Do you always have to be honest with everyone?

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Do you always have to be honest with everyone? Perhaps you asked yourself this question and even tried to never lie. But telling the truth always, probably, is beyond the power of anyone. After all, as psychologists say, the phrase “I didn't lie, I didn't finish speaking” is also a lie. We decided to help you calm your conscience and find out from psychologists in what cases a lie cannot be avoided and how to regain trust when you were declassified?

Do you always have to be honest?
First of all, it is worth answering the main question - is it really always necessary to be honest with everyone? The psychologists we interviewed came to a common opinion - it is never possible to lie. Moreover, this does not need to be done. Perhaps many will not like such conclusions, because in our society it is customary to condemn lies, and no one wants to deal with a “liar”. Let's then figure out what is good and what is bad.

“Do you always have to be honest? No! Not always and not with everyone! I want to start by saying that honesty is an attribute of a very strong and fearless person. As you know, people were persecuted for the truth, suffered and often died. Therefore, sometimes telling the truth means certain death. And you need to be a super warrior of the Spirit to be ready to die for the truth. There are not so many such strong and honest people. The average person is not willing to suffer too much for their beliefs and cannot be blamed for it. One has to resort to lying when there is a threat to safety, comfort or achievement of a goal, ”says psychologist-psychotherapist Andrey Smirnov.

According to psychologist Mila Kudryakova, the truth must be told when you are asked to do so. Before telling the truth, especially when you know that it can be unpleasant, ask permission, make sure that the person is ready to hear you and has agreed to do so. This form of communication preserves the boundaries - yours and that of the other person. Do not suddenly dump a tub of truth on another. Even if the person has given you consent to express his or her opinion, you still need to speak the truth as carefully as possible, not forgetting about the form of presentation.

“Try to tell everyone the truth for at least a day and you will lose friends, job, family, status, reputation, perhaps even freedom. We all have an army of skeletons in the closet, and deliberately hiding some important information is also a form of lying. From this point of view, we lie hundreds of times every second, not speaking, for example, about our attitude towards this or that person. Tell the whole truth about yourself on the first date, and there won't be a second. If the child has learned to lie, parents, rejoice, he will go far. The ability to lie is the key to a successful person and his or her survival in society, ”comments Ilya Anishchenko, founder of the School of Profiling, an expert on lies and gestures.

People lie for various reasons, says Elena Efimenko, a practicing psychologist, gestalt therapist, and YouDo service provider. Some lie "for the good", trying to protect a loved one from something bad or unpleasant. Others lie out of self-interest, for their own benefit. Each person has their own excuses why they use lies in their lives.

What can a lie lead to?
Lying can have not only bad outcomes, be it exposure and punishment, but also lead to success, power, salvation, wealth.

As Ilya Anishchenko says, a lie is a tool for achieving a set goal, which distinguishes us from animals. It was fantasy and lies that made a man out of a monkey, not labor. This is a very complex thought process that develops the brain. It makes you think, predict, remember, analyze information, choose the right way out of the situation. But there is another side of the coin here. You can lie so much that you lose the line between fiction and reality.

“The most unpleasant thing that lies lead to is situations when a person begins to get confused in his own testimony and lie to himself. In any lie, there are two levels: personal and interpersonal. On the interpersonal level, lying is dangerous in that it undermines the most important thing in a relationship - security. The realization that we will be told the truth, whatever it may be, gives us a safe space in which we can trust another, ”says Mila Kudryakova

Andrey Smirnov gives a prosaic example of a situation where a lie can be useful: lying to an employer about his age, both in the direction of decreasing and increasing, can play a positive role in the decision to conduct a face-to-face interview ... In this case, such a little trick helps to get around the flaws of the formalist approach of personnel officers.

How do you regain trust when you've been declassified?
During lies, we are most afraid that we will be declassified. When this happens, we feel guilty, ashamed. What to do when the worst has already happened and the lie has failed?

