How to respond to rudeness: responses to offensive phrases

[Lord777]

Each of us is faced with rudeness from time to time. Someone watches its manifestation from the outside, while someone constantly has to listen to rude and offensive words addressed to them.
It is not so insulting to forget the necessary thing at home, as it is insulting to hear rude, unfounded words addressed to you. It's not so hard to complete a new assignment as it is hard to work in a scandalous atmosphere where everyone is shouting and rude to each other.
It is known that someone else's aggression is always transformed into auto-aggression, hence the bad mood, decreased self-esteem, efficiency, etc. How can you protect yourself from foreign aggression and respond correctly to rudeness?
To answer this question, you need to understand the reasons for rudeness. There are several of them, and for each of them, you can offer different options for responses. So let's start with the first reason.
Weak psychological constitution of a person
You've probably noticed that almost no one is rude to some people, while others constantly fall under the "distribution"? Many boors have remarkable intuition and observation. They choose their victims according to the principle of strength-weakness: “This one is sharp on the tongue, it's better not to mess with him, but you can have fun with this. Surely he will say something absurd in response."
The latter category includes people with low self-esteem, too cultured and educated, people with an increased sense of guilt who are afraid of accidentally offending another, as well as people who avoid conflicts and conflict situations.
How to react correctly?
Before you enter into fights with offenders, you need to work on your self-esteem, self-confidence and inner strength. After all, it is almost impossible for a strong man to get nasty.

Calm method
When dealing with such offenders, never show that you are confused. Express your point of view honestly, firmly and openly. Don't defend and don't defend! Speak calmly and relaxedly. Hams are cowards, they are not used to frankness and calmness. They need to piss you off in order to feed on your energy. Don't give them such joy.
How to respond to rudeness: responses to offensive phrases
Example:
The conductor on the bus: “What are you giving me 500 rubles? I have no change! I'll drop off now! "
Opponent in a serious but calm tone: "What, excuse me?"
Conductor: "No change!"
Opponent: “I have a long way to go. I would be very grateful if you manage to change the bill "

Method "Psychological Aikido"
It consists in using the enemy's energy against himself. It is necessary to agree with the "criticism" of the enemy (sometimes it needs to be done several times), as a result of which the situation is brought to the point of absurdity or becomes very funny. And do not forget to praise the boor - it will pay off with interest!
Example:
Nervous patient (NP) in the clinic to the second patient (VP): “What, no eyes? Can't you see, it's a turn! Where are you climbing? The smartest or what? "
VP: “I really don't have eyes. How attentive you are. And I, as the smartest one, climbed out of line. "
NP (taken aback): "I stand, like everyone else ..."
VP: “Yes, you stand like everyone else. It's not like I'm climbing out of line. "
Usually two or three evasions from the attack are enough. Ham falls into a state of psychological grog - he is confused and disoriented. If by this time the audience is already “bent over” with laughter, it will be easier for you. Ham retires faster and will no longer take risks.
The peculiarity of the method - it requires a long practice and effort, as it requires breaking your own patterns of behavior.

Method "Humor"
When a person wants to say something bad, he draws air into his lungs. If you make him laugh at this moment, he will relax. Accompany your joke with a smile, you can even compliment your opponent.
Example:
The secretary went to the director during the meeting to bring tea. But she failed. She caught her heel on the carpet and slammed to the floor, knocking over all the cups. Seeing the director's face flushed with anger, the secretary blurted out: "You are so stunning!" Everyone in the audience immediately laughed.

Method "Statement"
Sometimes a simple statement of the fact "You are a boor" is enough for the interlocutor to be silent. But you can approach the situation creatively.
Example:
Buyer: “Give me some vitamins, please ... I forgot what they are called. These are these, ”he points to the window.
Salesman: "Don't you need some memory pills, by any chance?"
Buyer: “What about you? From rudeness? "

Sneezing method
It is suitable as a response to a lengthy, rude monologue.
How to respond to rudeness: responses to offensive phrases
If your opponent blows steam on you for a long time and cannot stop, help him with this. Listen to him with a calm look until the boor is convinced that he is the master of the situation, and you will remain silent. Then sneeze loudly and defiantly. And in the pause that arose, insert the phrase: "Sorry, I'm allergic to nonsense." And with an extremely polite air, ask: "So where did you stop?"
Other effective responses to offensive phrases:
"It's all?" or "So what?"
"I had a better opinion of you"
"Rudeness does not suit anyone, and even more so for you"
"Is it polite to answer or tell the truth?"
"I thought that artistry does not suit you"
"Why are you always trying to look worse than you really are?"
"I have absolutely no time to cherish your complexes."
"I'm sorry, what? You probably made a slip?"
This is another common reason for rudeness and rudeness. Despite the fact that we live in the 21st century, many people prefer communication that is not typical for a civilized person. Such people are accustomed to constantly being rude, and other models of behavior are of little interest to them.
How to react correctly?

