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Honestly admitting your own emotions is a serious problem for most people, especially when it comes to painful or humiliating events in the past. French ethologist and psychiatrist Boris Tsirulnik in his book On Shame. Die, But Not Say ”, which was recently published by the RIPOL Classic publishing house, talks about why the feeling of shame arises and how to cope with it. Theory and Practice publishes an excerpt from a book on emotional distancing from traumatic experiences.
Avoidance is a strategy that minimizes the emotional impact of the fact of violence. This defensive strategy provides an opportunity to cope - that is, to withstand the test; it creates the appearance of mental strength: "This is all nonsense ... I've seen how others deal with it!" We love to watch the wounded smile: we believe that they remained unharmed, while such a defense often turns out to be a time bomb, a prehistory of a psychological catastrophe that will erupt later. If people avoid thinking about it, it is only because they do not feel strong enough to calmly talk about it out loud. The idea of oneself as “dirty”, subjected to the aggression of another, is a sign of weakness, shame, forcing the wounded to move away from society and preventing him from taking a place among others. It closes in.
This avoidance strategy does not exclude the appearance of one magical thought that allows you to experience some moments of happiness. We adore those who have experienced trauma and still retain the ability to dreamily smile, write poetry and explain to everyone that the visible world is controlled by the occult forces they have just discovered. They have every right to react in this way, because in the end, in their case, it is a legitimate protection! However, escape into the imaginary is a harbinger of disaster, since a person separates himself from reality, instead of simply giving himself up to a brief moment of pleasure experienced in a dream.
Singer Cornelle survived the Rwandan genocide in a situation similar to that faced by Jewish children during World War II. His family died before his eyes, he himself had to flee to Zaire (present-day Congo) and hide in Kigali for three months, until he was adopted by a family from Germany: “I was saved. I have escaped a hell that cannot be described in words. "Having survived - unlike his loved ones - he felt ashamed at the mere thought of pity directed at himself, and then, slowly deciding to get rid of unbearable thoughts, he began to think only about music. This defense mechanism was not enough, although it encapsulates the pain that would overwhelm us if we let our emotions rule our inner mental world; Nevertheless, such a strategy sometimes allows you to literally snatch moments of happiness and look like a strong, smiling person. But such protection still does not allow us to avoid reality: loss, exile, survival "by half", when we cannot fully share our story with someone and are able to reveal to others only a part of our mental world, trying to strangle another - painful - part of it ... Speaking about this natural protection, we cannot talk about stability, since there is an obvious process of personality amputation: “In fact, I died, I was outside my own life, outside of myself,” says the singer. when we cannot fully share our story with someone and are able to reveal to others only a part of our mental world, trying to strangle another - painful - part of it. Speaking about this natural protection, we cannot talk about stability, since there is an obvious process of personality amputation: “In fact, I died, I was outside my own life, outside of myself, ”Says the singer. when we cannot fully share our story with someone and are able to reveal to others only a part of our mental world, trying to strangle another - painful - part of it. Speaking about this natural protection, we cannot talk about stability, since there is an obvious process of personality amputation: “In fact, I died, I was outside my own life, outside of myself,” says the singer.
"One day we are faced with the need to give up avoidance, and then we state that our life has taken a strange path."
Avoidance often becomes a lengthy process, and this is a necessary condition, since adherence to it allows us to suffer less, but we cannot live our whole life "in half" of the person. One day we are faced with the need to give up avoidance, and then we state that our life has taken a strange path. A time bomb is a frequent version of this path, which implies a conscious avoidance of any work of consciousness: "We need to go forward ... there is nothing to chew on all this." On the day when the avoidance mechanism is triggered, but nothing is yet ready for this - neither in the patient's soul, nor in his environment - melancholy becomes even more painful. If we did not suffer from the death of our loved ones, we are ashamed that we did not suffer: “The fact that they died did not make any impression on me. I am a monster.