Ilya Anishchenko advises you to admit your mistake and not continue to lie further. This gives a chance that the person whom we deceived will forgive us. The thing is that the equality of all people is embedded in our psyche. A lie is a deliberate desire to gain the advantage of one person over another. And who loves when we are manipulated and when promises are not kept?

“You need to calm down your emotions: take a break and come up with a plan to justify. The best way to restore trust is to have an open conversation, discuss your mistakes and others' mistakes. Of course, the degree of antipathy towards you can be very high if you really left the zone of trust, but it's worth trying. It is important to promise that this will not happen again, and that you will monitor your emotions. When explaining, you should not overplay, start crying or make pretentious oaths, ”comments Elena Efimenko.

According to Mila Kudryakova, it is very difficult to regain trust in a situation when you are caught lying. This is the work of both parties, and the person who lied should be prepared for the fact that for some time he will lose his trust. The deceiver will have to accept the feelings of the deceived and help deal with them. At the same time, it is appropriate to treat mistrust and recheck, be ready for discussion and open to dialogue. The main thing is to learn to take responsibility for your words and be very attentive to any promises. If you are not sure about something, do not promise. Another important condition for the return of trust is attentiveness to those situations in which a lie happened. For example, if a wife catches her husband flirting on social networks, then the couple can sit down and write a list of actions that will calm down the deceived partner and negotiate a deadline, during which these actions will be performed. So, the husband can agree that during a month the wife can once a week without warning ask him to show her dialogues in messengers. And if the wife does not find any crime there, then she will have the opportunity to regain her safety and trust in her husband.

It also happens that it is not possible to completely restore trust. In this case, Andrei Smirnov advises to reconcile, take into account the past experience and look for a new environment.

Should you lie to an employer?
This topic is actually very popular. This is due to new forms of interviews that come into our working life, with the development and distribution of services for finding work and employees. This topic is also relevant for those who are not looking for work. Many people also have to lie about the reasons for being late, absent from work, and dismissal.

“First you need to remember that lies always surface and almost always work against the one who lied. If you lie to the employer "at the entrance", then be prepared for the fact that at some point you may begin to not cope with the volume of work, as a result of which you may experience stress that will affect you. Otherwise, you will be declassified, and at best, you will be fired, and at worst, you will lose your reputation. At the same time, if you are a specialist in a narrow field or in a small market, then such a development of events may be extremely undesirable for you, "says Mila Kudryakova

Who should lie and who shouldn't?
Ilya Anischenko asserts to everyone except himself. Self-deception is a favorite state of our psyche. We do not want to admit to ourselves our mistakes, shortcomings and miscalculations. We are afraid to accept them and start working on ourselves.

“Ideally, it is better not to lie to anyone, but taking into account the realities of life, you should always think about the consequences of a lie, and make decisions based on this. For example, your mom doesn't need to be told that you were sent to serve in a hot spot. Except for my mother's frayed nerves, this will lead nowhere. You don't have to tell your wife that you dropped by for a cup of coffee at an old girlfriend's. Apart from the hassle, there will be nothing at home, although there was nothing with the girlfriend, ”says Andrei Smirnov.

Under what circumstances is a lie inevitable?
Lying becomes inevitable when the punishment or benefit is great. Ilya Anischenko and Andrey Smirnov agree that a lie to save the day is inevitable. Most often for the emotional comfort of our parents and loved ones. When a doctor or psychologist sees that a patient has a poor prognosis, he tries not to talk about it directly. Such a truth can finish off a person. On the contrary, it is more useful to instill confidence that everything will work out and sometimes such a suggestion really helps to get out of extremely difficult and ambiguous situations.

But whatever the reason, a lie will always remain a lie. Before lying, Elena Efimenko suggests asking the question: "Is there really no other way out?" Cheating can hurt the person you are talking to or yourself. It often happens that you lie once and be tempted to lie again and again, there is a certain dependence here. The worst lie is betrayal. People to whom they constantly lie become callous in soul, lose faith in a person and hope for help from their neighbor.