Method "Persistent courtesy and angelic patience"
The main rule of communication with such boors is politeness, benevolence and patience. You can't go on a provocation, be charged with the energy of a boor, and become a follower. Do not forget that the rude person expects reciprocal aggression, and not receiving it, falls into a trance. Politeness and a smile unsettle him, make him communicate in a different, unusual scenario for him. Thanks to this, you get the opportunity to control the situation. Sometimes the boor is fixated on the negative, then you can talk to him as politely, but louder than usual. The non-standard situation will also silence the boor.
Example:
Salesman: “Man, why are you digging for so long? Will you take it or not? "
Buyer: "Show me another mug over there, please."
Seller: “You've been standing here for half an hour. I'm not your errand girl! "
The customer is louder than usual: "Please show that mug."

Method "Boredom"
It is suitable for administrators of forums, groups on social networks, etc. It is known that many community members, knowing full well the general rules, deliberately violate them, and then blow up the personal accounts of administrators, expressing sincere disagreement with the fact that they were banned. When the arguments end, rudeness begins.
How to respond to rudeness: responses to offensive phrases
Of course, you can ban the disgruntled person in a personal message, but if you need to defend the truth, try without emotion, describe in detail all the flaws of the offender. At first, the interlocutor will let off steam in the hope of having fun, but when he meets a dry official language, he will get bored and lag behind.
Example:
Participant: “Why was I banned? This is arbitrariness! Then write on the page: "We do what we want, we ban whoever we want!"
Administrator: “You violated paragraph 2 of the rules of such and such. According to the rules of the forum, you have been banned for 2 weeks. "
Participant: “I didn't break anything and my pictures are normal! It's you who find fault there, you don't understand anything about photographs, so don't meddle! "
Administrator: "For insulting the administration, your ban will be extended for another 2 weeks."

Method "Shocking" (for an amateur)
To combat stereotypical rudeness, the method of breaking patterns is well suited, and in simple terms - shock. You can prepare a couple of phrases in advance that are completely irrelevant. And to shock the interlocutor, in response to the question "Will you buy or not?" you can ask: "Can you tell me how the show ended yesterday?"
The above methods are also well suited: "Psychological Aikido", "Humor" and "Statement".
Other effective responses to offensive phrases:
"It's a pity that you can't answer this with originality."
"Something I didn't want to talk to you"
"I don't like the people you are trying to portray."
“Appreciated the depth of your thought. Thanks "
“Appreciated your joke. Thanks "
"Thank you for being so attentive to my personality."
"Not entirely witty, but already something"
"Witty and funny" (then switch to another topic of conversation, get distracted by something or someone, leave the room)
The abuser's fear of you
Most boors are weak people with low self-esteem and pronounced envy. As soon as they understand that you have achieved more in life than they are, fear of competition immediately awakens in them. They mask this fear with an excellent ability to be rude.
How to react correctly?

Method "Caring for a hedgehog"
Imagine a hedgehog throwing thorns out of fear. On the one hand, the hedgehog is angry and prickly, and on the other, small and scared. One has only to take care of it, as it softens, hides the thorns and puffs quite enough, sipping milk from a saucer.
So it is with the offender. Take a condescending, compassionate attitude. Praise him, give him a friendly pat on the shoulder, give in, let him win a game or two, wish him all the most beautiful things in the world. After all, this is not at all difficult to do. Having calmed down, the offender will cease to be afraid of you and, most likely, will understand that, in addition to enemy competition, there is peaceful coexistence and partnership.
How to respond to rudeness: responses to offensive phrases
The methods "Psychological Aikido" and "Calm" also help well. We do not recommend the methods: "Humor", because envious people do not understand jokes well, "Sneezing", because envious people have increased sensitivity, and this can only aggravate aggression.
Other effective responses to offensive phrases:
“It happens that life fails. But you will succeed "
"Of course of course. Come on in. May you be lucky today” (it helps when someone climbs, pushing, out of line)
"Rudeness does not suit anyone, and even more so for you"
“It looks like this is not your role. What do you really need? "
"Thank you for being so attentive to my person."
“Do you want to offend me? What's the point? "
"It's all?"

