Negotiation: Which Role to Choose?

[Brother]

In life, we usually play one of five roles: aggressor, victim, moderator, observer, rescuer. The aggressor and the victim are the two main roles. But there are others, without which no negotiations can go.

As soon as a person becomes an aggressor - raises his voice, interrupts, criticizes, belittles us in some way - it is as if a part of our strength leaves us, and we become small, shriveled, immobilized, with a tight breath. Become a Sacrifice. The victim also becomes the Aggressor quite easily. And this couple, the Aggressor and the Victim, often begins to work against all the arguments of reason.

I do not mean that the Aggressor is always only bad, and the Victim is good, or the Victim is bad. You can be a dosed, constructive aggressor. You can be a constructive victim.

For example, everyone went to the dances, and you went to read the textbook, you are a constructive sacrifice this evening, because you are spending your time on something not very interesting, but in the future, in five years, you will be much more effective. The whole civilization rests on the rational suppression of oneself. A dosed aggressor is a person with a will who can insist on his own. The question is how to become constructive.

When a person mumbles, he seems to be justifying himself and thereby annoying the one who is in front of him. He arouses the aggressor in another, showing that he is weak. The tongue twister, the muttering, the intonation of the complaint, the expression on the face "Oh, that you are sticking to me" excite the Aggressor.

The victim says: “I'm not here now, turn away from me”, “Little ones are not beaten. I do not participate in this, they sent me here. "

If we speak indistinctly, then our interlocutor wants to speak more articulately, to make large gestures, to reproach us for something. The aggressor, as it were, waving himself, waving his arms.

Another important role in negotiations is the Moderator.

In addition to participating in the process, there is a moderation of the process. The actions of the Moderator do not depend on the semantic content of the negotiations. Our “inner moderator” remembers that we need to move forward, reformulate, interrupt, frown. That is, to change the pose, regardless of the content.

The moderator can distance himself from the situation itself and take three or four steps in different orbits, look at this situation.

You reformulate, thank, move towards, give out a metaphor, interrupt, praise, address the person directly, transfer the conversation to another topic, give a beautiful example.

Let you be interested, as an entertainer, in the atmosphere and quality of what is happening. You, as an editor, place punctuation marks regardless of the content of the conversation. Somewhere a comma, somewhere an exclamation mark, somewhere an ellipsis.

You make sure that the process is alive all the time, so that everyone is interested.

There is an even more detached role - the Observer. Every two minutes you take a "snapshot" of where you are, how this person feels, how I feel. As an observer, you mirror a person, crawl into his skin, look from the side. You release tension into breathing, move. If this observer is not in you, then you have swum into your trance, you are thinking about something of your own and in this situation you are not really present. This actually means that your negotiations are over.

What can a Moderator do?

Maintain pauses: only in them are possible turns in communication

Listen to the interlocutor and catch when the intonation goes down

Reformulate what was said

Say the same thing in short

Provide precise wording

Translate what was said into a metaphor

Give thanks more often when it's sincere

Summarize the results at different stages of negotiations

Get up and walk around the room

Tune in to joke subtly and not offensive

Ask permission to speak

Sit unchained

Move smoothly while sitting still

Celebrate the time aloud and silently

Shrug your shoulders and check your breathing freedom

More often to be paradoxical and not banal

Don't be too afraid of originality

Asking follow-up questions (easy to answer)

Lean back and rest for at least a few seconds

Take notes, short sketches in a notebook

Our task is to de-automate the negotiation process. We need to be able to distinguish between the momentary states of people in life, to instill in ourselves a taste for this.

The next role is the Rescuer. The Rescuer is not tied to the continuous exchange of Aggressor - Victim roles. His task is to disenchant himself from living directly in one of these roles, to teach himself to wake up from being drawn into aggression or into a state of victim. Over the course of our lives, we have many times found ourselves in situations of excess of violence, especially in our homeland, where the echoes of violence are very strongly audible. We have a huge number of small stories about this, and these stories can include parents, neighbors, a physical education teacher ...

Our task is to be aware of when we seem to find ourselves in these old situations. What is stopping our breathing? Why are we losing contact with our shoulders? Why can't we move while sitting still? We learn, having entered any playing role, to leave it. Try to play this and end the game with a deroling - get out of this or that image by doing, say, four movements.

If the task is to be clear and precise, it is very useful to practice articulation, tongue twisters, and counting rhymes. This is the element of preparation for negotiations - not semantic, but emotional, attuning to a certain state.

Source: L. Krol “Negotiations. Games of hidden forces "

 

[Tomcat]

Negotiation technology - "CLOSED PLATE" and ASSERTED REQUEST​

The method is used to meet a person's fair demands, but it should be about something to which you really have an undeniable right.

Using this technique, you can make purchases, make claims about something, insist on replacing a low-quality product.
This technique allows you to act confidently when contacting various authorities (to ensure that your request is satisfied not only in accordance with the law, but also in a timely manner).

