How to become an interesting and pleasant conversationalist

Lord777

Professional
Messages
2,579
Reaction score
1,511
Points
113
The famous psychologist Viktor Sheinov developed new modern methods of persuasion, a number of new means of influencing the opinion of others, systematized and presented in an accessible form the most effective methods and methods of influence.
Fragment of the book by VP Sheinov. The power of influence: the impacts are explicit and hidden. - SPb .: Peter, 2018.
The famous psychologist Viktor Sheinov developed new modern methods of persuasion, a number of new means of influencing the opinion of others, systematized and presented in an accessible form the most effective methods and methods of influence.

Be concise
“Where words are few, there they have weight,” Shakespeare said. It takes a strong-willed effort to listen. However, it is much easier to console yourself with the words "I won't hear anything interesting." We strive to draw such a conclusion quickly, since it relieves us of the volitional efforts necessary for listening. The speaker should remember this and, firstly, try to interest the interlocutor with his very first words, and secondly, be brief.
Mark Twain once liked a missionary preacher so much that he decided to donate a dollar to him. The sermon had already lasted an hour, and the writer decided to limit himself to half a dollar. After another half hour, he decided that he would not give anything. When the priest finally finished two hours later, Mark Twain took a dollar off the begging plate to make up for the loss of time.
The ancient Spartans were enemies of verbosity. Once, in times of famine, a messenger from another city begged for a sack of grain for a long time. The Spartan refused him: "We forgot the beginning of your speech, and therefore did not understand its end." The second messenger showed the empty bag and said:
“You see: it is empty; please put something in it. "The Spartan complied with the request, adding:“ Next time, speak short. We see that the bag is empty. You don't have to mention filling it up ”.
Research by scientists at the Institute of Cybernetics in Paderborn (Germany) has shown that half of adults do not grasp the meaning of the phrases they hear if they contain more than 13 words. At the same time, seven-year-old children have difficulty understanding phrases made up of more than eight words. Therefore, one cannot but agree with the words of Anatole France: "Only that which is not difficult to understand is beautiful."

Hidden compliments
Show interest in the person. Any manifestation of interest in the interlocutor is a hidden compliment: everyone is pleased to know that he is interesting. It is important, however, that this interest be sincere. Feigned interest is easily exposed.
To keep your interest sincere, find what you are really interested in in this person: something from his biography, work, family, events that he witnessed. And then your interest will be genuine.
Start with what interests the other person. Each of us is happy to talk about ourselves, about our affairs. Use this, start a conversation about what is interesting to the interlocutor, about him, about his problems. Look at the question you are interested in through the eyes of the interlocutor and present the question in such a way that it meets some of his interests.
Say the name of the other person more often. Everyone likes the sound of his name. When we want to convince someone, we involuntarily and quite often say his name.
The name should not be pronounced with a tongue twister, but with feeling and at the same pace as the conversation is going on.
An experiment was carried out: at a production meeting, where before "they were tearing their throats," blaming each other, everyone was obliged to refer to opponents by name and patronymic. Comparison with other meetings showed that the controversial issues were better resolved and much faster. After all, often we need not so much to insist on our own as to see that those around us listen to us and we mean something to them.

Four tricks to remember a name. Very often we instantly forget the name (patronymic) we just heard when meeting. To prevent this from happening, it is recommended:
  • as soon as they heard it, repeat it aloud, for example: “Very nice, Ivan Vasilievich”;
  • associate with the names and patronymics of people you know or historical figures. Such an association helps, even when you have to take the name of one character, and the middle name - of another (they can be of different genders);
  • say the name and patronymic several times to yourself, if it is not possible out loud;
  • make yourself an installation for remembering the name and patronymic: imagine that you happen to contact this person after a few months.
Don't interrupt the other person. Many of us are guilty of this shortcoming. Men interrupt more often than women. Leaders interrupt more often - and not only in communication with subordinates, but also in everyday life. Interrupting, we seem to say: “Listen better than me, my thoughts are more valuable than yours. And everything that you want to say, I already know. "

