How to learn to influence people

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Many people want to learn how to influence people, but few really know how. All manipulative methods are used: guilt, threats, blackmail, resentment, lies, denial and much more. This helps to achieve his short-term goal, but after that the person loses all respect and gains a dubious reputation. To do this correctly and unobtrusively, there are some strategies that need to be followed when communicating with each person, which we will talk about today. But this is only part of the theory, and to learn more about profiling, and hone this skill in practice, come to the "Profiling" program.

What is influence​

According to Wikipedia, influence is a process during which a person's behavior, emotions, feelings and opinions change due to what other people do about him. This also includes manipulation, but we will only touch on this topic in passing. We are interested in the influence that can be exerted on others through a variety of approaches in an honest and fair manner.

It is believed that any form of influence is manipulation, but this is not the case. We have similar influences in almost every interaction with other people: spouse, children, friends, strangers.

To distinguish manipulation from influence, you need to understand that in the first case, you will achieve your goal by harming another person. In the second, you can convincingly change his opinion by presenting logical arguments, or even with the help of sincerity and kindness. Remember only that influence must always be exerted unobtrusively and imperceptibly, otherwise a person will immediately start looking for a catch.

Here are tips to help you influence other people. (Important: It is a common mistake to try to apply the same method for all situations. Combine them.)

Admit mistakes in your thinking​

Humans will intuitively trust humans more than a computerized machine that is incapable of making mistakes. This is mainly due to the emotional connection we build with other people.

Mistakes in thinking are essentially any assumptions you make and premature conclusions that turn out to be wrong. In many cases, these assumptions may only be known to you.

To acknowledge these minor mistakes in thinking, you must show other people three important things:

• that you are not perfect;
• that you are like them;
• that you have emotional human qualities.

This in itself will create deep levels of understanding between you and the other person on an unconscious level.

Admit personal mistakes​

People secretly (and sometimes openly) despise those who do not admit their personal mistakes. You may feel that admitting your mistakes will make you incompetent or unworthy of your status. But nothing could be further from the truth. The mistakes from which the right lessons have been learned are the seeds of evolution and change, without which it is impossible to grow and progress.

When it comes to mistakes, it's all about perspective: how you look at a situation and how you explain the lessons you learned to other people. Other people do not want to be around those who are unable to admit that they were wrong. They have very little respect for such people. And where there is no respect, there is no place for influence.

See the situation from the other person's point of view​

Often we just don't see things from the other person's point of view. Our opinion is, after all, only one side of the coin. We did not experience the emotions and feelings of the other person. Didn't grow where he is. Our thinking and personal experiences are different.

Do you want to learn how to influence others? Then, first of all, look at the situation with his own eyes. This alone will allow him to feel sympathy for you. This means that he will begin to listen to you with great interest.

How often have you said the phrase: "He behaves so illogical, go crazy!"? But is it really true? Maybe you were just not trying to understand him? Even if the logic turns out to be strange, it exists in one way or another.

You don't have to agree with that person's opinion. After all, the world is full of strange and illogical people. However, you must show that you are listening carefully and showing respect. It will also show the person that you share many common beliefs and values that will enable you to develop deep levels of understanding.

Don't make promises you can't keep​

There is nothing that can break the rapport that you already have with another person faster than the simple act of breaking promises. When we promise something to another person, he immediately creates a lot of expectations in his head. The very moment the promise is fulfilled, an invisible bond is created between you. This connection, however, is as strong as your word.

If you do not keep your word, then this connection quickly breaks down. Any expectations of a person will be deceived, and it will take a lot of time and effort to regain trust.

Therefore, remember a simple rule: do not make promises if you are not sure that you can keep it. Don't say that word. This applies even to the smallest promises, such as call back the next day. In the end, you can just forget, getting wrapped up at work. You will automatically lose the power of your influence.

On the other hand, if you promised to call at five o'clock in the evening and kept your word, then what message does the person receive? He is imbued with trust and believes that he can rely on you.

