A life that was not meant for me

[Teacher]

Everything that happens to us is the result of our choice. Not the powers of heaven, but our own choice and the boundaries of this choice determine our destiny. In small things and in large things, we choose based on what is in our picture of the world and what we can choose from all of this.
“Once the king of beasts issued a decree that every animal must come to him at the appointed time in order to become a dinner for the lion. The wolf walks all on a piece of paper - who will come on what day of the week. I got to the hare: “Hare, your day is Friday! Understood? "" Understood! Is it possible not to come? "" Can. So, cross out the hare ... "

Is it okay too?
We do not notice many of the opportunities offered by the world, because they simply do not exist for us. For some there is, but for us - no. Therefore, other people's success stories have an educational and healing effect - they show that “this is also possible”. Someone allows themselves to live a life that I don't even have in my picture of the world. Thus, people expand our understanding of the possible, and we can at least look in the other direction, outside our corridor.

Well, okay, we dreamed and that's enough.
Most dreams remain where they should be - in fantasies and dreams, because someone, of course, can do that, but definitely not me. This kind of life is not for me.
A child who dreams of an expensive bike knows that he will never get it - there is no such money in his family. “Dreaming is not harmful,” Mom will say, wiping her hands on her apron. At least dream about it! You can dream, you cannot have.
A kid who often has a sore throat knows that no matter how tasty and desirable ice cream is, he cannot. Everyone can, but he can't.
Unspecified, but clear boundaries of “what is possible for me” determine the boundaries of choice in actions, in actions - where a person lets himself.

And how can I ...?
Can you ask to turn off the air conditioner if it blows, rearrange the chair, choose the best place? You can refuse if you don't like it, or you need to eat, what do they give? Can you express your opinion or do you need to obey the authorities unquestioningly?
Is it possible to want and have something that my parents do not have and never had? Is it possible to do what no one in our family has done before?
It would seem, of course, - to grow, develop and get everything you want for the joy of yourself and your family. Oh no!
The family's covenants and the accepted, customary way of life have not been canceled.
A young couple with a large plot of land plants potatoes every year. They dig, strain, most of the harvest is lost, but they cannot deny themselves this annual program, because "the land should not be empty." They cannot plant everything with lawn grass - “this is not accepted by people”. Someone, of course, can, but not them. This kind of life is not for them.
And there are no longer living parents - those who could scold, force, convince to plant these potatoes. And it is not necessary. Mom and Dad - they are not near, but in the head.
We all came out of our family. From generation to generation, our family, like a river paved its course, it determined its banks and the direction of movement - what to strive for and what to want, how many children and when to give birth, what education to get, what wealth to have, what is accepted and what is not ... How people belonging to our family and our family live.

Every cricket know your six.
The boundaries of what is permissible for each family are different. Someone can lead the army, and someone, becoming a gene. director of a large company, feels out of place. "The shirt is not sewn for me .."; “There are better candidates for this place”; "Something I swung strongly, as if not to tear the navel." “The biggest thing I should have dreamed about is a rented apartment in Chelyabinsk, and an inexpensive foreign car on credit, and I just swung it!”

Didn't live richly and have nothing to start.
And a person feels unworthy of such a life, as if this is not his life. He has no right to be here, not by rank, not by status, not by birthright. Not where he comes from, and there was no “such” in their family. Therefore, he builds his life as if he were just a guest at this celebration of life - he unconsciously tries not to linger in periods of well-being for a long time, as if there is a norm of happiness and wealth, measured personally to him, and it is absolutely impossible to cross it.

