How to recognize emotional manipulation

[Brother]

What is the difference between a communication manipulator and just a good interlocutor? Both pursue their goals, but in the case of the former, your defeat turns into his victory. That is, when you both enjoyed the conversation and each achieved your goals, then we can say that you were dealing with a good interlocutor. The manipulator, on the other hand, will not calm down until he achieves his own solely by causing emotional and psychological harm to you (and sometimes monetary and reputational). This distinction should be understood by every person, because people often confuse these concepts and behaviors.

The manipulator uses the so-called passive-aggressive behavior. Here's what Wikipedia has to say about it:

“Passive-aggressive behavior (or passive aggression) is a demeanor in which manifestations of anger are suppressed. Passive resistance to the opponent's negative remarks is expressed, in which, meanwhile, it turns out to achieve the goals set by the person using this behavior."

As you probably guessed, there can be no trust, respect and truth in dealing with such a person. Here are eight techniques that manipulators use.

The manipulator uses your words to his advantage​

The manipulator has great difficulty accepting responsibility for his behavior, and therefore desperately needs to justify inaction or failure.

For example, you might say, "I was very upset that you didn't help me yesterday, even though we agreed." What will an adequate person answer? He will apologize and offer a solution. The manipulator will answer: “Do you even know how many things have piled on me this weekend? You have no idea how loaded I am! Why don't you think of me at least once? "

An apology from a manipulator would sound even worse: “Well, I'm sorry I worked late. You have no idea how much I work. "

Your answer: if the person did not keep his word or apologized in such a way that he blamed you for everything, you do not need to get away with it. Don't get into an argument, just say that you don't think this apology is real and that it let you down. The manipulator will have something to say about this, but do not react. You already said what you wanted.

He says something and later denies it​

This is very beneficial, because only very strange people use the recorder in conversation. This means that you can deny the words spoken as much as you like. The manipulator will gladly "forget" about the promise or phrase given to him.

All this ends with reproaches that you have a bad memory, you are demanding and just ridiculous.

Your answer: start writing down the promises made by the manipulator on stickers and stick them in prominent places (if you live with this person in the same apartment). This can make the manipulator very angry, which will allow him to complain that you do not trust him, but what is written on paper has a very strong effect on anyone.

He uses guilt to control you.​

One of the most favorite techniques of sophisticated manipulators. They find the emotional Achilles' heel and hit it until you are cornered:

• “You go to the cinema without me. It's OK. I'll stay at home and finish cleaning."
• “I know we cannot buy a new car. But I've never owned a car in my life. I was surrounded by terrible things and people. I don't deserve the best. "

They impose sympathy on you, they say to you "have pity on me, otherwise ...". All this is presented so skillfully that if you do not make concessions, you will feel like a heartless egoist.

Your answer : remember the logic. If a family member wants a car, arguing that he never had one, this is not an argument. You cannot buy a car, not because you are heartless, but because the current financial situation does not allow it. And the point. In such cases, always use logic. The manipulator will not understand your logic and will not want to understand. It is you who need it so as not to feel guilty.

He plays down your difficulties and problems.​

The emotional manipulator doesn't care about your problems. At least until he can use them for his own purposes.

• “Do you think only you were unpleasant to be in a traffic jam today? Yes, I have been driving to work for years and constantly find myself in traffic jams! I lost almost half of my life in them. "
• “I'm sorry your father and mother had such a fight. But at least you have parents ... ”.

In short, he makes you look selfish. And your problems are not like his problems. Each dialogue ends with a discussion of his unbearable life.

Your answer: if this is not your close relative, turn around and leave. Such people, if they change, then with great difficulty.

He uses the emotional back door​

Instead of being direct and honest, the manipulator uses passive-aggressive behavior. For example, he speaks behind your back. Or he says personal things about you with those people who will definitely pass it on to you - and he thinks it over in advance.

But the worst of all manipulators behave when they promise to support, but do not show it in any way. Except for words. Of course, the support is abstract, the manipulator supports you with all his might.

Your answer: just point out to the manipulator how he behaves, call things by their proper names. If he is gossiping, say that he spreads gossip, if he is lying, be straightforward. Hints are not needed here. Of course, you will encounter a defensive reaction, but the manipulator will know that his methods have been seen.

It sucks energy even from the room​

Believe in the aura or not, sometimes you feel like the presence of such people in the room sucks out all the energy. These people want to be the center of attention, demand it and spoil everyone's mood.

Your answer: under no circumstances should you ask, “Are you okay? Something happened?". Don't be manipulated. If possible, leave the room. If not, imagine a barrier in front of you that protects your psyche.

He looks for weak points​

If you are sensitive, defenseless, or overly gullible, it will attract a manipulator. Remember that not everyone will take advantage of your weak points. Some people see this, but they are noble and honest. The manipulator will first of all look for problem areas and put pressure on them.