Ignore Method
And the general method for all causes of rudeness is "Ignoring." After all, sometimes to be silent is good, safe and ... beautiful. If you do not need anything from the offender, you are not psychologically ready to engage in a fight with him, or your offender, it seems to you, is psychologically unhealthy, dangerous to life and health - use the "Ignore" method.
How to react to rudeness: answers to offensive phrases It is not for nothing that folk wisdom says: "The fool shouts, but the clever one is silent", "Of the two arguing, the one who is smarter is wrong." Hams always strive to win your attention, they also need to somehow feed on your energy. Therefore, the usual ignorance for them is one of the most terrible punishments.
It is important to consider: ignoring must be correct. Without an offensive look and sad sighs. The ham should not mistake your ignorance for swallowing resentment, inability to respond, or forgiveness. There shouldn't be any emotions. The abuser is empty space for you. You are a happy, successful person who has no time to notice such nonsense.

 

[Tomcat]

Immunity from rudeness: how to react to rudeness​

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Salute ZChSovtsy, how to deal with rudeness? At a bus stop, in a nearby store, in an office, on an airplane, at a parent meeting and even in a queue for theater tickets - it seems that we are rude everywhere. Rudeness has long become a characteristic feature of our society, as a chronic disease that cannot be cured. We asked experts how to protect ourselves from the effects of this disease.

Step 1: understand
“The first reaction to rudeness can be emotional, but if you abstract yourself, you almost feel sorry for these boors - this is how much negativity you need to carry in yourself,” says Andrey, 25 years old.

To work out the optimal tactics for communicating with a boor, you must first understand the reasons for his behavior. Motives can be different, but they almost always speak of a lack of self-esteem, a desire to assert oneself or prove to others their strength.

“Ham compensates for inner weakness, conquers living space through collisions with others,” explains Nadezhda Kazarinova.

Or it checks the boundaries of what is permitted.

“This is how small children behave towards their parents:“ So is it okay with you? That's how? "At first glance, this is a demonstration of strength, but it comes from self-doubt," says Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

In rudeness, they often "run away" from situations of uncomfortable communication - they shy away from clarifying the relationship, claims from their superiors or awkward moments.

Why should we understand boor, instead of defending ourselves against him? The fact of the matter is that understanding protects us in many ways - and allows us not to take rudeness too much to heart.

“It must be remembered that many cases of rudeness do not relate to you personally. Then, in the first place, why be upset? And secondly, it is easier to respond to an impersonal attack, ”explains Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

Step 2: gain distance
“When faced with rudeness, I always feel confused, I don’t know how to respond to rudeness,” says Valeria, 37 years old. "The understanding of how to behave comes much later."

Most people feel this way. A witty remark comes to us when the boor has already disappeared around the corner. This is a painful blow to self-esteem, but responding to the aggressor should not be an end in itself at all costs.

“The fact is that rudeness does not imply dialogue, for relationships it is destructive. Rudeness indicates a lack of contact, - warns Ekaterina Dubovskaya. "Two people who are trying to resolve the conflict in this way are rolling along parallel paths."

A preventive remedy for someone else's rudeness is the cultivation of self-esteem and, first of all, self-respect.

You shouldn't be afraid of a boor, let alone show him your fear.

Effective tactics are the right distance.

“You shouldn't be afraid of a boor, let alone show him your fear. Remember that its main goal is to engage you in a dialogue based on its rules. Ham feels unpunished because his “victim” cannot immediately violate these rules, ”comments Nadezhda Kazarinova.

“The ability to build a framework that cannot be violated is an important characteristic of an adult,” notes Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

Step 3: change the scenario
Before you "teach" a boor good behavior, think about what you want to achieve with your reaction. Show him how disgusting his behavior is? This will put you in a cycle of rudeness.

