existing solution. After all, every cent or every minute that you invest in this project (work, relationship) is a cent or a minute that you cannot invest in another, maybe more profitable project (work, relationship).
If you can distract yourself from the sunk costs and look at the situation from the outside, you can better assess whether it is worth continuing to invest time and money in it.
The real answer - to hold on or to give up - can only be given to you by knowing yourself, which is at the heart of emotional flexibility. You just need to turn to face yourself, and then distance yourself and not stop there, discovering and following your most important values and goals.
If you are faced with a choice, grasp or “enough,” try asking yourself these questions.
Am I generally enjoying or enjoying what I'm doing now? Does this activity reflect my values in life? Will it leverage my strengths? To be honest, do I believe I can succeed (or bring the situation to a successful ending)? What opportunities will I give up if I continue to follow this path? Am I being firm in this decision or am I acting thoughtlessly?
I explain the principle of the balance bar using the example of a swing for children to illustrate the idea of balance - the point at which complexity and skill are in creative tension. But I don't mean that our goal in life should be like rolling up and down in one place.
Emotional flexibility is about moving through life. Movement towards clear, difficult, but achievable goals that you pursue not because "it is necessary", not because you were told so, but because you yourself want it, and because these goals are meaningful to you.
When you continue to strive for new knowledge and vivid experiences, when you follow the call of your heart and find your own sincere answers to questions that are important to you, you are not swinging on a children's swing at all. You soar in the sky and open towards the future not only your consciousness, but also your whole world.
