NLP: control. What is it?

[Brother]

Caring is the sunny side of control. Think about these words ... how do they respond to you? Sometimes what we call salvation, help, kindness is a way to control other people. Often we ask our partner: "How are you?", "How was your day?" me a person, whether I am aware of all his events.

Uncertainty is often alarming. A codependent person knows the right way to remove it, to control another. This helps, but not for long, because a person does not solve the main problem, the problem of his own anxiety. A codependent person does not know how to ask directly. We are playing the game, "I am for you, and you are for me." We get angry and offended when we do not receive in return what, as it seemed to us, we were simply obliged to give. Your bonus, a prize for "goodness", "mercy", superpoliteness, compliance. We begin to help, when they do not ask, and again demand gratitude in return. After all, offering your help is a way to get something (care in return, gratitude, feeling that I am a “good person”). Or we are indignant behind our backs, discussing how we are unfairly offended by the world.

“I am everything to you, and you are nothing to me!”, Perhaps you have heard such a phrase, or you yourself have used it more than once in relation to your loved ones. For the desire to save the whole world, and to make it better with our help, we forget that control (even if it manifests itself in the form of care) is in any case pressure. Behind control is our, often unconscious, grandiose desire to control others. Because a codependent person thinks that he is more experienced and knows better how to live for other people. Codependents are often called “heads of the puppet theater,” where the entire world around them is puppets who just need to be put in the right places, the right ones in our opinion. Behind these blinders, we forget that control, like any pressure, causes protest. And unwillingness to communicate with us. This in turn causes resentment, with the help of which you can also control other people very cool. After all, the person at whom we are offended is simply obliged to feel guilty.

Is control always evil?​

Surely, while you are reading these lines, you wanted to argue that there are situations when care, management, and control are necessary. And this is true, there are small children, people who are inadequate, for example (delusional), that threaten their lives and the safety of others, or pets who cannot cope without us. They cannot survive without our help. This example is the signal that separates natural / healthy control and the compulsive desire to control others through caring.

Asking for help is the first criterion that our help is appropriate. More often a codependent person imposes it, does not allow another to ask, is ahead of events, is in a hurry to "spread straws", thereby, does not allow another (his partner, husband, child) to be responsible for his life and his mistakes We deceive ourselves when we count that others need our support. We lose touch with reality, it seems to us that almost everyone around is small and helpless. Without guidance and advice, they will "break the wood", will not survive, and will suffer.

The codependent becomes a God who knows best how to act / act / speak. At this point, the codependent person is driven by the desire to feel powerful. By controlling the lives of others, we lose control over our own. It is important to understand that the urgent need to keep everything and everyone around under control is a mechanism that originated a long time ago. Codependents come from dysfunctional families. From families where something has disturbed the usual course of the child's development. Perhaps someone close to him was sick (addiction, mental illness), or physical punishment was the norm, or one of the parents was emotionally cold. Perhaps there were very tough parenting measures in the family. In any case, this mechanism became adaptive and provided at some point a person with the opportunity to survive,

Naturally, human capabilities are limited, it is impossible to live several lives at the same time, therefore, dealing with other people, we lose control over our own life. A codependent person, supported by their own perfectionism, ignores their fatigue and gets sick from it. First of all, sleep is disturbed, this is a signal that a person is in a difficult stressful situation. His own personal life suffers, he loses opportunities for his career advancement, because he deals with the problems of other people, and not his own.

Behind all this is the need to feel nothing. Because we are accustomed to the fact that our habitual experiences relate to the negative spectrum of experiences (pain, loneliness, sadness, despair). Instead of doing something with his pain in his soul, the codependent person "rushes" to save the other. At this moment, he has the illusion that the external events surrounding him will correct him, an already difficult state of mind. You just need a little more than usual to strain and this time I will get satisfaction from how well I helped another. At the same time, I myself am a forgotten, lonely person, a person I do not need. Was, is and remain so. As long as we are unable or unwilling to organize our lives, we will take care of the lives of others.

Controlling the Family with Feelings​

“If you don't do as I say, I will be offended!”, “Don't tell grandmother, she will be upset”, “You are behaving badly, you are a bad boy”, “You should be ashamed of your behavior, you are doing bad things ”. Familiar phrases? If so, then perhaps you are familiar with such a state when you do not want to feel. Because these feelings, with acute pain pierce the heart, it is impossible to experience them, it is unbearable to be in them. Very often, parents use guilt and shame as a tool in the educational process. It's a shame when a parent has only this way to influence the child. Then these feelings go out of the category of ordinary experiences necessary for any person. Become a whip, a way to control a little person, the only way to influence.