Know your place. Do not stick your head out, This is not for us ...
For several generations, members of many Russian families have survived thanks to the ability to be content with little and "keep your head down." This survival strategy was adequate to the country's policy. The entire system was geared towards rooting out dissent and keeping the people in line. To show initiative and vigorous activity was not something that was not accepted, but deadly. At any moment, a person could be outside the law - a "traitor" and "enemy of the people." Every family has a memory of difficult, traumatic events that family members have experienced, and of what happens to those who dare even think differently. And even if these events were never spoken aloud, the memory of them, as a testament to the future, is stored in the unconscious of the family system. Each member of the family "
Be faithful to your family's covenants. Staying faithful to your family is unconsciously or consciously making the same choices as grandmother and mother, grandfather and father.
... ”Choose a kind, flexible guy as your husband. Be the head of the family and pull your husband and children yourself, as I did. "
... ”Find a person to give birth to children from him, but to live with him was impossible. And stay yourself with two children proud and self-sufficient, like all women in our family. "
… ”Find yourself a woman as a punishment to suffer as I do. And don't try to be happy with her! "
… "Choose a disease for yourself, the same as I chose, then you will prove that you are really my daughter."
… ”Serve people. Sacrifice all of yourself. And then, perhaps, you will reach our greatness with my father. Maybe then we will be able to accept you as a worthy continuation of our kind. "
Daring to go beyond the family's picture of the world is like going out into outer space.
Fly out of the home universe, where no one has stepped before you. Become a pioneer. And expand thereby opportunities for your entire family. From that moment on, they will also be “allowed”.
But courage does not pass without a trace - you have to pay for the right to live a different life.

The payment for happiness.
In a country where 8 million people died of hunger and 26 million did not return from the war, it is not customary to show your happiness.
Each family history has its own traces of these huge tragedies. Most of those who survived were in deep debt to those who died or died of hunger. And this debt can be paid only with your life. Giving myself bit by bit, like doing one operation after another, like my own grandmother did.
Often joy, happiness, tenderness, affection for ordinary things, and maybe well-being and prosperity are prohibited in the family.
The roots of this prohibition lie in family history. And in every family they are different.
The one who violates this prohibition voluntarily, but unconsciously, can pay not only for happiness, but even for thoughts about it.
In some families, it is customary to pay with your own body.
“Every year, since my 20s, I could not go through a single holiday in order not to get sick. When the children were born, as soon as we invited guests, one of the children fell seriously ill. After a while, we stopped inviting guests to the house. Any anniversary, guests or pleasant event, for example, a long-awaited trip abroad - I get sick, so much so that with the operation. You have to postpone everything - to have an operation, come to your senses and try to go again. Recently, my daughter gathered with her children at sea, for the first time to a beautiful, expensive place - so the day before her trip at night I had to call an ambulance - a heart attack. "(The story of a 60-year-old woman.)
Someone chooses an easier path: they pay with money and their own emotional resources.
"You first weed the beds, plant pink bushes, and only then get ready for the ball."
Often, the more successful relative takes on an unspoken obligation to pull or support his entire family. And the family takes this state of affairs for granted.
And then it may happen that a young woman will pull for a long time not working older brother and mother, or support a drinking sister, or fully provide all the whims of her parents living at her expense. As if she was trying to pay off her family for her right to live a better life.
Being connected with someone, and primarily with your family, is one of the meta-needs of a person. A sense of belonging to a family forces us to remain committed to the choices that the family has made before us. So we often do not let ourselves into another life out of solidarity with our mother or father, grandmother or grandfather.

Keep on the wave.
It's not only the feeling of guilt in front of our family that pulls us back, but also the fear.
Since we do not have the skill to live like this, work like this, rest like this, build our life like that. at any moment the environment can be less supportive and paralyzes the awareness: "God, I can't swim!"
And the body begins to sink in panic. Metaphorically - in matters that were successfully resolved yesterday; physically - to get sick, somatize, fall asleep, hide, forget about meetings, step back, cower in a ball and say: "Leave me, I will die here .."

And even drown in reality.
I will tell you a recent case about a woman who first went to the sea without her husband and unexpectedly discovered that she was very afraid of drowning. Previously, her husband was always there, and theoretically she could call him for help if she suddenly stopped reaching with her feet to the bottom. And he would have saved her, wherever he was at that moment and in whatever direction he looked.
The environment was no longer supportive, familiar, and conditionally safe - and fear completely blocked the brain.
It took at least a week for all sorts of tricks - somehow swimming in the deep pool of the hotel with a huge inflatable ring and constant nervous control of the feet of the seabed. Until one day she was "released" and she remembered that she can swim perfectly. I just remembered. She always swam on all sea trips, and she did it well. And from that moment she began to swim on her own, reminding herself that she is able to lean on herself and not drown.
All boundaries are in the head. The world is open to all possibilities. if you want - go, take it, do it!
We build our own corridors and write scripts.
It is in our power to push the boundaries and go where we never dreamed of before.

