Carder Anger

[CarderPlanet]

Where it is suppressed for a long time, access to the energy of desires is lost (I don’t know what I want), there over time experiences “I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I am” appear there, all sorts of sores appear there, if it is suppressed for a long time and very carefully. There appear uncontrollable outbursts of anything - total guilt (read - anger directed at oneself), depression can form there, an inner critic appears there, who settles in the head like a fat troll and depreciates every step, questions his own goodness, and in order not to collapse from all this, there are projections into the outside world - all people become shit, the weather too, and in general a lot of things immediately become shit and injustice.

Where anger is suppressed, there arise constant resentment, from which you can endlessly cry into your pillow at night, or walk with an often sore throat.

Anger - it can be different.

It happens as a protection of the valuable.

And it happens as a symptom that I somehow do not take responsibility for my life, believing that others should do what I think is fair and right, that others should already understand what I mean, even when I don't say it directly.

But in any case, anger is a regulator of one's own boundaries.

Where anger is suppressed, there is no clarity in the experience of one's own boundaries. Throws it in violation of strangers, then in excessive bending of its own.

Anger is often called a "negative feeling," and it is often believed that being angry is bad, stupid, pointless, wrong, unrighteous.

And it seems to me that the whole point is that expressing anger is a whole skill that is taught in few places. Often, anger is considered dangerous - dangerous for relationships, dangerous for evaluating others (what will people think of me? I want to be "good" in the eyes of others) ... but in general there is a whole locomotive of all can drag on for it.

Anger is the teeth of a person.

They can chew on what's useful.

You can protect yourself with them.

You can express yourself with them.

The question is not whether to be angry or suppress your anger.

The question is HOW to express your anger.

When I worked with children, for many of them it was a whole discovery that you can express your anger with the words "I am angry now", "When you take a toy from me or destroy my buildings, ruin my drawings, I am angry, it is unpleasant for me, please, do not do this, otherwise I will distance myself from you / I will swear with you / I will not trust you. "

Before that, the only way to protect himself and express anger was to take away the toy, ruin the drawing in response, hit, call, throw a tantrum, and once, the boy endured, endured, and then took a knife and rushed at his offender.

Parents, who also had never been taught to express their anger, grabbed their hearts, felt ashamed, shouted at their children, forced them to stop it = suppress their anger. After all, what will people think?

Few people taught us to recognize our anger: “You are now angry because Vanya took your toy away. You have the right to get angry and say about it: “I am angry and I don't want you to take the toy, return it. ”“ You don't need to beat Vanya, it hurts. But you can take care of yourself by identifying yourself and warnings about what you will do if Vanya does not hear you and will continue. "

Or “You're angry now, because you want to keep playing, but it's time to end the game. I notice you in your anger. But you don't need to beat me for that, it hurts and I will not allow myself to be beaten. You can talk about your anger and worry I see that you don't want to end the game. But these are the rules, there's nothing you can do about it. We have to leave, no matter how hard it is. "

Anger is a way to understand yourself. A way to feel your importance, yourself.

Anger is always a marker of something important. And, as a rule, it is a wrapper for deeper feelings and experiences. But, not realizing anger, we seem to throw out the boxes with this wrapper called "anger", not knowing what is inside these boxes. And there are often jewels called "my values".

Giving ourselves the opportunity to feel anger by living it, we remove these wrappers, exploring what is wrapped in them.

Living in anger is not the same as hitting in the face, insulting, destroying everything around you.

Living in anger means staying in touch with that feeling, giving it as much space as needed.

Take care of your own safety and the environment.

Insulting a person and labeling yourself “I'm angry when you do this” or “I'm angry with you now and I'm ready to continue the conversation when I calm down” are completely different things.

For in the first case (in insults) excitement is overwhelmed, on which actions are performed that can be regretted "sober up" from anger.

In the second case, there is a clear designation of oneself and the allocation of space to oneself for the ripening of anger into some other quality.

For example, in realizing the value of not allowing yourself to be insulted.

Or in the experience of regret that it is very sad that everything did not happen the way you wanted.

Or experiencing the value of a relationship with this person.

Or in the realization that, in fact, under this anger lives your own fear or vulnerability.

Anger is a faithful dog that is always on guard for the safety and values of its owner. It is only important to tame, make friends with this dog.

P.S. And yes, by the way, where anger is suppressed, there is fertile ground for dependent relationships.

 

[Brother]

"Anger is a short-term insanity": the Stoics knew how to curb it​

We get angry a lot. Perhaps so often that not a single day goes by without a light or strong fit of anger. It is all the more important to know how to deal with this destructive emotion, which, contrary to some claims about its motivating power, does not benefit us in any way. Massimo Piliucci, American professor of philosophy at the City College of New York and author of books on Stoic philosophy, recalls Seneca, shares his thoughts on dealing with anger and even offers his own guide to the modern Stoic.

