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Is it fair to say that at 20 you don't have to think about the future? Psychologist Mag Jay believes that this is a mistake that spoils the life of "Peter Pan's generation."
When you are twenty, it seems that there is still a lot of time ahead and life is full of opportunities. But how many people, succumbing to this attitude, were able to successfully realize themselves and not waste time on meaningless searches for a place to live?
Mag Jay, an American psychologist and professor of clinical psychology at the University of Virginia, is convinced that the age of 20 to 30 is crucial for our future. She talks about this in her book “Important Years. Why you shouldn't put off your life until later ”, published by the publishing house“ Mann, Ivanov and Ferber ”.
Over the past few decades, a new generation of young people has emerged in Western culture, whose age is difficult to determine from photographs on social networks.
They dress and behave like teenagers, do not have a "serious" job and regular relationships, live in rented apartments with a few friends, or are still in no hurry to break away from their parent's nest. In America, in the mid-2000s, these "no longer children, but still not adults" began to be called tweaksters (abbreviated from the English betwixt - "neither this nor that", "neither fish nor meat"). A similar social phenomenon became widespread in Japan at the turn of the 1980s and 1990s, when the term “parasite single” (“lone parasites”) was coined to denote young people who are financially dependent on their parents. In Italy they are called "bamboccioni" ("big boys"), in Germany - nesthocker (literally - "nesting chicks").
Meanwhile, the age of tweaksters ranges from 20 to 30 years and all of them are united by a global problem - not knowing what to do with their lives right now. Popular culture and popular media are shaping the idea that this age is a natural continuation of adolescence, with such indispensable attributes as lack of commitment, sexual freedom and the ability to find oneself, spending time traveling and at parties and working wherever you have to.
Indeed, in comparison with their parents, modern young people began to study longer, later to acquire families and their own homes. Only now, as Mag Jay's practice shows, this does not make them happier, and this seemingly invigorating slogan "30 is the new 20" turns out to be nothing more than another marketing bubble.
In fact, the period from 20 to 30 years is the time of maximum concentration of our forces and skills, the time when certain of our decisions determine the course of our entire future life.
“Eighty percent of the fateful events occur in a person's life before the age of thirty-five. Two-thirds of the growth in income comes from the first ten years of a career. By the age of thirty, more than half of people get married, start dating or live with future life partners. A person's personality changes most actively from twenty to thirty years, and not before or after that age. By the age of thirty, the human brain completes its development. A woman's reproductive function peaks by the age of twenty-eight. "
In The Critical Years, Jay introduces the stories of his clients who find themselves in complete confusion during their transition to adulthood. No matter how different the characters and their problems may be, the connecting motive of these stories is the false belief that everything in their life can still change, but only in the indefinite future, when they become truly adults. In the meantime, you can be content with low-paid work, relationships with no special prospects, bathe in your own powerlessness due to eternal “unpreparedness”, economic crisis, weak will or lack of suitable opportunities.
The psychologist cites many quotes from his heroes that describe their state of anxiety and fears: “My twenty years simply paralyze me. Nobody told me it was going to be so difficult "or" I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean. As if I can swim in any direction, but the land is nowhere to be seen, and I do not know where to swim. "Over the course of a decade, hundreds of clients have come to Mag Jay, completely disenchanted with the idea of a carefree youth that can be burned out for pleasure without much consequence. The most serious was the mental suffering of 30-40 -year-old people, clutching their heads when realizing the wasted years.
So what should twenty-year-olds remember so as not to end up in ten years on the threshold of a psychologist's office with the words “I don't know how to continue to live”?
INVEST IN YOURSELF
Instead of complaining about the lack of a clear understanding of their purpose in the world, Jay advises to engage in the accumulation of so-called "identity capital". The term, coined by sociologist James Cote, means "the totality of personal assets and the stock of individual resources that we accumulate over time." In general, identity capital should be understood as everything that a person consists of - his outlook, education, books read, work experience, as well as appearance, behavior and manner of speaking. Everything that we "invest" in ourselves will determine our position in society, career development and building relationships.