Learn to listen​

Anyone who wants to learn how to influence people should follow the 70/30 rule. This means speaking 30% of the time and listening 70%. You should also develop a habit of asking effective questions that will allow you to delve deeper into the meaning and motives of the words the other person is saying.

Below is a list of typical questions to ask yourself during a conversation to make yourself more aware:

• What is this person trying to tell me?
• How do I feel about this?
• What kind of reaction does he expect from me?
• Why is he telling me this?
• What are his motives?

Becoming an effective listener requires the ability to develop a set of fundamental skills that will open channels of communication and promote deeper understanding. In addition, it also requires a deep awareness of the obstacles, problems and barriers that prevent you from understanding the interlocutor. Let's touch on them in more detail.

1) Content of the message​

The first barrier to effective listening is the content of the message itself. If the interlocutor's message is difficult to understand, unfamiliar or simply not of interest, this will greatly complicate the transfer of meaning to the listener.

The solution is to ask a series of open-ended questions that will help you gain a deeper understanding of the topic under discussion.

2) Psychology of the listener and his interlocutor​

The second barrier to effective listening is hidden in the psychology of both interlocutors. From time to time, the interlocutors can be so different from a psychological point of view that the message will simply be misunderstood, misinterpreted, or even completely lost in the bins of the mind.

The solution is to work on developing deep levels of mutual understanding and looking for common foundations that will allow you to tune in to the psychological wave of the interlocutor.

3) Environment​

The third barrier to effective listening is the environment. The environment can be too noisy, hot, cold, bright, uncomfortable, humid, windy, stuffy, or dirty. Thus, this environment will exhibit a range of distractions that will prevent the message from passing through in its intended form.

The solution is to simply find an environment that has as few sensory distractions as possible. You also need to understand that everything we hear goes through a set of psychological filters that we have cultivated throughout our lives.

There are nine filters in total, and we'll talk about them now. Keep in mind that messages from someone to you do not necessarily go through every filter in chronological order. (By the way, this list will help you improve your speaking skills as well.)

• The first filter: the ear. Here, the interlocutor's message passes through our eardrums, where they begin their long journey of interpretation. We must be able to physically hear all the message that a person conveys to us. However, this rarely happens due to the three barriers we discussed above.
• Second filter: selection. Then the message goes through our filter information selection. He directs our focus and attention when interacting with other people. If, for example, we are momentarily distracted from other sensory stimuli while listening to the words of the interlocutor, then they will naturally be re-interpreted exactly as intended.
• Filter three: cultural and social class. The message then passes through the filter of cultural and social class. It is riddled with preconceptions and prejudices that are a reflection of a life of social conditioning. At this stage, it is important to rethink the interlocutor's message once again in order to perceive his words without bias.
• The fourth filter: personal values. Our values are nothing more than emotional interpretations and labels for our experiences. We value what we consider important and worthy in our lives. Therefore, we will interpret the words of the interlocutor in accordance with our values. If, for example, our main value is to be loved or loved, we will interpret the words of the interlocutor in terms of love. That is, to hear what we want to hear. If we value morality, our filter will analyze words from this point of view.
• Fifth filter: beliefs. This filter is permeated with deep beliefs about the world, ourselves, society and other people. It is tinged with bias, self-restraint, and emotional assumptions. Anything that does not fit into our beliefs, we often automatically reject on an unconscious level. This, therefore, does not allow the interlocutor's message to be interpreted in the correct context.
• Sixth filter: emotions. Every second of our lives we experience certain emotions that naturally affect our state of mind and how we interpret information that comes from the external environment. Therefore, we will perceive the words of the interlocutor based on what we feel here and now. If, for example, we feel joy and satisfaction, then we will interpret the words of the interlocutor positively. When angry or angry, the interpretation will be completely different.
• Filter Seven: Personal Attitude. How you feel about the other person influences the interpretation of his words for the better or worse.
• Eighth filter: personal decisions. If the words of the interlocutor do not correspond to your past choices and decisions, then they will most likely be interpreted negatively. This leads to disagreements and misunderstandings.
• The ninth filter: memory. In the same conversation, we tend to forget information that was conveyed to us a few minutes ago. And all because they did not pay conscious attention to her. This also leads to controversy.

