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Self-awareness is the most important ability for a modern person. To become successful and happy, you need to clearly understand who you are and what your place in the world is. Unfortunately, as studies show, every year people are more and more mistaken about themselves. Even trying to understand ourselves, we continue to drown in illusions and self-deception.
There are many obstacles on the path to self-realization, and we will try to get rid of one of them right now. Meet the Ruminator, the evil creature that lives inside your brain. You listen to him. You believe him. You spend a lot of time talking to him. And it is completely in vain, because his goal is to catch you in a web of disturbing thoughts, fear and regret, and then torment - the longer the better.
The evil twin of self-observation
“Why can't I ever succeed? Why did I tell this man so much too much? My performance was terrible, how could you be so disgraced? "Almost all of us have such thoughts from time to time, and it is not so easy to cope with them.
Concentrating on our own failures, weaknesses and fears, we find ourselves in an endless cycle of self-criticism: day after day, we replay memories of an unpleasant conversation in our heads; we regret what we did; we reproach ourselves for not at all like the person we want to be. At some point, it becomes impossible to think about something else.
This obsession with the same negative thoughts has its scientific name - rumination. We often mistake this painful state for productive introspection, but in reality it only prevents us from seeing ourselves objectively and does not help in any way in solving our problems.
Anyone who tries to maintain friendly relations with everyone can think long and painfully about the last conflict with a friend. A woman for whom it is important to be a good mother will fall into rumination if her children are criticized at a parent meeting. A career obsessed person will worry about their low productivity. What do you usually scold yourself for? What qualities, actions, words do you analyze most often?
If every now and then you recall the annoying moments of your life, constantly berate yourself and cannot get rid of negative thoughts for a long time, then it's time to start fighting the harmful ruminator that lives inside you.
Consequences of rumination
You might think that rumination is okay, and sometimes it's even helpful to criticize yourself. But this is not the case. Seeing your flaws and working on them is one thing; self-flagellation and chewing on the same toxic thoughts is quite another.
Psychologist and author of the book "Insight" Tasha Eirich notes that ruminators are less likely to be satisfied with life, build relationships with others worse, more often lose a sense of control over their fate and generally feel less happy than people who are not prone to painful thinking.
Some studies show that rumination also leads to cognitive decline and sleep disturbances.
Obsession with negative thoughts affects mental health as well. People who are prone to rumination experience stress and anxiety, even if there are no negative events happening in their lives. By engaging in self-criticism, we can drag ourselves into a vicious cycle of depression, making it even more difficult to get out of this trap.
Perhaps, despite all the disadvantages, self-criticism still helps us to work on ourselves? If, after a speech in front of a large audience, you go through your mistakes for a week and remember with what sour faces they looked at you from the audience, will this lead to the fact that next time you will be better prepared? Unlikely. Chances are, you will generally begin to shy away from public speaking that makes you feel uncomfortable. Almost all people who are prone to rumination follow the avoidance strategy.
Plunging into rumination, we do not understand the problem and do not look for a solution, but simply fixate on our failure, forcing ourselves to experience negative emotions over and over again.
5 ways to stop rumination
Anyone can experience rumination at some point in their life. It is very important to learn to notice the moment when you are about to find yourself in this trap, and to stop the inner critic. There are some simple strategies to stop painful thinking in the beginning:
1. Ask yourself the question: "Is this important for other people as well as for me?"
Perhaps for the third day you are tormented by the fact that you gave too personal information to a stranger. Is it worth it to worry if, in fact, he did not attach any importance to this story and after a couple of hours completely forgot about your problems? Or it worries you that you behaved very stiffly during the presentation. But, most likely, not a single person even paid attention to it. Fortunately, no one cares about your mistakes as much as you think.
2. Form your development mindset. Think not about what a failure you are, but about what you can learn.
What are you in the mood for now: a given or a development? According to psychologist Carol Dweck, it depends on whether you become a successful and happy person.
People with a fixed mindset are sure that their personal qualities, abilities, intelligence are something they received at birth and does not change during their life. When they fail, they lose faith in themselves and give up. They tend to engage in fruitless self-criticism: “I did not manage. Apparently, I am not smart and talented enough. "Having stumbled once, in the future they avoid situations that can expose them in a bad light, and thereby deprive themselves of the chances of success.
