What is a Secondary Benefit? Theory and exercise.

[Teacher]

I am the sickest person in the world! You must become my own mother!

m / f "Carlson"

The secondary benefit is that the person is kept in the problem state that he received. In common usage, this is the same as intrinsic benefit, although in psychoanalysis the "primary" and "secondary benefits" are different. In psychoanalysis, secondary benefit is understood as an advantage that the patient receives from already formed symptoms, that is, an advantage that he did not expect or did not intend (unconsciously) to receive in the initial period of symptom formation. This benefit does not lead to symptom formation, but contributes to the consolidation of the disease and resistance to treatment.

Have you ever wondered why, when making a decision, it often fails and everything remains as it was?

In psychology, there is a concept of secondary benefit. Outwardly, a person may want something very much, constantly talk about it, but do nothing. For example, a person may say that he wants to change jobs, that the real job does not suit him, but at the same time he will not even try to find something else, will not take any action. Or he may suffer from some kind of dissatisfying relationship, from some kind of annoying illness, etc., but the matter will not go beyond words.

Why? Because in reality he benefits from this suffering, not a decision, often without realizing it. Moreover, if you tell him about this, then it often causes irritation, and not a desire to understand. It turns out that every decision has dividends, conscious and unconscious. And which of the dividends are the most important, the most profitable, at that stage there will be a decision - to leave everything as it is, or to change something.

I want to change jobs, but I don't have time to distribute my resumes, I don't have a suitable job, the child is ill, the HR department was closed on my free day, I lost the phone number I was going to call ... And at the same time the person is annoyed that nothing it is not possible to carry out the conceived.

It is very difficult to see in yourself and realize that you want one thing and at the same time want the opposite - you want a new job, and at the same time you want not to change anything. However, the decision to change jobs will never catch on unless we give up on the opposing side's dividends. This means that our task is to understand our internal benefits, sabotage our own decision and oppose these benefits with something else, even more beneficial.

HOW DOES IT LOOK IN PRACTICE?

Suppose a person claims to be a strong and independent person, but behaves like a dependent and often shows weakness.

What are the dividends for the other side, which the conscientious director does not want to accept? How can an addicted and weak person benefit? First, of course, this is shifting responsibility for your life onto others and circumstances, this is compassion, getting care, attention, etc. In such a situation, can full responsibility for one's life, lack of caring attention and sympathy in case of failure become dividends?

And the fact that a strong and independent one may face a difficult choice and he can only rely on himself - will it be dividends? Most likely not, because this is not always a comfortable state. It is much easier to constantly rely on the support of stronger and more confident people. Obvious advantages remain on the side of the subconscious director, and the person, against his will, behaves like an addict, and is angry with himself for this.

Consider another example of a person giving their advice left and right. The downside of such behavior may be that people stop taking him seriously, get annoyed with him - “you are always with your advice!”, Express distrust, point out his mistakes. It seems that you need to think about it and reconsider your habit, because there is a clear lack of acceptance of a person. But no, this habit has very significant dividends, from which it is very difficult for a person to give up and they are much more. Namely, giving advice to others, a person experiences a sense of self-worth. He grows up in his own eyes as an intelligent, reasonable and knowledgeable person, while others are unreasonable. And why are they offended and annoyed? After all, my vision is the only correct one, I give it to them, use it and do not make mistakes! I take care of them!

Another example would be the choice between “being healthy” and “staying sick”. When you are sick, you fully receive the care of your family and friends, and deservedly so, they are healthy, and you are sick. You have the right to talk for hours with them about your problems, about yourself, about your illness, and all your seem demands to be legitimate. Does such a right remain with a healthy person? A healthy person should take care of a sick person and the wishes of a healthy person are not taken into account. Illness is a powerful means of receiving love, affection, help, a way to avoid the demands that are made on a healthy person. I am sick, with me and the bribes are smooth. No one will voluntarily do anything for a healthy person, so illness comes to the rescue.