They say that 25% of all messages are incomprehensible to the listener. How to fix it? First of all, study these filters and always think about them. Only when you learn to be aware of them will you be able to think and influence more effectively. Remember that a good listener has more influence than a storyteller. But that doesn't mean you don't need to learn how to tell stories.

Learn to tell stories​

When people hear stories, they can emotionally connect with the hero of the story and with the personality of the narrator. If you master the art of storytelling, you will learn how to influence people in the most subtle way, and at the same time generate a positive reaction.

To tell a good story, follow these rules:

• Think about the moral of the story you want to convey. The audience or the interlocutor always ask themselves: "Why should I listen to all this?"
• Link the story to your own experience. An impersonal story is of little interest to anyone; a person wants to know about the fall, successes, incredible and strange events in which you took part.
• Don't make yourself a hero or boast. Few people will be interested in the story that you own a gold watch worth ten thousand dollars. You will receive nothing but envy and bewilderment.
• Bring the fight to the fore. A good story requires conflict, and that the road to success has been a thorny one.
• Keep your story simple. Remove complex phrases from it and all the husks that interfere with the perception of the story.

And one more thing: practice regularly. It may not work the first time, but if you train and seek feedback, you, as they say, are doomed to success.

Learn to communicate effectively​

The ability to convey the meaning of your message is an art that every sane person should learn. And if you want to influence people, then it's just a duty. Your stories and posts must meet four criteria. They should be:

• interesting;
• entertaining;
• informative;
• modest.

Your personality should be the same, since stories and individuality are one and the same for a harmonious person. And here are some key tips to get people interested and focus on your message from start to finish:

• Use humor. Effective use of humor breaks down tension, relaxes others, and sends the message that you are a light-hearted, funny person. This will allow people to open up to your influence.
• Speak with optimism in your voice. Whether we realize it or not, we are naturally attracted to people who radiate optimistic energy: it is simply pleasant to be with them. It is for this reason that we must focus our verbal language on the positive.
• Be nice. Most people appreciate those who are polite and well-mannered. A common courtesy, like aged wine: affects the interlocutor after a while. You might be surprised, but simple words like “thank you”, “please” and “I appreciate it” work wonders.
• Make people feel confident. People just adore those who make them feel confident and powerful. Keep this in mind: choose your words carefully in dialogue with the person.
• Look for common interests and goals. Without this, the dialogue will be based on the principles of manipulation. That is, you will pursue your goals and interests, completely spitting on others.
• During a conversation, a person constantly scans the interlocutor for how useful and interesting he will be to him. When we find these attractive moments, we automatically attach to it emotionally. Your goal is to show the person that you have common goals and interests. You may not be able to understand this in the beginning, but as the dialogue develops, it will become obvious. Read information not only from words, but also from what has not been said.
• Discuss the other person's problems. There is one surefire piece of advice that works in the overwhelming majority of cases: Discuss the problems the interlocutor is facing. This is at least a great topic of conversation, because all people, without exception, have problems. Problems are triggers and stimulants of deep and intense emotions. These emotions need to be released somehow. And the best way to do this is by talking to someone who empathizes with your situation.
• Ask neutral questions. You probably already know to ask open-ended questions. They encourage the person to continue the story, to share their feelings, thoughts and emotions with you. But they can also seem biased and too personal. There is a great deal of benefit in neutral matters as well. Compare the following two and tell me where is biased and where is neutral: "Do you believe that marriage will lead to a better life?" and "How do you imagine life after marriage?" The difference seems small, but it's actually big. In the first case, you ask a question that is supposed to answer. The second question is neutral, since it makes no assumptions and allows the person to respond in accordance with his true motives and intentions. It depends on the questions whether you can influence the person.

Try to adhere to the recommendations described in this article, and the level of your influence on people will noticeably increase. We also recommend taking our course "The best communication techniques", with the help of which you will learn how to better interact with people in just 2 months. You will learn and be able to apply 72 effective communication techniques in your life, which we have collected from dozens of books and trainings.

We wish you the best of luck and are looking forward to our course!