 

[Brother]

How to reset and spring clean your life?​

Throw out the trash from your life that prevents you from moving forward!

You can't put water in a glass full. This is one of the fundamental principles of any change. It is impossible to radically change life and rewrite history on your sheet, if you act on the basis of the unanimated baggage of experience.

Your puzzle of life will always come together in the same picture, if you use the same elements, how many times do not mix them at the start.

It is necessary to begin the conscious creation of oneself and one's new experience with zeroing.

Not with a search for goals, not with a declaration of a vision of oneself in 5 years, not with questions of mission and purpose. This whole process will be confused about old ideas, which, moreover, take a lot of energy.
You need to start by throwing out all the trash from your life: on the physical, energetic and mental levels.

The uncontrolled accumulation of the past leads to two things:

Endless replay of your past. Life becomes like déjà vu.
Slowing down the speed of life. This is when you look at those who do three times more and do not understand how they do it. Success in life and realization in all areas is possible only at fast speed.

Stop living like you have 500 years left
~ Bill Gates

By the way, sometimes a person sincerely tries to accelerate his rhythm with early rises, sports, rigid self-discipline, but nothing happens. Energy leaps from heady rises to sharp falls, when there is nothing but devastation inside. The reasons may be different, here you have to look at the situation and ask impartial questions to yourself - "why is this happening?"

We all have “cars” designed for full-fledged movement, the question is in the driver and his approach to the whole process. It is not enough to reap only the gas, just as it is not enough just to choose the direction, if you are firmly attached to something or there is no gasoline.

General cleaning of life for those who prefer speed and completely new horizons:

It makes sense to clean up life in all three dimensions: past, present and, don't be surprised, future. Yes, in your future, too, rubbish is already piled in the form of ideas about it, forgive me for being so direct, but it also needs to be cleared.

I suggest starting with the present. It is the most substantive, here and now. Complete cleansing of the current moment from trash will already give you noticeable strength and fresh energy, and you still need it.

The principle is to throw out everything that is possible and even a little more. The bottom line is to put an end to every open question: either complete the case, or cancel, if its need is no longer so important.

The main thing is to remove all hanging questions from the to-do list.
I want to note that here it is not suggested to immediately polish your real life like a Cinderella (although, this is useful!) - first you need to put things in order and close the "hangings", even by zeroing them. You need to remove tasks from the waiting list or start them in the process if they hang there for more than a few weeks. This will give a tremendous influx of new energy.

And now in more detail. What will those who really intend to collect a new picture of their experience do in the next weekend:

1. Throwing out the trash

We get rid of all the trash. For starters, from your home. We throw it out, distribute it, take it to the shelter. But not according to the principle, I will put it in a box, somehow I will bring it to the church. And we are taking it straight away. We do not leave anything on the waiting list.

What is trash?

That's all you don't use. Let's do it, everything that you have not used during the year (this is very loyal) must be removed-distributed-sold-thrown away:

Clothes you don't wear.

Most of the souvenirs, except for those that really create coziness in the interior (in fact, this is the smallest part of what you have).

Unsuitable or outdated dishes, appliances.

Etc.

The more you "dig up", the better it is for you. Understand that every thing, literally every one, is a particle of your energy, look at them soberly and take into your new experience only what you need there and will delight you. Approach all things with the question - "Do I want to leave this energy or let a new one come in its place?"

You can't pour water into a full glass

You empty your glass yourself. How much you pour out, so much will pour in. If you are greedy, do not be surprised that big changes will simply have nowhere to enter.

It is difficult for me to advise here in detail, since I have no such problem at all. Due to frequent travel and change of place of residence, I literally learned to weed out the unnecessary and part with seemingly beloved, but in fact stupid souvenirs. But seeing the apartments of some of my friends who have been living in one place for years or even decades is just a museum of trash from the past. What changes can we talk about?
In general, general cleaning of the house is a game called: "How ready I am to let new experiences into my life."