Remember, when you are sick, how much attention and care do you get? Do you get that much when you are healthy? It's so cool - to lie down when everyone around you is running around, and they feed and give you something to drink, and any of your wishes will be fulfilled! And the main thing is that you now have every right to do so. When you are healthy, you have to do everything yourself. Then what is the point of becoming healthy?

Even children love to get sick, because it is during illness that parents spend most of their time nearby, fulfilling all the wishes and requirements of a sick child. A toy that he once asked for, and you did not buy for some reason - please, because the child is sick and at least somehow you can brighten up his condition. It is beneficial for the sick. When you are healthy, they don't bother with you anymore, mom goes to work, comes in the evening tired, she always has no time ...

And you try to pay more attention to the child when he is healthy, so he will immediately stop hurting, it will no longer be beneficial for him. What will he choose - pills and bed rest or a walk with dad, a trip to the forest? Don't take my word for it, start spending more time with your child when he is healthy and less when he is sick, and you will see that your child will be much less sick. This may seem monstrous to your consciousness, like it is less time to devote to a child when he is sick! But it is with this behavior that we show that it is more profitable not to get sick.

I remember having such a case in my childhood. On Friday evening I had a fever and all the signs of a cold were on my face. And on Saturday, my father was going to go camping with us children. A forest, a fire, tea from a pot, songs with a guitar ... I so wanted to go camping, that in the morning all the cold seemed to be removed by hand. I woke up completely healthy. It was much more interesting for me to go camping with my father than to lie in bed all weekend. At first, my parents were skeptical that I recovered so quickly, but, nevertheless, at the family council, they decided that I would also go camping. There was no end to my happiness. The disease has receded. I think that you have had similar cases.

Have you ever wondered why a person chooses to suffer, get angry, take offense, criticize? If such a choice is made, then there is some benefit, but the answer may not always be pleasant. And consciousness will deny this benefit. But what will it answer to the fact that a person still chose to suffer, get angry, take offense and criticize? He could have chosen the opposite.

Objections can go, how not to be offended if they are offended? Stop. Who is offending? So the one who offends is more significant and stronger than yourself? Here it is - I am weak, addicted. They hurt me! Help! I feel bad, so you should be softer, more benevolent, caring with me! So what happens? Choosing to be offended, and once having received such reinforcement, a person expects to receive support from other people in the form of condemnation of the offender; care because he is so vulnerable; the ability to avoid demands on yourself from other people - they offended me, how am I going to do something now; the ability to blame others, etc. Are they not dividends?

What are the benefits of self-flagellation? Avoiding accusations and in turn making accusations against others. The benefits of being the helpless are to avoid being rebuked. The benefits of belittling yourself are the ability to avoid the danger of competition. Here, of two evils, the lesser is simply chosen. But is this realized? Do we see the script of the subconscious director? And how do we actually justify our choice?

IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOURSELF, TRY THE FOLLOWING EXERCISES:

1. Choose one of the most pressing problems for you at the moment. For example, let it be a quarrel with a loved one.

2. Reflect and answer the question: "What are the benefits I get from ..." Try not to deceive yourself and find 5-10 benefits that you get. Write them down in a column. For example, from a quarrel you can get:
- The feeling that I am right and fair.
- By smoothing out the feeling of guilt, the partner can give a gift, because when we do not quarrel, he gives me almost nothing.
- Confirmation that I am significant for a partner, since he is always the first to come to reconciliation.
- A quarrel can be a means of managing a partner.
- She can also bring in vivid emotions that are completely absent in ordinary interaction.
- You can enjoy the reconciliation, so a quarrel can be the reason for this pleasure.
- After a quarrel, there may be bright sex, etc.

3. After you have written the pros and made not very pleasant discoveries for yourself, reflect - are you ready to give up each of the benefits found?