© Dutch Invertuals
Avoidance does not extend to the memory of the tragedy, but only to the affect associated with that memory. Prostitutes often do not suffer from the thought of the wickedness of their craft. And they are right. We suffer less when torment causes psychic agony: “I no longer have a soul, no body, nothing that would be me. I am just nothing that continues to last ... All of this is reminiscent of the effect of the effects of cocaine, a kind of oblivion. "Only after becoming a member of the Supreme Council of Geneva, Nicole risked at last to boldly face her past. She was able to elude those who humiliated her, but this only happened when she was able to find the strength to become an activist for Aspazia, an association that helps street women: “It may have taken me all this time to take a fresh look at prostitution, understand what it really is - a factor of economic and social, and therefore political, reality ”. Singer Corneille said the same: "... Be strong enough and live, asking for help, to look at your rather vile past, as it really was - to be able to live in the present and strive for the future." But when the deputy tried to protect the girls who came from the East, her colleagues were surprised why she plunged into the world from which she tried to escape. As if everyone who surrounded her thought: "I would have remained silent in her place." This woman overcame shame, turning it into pride, but the opinion of society was different: it would be better if she preferred to hide her past, to stop talking about it so impartial! "Remember what happened to her, means to try to sew the torn rags of the torn self.
"When we control nothing and nobody - neither ourselves, nor others - we cannot protect ourselves from new attacks of violence"
Children know how to use this method of protection. When the flight attendant Nicole died before one of the UTA flights to N'Djamena, her husband put all his emotional energy into communicating with his son Benjamin, eight years old, to better protect him and defend himself: “We talked a lot with him ... He tells me his thoughts, what he thinks, what he would like. About the school, about your comrades. He never talks about mom. He cannot talk about it. "This silence is a testament to the existence of a super-memory that has captured a story locked inside, a story that cannot be told out loud.
Others become complicit in the avoidance process, making it possible for the survivor to understand that such things are not being talked about. It is then that silence becomes the new creator of the "I", the dumb tyrant, forcing us to secretly suffer, preventing us from starting work on restructuring ourselves. The frenzy of understanding is a tool for gaining stability, it tries to break through written text, words and stories, through explanations. While the silence that freezes connections increases the intensity of the story that is not spoken out loud: "I constantly think about the break in the pattern that happened in my head, but I must be silent, because no one is able to understand me. "Such a rejection of the ability to feel (and speak) leads to post-traumatic chewing of the same situation and generates shame: “I am just a woman ... we untouchable must obey men ... throughout the history of our people, we have always been oppressed ...” Obedience prevents a repetition of aggression. When we are in control of nothing and no one - neither ourselves nor others - we cannot protect ourselves from new attacks of violence. This is how the strange fatalism that accompanies the revictimization process can be explained.
Avoidance is a strategy that minimizes the emotional impact of the fact of violence. This defensive strategy provides an opportunity to cope - that is, to withstand the test; it creates the appearance of mental strength: "This is all nonsense ... I've seen how others deal with it!" We love to watch the wounded smile: we believe that they remained unharmed, while such a defense often turns out to be a time bomb, a prehistory of a psychological catastrophe that will erupt later. If people avoid thinking about it, it is only because they do not feel strong enough to calmly talk about it out loud. The idea of oneself as “dirty”, subjected to the aggression of another, is a sign of weakness, shame, forcing the wounded to move away from society and preventing him from taking a place among others. It closes in.
This avoidance strategy does not exclude the appearance of one magical thought that allows you to experience some moments of happiness. We adore those who have experienced trauma and still retain the ability to dreamily smile, write poetry and explain to everyone that the visible world is controlled by the occult forces they have just discovered. They have every right to react in this way, because in the end, in their case, it is a legitimate protection! However, escape into the imaginary is a harbinger of disaster, since a person separates himself from reality, instead of simply giving himself up to a brief moment of pleasure experienced in a dream.
Singer Cornelle survived the Rwandan genocide in a situation similar to that faced by Jewish children during World War II. His family died before his eyes, he himself had to flee to Zaire (present-day Congo) and hide in Kigali for three months, until he was adopted by a family from Germany: “I was saved. I have escaped a hell that cannot be described in words. "Having survived - unlike his loved ones - he felt ashamed at the mere thought of pity directed at himself, and then, slowly deciding to get rid of unbearable thoughts, he began to think only about music. This defense mechanism was not enough, although it encapsulates the pain that would overwhelm us if we let our emotions rule our inner mental world; Nevertheless, such a strategy sometimes allows you to literally snatch moments of happiness and look like a strong, smiling person. But such protection still does not allow us to avoid reality: loss, exile, survival "by half", when we cannot fully share our story with someone and are able to reveal to others only a part of our mental world, trying to strangle another - painful - part of it ... Speaking about this natural protection, we cannot talk about stability, since there is an obvious process of personality amputation: “In fact, I died, I was outside my own life, outside of myself,” says the singer. when we cannot fully share our story with someone and are able to reveal to others only a part of our mental world, trying to strangle another - painful - part of it. Speaking about this natural protection, we cannot talk about stability, since there is an obvious process of personality amputation: “In fact, I died, I was outside my own life, outside of myself, ”Says the singer. when we cannot fully share our story with someone and are able to reveal to others only a part of our mental world, trying to strangle another - painful - part of it. Speaking about this natural protection, we cannot talk about stability, since there is an obvious process of personality amputation: “In fact, I died, I was outside my own life, outside of myself,” says the singer.