People with a developmental mindset are less likely to ruminate. They understand that they are capable of changing for the better, so they do not dwell on their mistakes and even see opportunities for self-improvement in negative experiences.
The next time something goes wrong, focus not on the result, but on the learning. Instead of blaming yourself for the failure, just calm down and start solving the problem again.
3. Switch to something else.
Shifting attention helps to stop a continuous chain of negative thoughts. Psychologists recommend doing something that offers quick rewards - cleaning, hanging out with friends, exercising. Of course, you should not constantly run away from difficulties, but sometimes you just need to be distracted in order to return to problems in a calmer state.
By distancing ourselves from our heavy thoughts, we begin to perceive problems as less annoying and more solvable.
4. Tell yourself: "Stop!"
Learn to stop the flow of negative thoughts with a simple phrase: “Stop! It's time to stop thinking about it. Rumination will not give me anything. "
This method is especially useful if you have already made some difficult decision, but continue to be tormented: "Perhaps I am in vain going to part with this person", "If my plan fails, there will be a disaster", "I probably shouldn't have made that call. "...
Of course, before making a decision, you need to think it over properly, weigh all the pros and cons; but when the choice has already been made, endless mental chatter will not benefit you, but only hinder your progress.
5. Check if your assumptions are true.
If you have been bothered by painful thoughts that you are incompetent (irritable, boring, stupid, angry, obsessive, withdrawn, etc.) person for several days, try to seek advice from people who love you, but at the same time know how to be honest ... Let them talk about how they think you are and how they think you can improve. During this test, you will have a chance to look at yourself more objectively.
Either way, accept yourself with love and compassion. Do not be tormented if you find any shortcomings in yourself, and do not reproach yourself. Better think about how you can adjust your behavior in the future to become who you want to be. Try to sort out the problem calmly, without evaluations and accusations.
There are many obstacles on the path to self-realization, and we will try to get rid of one of them right now. Meet the Ruminator, the evil creature that lives inside your brain. You listen to him. You believe him. You spend a lot of time talking to him. And it is completely in vain, because his goal is to catch you in a web of disturbing thoughts, fear and regret, and then torment - the longer the better.
The evil twin of self-observation
“Why can't I ever succeed? Why did I tell this man so much too much? My performance was terrible, how could you be so disgraced? "Almost all of us have such thoughts from time to time, and it is not so easy to cope with them.
Concentrating on our own failures, weaknesses and fears, we find ourselves in an endless cycle of self-criticism: day after day, we replay memories of an unpleasant conversation in our heads; we regret what we did; we reproach ourselves for not at all like the person we want to be. At some point, it becomes impossible to think about something else.
This obsession with the same negative thoughts has its scientific name - rumination. We often mistake this painful state for productive introspection, but in reality it only prevents us from seeing ourselves objectively and does not help in any way in solving our problems.
Rumination can affect any area of life, but more often than not, painful reflections haunt us when it seems to us that we do not meet the requirements in the area that we consider most important to ourselves.
Anyone who tries to maintain friendly relations with everyone can think long and painfully about the last conflict with a friend. A woman for whom it is important to be a good mother will fall into rumination if her children are criticized at a parent meeting. A career obsessed person will worry about their low productivity. What do you usually scold yourself for? What qualities, actions, words do you analyze most often?
If every now and then you recall the annoying moments of your life, constantly berate yourself and cannot get rid of negative thoughts for a long time, then it's time to start fighting the harmful ruminator that lives inside you.
Consequences of rumination
You might think that rumination is okay, and sometimes it's even helpful to criticize yourself. But this is not the case. Seeing your flaws and working on them is one thing; self-flagellation and chewing on the same toxic thoughts is quite another.
Psychologist and author of the book "Insight" Tasha Eirich notes that ruminators are less likely to be satisfied with life, build relationships with others worse, more often lose a sense of control over their fate and generally feel less happy than people who are not prone to painful thinking.
Some studies show that rumination also leads to cognitive decline and sleep disturbances.
Obsession with negative thoughts affects mental health as well. People who are prone to rumination experience stress and anxiety, even if there are no negative events happening in their lives. By engaging in self-criticism, we can drag ourselves into a vicious cycle of depression, making it even more difficult to get out of this trap.
