How to learn to read a person: 7 tips from a former FBI agent

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Reading people greatly affects how you interact with them. When you understand how the other person is feeling, you can adapt your behavior to effectively influence them. You will be able to understand when they lie to you or just hide the true motives.

We collected these tips from the pages of Lara Kay's blog. She worked for the FBI for 23 years and now shares her knowledge and experience with people who want to improve their communication skills.

Establish a baseline of behavior​

People are very different in the manifestations of their emotions. Whether it is joy, calmness or discomfort, we all manifest them in a slightly different way. Meanwhile, all profiling tutorials give us a standardized picture.

Someone constantly blinks or scratches their head because they are worried, and who has it just a harmless habit. This is the basic line of behavior: how a person behaves in familiar conditions, as well as his individual characteristics.

It is very important to determine the baseline of a person's behavior before interpreting his behavior. Knowing how he behaves in a calm, relaxed state, you can easily notice the slightest deviations, which will be the key to understanding his thoughts.

Sometimes you do not have enough time to determine the baseline, for example, when meeting (especially when you see a person for the first time, you have no idea what he is like in everyday life). In this case, you need to create the most comfortable environment for a person from the very first seconds, which will help him feel natural. And only then you can move on to complex topics that will destroy this comfort (and therefore the baseline).

Watch for deviations​

Now that you know the baseline, watch for the slightest deviations from it. For example, a person has a habit of spreading his arms wide on the table if he is in a complacent mood. And then, when you started discussing the deadline for the project, he suddenly crosses his fingers, while his foot begins to lightly knock on the floor. His behavior has moved away from the baseline - this is a signal that both his thoughts and inner state have changed. The person clearly felt discomfort.

Perhaps he understands that he will not be in time by the designated deadline, but does not want to refuse you. This is a sign that you need to delve deeper into the topic, find the cause of the discomfort and deal with it. And in exactly the same (similar) way you should act in any other situations.

Pay attention to groups of gestures​

Sometimes a person's nose really itches, and then he rubs it not at all because of excitement or stress. Sometimes the interlocutor changes his posture not because his internal state has changed, but because of a numb leg. One non-verbal or verbal cue never speaks for sure. This can be an accident or an exception to the rule.

Pay attention only to combinations of gestures that say the same thing. If a person fidgets in his chair, while scratching his neck, and his voice rises, this is already a reliable sign of a stressful state. Learn by heart: only a set of signals speaks about a person's condition.

Compare and contrast​

So, you notice that the person acts a little differently than usual. Go ahead and see if he repeats his behavior with other people in your group or under different circumstances. For example, leave him alone for a while, and watch him from the side.

This will help you understand the sincerity of his non-verbal behavior and determine the reason. If he behaves normally with other people, then either he is insincere with you, or it is you or what you say that is the cause of his discomfort.

Look in the "mirror"​

Mirror neurons are special cells in our brain that are responsible for empathy. If the other person smiles, mirror neurons fire, and we smile too. They help us feel and empathize with other people.

When we see someone we like, our eyebrows curl, facial muscles relax, our head tilts forward and blood flows to our lips, filling them. In the opposite situation, respectively, and other reactions of the body.

If your partner does not reciprocate this behavior, then his mirror neurons have not fired - something stronger has suppressed them. This is a signal that says that you (or your actions) did not like your partner and did not cause reciprocal feelings in him. Dislike has blocked mirror neurons.

The other person is your mirror, and if you are not reflected in it, something is wrong. Pay special attention to this.

Be mindful of context​

The context determines everything. Never forget this, otherwise your attempts to read a person are doomed to failure. A person can cross their arms for at least three reasons:

1. He feels insecure.
2. He is cold.
3. He is not well.

But for some reason, popular blogs about psychology only talk about one reason. You must consider all of them and fit them into the context of the particular situation.

This situation can be approached from the other side. Let's say you noticed a certain context of the situation, which implies the appearance of some feelings and their non-verbal signs in the observed. But for some reason they do not arise. This is already a serious discrepancy that also needs a little investigation.

Pay attention to keywords​

In fact, non-verbal cues are not the only way to get into another person's head. According to Lara Kay, verbs carry the greatest meaning and meaning in human speech. They provide the main essence of the expressed thoughts and it is to them that you should pay maximum attention.

For example, your boss says, "I decided to partner with Brand X". The key word here is “decided”. It is it that most concerns the boss himself, his inner state and thoughts. This word indicates several points:

1. Your boss is most likely not impulsive. He did not say, "I will partner with Brand X," which would indicate an instantaneous decision.
2. He weighs several options. The boss made a decision, which means he chose it from some set of other options.
3. The presence of several options suggests that he was thinking about the situation.

Just one key word helps to draw many conclusions about the inner state of a person and his thoughts. The more of these words you analyze, the better you will penetrate the chain of thoughts of the interlocutor.

Summary​

The art of reading a person lies in carefully observing his actions and words, as well as in the correct interpretation of signals. Now you know one of the simplest profiling algorithms:

• establish a baseline of behavior before starting observation;
• watch for deviations from the baseline of behavior;
• evaluate not single signals, but their combinations;
• compare how a person behaves in different situations and with different people;
• watch how your behavior is reflected in the actions of the interlocutor;
• only interpret the behavior in the context of what is happening;
• pay attention to keywords that reflect the person's train of thought.

If you want to get closer to professionalism in reading people, you can improve your skills by taking our profiling course. If the information received is enough for you, do not forget to put it into practice, and your communication with others, even due to this, will become better and more constructive. We wish you every success!

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