Your answer: If you are really vulnerable, there can be no quick fix. Read books on psychology, take our courses, get to know yourself and after a while you will rebuff a manipulator of any level.

We wish you good luck!

 

[Tomcat]

Four sources of manipulation​

In us, in our misunderstanding of ourselves, lies the ability to manipulate us.

1 We are driven by our NEEDS.
2 Each of us has some WEAKNESS.
3 Each is characterized by some ADDICTIONS.
4 We are all accustomed to acting according to the rules, observing RITUALS.
All this can be used (and is used!) By manipulators.

Classification of needs
The following classification of human needs, proposed by A. Maslow, is generally recognized.
• Physiological needs (food, water, shelter, rest, health, desire to avoid pain, sex, etc.).
• The need for security, confidence in the future.
• The need to belong to some kind of community (family, company of friends, like-minded people, etc.).
• The need for respect, recognition.
• The need for self-realization.

At the same time, psychologists have established that positive emotions are of tremendous importance for human mental health (and hence physical health).
Meeting each of the above needs brings positive emotions. However, there are things, circumstances that also give us similar emotions, but do not relate to any of the five types of needs. For example, good weather, a beautiful landscape, a funny scene, an interesting book or conversation, favorite activities, etc. Therefore, we consider it possible to supplement A. Maslow's classification with one more, sixth kind: • the need for positive emotions.

• PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS
The following ad copy appears to be familiar to everyone who watches television:
Food is pleasure. Delight in taste. But every time you eat, the acid-base balance is disturbed and there is a danger of caries. Chewing gum "Dirol" with xylitol and carbamide protects your teeth from morning to evening!
The creators of this ad appeal to the physiological pleasure of eating and demonstrate a desire to satisfy listeners' needs for healthy teeth and to protect them from toothache.

• NEED FOR SAFETY
This human need is the basis of one of the most profitable types of business - the insurance business. Professional insurance agents will first intimidate the client in order to then insure him against all possible misfortunes.
Fear is a watchdog that gives voice when danger approaches.
Much more witty than insurance agents, he used the unforgettable fear of Khoja Nasreddin. Someone suspected neighbors of stealing their wallet. None of them pleaded guilty. Khoja gave each of them a stick of the same length and said: "Tomorrow you will all come to me with these sticks, and I will find out which of you is guilty: from the one who stole the money, the stick will lengthen by a quarter overnight."
Night has come. And the thief did not sleep and thought, seized with fear: "Until tomorrow my stick will increase by a quarter, and I will be exposed."
He calmed down only by shortening his stick just as long as it should have grown.

• THE NEED TO BE A COMMUNITY
Defending our opinion, we accept responsibility for its correctness. Succumbing
by all accounts, we disclaim responsibility.
Everyone understands stories from school childhood like this one.
The lesson was disrupted, the whole class fled from it. The incident is being investigated.
Head teacher: "Ivanov, why did you leave the lesson ?!"
Ivanov: "Everyone went, and I went."

• NEED FOR RESPECT, RECOGNITION
Flatterers use this need in the most unpretentious way. "Grandfather" Krylov very accurately described the power of this technique:
How many times have they told the world
That flattery is vile, harmful,
Yes, only not for the future.
And a flatterer will always find a corner in his heart.
In most cases, the object of flattery understands that he is being flattered, but the very fact of praise is pleasant to him, since it indicates dependence on him, a high social status, and a desire to win his favor. Meeting the need for respect and recognition works wonders.

• NEED FOR SELF-REALIZATION
In accordance with A. Maslow's classification, this need is the highest level. Her gratification is also used to covertly control a person.
Self-realization is manifested in achievements. All kinds of documents are a reflection of these achievements: award lists, certificates of professor and associate professor, diplomas of doctor, candidate of sciences, graduate of a university, technical school, certificate of graduation from high school, certificates of commendation, etc.
The importance of these attributes of success is different, as well as the success itself. But we keep everything that testifies to some of our (albeit very old and not God knows what) achievements: letters that have turned yellow from time, badges about sports categories, pennants of competition winners, trophies of sports prowess.
Accordingly, we love to receive all kinds of confirmation of our success. Experienced leaders use this circumstance to manage people.

• NEED FOR POSITIVE EMOTIONS
Their power is immense because a good compliment raises the mood of the “subject”. And the speaker of compliments becomes a welcome, pleasant interlocutor, since he satisfies the need of the “object” for positive emotions.
Women, as being more emotional, do not hide their need for compliments.
Moreover, courtship is impossible without compliments.
However, the experience, confirmed by the opinion of psychologists, shows that men are even more "bite" on compliments. Due to their inexperience, they are much less demanding on the quality of the compliment, they can succumb to banal flattery.