Socialization traps, or how we learn to connect

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Harmony and self-sufficiency - or loneliness and codependent relationships: how childhood experiences shape our perception of the world.

Of course, terminologically, there are no "socialization traps". However, in the process of integration into society, we may encounter various traps on the way that prevent organic interaction with other people. Let's try to figure out how they spoil our life in adulthood and whether it is possible not to fall for them.

Trap one: safety vs anxiety
It is believed that the most important age from the point of view of socialization is adolescence. However, according to psychologist Alana James, recent research suggests that childhood is key to forming our social bonds.

Babies are especially vulnerable as they are completely dependent on the adult. Crying is the only way for a defenseless newborn to get attention. The infant is ready to receive food and protection from anyone who can provide it. However, already at the age of three months, he begins to react to a specific person, and a seven-month-old baby shows affection for at least one of the parents.

Psychologists argue that these early social bonds set the pattern of attachment. Mary Ainsworth, who studies developmental psychology, identifies four attachment patterns:

Reliable type: if the parent consistently meets the needs of the child, picks him up and tries to calm him down when he cries, then the baby feels safe. Already at an early age, he shows independence and autonomy, despite the fact that he is always happy to spend time with loved ones. open towards other people. He is ready to be honest and straightforward in communication, as he feels comfortable during communication.

Anxious-avoidant type: if in childhood the child did not receive attention from one of the parents or was completely deprived of parental presence, he begins to ignore loved ones who were emotionally and often physically inaccessible to him. Ignoring someone who does not reciprocate is a natural response. Ainsworth notes that such children are not inclined to show tenderness, do not like to sit in their arms and constantly try to escape from the embrace.

The child demonstrative minimizes communication with the parent who "betrayed" him, showing indifference, although suffering is often hidden behind the mask of feigned indifference. Growing up, such children often withdraw into themselves, trying to hide their true emotions, especially when it comes to disappointment and despair. It is incredibly difficult for them to connect with people, which is why many prefer distance to trusting relationships.

Anxiety-resistant type: like the previous one, this type also interferes with adequate interaction with others. It arises in the event that the parent does not differ in consistency in his actions, then satisfying the needs of the baby, then neglecting them.

The child ceases to feel safe: the world seems to him a concentration of fear, because uncertainty rules him. He is wary of people, feels uncomfortable in the absence of an adult.
Growing up, such children become passive and do not want to take part in active games. They often have a reduced interest in research and learning. Lack of protection at an early age will lead to the fact that the child will feel that he is not worthy of attention and love. Consequently, he will be prone to codependent relationships and / or to constantly seek confirmation of his worth.

Disorganizing Type: This type of attachment can occur with the other three. An important feature of it is that the parent, no matter how emotionally close he is, demonstrates behavior unusual for a loved one - shouts or even uses physical force. In such situations, the child has a dissonance: the one who should take care and protect, shows aggression. This often becomes the cause of psychological trauma. In addition, disorganized children are prone to dissociation. Their relationship with others is like a pendulum: they either take a step towards, seeking to interact, then again try to distance themselves, fearing that they might be harmed.

According to the study, only 60% of children have a reliable type of attachment: as they grow up, they not only make contacts more easily, but also cope with problems more easily. They evaluate their friends and partners from a positive point of view, in their relationship there is more trust, responsibility, compromise, they are aimed at the durability of ties.

According to scientists, we are deprived of the opportunity to change the attachment model learned in childhood. But it affects not only what type of relationship we build with friends or lovers: subconsciously perceiving it as true, in the future we are more likely to apply it to our own children.

Trap two: friendship vs loneliness
Children begin to show interest in their peers in infancy: they observe their activities and evaluate how they react to their cry, which is still the leading way of communication.

Preschool age is the transition period between individual play and group activities. And, perhaps, the most aggressive time: we kind of test the strength of others, trying to determine the most acceptable means of interaction in order to achieve what we need, be it attention or a toy we like.

From about five years old, children begin to be included in the group. At the same time, they tend to spend more time in the company of same-sex peers: girls usually communicate in pairs or small, "intimate" groups, while boys are more likely to stay in groups in which there is a competitive atmosphere. Psychologists note that at this age girls have a high risk of getting an emotional disorder, while boys are at risk of becoming a victim of aggression.

By interacting in a group, children learn to analyze the emotions and actions of people. Children who are popular in their company are more successful at this task, and children who are rejected by the group are less successful.
At this age, it is especially important for children to protect the boundaries of the accepted norm: if a child violates the rules of the group (for example, behaves aggressively), he is expelled from it.

The ability to make friendships in the future will result in self-confidence and higher self-esteem. Friends tend to share their impressions, which means they learn to understand the very essence of their experiences and strive for more complex social interactions than simple everyday situations. In addition, the presence of a friend in statistical studies is more often associated with harmonious relationships in the family, the absence - with unemployment and lack of success. However, in this matter, one should not diminish the influence of the socio-economic factor.

The third trap: involvement vs alienation
From about 11 years old, children begin to expand their close circle of communication: the connections formed at this time will then migrate into adolescence. In addition, groups become heterosexual: it is during adolescence that we learn to be friends with the opposite sex. At the same time, the first relationship is struck, however, most often they are superficial: the choice of a partner is usually due to the similarity of social status and pleasant appearance. By the end of adolescence, these characteristics cease to play an important role, yielding to the similarity of values and personal qualities.

Also in this period, social roles and such trajectories as popularity, rejection and ignorance are consolidated. Therefore, often people who have offended others or, on the contrary, become victims of bullying, transfer these behaviors to the next stage of life - youth. At the same time, the presence of at least one friend saves the teenager from falling into negative scenarios of “rejection” and “ignorance”.

Since many parents are worried because of the negative impact of gadgets and the Internet, most children begin to actively use social networks only in adolescence, when the gain b of greater independence. Meanwhile, communication in social networks today is a full-fledged competition for real communication. In terms of affection, interaction on Facebook strengthens the bond with loved ones.

An article authored by social psychologists Oldmeadow, Queen and Covert, published in the scientific journal Computers in Human Behavior, notes that people are more likely to turn to Facebook for communication when they need to share negative emotions.

This is a plus: feelings that cannot be expressed directly are easily poured out in an email message. By the way, people with an anxious-resistant type of attachment spend much more time on social networks than those who have an anxious-avoidant type; the latter, in principle, are more laconic and secretive in the network.
In adolescence, of course, peer relationships come to the fore, through which one learns one's own identity and receives emotional support no longer from a relative who gives unconditional love, but from “another”. Although it cannot be said that parental affection is losing its relevance - it just becomes less noticeable, while retaining, however, its influence on the grown child.

A 2013 study confirms the idea that secure attachment continues to have a beneficial effect on us into adulthood. Thus, such people adapt better to social life: at the age of 26, they have a higher IQ, the ability to control stress and build comfortable relationships is noted.

So, the influence of childhood is undeniable: in fact, it is it that prepares the basis for our perception of the world in adulthood. Will we be painfully attached to our loved ones, afraid of losing them, or, on the contrary, will we avoid contact? Are we striving for constructive relationships - or do we subconsciously want to hurt others by trying to avenge our own heartache? I would like to answer that everything depends only on us, but, unfortunately, this is not always the case.
 
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