It is unlikely that a stranger will say, “Thank you for noticing my tactlessness. I won't be like that anymore. ”

In this case, the main thing is to clearly convey to the boor the idea that he has no right to behave in this way towards you. Of course, without aggression and attacks.

Psychologist Anna Mstislavskaya proposes to consider this situation from the point of view of transactional analysis:

“According to transactional analysis, each of us has 3 states of“ I ”- Parent, Adult, Child. From the perspective of a Parent, we are accustomed to teach others, to show what is good and what is bad. But don't forget that the Parent not only criticizes (Criticizing Parent), he also cares about others (Caring Parent).

The reaction to rudeness from the position of the Criticizing Parent will be: “What do you allow yourself? How can you treat me like this? " This reaction does not lead to further constructive dialogue. A Caring Parent wants to help another, tries to understand his needs. This is a more constructive approach.

From the position of a Caring Parent, we can say: "I see your dissatisfaction with my behavior / my deed, I am very sorry" or use a somewhat manipulative phrase: "How can I help you?"

This is how we show our strength and at the same time do not stoop to rudeness. "

The desire to protect ourselves will provoke us to aggression

When faced with a boor, an adult is more likely to shy away from a direct conflict - he will remain silent or apologize (depending on the situation), without excuses. Being in the Adult state, we are able to understand what motivates a person, why he is so rude to us.

From the childhood state (Child), we are unlikely to be able to resist the boor: the desire to protect ourselves will provoke us to aggression. And this will only lead to an escalation of the conflict.

Therefore, if we want to show another that we should not be rude, it is better to focus on the position of an Adult or Caring Parent. "

NO POWER TO SILENCE?
In the manual “How to protect yourself from rudeness. 7 simple rules "psychologist Vladinata Petrova describes verbal techniques of self-defense in dealing with boors. Here are some of them:

1. All situations when you are attacked are similar: the aggressor arrogates to himself the right to judge us and invade our lives.
Any aggressor, no matter how high a position he occupies, can be put in place by pointing out to him the discrepancy between his real status and the role he has assigned to himself: “On what basis are you asking me these questions?”, “On what basis are you asking me? examining? ";

2. If you were told something clearly unpleasant, but you find it difficult to find words to express what exactly touched you and what exactly you disagree with, ask: "Is this a question?", "Is this a statement?" or “Is this an indication?"

3. What to do if unpleasant communication is delayed and the aggressor does not leave you alone? "In this case, you should ask the rude person a question with a passive verb, for example:" What made you say (do) this? "

This technique is a variation of the method “Put the boss over the aggressor”. With such a question, you show the attacker that he has become a plaything of his own passions that control him;

4. If you want to reprimand someone who has behaved disrespectfully with you, do not reproach the opponent for actions and qualities that cannot be represented with the help of sight or hearing. If you say, “You shouldn't raise your voice at me,” that would be a substantive remark. Or, for example: "I ask you not to talk about me in the third person if I am in the same room."

If you say: “Stop talking boorishly,” you will ascribe to the interlocutor actions that are not visually imaginable, abstract, about the real content of which you can argue. The fact that your abuser is behaving "ugly" or "boorishly" is only your personal opinion.

Relationship is a priority
In general, all our experts agree on one thing: verbal aggression as a response to rudeness is an extreme and not the best way out. And he acts only in situations that are excluded from life. Having put an ill-mannered waitress or a boor in the subway in place, we can feel satisfied for a moment - and we will never see the offender again.

But in a situation of long-term relationships - with colleagues or relatives - such methods are not constructive. You need to understand that a conflict situation always means poor understanding. In this case, you need to step aside for a while in order to understand its causes.

Try to feel what exactly is behind this rudeness

“If it is important for you to establish communication, you should show the person that you understand him by moving from the Child (offended) position to the Adult (sane) one,” advises Anna Mstislavskaya. - Do you want to demonstrate to your partner that it is unacceptable to behave like this with you? But ask yourself a question: do you really want him to change his behavior, or are you just offended that he was rude? If you are overwhelmed with emotions, say that you are offended, and do not "run into" the person in response."

Try to feel what exactly is behind this rudeness, why the person close to you is so rude. Probably, you will reveal the deep reasons for his behavior, which concern not just a single situation, but the relationship as a whole.

And then ask: “You probably know how I could correct the situation so that you do not want to be rude to me. Tell me, what do you expect from me? "Thus, we will take a step towards an open dialogue.