“Mom will be offended by you if you don't put away the toys” - such a phrase becomes an ordinary tool for manipulating a little man. In short, the main message of my mother is: "I will stop loving you if you do not do as I say." And of course, the child is scared to receive the rejection of his mother, he is not ready to be so rejected by the person on whom his life depends at the moment. Any child learns to interact with the world through the first contact, contact with their loved ones (significant environment, as a rule, these are his parents).

What does the child learn in this situation? The fact that his feelings and desires are unimportant, there is a fear that makes him act. Act as others expect from him. Very often in my practice, I come across a situation where an already matured person is "mired in self-control," under the control of his thoughts, feelings and bodily manifestations. Thinking "bad", feeling "embarrassed", crying "ashamed." At the same time, all this is alive and present, all natural manifestations are torn out, and are faced with social stereotypes "men should not cry", expectations of loved ones "he / she is a strong person, and he will cope with everything. "

The likelihood that a child who grew up in a situation where he was being ruled by resentment will try to control his partner in the same way (through resentment) is very high. He will control himself, suppress his naturalness, so that in no case does he cause anger and resentment of other people important to him.

​

Many-sided control​

You can talk a lot about the manifestations of control. At the same time, there can be many examples of its manifestation in various situations. For ease of understanding, the forms of controlling behavior can be divided into two categories. Control from above and control from below.

Control "from above"

1. - accusation ("you never", "you always").

2. - salvation, help, hyper-care, guidance, advice.

3. - requirements, the question "Why don't you?" - this puts the person in a defensive position.

4. - leaving (from the room or home).

5. - use of money / bribery.

6. - flattery, giving gifts with subtext, hinting at something.

Control "from below"

1. - to say “I don't know”, not to answer questions, behind this there is an unwillingness to take responsibility for your life.

2. - wait for overly detailed instructions from other people.

3. - control through resentment.

4. - be in the "Victims" position.

5. - it is hard to sigh and not speak / ask directly.

6. - be weak / childish / dependent.

It is quite obvious that both methods make it possible to maintain power over the situation. The payment for power can be very different. We can get very tired, be dissatisfied because other people do not want to do the way we "about ourselves" decided that they should do. Indignation, anger, powerlessness are the eternal companions of those who are trying to control not their own, but someone else's life.

Ways to Cope with Control​

Such methods are suggested in his book "Liberation from the Trap of Codependency" by J. And B. Wanhold.

1. Before starting help, make sure that you really need it. An appropriate question would be “What do you want from me?” Addressed to your partner.

2. Let go of the habit of thinking that others are helpless and cannot cope without you. Bear your responsibility, and do not interfere with carrying it to another. “I know that you can solve this difficulty. Do you want to discuss this in detail? "

3. Offer support to people who feel helpless to reach their own potential. "Think about possible ways to solve the problem, and then we will discuss with you."

4. Don't do more than half of the work on a problem or assignment. Make an agreement with your partner that he will do at least half of the work. "I can do this, but what are you ready to do?"

5. Be attentive to your feelings, do not do what you really do not want. Be honest with yourself: "I don't want to do this."

6. Avoid behavior that puts the aas in a position of superiority (do not give advice without asking for it, do not interrupt the speaker).

7. Give up the role of the victim (in 100% of cases, ask for what you want, do not remain silent).

 

[Jollier]

NLP: patterns​

- I have a phobia.
- There are no phobias in NLP - there are patterns in NLP. The pattern needs to be destroyed!

Frank farrelli
If we want to change behavior - the term "pattern" is often used in NLP - then we can use several fundamentally different approaches: destroy old behavior, add more successful new, or first destroy the old and then add new. In NLP, they often prefer to add options, assuming that a person will use new choices. But sometimes the main focus of attention will be precisely destruction - if a person has a phobia or addiction, first of all, he wants to get rid of it all. In addition, having destroyed the old behavior, we can leave the search for a replacement to the unconscious.

A pattern is what repeats itself in behavior regardless of context.
So I got the idea to focus specifically on the topic of destruction - to see in what ways and how it can be done. But before proceeding, let's agree on the cards:

• if instead of a pattern there is nothing else - there was an anchor, it was destroyed, there is no reaction to the stimulus - then this is destruction;
• if instead of one pattern another was inserted - there was an anchor, but now there is a new reaction to the stimulus - then this is a replacement;
• if new ones have been added to the existing pattern - a person can react to the same stimulus both in the old way and in a new way - then this is an addition.

