Obedience, or why we allow others to be controlled

[Tomcat]

You are sitting on a park bench on a sunny but cool spring day, enjoying the morning sun. Your eyes are closed and you feel the warmth from the sunlight spreading throughout your body. You are happy and content, and your consciousness is carried away into happy dreams. Suddenly a shadow hangs over you. You immediately feel cold, you open your eyes and see a man who is blocking the sun from you. He is in a dainty, but not a business suit and tie, handsome, casual, with graying temples. You smile and say, "Good afternoon."

- Good afternoon, - the man answers, but does not leave the place.
His face is turned towards you against the sun, so you cannot make out his features. He's probably not aware that he is blocking the sun's heat, you think to yourself.
“Sorry, but you're blocking my light.
“I know,” he says.
You are at a loss and decide to take a closer look at it. He looks courteous but serious, and doesn't seem to be trying to provoke you. He changes his position and blocks the light for you again. Your confusion is increasing.
"Why is he acting like this?" You ask yourself. You assume that he has a good reason and that you are probably eluding the meaning of his behavior. You don't want to offend this pretty person. You don't want any problems. He looks friendly, but you are a little scared. There must be some mistake here. You close your eyes again, but irritation begins to overwhelm you. After a few seconds, trying to look calm, you ask:
- Why are you blocking my light?
To which the man answers quite seriously:
- I'm glad you asked this question. The fact that I am doing this is of great importance. Moreover, you will excuse me, but I must do something else in relation to you.
He comes up to you and steps with his heel on your foot. You are shocked; he is undoubtedly confusing you with someone. Of course, he could not have intentionally stepped on your foot.
Suppressing a groan, you scream:
- You are standing on my leg!
“Yes, I know,” he says.
- But why? You call out to him again, trying in vain to hide your irritation.
To this he replies with a completely serious air:
“It's probably hard for you to believe it, but the reason I'm standing on your foot is too complicated for you to understand. I can only tell you that it is critical to the country's security and economic prosperity. If we are forbidden to do this, the country will be mired in chaos of terror. I assure you you will not regret it if you allow me to continue without any resistance. Everyone else is doing just that, and we cannot allow you to undermine our efforts to protect our national interests.
The man looks serious and sinister at the same time. You consider yourself a good citizen. But at the same time, you have little experience; you are not too sophisticated about politics. You suppress the urge to ask him a few questions for fear of discovering your ignorance. This person looks educated. Judging by his mannerisms and dress, he is most likely a successful businessman or university professor. The man feels that you are not resisting, and is clearly pleased with this: “You are a good person: this is certainly the merit of your parents. Not troublemakers. Your children will be proud of you. "
You start to get used to the pain. You look around and see many people who are in the same situation as you. Everywhere men in suits are stepping on people's feet. Everyone around is smiling or trying to smile. Things are not so bad. It becomes easier for you, because you know that you are doing the right thing and are not making a scandal: you have earned the respect of this man and you feel ready to help and a law-abiding citizen willing to cooperate.
In the distance, you see several people, apparently trying to resist. They push aside the benevolent gentlemen who are stepping on their feet and run down the street, shouting, "Get off our feet!" Why do they refuse to cooperate? How dare they jeopardize the security and future of our country? You are relieved to see a line of policemen approaching them, stopping the demonstration and arresting those who do not want to peacefully disperse. Justice prevails.
The stranger stepped aside, no longer blocking the sun from you. You leaned back on the bench again, closed your eyes and focused on the warmth of the sun and the warble of birds. You hardly feel any pain from the stranger's leg. You feel sleepy and dream that you are running in a meadow, and wings have grown on your feet. You are completely free - you can even fly. But then you suddenly wake up and realize that it was just a dream. You are sitting on a park bench, no one is standing on your foot; it's just that your new shoes are a little tight.