Oddly enough, endlessly plunging into yourself and pondering your shortcomings, you do not advance at all in the matter of self-knowledge. When you focus only on flaws, you miss the big picture; begin to distort your perception of your personality; you are deprived of the opportunity to understand who you are, what is your place in the world and how other people see you.
Perhaps, despite all the disadvantages, self-criticism still helps us to work on ourselves? If, after a speech in front of a large audience, you go through your mistakes for a week and remember with what sour faces they looked at you from the audience, will this lead to the fact that next time you will be better prepared? Unlikely. Chances are, you will generally begin to shy away from public speaking that makes you feel uncomfortable. Almost all people who are prone to rumination follow the avoidance strategy.
Plunging into rumination, we do not understand the problem and do not look for a solution, but simply fixate on our failure, forcing ourselves to experience negative emotions over and over again.
5 ways to stop rumination
Anyone can experience rumination at some point in their life. It is very important to learn to notice the moment when you are about to find yourself in this trap, and to stop the inner critic. There are some simple strategies to stop painful thinking in the beginning:
1. Ask yourself the question: "Is this important for other people as well as for me?"
Perhaps for the third day you are tormented by the fact that you gave too personal information to a stranger. Is it worth it to worry if, in fact, he did not attach any importance to this story and after a couple of hours completely forgot about your problems? Or it worries you that you behaved very stiffly during the presentation. But, most likely, not a single person even paid attention to it. Fortunately, no one cares about your mistakes as much as you think.
2. Form your development mindset. Think not about what a failure you are, but about what you can learn.
What are you in the mood for now: a given or a development? According to psychologist Carol Dweck, it depends on whether you become a successful and happy person.
People with a fixed mindset are sure that their personal qualities, abilities, intelligence are something they received at birth and does not change during their life. When they fail, they lose faith in themselves and give up. They tend to engage in fruitless self-criticism: “I did not manage. Apparently, I am not smart and talented enough. "Having stumbled once, in the future they avoid situations that can expose them in a bad light, and thereby deprive themselves of the chances of success.
People with a developmental mindset are less likely to ruminate. They understand that they are capable of changing for the better, so they do not dwell on their mistakes and even see opportunities for self-improvement in negative experiences.
The next time something goes wrong, focus not on the result, but on the learning. Instead of blaming yourself for the failure, just calm down and start solving the problem again.
3. Switch to something else.
Shifting attention helps to stop a continuous chain of negative thoughts. Psychologists recommend doing something that offers quick rewards - cleaning, hanging out with friends, exercising. Of course, you should not constantly run away from difficulties, but sometimes you just need to be distracted in order to return to problems in a calmer state.
By distancing ourselves from our heavy thoughts, we begin to perceive problems as less annoying and more solvable.
4. Tell yourself: "Stop!"
Learn to stop the flow of negative thoughts with a simple phrase: “Stop! It's time to stop thinking about it. Rumination will not give me anything. "
This method is especially useful if you have already made some difficult decision, but continue to be tormented: "Perhaps I am in vain going to part with this person", "If my plan fails, there will be a disaster", "I probably shouldn't have made that call. "...
Of course, before making a decision, you need to think it over properly, weigh all the pros and cons; but when the choice has already been made, endless mental chatter will not benefit you, but only hinder your progress.
5. Check if your assumptions are true.
If you have been bothered by painful thoughts that you are incompetent (irritable, boring, stupid, angry, obsessive, withdrawn, etc.) person for several days, try to seek advice from people who love you, but at the same time know how to be honest ... Let them talk about how they think you are and how they think you can improve. During this test, you will have a chance to look at yourself more objectively.
After receiving feedback, you will see if your thoughts are in line with reality. Most likely, from the outside, everything does not look as bad as you think. You will understand what you really need to pay attention to, what specifically you need to work on, and which worries were completely in vain. Even if you are criticized a little, take it not as another reason for rumination, but as an impulse for learning and development.
Either way, accept yourself with love and compassion. Do not be tormented if you find any shortcomings in yourself, and do not reproach yourself. Better think about how you can adjust your behavior in the future to become who you want to be. Try to sort out the problem calmly, without evaluations and accusations.