It is clear that this division is very arbitrary, but, as they say, let's take it as a basis.
As examples:

• The Anchors Collapse technique destroys old ties.
• The "Sweep" technique first destroys the pattern, then builds in a new one.
• The Six Step Reframing technique adds new behaviors without destroying old ones.

In NLP, usually after destruction, they still help the client to come up with something new to replace the destroyed one. This can be both an instruction to the unconscious, and a very specific pattern of "creation" - for example, after the "Threshold" pattern, it is recommended to make a "Sweep".
So, what patterns of breaking patterns do we have.
Here the term pattern is used in two senses - what we destroy and how. What can be destroyed: anchors, beliefs, goals, strategies, identity, mission, meta-state. You can destroy either connections - anchors, beliefs, - or "constructions" - mission, purpose, identity. For example, a state cannot be destroyed, just go into another.
Submodal: imagine a situation painted on glass and shattered glass; push the situation to infinity; squeeze to a point; remove sound to a minimum; paint over with black.
Swing pattern: first imagine what it is now - quickly new view - get distracted. And so 5-7 times. If instead of a new image it is empty - the destruction of the old process.
Threshold pattern: You can break obsessions. We take obsession, define the critical submodality, strengthen it until we cross the threshold and the brain ceases to perceive the object as real. By the way, Bandler suggests using the threshold pattern for making decisions - you increase the feeling of dissatisfaction with yourself (you can remember unfortunate situations) until you say to yourself: "Enough!"

The metamodel has a rather interesting pattern for working with generalizations - looking for the opposite example:
- You are always late.
- Was it that I came on time? - the typical focus of the language. But there is something like a threshold pattern - hyperbolization: - Always, always, always !? - It's worth thinking about it, because among the focuses of the language there are analogs only conditionally (frame extension). And in general, you can consider many promotions from the point of view of overcoming the threshold.
Anchors: Collapse destroys anchors. A good sign is that there is no reaction to the old stimulus.
Meta-states: to experience complete indifference in relation to an event / person / thing.
Rapid Reverse Associated Reliving: As in the Rapid Phobia Cure technique, also destroys anchors.
Promotions: Many promotions simply destroy beliefs, especially those that show that it doesn't work or its consequences are not acceptable, but do not offer new options.
Presuppositions: you can insert a destruction command, like "You understand that you are deprived of the opportunity to do this."
Well Destroyed Result - Take the XCP points and ask questions about why they cannot be achieved.
Limiting beliefs of goal achievement - we create limiting beliefs (or destroy supportive ones) on the topic: the goal is not needed, the goal is not achievable in principle (hopelessness), the goal is not achievable for me (helplessness), I am not worthy of achieving the goal (worthlessness), I can achieve goals only with someone's help (addiction). You can create both with the help of presuppositions and with the strategy of creating beliefs. You can destroy it with the help of promotions.
You can destroy beliefs not only with the help of promotions, but also by following the strategy of destruction of beliefs - as in the "Museum of Old Beliefs" technique. Apparently, this can be done in purely verbal ways, only you need to find out the persuasions of the destruction of beliefs.

You can try to look for something in common in the mechanisms of destruction:

• collapse of opposites: collapse of anchors, speech paradoxes;
• destruction of structure: reverse re-living, swing pattern;
• erasure: meta-state of "indifference", erasure submodality - deletion, painting, etc .;
• destruction command: all kinds of speech commands - in presuppositions, embedded messages, direct suggestions, etc.
• motivation for destruction: to show that the pattern does not work or its use is not environmentally friendly.

 

[Carding 4 Carders]

NLP in negotiations​

In today's information and knowledge-driven world, traditional rules of negotiation are little used. We need new, systemic approaches to the art of negotiating. No man can act as if he is living alone. There are always people who play an important role in our life and in our affairs.
We cannot fully succeed until we learn to manage our relationships in a direction that will help us move towards our goals. And other people, of course, have their own goals. Obviously, one of the keys to effective relationships is to explore opportunities to create situations that benefit (benefit) all parties.

How not to succumb to the tricks of your partner and negotiate profitably?
According to Saint-Exupery, "communication is the highest pleasure." But about 70% of people fail in business only because they do not know how to present themselves correctly at business meetings, to take a leading position in the course of the conversation.
Negotiations are a process of bilateral exchange of information aimed at reaching an agreement in conditions of partial coincidence of interests of the parties.
Professional negotiation skills, knowledge of technology will help to achieve the desired result. Negotiations resemble a game, when all participants are concentrating on calculating each other's moves. Success comes with the one who maneuvers better and is willing to give in by implementing a well-thought-out strategy.