Non-speech means
Be a good listener. It is estimated that, on average, 9% of the working time we write, 16% we read,
30% - we speak ourselves, 45% - we listen (or just pretend that we are listening).
When polling on the topic "What is a good conversationalist?" the overwhelming majority put listening skills first.
And this is no coincidence. Many of us are bad listeners. Often we just pretend that we are listening, waiting for the moment to express ourselves. And poor listening is a manifestation of disrespect for the speaker.
Plutarch also said: “God gave you two ears and one mouth. Why don't you use them in this order? "
The answer is simple: listening is much more difficult than speaking. Speaking speed is 4 times less than thinking speed. Therefore, 3/4 of the brain's capabilities are not involved in listening and are looking for applications. And they usually find it in extraneous thoughts.
Eastwood Atwater (Atwater, 1984) gives the following amusing case:
The young woman decided to check whether people really listen to each other extremely badly. During the cocktail party, she said to her companion in a secular tone: "By the way, when I left home, I shot my husband." "Oh, how lucky you are, dear!" - came the answer.
Comments are superfluous.
When two men or two women talk, they interrupt each other equally often. When a man and a woman talk, the man interrupts the interlocutor almost 2 times more often. As a result, about a third of a woman's conversation time is spent trying to restore the direction of the conversation.
Women pay more attention to the very process of communication, while men are mainly interested in the result. A man usually listens attentively only for the first 20-30 seconds, after which he begins to listen in half.
Thus, in general, men lose to women as listeners. In each specific case, much depends on the character, temperament, upbringing and education of the participants in the conversation.

Effective listening techniques
The most important is the so-called active listening. The trick is that the listener tries to predict what the speaker will say in the next phrase. This is how the reserve powers of the brain are loaded for the benefit of conversation. External manifestation is the words prompted to the interlocutor when he is looking for the right one. An accurate cue is encouraging to the speaker because it indicates the listener's interest, attention, and full understanding. (However, this should not be overused. Someone who pauses frequently to find the most accurate words may be offended by the frequent prompts.)
The second technique is to ask clarifying questions. They enliven listening, and the very process of their formulation is an additional burden on our thinking, tying us to listening.
The third technique is an active listening posture: the body is slightly tilted towards the speaker. A listening person involuntarily takes such a pose. This position not only makes listening easier, but also demonstrates interest, which is important in communication to create a supportive background.

While listening, nod
It is noticed that the narrator to several listeners looks more at the one who slightly nods to him. This is quite understandable, because it is from him that he receives support: I understand you, I agree with you.
Use this trick. Nod from time to time as you listen. Since nodding means understanding, nod when it's natural to say “understand” or “agree.” This is a very powerful way to win over the interlocutor. After all, a slight nod is usually done unconsciously, and not out of a desire to please the speaker. But it is the manifestations of the unconscious that speak of the true attitude towards the interlocutor, which is why they are so valuable.

Smile
Do not just smile, but at the interlocutor. Smiling works wonders. We've all heard about people who have made a career for themselves thanks to a beautiful smile.
The secret of a smile is as follows: actions are more expressive than words, and they believe more in actions. A smile is an action that means “I am good to you. I like you, I feel good with you, I am glad to see you. "A friendly disposition usually gives rise to a reciprocal disposition.
In many countries, employees are required to smile at the visitor - this makes it easier to resolve issues. Often in foreign offices there are signs addressed to customers: "Smile!"
Representatives of some professions are specially taught to smile: TV announcers, actors, politicians, diplomats.
The outstanding teacher AS Makarenko wrote that by constant exercises in front of a mirror, he developed about a hundred different smiles, appropriate in different situations. His example is science to others! This science is seriously dealt with in business schools. In particular, special mirror cards have been created with the image of a wide smile, which students, looking at their reflection, try to reproduce.
It has been established through observations that gloomy faces age faster. Gloomy people also have a gloomy mood, which does not cause favor from others.

Visual contact
This is an extremely important part of communication. The listener is interested in looking at the speaker. Plus, the listening process is facilitated.
The optimal gaze duration is no more than 10 seconds. A longer look can be perceived as challenging or confusing. The latter concerns people who are insecure or shy (and there are about 40% of them).
A meeting with gazes usually lasts a few seconds - this is quite enough for mutual understanding.
An exception is the discussion of unpleasant questions: here refraining from eye contact is a manifestation of politeness and a demonstration of understanding of the emotional state of the interlocutor. On the contrary, persistent gaze is perceived as an interference with a person's experience.
Women are more prone to eye contact than men. Apparently, this is due to their increased attention to detail - to what men consider to be trifles. Male rationalism in this case is a hindrance to more meaningful communication.
It is noticed that they look more at those whom they admire or with whom they have established a trusting relationship. Often, a man's hostile or indifferent attitude can be recognized by the fact that, when he greets, he does not look at the interlocutor.
By the views, you can judge at what stage the conversation is. When the speaker then looks into the eyes of the interlocutor, then looks away, this means that his thought is not finished yet. When he interrupted his speech and looked directly into the eyes of the listener, it means that he has finished, now it is the turn of the interlocutor.
When speaking, especially in front of a small audience, the speaker should try to look at each listener, thereby addressing the speech to each of them. The audience's perception of the speaker benefits greatly from this. On the contrary, if the speaker looks over the heads of the audience or stares at one point, then the audience qualifies this as indifference or disrespect for them.