The manager can use this technique to require subordinates to perform duties arising from legislation and official functions, etc.

"JAMED PLATE" can be successfully applied in some family situations. It works best if you are in a dominant position: for example, it can be used by parents in relation to children.

The possibilities of this technique in using it between spouses are more limited. Exceptions are situations when one of the spouses clearly violates the rights of the other, for example, abuses alcohol, uses violence, etc.

The principle of operation of the technique is based on a clear, unambiguous and most concise expression of their requirements. You state your requirement using the "I-Message".

The opposite side can say anything, explaining the reason for their refusal, but you will repeat yours - like a needle on a damaged gramophone record. You do not allow yourself to be diverted from your task, you do not defend yourself or make excuses. You agree with everything that is true, or at least looks plausible in your opponent's arguments.

Let him express any factual inconsistencies, in response you say: "You are right, this happens."

The only thing you insist on is your demand. Thus, the opponent finds himself, as it were, in the grip of a paradox: you always agree with him (but only in what is of secondary importance at the moment) and only in the "small" you lead your line.

It is important to consistently maintain an assertive attitude from the very beginning of the conversation. This means that you are behaving like a person who is convinced of his own rightness and considers his opponents to be decent and experienced people. You are calm and relaxed, because you have nothing to fear: the result is predetermined by the actual state of affairs. During the whole "game" you should not feel and show fear, otherwise your position will become not assertive, but timid.

Be careful when ending a conversation. When you have achieved your goal, thank you politely. Do not allow yourself remarks like: "Well, there was so much bickering!" A similar ending is aggressive rather than assertive.

It should be noted that this method by no means strengthens the relationship, so it should not be used too often with loved ones.

The SCHEME of using the technique is as follows:

1. Describe the event.
2. Describe the consequences for you. Describe your feelings about this.
3. Appeal to justice (criterion). Explain what allows you to say it is unfair.
4. Say “therefore…” and state the essence of your proposal (describe your preferred outcome).
5. After the opponent has raised his objections, confirm their validity. Repeat them, and then repeat your requirement with no arguments.
6. Further agree with each plausible argument of the opponent, and then attach your demand to them using the conjunction "and".

ASSERTED REQUEST.
A request is an honest expression of your position and your desires, made in such a way that the other person is free to agree or refuse, since you ask him to express his position and his desire.

A request ceases to be a request and becomes a demand when you let the other understand in some way (this is easily achieved by intonation):
- what do you expect a certain response
- that you are entitled to a definite answer
- that you will feel resentful (upset, angry, abandoned) if your request is not granted.

Sometimes we feel embarrassed when we have to ask someone for a favor. This is especially unpleasant when we believe that our communication partner is obliged to meet us halfway: if he should do this, but does not, it is ugly, if not immoral, on his part. However, unlike the situation when we defend our legal claims, here we are talking about cases in which we rely on the goodwill of a person.

For example, we are in a hurry, and the other person does not want to skip us out of line. Instead of asking him to be nice, we attack him for not wanting to help us, for being angry, annoyed, or other annoying experiences.

Another problem is that some people cannot dare to ask for a favor, and if they do, they ask for a favor as if they do not hope to satisfy their desires, because they are unworthy of a positive answer. They don't want to feel humiliated by rejection. At the same time, they are sure that they will be refused, and they are afraid of this.

In deep childhood, parents meet the basic needs of the child, even if he does not ask them to. They drink, feed, clothe, protect him. At the same time, they manage his life, deciding for him what is good for him and what is bad.

E. Fromm called such relations “primary bonds”. Growing up, a person breaks the "primary bonds", becomes free. However, along with the decrease in the share of external management, concern inevitably decreases. Most people are not ready for this, they present things in such a way that other people are obliged to patronize them.

The realities of a free person are that he does not allow himself to be commanded and at the same time realizes that no one is obliged to take care of him. He understands: “If I need something from others, I can ask them to be nice. If they agree, good; if they refuse, alas."

Everyone has every right to ask for what he needs without feeling humiliated. The other has every right to do you a favor or refuse without feeling guilty.

When you ask for a favor, be confident, but not arrogant. Imagine that the person you are contacting wants to help you, but does not know how. Be direct and polite about your request.

Some people refuse the help that others offer them, even when they really need it. Often we refuse to accept help because we are afraid to feel obligated to this person. We fear that when he subsequently turns to us with a request, we will not be able to refuse him. This often happens because we do not know how to respond to the service.

One possible solution is that you accept and thank the help you need with dignity. Gratitude, for example, "Thank you, you helped me a lot!"

A kind of courtesy is a compliment that comes from someone, even though we didn't ask for it. Accepting praise is a kind of accepting another person. He has every right to feel gratitude, admiration and other feelings for you. By themselves, they do not oblige you to anything, it is quite enough just to thank the person for the kind words.