From the point of view of psychology, business negotiations are a struggle, competition. And one has only to demonstrate weakness, emotional imbalance, as the other side will certainly take advantage of the situation to insist on its own.
People who are successful in negotiating always try to adhere to the style of behavior inherent in the winner. They are assertive rather than aggressive and oppose hostility even when others are unwilling to cooperate.
Using gestures, you can set the right tone for the conversation. It is quite possible to learn how to manage your excitement, emotions, as well as psychologically prepare for negotiations.

Key Behavior Points Required for Successful Negotiation

• Be flexible. Begin your negotiations by setting specific goals. Be prepared to change the rules of the game depending on your knowledge of the desires of the interlocutor.
• Be clear about your goals. Ask people to describe their wishes for the final outcome of the negotiation. This is the deciding factor if you want to win. But the idea alone will not lead to the fulfillment of your or their intentions. Winning a negotiation is when both you and your opponent, working together, discover methods to achieve both your goals and the goals of the client (opponent).
• Focus on the reasons, not the positions themselves. If you and the client have different opinions, find out the reason for these differences. If you think so, then there is a reason why you made this decision.
• Look for options. Concentrate on creatively creating alternative solutions, ideas, and opportunities that best suit the goals of both parties. One head it's good, but two better.
• Do not hurry. Don't respond to pressure or urgency with a hasty decision. Pause to give yourself time to think about your next steps.

As a negotiator, you should be aware that other people's views on the importance of issues may differ from your own. All people see things differently. Understanding how much your interlocutor rates each position will allow you to respond effectively.
Surprisingly, but true: in personal relationships, the ability to negotiate is the key to a long, stable, interesting relationship (tested in practice!). NLP has created many models of effective influence on the interlocutor; Knowledge, understanding and application of NLP skills is extremely important for successful negotiations. Therefore, NLP models and techniques are used in negotiation training very actively and fruitfully.
Respect your partners - learn techniques for successful negotiations.

 

[Father]

Combat NLP​

Limiting themselves to the techniques and ideas of the humanistic direction of NLP, many techniques and practices lose their effectiveness, become empty rituals, and are devalued. The devaluation of NLP requires an ideological shake-up that must be effective and skilled.

Nothing affects a person like a word. It makes us rejoice and laugh, move mountains and perform miracles. But it can plunge us into deep sadness, make us lose strength, and sometimes even ourselves.
And a word "tenderly" spoken at the right moment can lead to much more serious consequences, and it will never occur to us what exactly it caused them. Abusive words just have less effect - we just know that we are being told “bad” and be on our guard in advance. An event assessment is included that, like a reliable chain mail, does not miss the damage done deeply.

And yet a person, even wearing a bulletproof vest, can be stabbed with a knife. Between the protective plates - just by hugging him. In order for the words of another person to act on you, you must let him close. He should be with you in rapport - when you yourself let him into your own safety zone. These special words, spoken with a smile, sympathy, interest, supposedly with sympathy, cause terrible damage. The wounds they leave are dangerous in that they imperceptibly turn our lives into suffering.

People live without knowing what they are doing with each other, what types of weapons are used against each other - without realizing it. We have at our disposal a magnificent instrument created by nature - our consciousness, but we not only do not own this instrument, but we manage to use it to the detriment of ourselves and others, often resembling the notorious madman with a straight razor.
And the first thing to do to protect yourself from this madman is to acknowledge his existence.

Combat NLP exists.​

Combat NLP is available to everyone and is not used by gloomy sorcerers who boil vipers and frogs in cauldrons and use it to create malicious conspiracies, curses and love spells. Not at all!
Things are even worse. Combat NLP techniques are used by those from whom we least expect it - our friends, relatives, relatives and acquaintances. And the more furiously they insist that NLP is actually decent nasty, the more likely they are using it! Unconsciously, of course. Without thinking about what consequences and conditions their words cause. And why should you know? After all, it is unpleasant to associate what you said to a person with some kind of troubles in his condition and even health? "These are just words ..." - people say. And if these are exactly the words that plunged a person into the abyss of negative experiences? Who prompted him to think about his own helplessness? And led you in the direction of depression?