Naturally, at some point every young person experiences an identity crisis, but he should not be allowed to prevail over his personality. These two processes (the search for oneself and the accumulation of individual resources) must take place in parallel and be balanced.
“Young people in their twenties, who not only take the time to explore the world, but also have the courage to take on certain commitments, create a stronger identity. They have higher self-esteem; they achieve their goals much more persistently and perceive the world around them more realistically. "
NOT ALL JOB IS GOOD
Low-paid work "for the first time" in reality has a much more destructive effect on the individual than many might imagine.
“Research shows that if a person is employed in a job that does not match their qualifications for just nine months, they may have higher levels of depression and lower levels of motivation than their peers - even those with no work at all. "
Most likely, if, after graduation, your resume is still replete with records of temporary employment in the field of trade and catering, the employer will regard this as signs of loss and even degradation. It is worth starting a career in places that will help you accumulate and multiply your identity capital. When choosing between working as a consultant in a shopping center and an intern at an event company, give preference to the area in which you want to develop. You should not be guided by the principles “they pay more here” and “it will be easier for me”.
USE WEAK CONNECTIONS
Mark Granovetter, a sociologist and professor at Stanford University, did the first social media study a decade before Facebook. Granovetter interviewed Boston suburbs who had recently changed jobs. It turned out that in three quarters of cases, respondents found new places not with the help of information from friends and relatives from a close circle, but thanks to unfamiliar people. This is how the groundbreaking study The Strength of Weak Ties was born, explaining the decisive influence of people outside our main environment on life change.
When we restrict ourselves to communication in a familiar circle, we are guided by comfort and habit, but we forget that such "isolation" gives us practically no development.
When communicating with those we have known for a long time, we even use a "limited language code" to save time and be understandable at a low cost. As a rule, our friends stay on the same level with us and have the same experience and information about relationships, work and education as ourselves. Weak ties are of a completely different nature.
Working with young people in their twenties, Jay often met resistance from them when she had to advise on using the power of weak ties. Typical responses were “I don't like making useful contacts,” “I want to find a job myself,” or “This is not my style.” You can take a similar point of view, but, nevertheless, “when we are looking for a new job, or a second half, or opportunities of a different kind, it is the people with whom we barely know who are able to radically change the situation for the better. Everything new almost always comes from outside our inner circle. "
In psychology, there is a phenomenon called the "Benjamin Franklin effect." Its essence is that a person who provides another useful service gets pleasure from it and the next time he will willingly do it again (provided that it does not bother him).
To win the favor of an unfamiliar person who can “put in a good word for you,” use a simple and understandable mechanism:
- arouse interest in yourself;
- demonstrate your adequacy;
- carry out the necessary preparatory work in order to know exactly what you need or what you are striving for;
- and then ask politely.
A LITTLE ABOUT LOVE
A separate chapter in the book is devoted to love and relationships. Jay writes that many of her twenty-year-old clients do not think about the importance of this aspect of life. But the surprising thing is that by the age of 30, their moods become more anxious, and everyone as one repeats that they want to start a family. Paradoxical as it may seem, at this age people lose their mocking tone and thoughts that all these are "remnants of the patriarchal system." Jay insists that choosing the right companion under 30 is just as important as getting a good education and developing a successful career. Ideally, of course, you need to do everything.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS TIME TO THE BRAIN?
The final formation of the frontal lobe (the part of the brain responsible for judgment, planning, and rational thinking) is completed between the ages of 20 and 30. During this critical period, thousands of new neural connections appear in the brain, multiplying our ability to learn new things. It is at this time that we again find ourselves unusually sensitive to our surroundings, and learn to accept the challenges of adulthood.
Of course, after 30, the brain remains plastic, but it will never have the capabilities that it possessed in the past decade. The time from 20 to 30 years is a time of great potential and great risks, so it should not be wasted, but should be used with maximum efficiency.