Poses and gestures
They play an important role in creating the atmosphere. Leaning towards the speaker is perceived as a more attentive listener. On the contrary, a certain inconvenience arises when the listener leans back or sits sprawled.
A relaxed posture is preferable to a constrained one, since the corresponding state is transmitted to the partner.

Touches
A friendly touch is a powerful inviting tool, but only for loved ones. Touching an unfamiliar person who is not disposed to intimacy can cause a negative reaction. This is explained by the fact that touch means an invasion of a person's personal space, so use this tool with caution. Teenagers are especially annoyed by adult touch. After all, they have a heightened desire for independence, so they try to avoid "calf tenderness" as a symbol of childhood.
For adults, the touch of a loved one is desirable - they acquire a special value for the elderly, who, thanks to this manifestation of disposition, feel their need and significance, to some extent lost with retirement.
By touching the child, we show him our love, and this is the most important value for him. It is especially important to gently touch the baby after he has received punishment from us.
It has been established that stroking the head plays a special role among the touching of the child as well: it turned out (it contributes to the development of his brain).
Experiments with baby monkeys have shown the need for touch for their normal development. In the absence of mothers, one group of monkeys was left with a teddy bear, to which they could cuddle like a mother. These kids grew up quite healthy. And those cubs who did not even have such an opportunity grew up mentally handicapped.

Touch rules
You should not touch the interlocutor if he is in a bad mood or an unpleasant question for him is being discussed.
People are especially sensitive to arrogant and familiar movements, such as patting on the shoulder or cheek. Adults usually perceive this as extreme tactlessness.
By fixing the positive emotions of the interlocutor with your touch and repeating the touch to the same place at the end of the conversation, you can fix the partner's disposition to yourself after the end of the conversation. (This technique is described in more detail in the chapter on neurolinguistic programming, which deals with anchoring.)

Mutual arrangement in space
It was found that, other things being equal, conflicts often arise between people who are opposite each other. (It is no coincidence that the word "confrontation" means conflict.) Therefore, for conversation, it is better to sit next to or at an angle to each other.
People who work together or know each other well prefer to position themselves this way. This is conducive to reaching agreement. At the same time, the location shoulder to shoulder is friendly and should not be imposed by a person unfamiliar or having a lower status.
Depending on gender, the preferences are as follows: women more often prefer to talk from the side, men - opposite each other. The exception for women is cases of rivalry.

Interpersonal distance
The more interested and inclined to reach an agreement sit closer to the interlocutor, others - farther away. However, being too close (up to 0.5 m) is perceived as intimate; distance from 0.5 to 1.2 m - for a friendly conversation; social distance (1.2-3.7 m) - for business relationships; public distance (more than 3.7 m) - to exchange a few words or not contact at all.
Usually, a person is intuitively located at an appropriate distance. However, some adjustments in view of the above will allow more efficient use of this resource. After all, you need to think not only about your convenience, but also about the convenience of your partner, about giving the conversation the right tone.
Women are more comfortable with a rather close position of their interlocutors. Elderly people and children also prefer to stay closer than middle-aged people, young people, adolescents.
Interlocutors of equal status are comfortable with a closer proximity compared to the situation when talking to a person of higher status.
By how the interlocutor is located (close or far, at what angle), you can make a preliminary judgment about his attitude to the partner.

Pauses
Pauses in speech are necessary: they allow you to reflect on what you heard and give everyone the opportunity to decide who is better to speak. A pause in speech emphasizes the importance of the expressed thought. The main thing is that their duration does not exceed 5-6 seconds.

Appearance
No wonder they say that they are greeted by their clothes. The first impression usually affects the subsequent perception, and it is the appearance that is the first information that people receive about each other when they meet.

Punctuality
"Accuracy is the politeness of kings" - this aphorism perfectly reveals the role of punctuality. There is nothing worse than being late for a meeting. Even Shakespeare said: "It is better to come 2 hours earlier than be at least 2 minutes late." The fairness of this is easy to understand when it comes to being late for the train. But the relationship between people is no less important than the loss from a missed trip.
The only way to be on time is to plan to arrive a little earlier. Then, in case of unforeseen circumstances, there is a margin of time. Moreover, the rules of ethics prescribe to arrive for a meeting in neutral territory 5 minutes before the appointed time. In case of an appointment with a high-ranking manager, it is recommended to appear at his reception 10 minutes before the specified time.
 
Top