4. If the answer is “no,” then ponder how you can get this benefit elsewhere, in a different form.

For example, in order for your companion to give gifts more often, you can tell him directly about it. To say that you are much more pleased when he gives you just like that, and not when he makes amends.

If your emotions are lacking, find another way that is more positive. Find common interest with your partner and develop it. Any joint action will give you a lot of positive emotions, if it is interesting for both.

5. If you answered “yes” to some of the points and you understand that you are not ready to give up the benefit, then admit it to yourself honestly. For example, that it is always important for you to be right, even at the expense of your own happiness. Your goal is not a healthy relationship, but total loneliness, accept this and do not be upset about it. You don't want to give up the benefit. When you understand otherwise, you will change your behavior, and God forbid that it is not too late.

6. Now consider - what advantages will you get from the opposite side, for example, if you don't, provoke a quarrel? It may turn out that by bringing them to consciousness, they will turn out to be much more significant than the pluses of the quarrel. Then it will not be at all difficult to give up the advantages that you get in a quarrel. In any case, having understood yourself, it will be much easier for you to choose a solution without a struggle and act in accordance with it.

It can be very difficult to do such work alone, and it is not always possible to find a solution that is easy to adhere to, often something remains unfinished. All this is best done in a group of like-minded people, those who also want to find a way out without a fight, and who are ready to support you.

 

[Brother]

Secondary benefit​

Secondary benefit is a goal that a person simultaneously achieves in the process of satisfying an intention. Ascertaining and satisfying not only intention but also secondary benefits is a prerequisite for successful change.

1. Intention is what a person creates behavior for. The value he wants to satisfy in the first place.
There is a purpose behind human behavior. Internal need. What he wants to get for himself. The intention of eating is satiety, the intention of exercising in the morning is health.

2. Intention is always positive for its owner.
The intention is positive for its owner. That is, intention is what a person likes and what he wants. Another thing is the behavior with the help of which he tries to satisfy this intention. A robber in a dark alley has a completely positive (for him) intention - getting pleasure, well-being ... But his way of satisfying this intention is very unpleasant for those around him.

3. The intention is always within. Behavior is more often directed outward.
How to understand what is behavior and what is intention? Intention answers the "why" question, and behavior answers "how." Intention is what's inside. Behavior is most often directed outward - what a person does in this world.
Intention is satiety. The behavior is to buy a pie and eat it.
It is often difficult to determine what is the intent behind the behavior. Sometimes they try to call it an intention: "to explain to others, to get to know each other, to eat." This is the behavior. This is some kind of action from the outside. And the intention: "understanding, self-affirmation, satiety." Intention is what you want for yourself. Inside. What value do you want to satisfy. And values are usually described by nominalizations: understanding, satiety, pleasure, love, attention. You can also clarify: true love, sincere attention, confirmation of importance.

4. Behavior may be ineffective in the context of satisfying intent.
It is clear that the behavior can be somewhat ineffective. In the sense that it may not satisfy the intention. It's just that a person does not know how to do it differently. But he tries.
The intention is to get attention. Party. A girl with a frustrated look sits in the corner, hoping that they will notice her there and come to comfort her. But something no one goes ... The intention is very positive, but the mode of behavior, in this context, judging by the result, is completely ineffective. But this girl does not know how to do anything else.

5. Secondary benefits - what other important needs the behavior satisfies.
But it often happens that with one behavior a person tries to kill two, or even three, four or more birds with one stone. That is, to satisfy a few more needs along the way. For example, the intention of eating is satiety (satiety). And along the way, a bunch of needs can be satisfied: enjoyment, peace of mind (relieve stress), communication, etc. These are the needs that are simultaneously satisfied by behavior and are called secondary benefits. For the sake of secondary benefits, a person does not create this behavior. It's like an extra dividend.
Dealing with obsessions such as smoking, overeating, etc. usually complicated by the fact that such behavior satisfies a large number of secondary benefits.
A woman comes home in the evening and begins to eat actively. Her intention is satiety. But along the way, she enjoys, rests, relaxes and disconnects from unpleasant thoughts about work (which gives her peace of mind).
The man smokes for pleasure. But he also uses smoking to break down the time (finished the job - smoked), to establish contacts (went into the smoking room, lit a cigarette, struck up a conversation with those who smoke there with him), for relaxation, for communication ("Let's go, smoke") etc.