People get angry for a variety of reasons, from trivial (someone cut me off on the highway) to really serious (people keep dying in Syria and no one is doing anything). But most of the time, anger comes from commonplace reasons. This is why the American Psychological Association has a section on anger management. Interestingly, it is very similar to one of the oldest treatises on this topic - "On Anger" , written by the stoic philosopher Lucius Anneus Seneca in the first century AD.
Seneca believed that anger is a short-term insanity, and that even when it is justified, we should not act on its basis, because although

"... other vices affect our decisions, anger affects our sanity: light fits of anger grow imperceptibly, but the human mind plunges into anger ... Its intensity is in no way constrained by its origin: it rises to the highest heights from the most trivial beginnings. "

The ideal modern environment for anger management is the Internet. If you have a Twitter or Facebook account, or write, read or comment on blogs, you know what I mean. Heck, Twitter anger has been raised to a new level (or reduced, depending on your perspective) by the current President of the United States, Donald Trump.

I also write quite a lot on online forums. This is part of my job as an educator and also, it seems to me, my duty as a member of society. The conversations I have with people from all over the world are usually cordial and mutually instructive, but sometimes they stop being so. For example, one well-known author, with whom we recently disagreed on a technical issue, immediately stated that I was talking complete nonsense. Ouch! How can you not be offended by such words, especially if you receive them in your address not from an anonymous troll, but from a famous guy with more than 200k subscribers? And here's how - you need to follow the advice of Epictetus, another Stoic philosopher of the second century, a freedman who became a teacher. Epictetus instructed his disciples in this way:

“Remember that we are the ones who suffer, we are the ones who create difficulties for themselves because of our own judgments. For example, what does it mean to be insulted? Stand by the stone and insult it - will you achieve anything? If someone responds to an insult like an imperturbable stone, what will the offender gain from his backbiting? "

Right. Of course, it takes time and practice to learn to ignore insults like a stone, but I seem to be able to hone this skill. So what did I do in response to the aforementioned rant? I behaved like a stone. I just ignored the offensive words and focused on writing answers to other people, tried to involve them in a constructive conversation. As a result, I was told, the famous writer became terribly angry, while I remained calm.
Some people say that anger is the correct response to certain situations, for example, in response to injustice, and that - in moderation - anger can be the driving force behind certain actions. But Seneca would answer that talking about moderate anger is like talking about flying pigs - there is simply no such thing in the Universe. In terms of motivation, the stoic approach is that we get closer to taking an action through positive emotions - resentment about injustice or the desire to make the world a better place. Anger is simply not needed and, in fact, it only gets in the way.

The philosopher Martha Nussbaum, in her essay for Aeon, showed the futility of anger using the example of Nelson Mandela. When the apartheid government in South Africa sent Mandela to prison for 27 years, he was very, very angry. And there were good reasons for that - after all, an outrageous injustice was committed both against him personally and against his people as a whole. However, at some point, Mandela realized that it was pointless to get angry and think of his political opponents as inhuman monsters. He realized that it was necessary to overcome destructive emotions and turn to the other side, build trust, if not friendship. So Mandela became friends with his guards and, in the end, his game was crowned with success: he witnessed one of those peaceful transitions to a better society, which, unfortunately, are very rare in history.

Interestingly, the turning point in Mandela's change of view occurred when one of his comrades distributed a smuggled copy of Meditations, a book by Marcus Aurelius, also a Stoic philosopher, to the prisoners. It said that if people do the wrong thing, you need to "teach them - and show it without anger." And Mandela was able to effectively follow the advice of Marcus Aurelius.

And here's my modern Stoic guide, an anger management guide inspired by Seneca's advice:
1. Do proactive meditation: Think about which situations are causing your anger, and decide in advance how to deal with them.
2. Notice and become aware of anger as soon as you feel its symptoms. Don't wait or it will get out of hand.
3. If possible, communicate with calm people, avoid irritable or angry personalities. Remember, moods are contagious.
4. Play a musical instrument or purposefully engage in any activity that relaxes you - in this state, anger will not manifest.
5. Find an environment of pleasant, non-annoying colors and tones. Controlling our external circumstances, in fact, greatly influences our mood.
6. Do not enter into discussions if you are tired - in this state you will be prone to irritation, which can easily turn into anger.
7. Do not start a discussion if you are thirsty or hungry - for the same reason as indicated in the previous paragraph.
8. Use self-critical humor - our main weapon against the unpredictability of the universe and the predictable viciousness of some of our brethren.
9. Practice cognitive distancing - what Seneca calls “delaying” your response - for example, going for a walk or even going to the toilet can help you to reduce your stress.
10. Change your body to change your thoughts - deliberately slow down, lower your tone of voice, as if imposing the behavior of a calm person on your body.

Above all, be indulgent towards others - this is the way to a better life. Seneca's advice on anger has stood the test of time, and we should all heed it.