Have you ever thought about the New Year's greetings we all are used to? From year to year, without knowing it, we hammer into each other's heads that nothing depends on us: “May joy and success accompany you this year! May all your plans come true! May luck accompany you! "

Please note that both joy and success will decide for themselves whether to accompany a person with them! Plans may or may not come true on their own, and only luck - if it wants, of course! - will be somewhere nearby. And for some reason it is no longer surprising that most people do not believe in themselves. What exactly depends on them, how their life will change, you just have to want.
"No, changes are not possible, no matter what I do. Nothing can be changed."

The basic states that a person falls into when using any techniques of combat NLP are helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness. The path to these states is varied, but it also has its common features, and this is what allowed us to think about creating a model. Indeed, developing humanistic NLP, its founding fathers Bandler and Grinder paid attention to only one side of communication - they modeled the leading communicators of our time, who were unique psychotherapists.

And we did not explicitly describe the second side of communication - the client. We thought about the fact that clients must be very creative and successful in maintaining their problems to go to a psychotherapist. What makes ordinary people clients of psychotherapy offices?

And we began to identify patterns of creating and maintaining problem, borderline, and psychiatric states. Patterning allowed us to create models and we were surprised - it turned out that combat NLP is applied to us much more often than we would like, and people close to us use it. Not out of malice - they have no idea about the long-term consequences of this type of communication!
So let's face it! We will not learn how to harm, but understand how it works. To defend yourself correctly, you need to understand how they can attack.

For those who are engaged in knife fighting, it is surprising to look at people studying sambo or karate techniques against a knife. Why is it amazing? A knife fighter will never do what karate thinks about it.
To know how to defend against a knife, you need to learn how to attack with this weapon.
To make yourself immune to verbal attacks, you need to learn how others do it.
And if you know that a person uses a latent influence, it will no longer be latent.

What did Pelevin hear about?​

In October 2008, Viktor Pelevin's book "P5" was published, which contains a description of several simple techniques of the arsenal of NLP techniques used for the purpose of manipulation. So with the light hand of the "new Russian writer", the expression "combat NLP" again began to travel across the vastness of the Internet, provoking rumors and speculation. It should be noted that the writer's interest in neuro-linguistic programming is long-standing, but amateurish. The description of techniques is full of distortions and omissions and, taken out of context, loses its elegance, power and pragmatism. Maybe it's for the best ..

Combat NLP has always been.​

Emerging from modeling and linguistics, neuro-linguistic programming from the very beginning of its existence stood on two legs, that is, relied on two groups of ideas and practices that support and complement each other. One of these areas is widely known today as a humanistic direction of a positive attitude and therapeutic impact. Another direction is directly "Combat NLP". Its main task is to achieve goals and manipulate human reactions in extreme conditions.

“If you don't know how to build phobias in people, then you don't understand NLP at all” Richard Bandler.​

The humanistic model of NLP was created by linguistics professor John Grinder and psychology student Richard Bandler. "Combat NLP" was created by former spy John Grinder and white ghetto Richard Bandler. In the Thunder 70s, when NLP was created, there was little difference between directions. It went deep into the 80s and 90s, supported by the spread of the humanistic direction of NLP among psychologists and psychotherapists, for whom many of the ideas and methods of "combat NLP" were alien. It was the humanistic model of NLP that was brought to Russia in the early 90s, and it is it that is taught today in the NLP Practitioner and NLP Master courses. However, the humanistic model never could and cannot solve all the problems facing a person and society. Therefore, without advertising their attention and presence,

"Communication is manipulation".​

The techniques of "combat NLP" are based on the identification and use of vulnerable areas and weaknesses of the personality, the identification of non-resource emotions and states, internal conflicts and unjustified expectations. The first component of today's Combat NLP is the work of Richard Bandler. Another important component of Combat NLP is the techniques used by intelligence agencies to infiltrate and recruit. The third component is practical knowledge of the "labyrinths of pain, suffering and hopelessness", given by psychotherapeutic ecology, experience and knowledge.

Why is it important now.​

Limiting themselves to the techniques and ideas of the humanistic direction of NLP, many techniques and practices lose their effectiveness, become empty rituals, and are devalued. The devaluation of NLP requires an ideological shake-up that must be effective and skilled.

Limitations of "Combat NLP".​

The techniques and techniques of "Combat NLP" are not a means of intimidation or "secret zombie techniques." As a serious addition to the humanistic part of today's NLP, "Combat NLP" requires a certain qualification and understanding of the importance of application tasks. To use the techniques of "Combat NLP" requires personal stability.
And yet, Combat NLP is an inoculation for personality resilience!