6. In order to find out the value, the following questions are asked: - Why do you need it? Why are you doing this?

7. In order to find out the secondary benefits, the following questions are asked: - What else does it give you? What else do you get from this?
In order to find out the intention, the following questions are asked: - Why do you need this? What does it give you? Why are you doing this?
To find out the secondary benefits, the following questions are asked: - What else does it give you? What else are you using it for? What else do you get from this?

8. When changing, it is important to find new ways to meet the secondary benefits.
Sometimes it happens like this. There was a drunken husband. His wife persuaded him to "coding". They went to the center, where the husband was "coded". That is, in a certain way, they made it so that he physically cannot drink. And the person has changed. It is clear that his behavior, most likely, became more socially acceptable: he stopped drinking his salary, hanging around with no one knows where and with whom, and returning home at three in the morning. But, at the same time, he stopped being cheerful and sociable, lost courage and stopped fixing things in the house. Previously, he used alcohol to access a heap of resource states: cheerfulness, cheerfulness. Slightly "accepting" he communicated well and was very "lively". In this state, he enjoyed doing household chores. The behavior was banned, but the husband has not yet found another way to access these resources.
Imagine a person's leg hurts. Hurts badly. So that he cannot step on it. And he walks with a crutch. It is not convenient to walk with a crutch - slowly, hands are busy ... A Well-Wisher comes, takes away the crutches and loudly declares: - Now you are free! You can walk like everyone else! No crutch!
The man happily tries to walk, but ... The leg hurts. The crutch was taken away. And if earlier he could walk, even with a crutch, now he sits at home. Although without a crutch. Either he finds a substitute - a cane or just a knotty stick.
¨ It is clear that for a person who walked with a crutch solely out of habit, and the leg has long passed, taking the crutch has an extremely beneficial effect.
In short, the leg needs to be treated.

9. The way to satisfy the secondary benefit must be affordable, efficient and reliable.
For example, there are secondary benefits of "good mood" and "pleasure" that are met by eating a lot of chocolate. This behavior is certainly more socially acceptable than drunkenness, but rather non-ecological for a person. He gets fat. And a large amount of chocolate is bad for your health. I would like to find more environmentally friendly ways to have fun and good mood.
BUT! Chocolate is such a thing. First, it is effective. I ate a chocolate bar - and immediately good (chocolate contains substances that increase mood). Secondly, it is affordable. He took it out of his pocket and ate it. And if not in your pocket, there is chocolate in almost every kiosk and store. Thirdly, it is reliable - chocolate always works. The only drawback is that it is harmful in large quantities (that is, it is not environmentally friendly). This means that when we look for a replacement for it, we need to find something reliable, effective and affordable, but also more environmentally friendly.
For example, you can go to the movies to cheer up, and it will be effective, reliable and more environmentally friendly, but less affordable. You can eat chocolate at work, but watching movies is problematic. For pleasure, you can read jokes, but often jokes are not too funny. So this method is not as reliable and effective. Although affordable and environmentally friendly.
What to do? We can find several ways to satisfy the intention. For example, for pleasure, you can: go to the movies, talk with friends, have sex, take a walk, think about something pleasant. And although each of the methods individually may not satisfy all the requirements in all situations (availability, reliability, efficiency and environmental friendliness), choosing them to fit the context, you can get a completely satisfactory result. On Saturday, go to the cinema, take a walk at lunchtime, finish typing the document for a couple of minutes and dream about the upcoming vacation ...