“It's very easy to let uncertainty take over, hide somewhere in a city crowd or in a parent's house and wait until our brain matures on its own, and we somehow get the right answers to all the questions that are posed before us is life. But that's not how our brains work. And that's not how life works. Moreover, even if our minds could wait, love and work cannot wait. "
When you are twenty, it seems that there is still a lot of time ahead and life is full of opportunities. But how many people, succumbing to this attitude, were able to successfully realize themselves and not waste time on meaningless searches for a place to live?
Mag Jay, an American psychologist and professor of clinical psychology at the University of Virginia, is convinced that the age of 20 to 30 is crucial for our future. She talks about this in her book “Important Years. Why you shouldn't put off your life until later ”, published by the publishing house“ Mann, Ivanov and Ferber ”.
Over the past few decades, a new generation of young people has emerged in Western culture, whose age is difficult to determine from photographs on social networks.
They dress and behave like teenagers, do not have a "serious" job and regular relationships, live in rented apartments with a few friends, or are still in no hurry to break away from their parent's nest. In America, in the mid-2000s, these "no longer children, but still not adults" began to be called tweaksters (abbreviated from the English betwixt - "neither this nor that", "neither fish nor meat"). A similar social phenomenon became widespread in Japan at the turn of the 1980s and 1990s, when the term “parasite single” (“lone parasites”) was coined to denote young people who are financially dependent on their parents. In Italy they are called "bamboccioni" ("big boys"), in Germany - nesthocker (literally - "nesting chicks").
Meanwhile, the age of tweaksters ranges from 20 to 30 years and all of them are united by a global problem - not knowing what to do with their lives right now. Popular culture and popular media are shaping the idea that this age is a natural continuation of adolescence, with such indispensable attributes as lack of commitment, sexual freedom and the ability to find oneself, spending time traveling and at parties and working wherever you have to.
Indeed, in comparison with their parents, modern young people began to study longer, later to acquire families and their own homes. Only now, as Mag Jay's practice shows, this does not make them happier, and this seemingly invigorating slogan "30 is the new 20" turns out to be nothing more than another marketing bubble.
In fact, the period from 20 to 30 years is the time of maximum concentration of our forces and skills, the time when certain of our decisions determine the course of our entire future life.
“Eighty percent of the fateful events occur in a person's life before the age of thirty-five. Two-thirds of the growth in income comes from the first ten years of a career. By the age of thirty, more than half of people get married, start dating or live with future life partners. A person's personality changes most actively from twenty to thirty years, and not before or after that age. By the age of thirty, the human brain completes its development. A woman's reproductive function peaks by the age of twenty-eight. "
In The Critical Years, Jay introduces the stories of his clients who find themselves in complete confusion during their transition to adulthood. No matter how different the characters and their problems may be, the connecting motive of these stories is the false belief that everything in their life can still change, but only in the indefinite future, when they become truly adults. In the meantime, you can be content with low-paid work, relationships with no special prospects, bathe in your own powerlessness due to eternal “unpreparedness”, economic crisis, weak will or lack of suitable opportunities.
The psychologist cites many quotes from his heroes that describe their state of anxiety and fears: “My twenty years simply paralyze me. Nobody told me it was going to be so difficult "or" I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean. As if I can swim in any direction, but the land is nowhere to be seen, and I do not know where to swim. "Over the course of a decade, hundreds of clients have come to Mag Jay, completely disenchanted with the idea of a carefree youth that can be burned out for pleasure without much consequence. The most serious was the mental suffering of 30-40 -year-old people, clutching their heads when realizing the wasted years.
So what should twenty-year-olds remember so as not to end up in ten years on the threshold of a psychologist's office with the words “I don't know how to continue to live”?
INVEST IN YOURSELF
Instead of complaining about the lack of a clear understanding of their purpose in the world, Jay advises to engage in the accumulation of so-called "identity capital". The term, coined by sociologist James Cote, means "the totality of personal assets and the stock of individual resources that we accumulate over time." In general, identity capital should be understood as everything that a person consists of - his outlook, education, books read, work experience, as well as appearance, behavior and manner of speaking. Everything that we "invest" in ourselves will determine our position in society, career development and building relationships.
