The "not yet" scenario and how to overcome it

[Teacher]

In the cartoon "Holidays in Prostakvashino" the postman Pechkin said the famous words: "I brought you a parcel, but I won't give it to you, since you have no documents."

This is a typical example of a conditional relationship, when in order to get what you want you need to do something, present, prove, or, in other words, pay a certain price. The approach is normal and very practical, because little in the world can be obtained just like that.

Such "economy" of relations with the world will hardly surprise anyone. Another situation arises if a similar pattern is reinforced in how a person relates to himself and his own values. The shadow of a high price, which begins to haunt him at every step, causes suspicion. Everything seems immensely expensive to such a person, and until he pays in full, nothing good will be seen.

Here are examples of such attitudes that people give themselves:

Until I lose ten kilograms, I won't buy a fur coat for myself.

Until I get a second education, I will not demand a salary increase.

Until I buy a car, I don't feel like a human being.

Until I finish building the house, I won't go on vacation.

Until I become the best among all friends and acquaintances, I cannot live in peace.

Until I retire, I don't start resting.

The bottom line is that a person drives himself into a rigid framework of work, stress, competition, struggle and even punishment. He is convinced that he can find joy, calmness, recognition, love only if fire, water and copper pipes pass. And this should not happen soon. The "not yet" scenario is convinced that he does not deserve a good life without paying a high price in the form of punishment, deprivation and stress. If he suddenly gets what he wants earlier, then there is a high probability that he will not accept such a gift from fate. For example, a similar situation is described in the following parable.

"" Once Zeus and Hera were sitting in heaven and watching human life below. Suddenly Hera noticed the poor man, who was in rags and was crying bitterly. Hera felt sorry for him and she turned to her husband:

“Do you see the poor man downstairs? He is awfully dressed and cries very bitterly. Help him - send him money so he can eat and dress.

- I tried to help him, but he is not ready yet.

Hera did not want to hear this, she was very sorry for the man:

- You're so heartless! Help him! What does it cost you?

Zeus laughed:

- Okay, honey. I will do what you asked me to do. But remember my words - he is not ready yet ...

In broad daylight, lightning broke out and a bag appeared near the man, inside which lay gold. The man walked alongside and ran into a bag of gold, he stumbled and fell, got up, uttered some curses out of annoyance and walked on, never knowing what was inside the bag ...

• Feeling that you do not deserve the good in life is a key moment of the “not yet” scenario.

Quite often, successfully overcoming all the difficulties involved in paying a high price never brings satisfaction. For some reason, the approach of the moment of freedom, relaxation and celebration is not encouraging. There is an unconscious desire to postpone the moment of joy a little, paying a little more stress and tension in order to probably already deserve the onset of a joyful ending.

Surprisingly, motivation turns upside down. The desired result does not seem particularly necessary, because it still seems undeserved. At the same time, the difficult process of achievement motivates, and there is a desire to continue it.

The above is somewhat similar to a self-punishment scheme. Instead of rejoicing and relaxing, people look for ways to burden themselves with additional difficulties. They are the ones who stay in the office after the end of the working day or on pre-holiday days, when the rest are eager to run home as soon as possible.

The “not yet” scenario can also lead to the development of perfectionism. Endless last minute changes, improvements, rework and doubts. Often these are only external manifestations of inner self-doubt and unwillingness to make a final decision, as well as the fear that everything will end, boredom will come and there will be nothing to occupy oneself.

• Undeserving good hides inner dissatisfaction with oneself

E. Bern, the author of the concept of a life scenario, said that the latter is created in childhood under the influence of parents and other significant figures. A script is not only a life plan, but also a set of attitudes about oneself.

Self-punishment, perfectionism, unconscious craving for the difficult path - all these are signs of self-rejection and self-dissatisfaction, which underlies the "not yet" scenario. One gets the feeling that a person seems to be waiting for approval from an authoritative figure. Someone big and significant must come and stop suffering and torment, finally allowing him to live in peace and enjoy life.

As a result of all this, the owner of the “not yet” scenario does not allow himself to live and enjoy here and now. He seems to be constantly running from something, not finding a place for himself. He cannot stop and relax, enjoy what he possesses.

• How can you not fall into the trap of the “not yet” scenario and stay living in the “here and now”?

The answer suggests itself - just allow yourself to do it.

If only it were that simple! After all, permission to stop the endless race and suffering can only be obtained from an authority figure. Often a person is looking for such a figure somewhere outside, not suspecting that his own inner "parent" lives in him. It is he who can issue the appropriate permission.

Meditation

- Questions that allow you to enter the scenario parental settings.

Why do I have to suffer and overcome difficulties now?

What is keeping me from enjoying life right now?

What and to whom am I trying to prove it?

Who will condemn and criticize me if, in spite of everything, I begin to simply live and rejoice?

Everything that can be found as a result of the answers to these questions is extremely important. These are not just words and phrases, but the components of the image of the inner parent who is responsible for the program of inhibitions and self-punishment. You can cancel this program by convincing the inner parent of their own adulthood and autonomy in making life decisions.

• For the final exit from the "not yet" scenario, you need to accept and love yourself

This cannot be done in one step. The process of traveling to oneself, which one can both accept and love, can resemble climbing to the top of a mountain.

Just overcoming the habit of scolding and blaming yourself for everything will take a lot of time and effort. No less return will be needed to carry out a general cleaning of all negative thoughts about yourself. Having done this, we will realize that we have passed only halfway, having dropped the unnecessary ballast of internal negativity.

It will be more interesting and pleasant to go further, since the gone bad thoughts about yourself and habits will need to be replaced with new positive ones. These skills include the ability to thank oneself, the habit of noticing strengths, and the refusal to compare oneself with others, and the creation of a daily replenished collection of one's own successes.

Comfort

Summing up, I would like to note that any scenario, explicitly or implicitly imposed on us from the outside, is not environmentally friendly. It is often felt as a force that controls us from within, forcing us to do something against our will. The “not yet” scenario can be canceled by allowing yourself to live and enjoy here and now, and not just after going through a difficult path of hardship. To do this, you need to prove your adulthood and independence to your inner authority, and also go through the path of accepting and gaining love for yourself.

Forbidding ourselves to live and rejoice here and now, we lose ourselves, turn away from our true essence.