As much as you throw away, you are ready.

By the way, this applies to all your spaces, including a workplace in an office, a summer residence, a car, a private jet and whatever else you have. Surprise your colleagues - really clean your desk, start the real uncovering process.

2. We throw out the files

Throwing out the trash is a flower, it's time to throw out the files. How much time do you spend on the computer and on the net? This is also your space, although virtual, it is also a part of your energy.
We are used to storing everything on a computer. Why throw it out? The hard drive is enough for everything.

Here the principle is the same: purification is the release of energy. Leave only what you like and dear. Why keep a movie you don't like? Why keep some old goofy files? It's all a piece of you. We carry it with us, realizing that the more cargo, the slower the speed, or will we make room for a new one?
Debriefing requires not only your personal, but also your work computer, as well as virtual accounts: social networks, blogs, websites.

3. Putting things in order, giving things their place, organizing files

It is not enough to throw out the trash, it is necessary to put things in order in what is.

I have never been on the side of strict purity, even cultivated a creative disorder for a long time, hiding behind my penchant for art.

Now, I will say this - a harmonious order (not fanatical, but systematized - when a thing has its place) is a guarantee of a good and effective functioning of affairs, especially if the time has come to accelerate. You will not be able to switch your life to a new speed, with complete chaos on your desktop and in your apartment.

4. Filtering incoming information

Tidying up and tidying up also requires the flow of your incoming information. In general, it is food for the mind and the work of your mind depends on its quality. There is no other way to put it.

Information intoxication, have you heard? This is a common ailment that many people are infected with now. They read everything online, endlessly repost quotes from great people, completely atrophying the ability to hear the voice of their soul.

Information has the ability to accumulate, it does not go anywhere from our subconscious, so it must be carefully filtered. Letting in only what is valuable and immediately launching it into implementation - then it teaches and develops us, otherwise it clutters up the channels, creating a powerful informational noise. This leads to making mistakes on the Path due to the inability to hear the voice of your soul.

Therefore, today, I recommend doing the following:

Clean up your friend feed.

Remove those friends whose reading does not resonate or inspire you
Clean up your walls.

It is necessary to remove or hide those people whose news annoys. Especially those who post negative from world events.

Decide on the set of blogs and websites that you intend to read.

My main principle of how to personally determine the value of a resource for myself is a response in my soul. When you read something and feel the return inside, this is a quite distinguishable feeling of awareness and a desire for action.

And in no case should it be a tape according to the principle "I was added - I will add and will read." No, this should be a selection of only those resources that fill and delight you personally. It also needs to be regularly cleaned and replenished with new resources.

I have a rss-feed for reading, which includes sites, blogs and LJ, those people I want to follow, as well as a list of "read" on Twitter. There is a separate mailing folder in the mail where letters come from those to whom I am subscribed. And I read them! If any author ceases to satisfy me, I unsubscribe. But I never get emails just like that. And I don't read social media feeds, with rare exceptions. All canals are subject to general cleaning on a regular basis.

5. We finish unfinished business or reset them

It is important to complete all cases from the "pending" list: either transfer them to the "in progress" status and actually do and do, or reset them to zero. It is better to decide for yourself that at this stage the case is closed and I no longer do it, than to “carry” this burden with me. You should feel from the inside that all your business is done, the current processes are in the schedule, there are no pending questions left. This is the "first gear" in order to approach the question: "What do I want from this life?" and move towards conscious change.

In conclusion, I want to summarize. The process of general cleaning of your present consists of two key points - getting rid of trash at all levels, as well as ordering things, including the incoming information flow.

Set up your channels so that only high-quality useful information comes to you in moderation and you will see how your world will change. What difference does it make how all your friends and acquaintances are doing? You can meet them in person when there is time, but using their "news" on a daily basis is practically a guarantee that there will be no drastic changes. Unless, all your friends live the life you dream about.

It is possible to create yourself anew if you understand that the old experience does not advise you in this.

Now for the cleaning!