"One day we are faced with the need to give up avoidance, and then we state that our life has taken a strange path."
Avoidance often becomes a lengthy process, and this is a necessary condition, since adherence to it allows us to suffer less, but we cannot live our whole life "in half" of the person. One day we are faced with the need to give up avoidance, and then we state that our life has taken a strange path. A time bomb is a frequent version of this path, which implies a conscious avoidance of any work of consciousness: "We need to go forward ... there is nothing to chew on all this." On the day when the avoidance mechanism is triggered, but nothing is yet ready for this - neither in the patient's soul, nor in his environment - melancholy becomes even more painful. If we did not suffer from the death of our loved ones, we are ashamed that we did not suffer: “The fact that they died did not make any impression on me. I am a monster.
© Dutch Invertuals
Avoidance does not extend to the memory of the tragedy, but only to the affect associated with that memory. Prostitutes often do not suffer from the thought of the wickedness of their craft. And they are right. We suffer less when torment causes psychic agony: “I no longer have a soul, no body, nothing that would be me. I am just nothing that continues to last ... All of this is reminiscent of the effect of the effects of cocaine, a kind of oblivion. "Only after becoming a member of the Supreme Council of Geneva, Nicole risked at last to boldly face her past. She was able to elude those who humiliated her, but this only happened when she was able to find the strength to become an activist for Aspazia, an association that helps street women: “It may have taken me all this time to take a fresh look at prostitution, understand what it really is - a factor of economic and social, and therefore political, reality ”. Singer Corneille said the same: "... Be strong enough and live, asking for help, to look at your rather vile past, as it really was - to be able to live in the present and strive for the future." But when the deputy tried to protect the girls who came from the East, her colleagues were surprised why she plunged into the world from which she tried to escape. As if everyone who surrounded her thought: "I would have remained silent in her place." This woman overcame shame, turning it into pride, but the opinion of society was different: it would be better if she preferred to hide her past, to stop talking about it so impartial! "Remember what happened to her, means to try to sew the torn rags of the torn self.
"When we control nothing and nobody - neither ourselves, nor others - we cannot protect ourselves from new attacks of violence"
Children know how to use this method of protection. When the flight attendant Nicole died before one of the UTA flights to N'Djamena, her husband put all his emotional energy into communicating with his son Benjamin, eight years old, to better protect him and defend himself: “We talked a lot with him ... He tells me his thoughts, what he thinks, what he would like. About the school, about your comrades. He never talks about mom. He cannot talk about it. "This silence is a testament to the existence of a super-memory that has captured a story locked inside, a story that cannot be told out loud.
Others become complicit in the avoidance process, making it possible for the survivor to understand that such things are not being talked about. It is then that silence becomes the new creator of the "I", the dumb tyrant, forcing us to secretly suffer, preventing us from starting work on restructuring ourselves. The frenzy of understanding is a tool for gaining stability, it tries to break through written text, words and stories, through explanations. While the silence that freezes connections increases the intensity of the story that is not spoken out loud: "I constantly think about the break in the pattern that happened in my head, but I must be silent, because no one is able to understand me. "Such a rejection of the ability to feel (and speak) leads to post-traumatic chewing of the same situation and generates shame: “I am just a woman ... we untouchable must obey men ... throughout the history of our people, we have always been oppressed ...” Obedience prevents a repetition of aggression. When we are in control of nothing and no one - neither ourselves nor others - we cannot protect ourselves from new attacks of violence. This is how the strange fatalism that accompanies the revictimization process can be explained.