Naturally, at some point every young person experiences an identity crisis, but he should not be allowed to prevail over his personality. These two processes (the search for oneself and the accumulation of individual resources) must take place in parallel and be balanced.
“Young people in their twenties, who not only take the time to explore the world, but also have the courage to take on certain commitments, create a stronger identity. They have higher self-esteem; they achieve their goals much more persistently and perceive the world around them more realistically. "
NOT ALL JOB IS GOOD
Low-paid work "for the first time" in reality has a much more destructive effect on the individual than many might imagine.
“Research shows that if a person is employed in a job that does not match their qualifications for just nine months, they may have higher levels of depression and lower levels of motivation than their peers - even those with no work at all. "
Most likely, if, after graduation, your resume is still replete with records of temporary employment in the field of trade and catering, the employer will regard this as signs of loss and even degradation. It is worth starting a career in places that will help you accumulate and multiply your identity capital. When choosing between working as a consultant in a shopping center and an intern at an event company, give preference to the area in which you want to develop. You should not be guided by the principles “they pay more here” and “it will be easier for me”.
USE WEAK CONNECTIONS
Mark Granovetter, a sociologist and professor at Stanford University, did the first social media study a decade before Facebook. Granovetter interviewed Boston suburbs who had recently changed jobs. It turned out that in three quarters of cases, respondents found new places not with the help of information from friends and relatives from a close circle, but thanks to unfamiliar people. This is how the groundbreaking study The Strength of Weak Ties was born, explaining the decisive influence of people outside our main environment on life change.
When we restrict ourselves to communication in a familiar circle, we are guided by comfort and habit, but we forget that such "isolation" gives us practically no development.
When communicating with those we have known for a long time, we even use a "limited language code" to save time and be understandable at a low cost. As a rule, our friends stay on the same level with us and have the same experience and information about relationships, work and education as ourselves. Weak ties are of a completely different nature.
Working with young people in their twenties, Jay often met resistance from them when she had to advise on using the power of weak ties. Typical responses were “I don't like making useful contacts,” “I want to find a job myself,” or “This is not my style.” You can take a similar point of view, but, nevertheless, “when we are looking for a new job, or a second half, or opportunities of a different kind, it is the people with whom we barely know who are able to radically change the situation for the better. Everything new almost always comes from outside our inner circle. "
In psychology, there is a phenomenon called the "Benjamin Franklin effect." Its essence is that a person who provides another useful service gets pleasure from it and the next time he will willingly do it again (provided that it does not bother him).
To win the favor of an unfamiliar person who can “put in a good word for you,” use a simple and understandable mechanism:
- arouse interest in yourself;
- demonstrate your adequacy;
- carry out the necessary preparatory work in order to know exactly what you need or what you are striving for;
- and then ask politely.
A LITTLE ABOUT LOVE
A separate chapter in the book is devoted to love and relationships. Jay writes that many of her twenty-year-old clients do not think about the importance of this aspect of life. But the surprising thing is that by the age of 30, their moods become more anxious, and everyone as one repeats that they want to start a family. Paradoxical as it may seem, at this age people lose their mocking tone and thoughts that all these are "remnants of the patriarchal system." Jay insists that choosing the right companion under 30 is just as important as getting a good education and developing a successful career. Ideally, of course, you need to do everything.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS TIME TO THE BRAIN?
The final formation of the frontal lobe (the part of the brain responsible for judgment, planning, and rational thinking) is completed between the ages of 20 and 30. During this critical period, thousands of new neural connections appear in the brain, multiplying our ability to learn new things. It is at this time that we again find ourselves unusually sensitive to our surroundings, and learn to accept the challenges of adulthood.
Of course, after 30, the brain remains plastic, but it will never have the capabilities that it possessed in the past decade. The time from 20 to 30 years is a time of great potential and great risks, so it should not be wasted, but should be used with maximum efficiency.
“It's very easy to let uncertainty take over, hide somewhere in a city crowd or in a parent's house and wait until our brain matures on its own, and we somehow get the right answers to all the questions that are posed before us is life. But that's not how our brains work. And that's not how life works. Moreover, even if our minds could wait, love and work cannot wait. "