The purpose of this allegory - to clarify how we allow and justify the subtle power games played over us. We do not protest against the troubles that people in power give us. We rarely ask for reasons why we have to endure. When we see others agreeing and accommodating, we believe that our objections are groundless. We forget about our feelings and our fears. We believe in obvious lies. We do not approve of those who protest. In short, we become submissive. When we doubt something, we doubt ourselves. If we do not understand something, we decide that our own stupidity is to blame. If we don't want to do something, we decide that we are lazy. If we are too tired to resist those who oppress us, we think that we are simply too weak.
Challenging, asking questions and questioning authorities, refusing to meet halfway, openly criticizing the actions of others and defending our rights - all this requires much more strength and skill than most of us have. We do not want to risk what we have by incurring the wrath of those in power. Being uncooperative and stubborn is difficult and risky. Therefore, we silently agree and “cooperate,” which essentially means that we obey.
The first step to gaining power without using power games to control others is to learn how to be rebellious. You are a free person, and this freedom is a source of power, if only you use it. However, you spend most of your life being manipulated and harassed by other people. Refusing to submit to control that goes against your will and understanding releases your own power, allowing it to be used for what you feel is good for you.

Obedience is a quality that many of us are nurtured by our parents, school and all childcare facilities. We learn to do what we are told to do without any questions, since we are, after all, just children. Resignation implies that we do not ask obvious questions, do not talk about what we want, do not express our anger, upset or other feelings when we experience them, do not insist on our rights and do not defend them, we smile when we are sad. and in general we accept everything as it is, without being indignant about this. We are so accustomed to thinking of obedience as a virtue that the mere thought of encouraging disobedience seems bad and even dangerous to us. However, civil disobedience is a centuries-old tradition that forms part of any notable historical movement.

Rebellion is not necessarily rebellious and violent, although it can, and sometimes should, be. We are talking mainly about rebelliousness, proceeding from self-respect and from an iron determination to be benevolent, but demanding of ourselves and others, not to put up with what we disagree with, and again and again to ask the question: "Why? "- until we get a satisfactory answer.

Submissive and critical parent
Why do some people have a pronounced tendency to obey authorities, while others do not? Could it be a matter of willpower? Or are some people just born weak and others strong? Or maybe we learn to be strong or weak from our parents? What is the reason for those significant differences in character that determine whether these people will put up with the domination of others or oppose it?
To answer this question, it is desirable to have at least some basic knowledge of transactional analysis. As you probably already know, in transactional analysis we view human behavior as being divided into three distinct ways of being called “ego states”: Parent, Adult, and Child. These ego states represent three different behaviors that any normal individual can choose.
The Parent's ego state tells people what is good and what is bad, and what should be done. The parent can be attentive, caring about people and trying to protect them from any harm, or can be critical and annoying, controlling them through games of power and abuse.
An adult thinks and acts rationally, makes optimal decisions without emotion and in accordance with logical rules.
The child includes spontaneous and emotional, childish aspects of personality.
The Parent's ego state can manifest itself in two forms: Caring Parent or Criticizing Parent. The Child also manifests itself in two forms: the Adaptive Child, influenced by the Criticizing Parent, or the Natural Child, encouraged and supported by the Nurturing Parent.
The main function of the Criticizing Parent is to control people. It is the source of the games of power and the restraining of other abuses of power to which we are all subject. This type of behavior is inherent in most of us from birth, and is either encouraged or suppressed by the people around us, especially parents and teachers. Both forms of Parent, Caring and Criticizing, have their own biases. The Critic Parent's bias is directed against the Child, and the Nurturing Parent is in his favor. In the Critic Parent ego state, people use their power to control others. On the other hand, when people act in the Caring Parent ego state, they use their power to provide support and protection.
The Criticizing Parent is the controlling ego state of our personality. However, he controls not only other people, but also ourselves. Independence (autonomy), disobedience and ultimately freedom are determined by the degree of our non-subjection to the influences of the Criticizing Parent - both external and internal. This means that we do not use the Criticizing Parent - our ability to control - against ourselves and do not allow others to use it against us. Self-reliance also frees us from striving to gain control over others as a way to satisfy our needs and desires.

How a Critic Parent Works
The Criticizing Parent is a coherent, internalized body of critical and controlling points of view. It is an ubiquitous problem that invades human lives and is known by various names: harsh superego, catastrophic expectations, negativity, low self-esteem, Criticizing Parent, cognitive traps. The criticizing Parent is present in every person's life. However, the extent to which the Criticizing Parent functions varies significantly between individuals.

The Criticizing Parent's ego state functions in two ways. On the external level, when we use it in relation to others, it manifests itself in the form of games of power, as is the case when we force people to follow our desires. Internally, he manifests himself as our "inner voice".

By speaking “in our head,” the Criticizing Parent keeps us from doing what we might do, threatening us with retribution if we disobey.

At its core, the message given by the Critic Parent is “You are not right,” in particular:

* "You are bad" (sinful, lazy, evil, etc.).
* "You are ugly" (you have an ugly face, body, etc.).
* "You are abnormal" (mentally, emotionally, you are irrational, uncontrollable, etc.).
* "You are stupid" (you are mentally retarded, unable to think consistently or clearly, etc.).
* "You are doomed" (sick, hopeless, self-destructive, etc.).
* "You will not be loved."

There are a number of selfish behaviors that are considered immoral; these include lying, theft and violence. We avoid these forms of behavior, guided by our moral principles. On the other hand, there are some stupid things that we do not do because they are ineffective or could harm us; these include drunk driving, overeating, or walking in cold weather without warm clothing.

However, there are also a number of actions that are not selfish, not stupid, but which we still do not do, since our Criticizing Parent does not allow us to do this. We feel ashamed, scared, or do not want to get involved in other things. The criticizing Parent justifies his forbidding commands to us on the basis of morality and rationality. In fact, the rules imposed by the Critic Parent come from respect for established authorities. He keeps us in subjection with the threat that if we do not obey, we will be expelled from the tribe and left to die alone, devoid of love. This ancient threat, which comes from primitive times, causes fear in the heart of almost everyone.

The criticizing Parent keeps us in subjection and submission to authority, making us feel like we are not the right person, and thus any beliefs and feelings we have questioned, unless they are approved by those who have power over us.

In the minds of some people, the Criticizing Parent exists in the form of an insistent and picky voice telling them in what respect they are not like that. The Criticizing Parent's voice can sound prudent, imposing, and calm, and challenge any important decision we make. This voice can be fatherly, imperious, moralistic, threatening us with all the torments of hell.

Most of us hear voices in our heads telling us what is wrong with us and what is wrong in our actions. If people are lying to us, and we want to challenge their statements, the Critic Parent will tell us that we have no right to ask such daring questions. If someone tries to intimidate us, the Criticizing Parent will say that we are weak and unable to resist, and no matter what we do, we will be defeated. If someone tries to take away what is ours, the Criticizing Parent will reassure us that we do not deserve the item, that we have not worked hard enough to earn it, and that it would not have lasted long on our property anyway. If someone tries to suppress us with their eloquence and exaggerated arguments, the Criticizing Parent tells us that we are too arrogant, uneducated, not well-read and simply ignorant to defend our point of view.

Not all people are equally clear about what the Critic Parent is telling them. Some of us perceive the words of the Criticizing Parent as clearly as if they were recorded on a tape playing in our head. Others perceive the Criticizing Parent as a kind of ominous foreboding, as a fear of death, forcing them to submit, surrender, relinquish power, pretend to be dead. The criticizing Parent can haunt us in the form of physical aches and pains, nightmares, and chilling attacks of fear. In any case, be it clear verbal messages or unreasonable feelings of horror and despair, the Criticizing Parent undermines our strength to resist and forces us to submit to those who abuse their power.
Regardless of what form the Criticizing Parent takes, how long he has dominated us in the past, or how overwhelming his power seems to us, we can challenge him. The criticizing Parent continues to function only as long as we are ready to endure him and accept him as a legal component of our inner world. In order to defeat him, we must admit that his orders are unfounded and that the real source of these words are other people, and we internalized these words and now we listen to them. And as long as we listen to this voice, believe and follow its instructions, the Criticizing Parent will have power over us. Therefore, it is important to be aware of the manifestations of the Criticizing Parent within ourselves and in other people in order to actively resist them.