The mask of cowardice: what we really fear

[Brother]

Each of us, at least once in his life, nevertheless showed himself as a psychological coward. It is very difficult to admit this and understand what we are really afraid of. Cowardice has many masks behind which we may not recognize it at all.

Let's take a closer look at them and face our fears.​

Principledness

This quality does not seem bad to us and a principled person is portrayed as strong-willed and strong, who does not change his principles and beliefs. But let's think better. A principled person sometimes simply does not know how to adapt to situations, change himself and try to improve his life and those of his loved ones.

He can act strictly according to the rules and regulations, carefully observing them, even if no one checks their implementation or it is no longer relevant. But since he is afraid to break them and try in a different way, he will live within the framework, while the rest around will develop and take risks.

Therefore, often under the guise of adherence to principles, fear, insecurity, indecision are hidden. If you suddenly find this in yourself - try to expand the boundaries, take the risk of doing what you have always condemned - go for a walk during a short lunch break, or leave work earlier.

Generosity

Do you consider yourself generous? Have you ever had a situation when in a cafe you left your change as a "tip", in a taxi also - without waiting for the change, went out, or brought a box of chocolates to the doctor?

Of all the above, there is only logic in the last action - the doctor still takes care of your health, and if the relationship is long, then you can thank. But you do not know either the taxi driver or the waiter and are unlikely to meet again.

Someone justifies such actions by the fact that they value and respect someone else's work. But in a regular store or in the market, you do not leave change, although people also work there. In such a manifestation of generosity your cowardice is hidden, it is inconvenient for you to demand change from a taxi driver, suddenly thinks badly of you, or it is also bad not to leave "for tea" in a cafe, everyone will look like a curmudgeon. But do not be afraid to demand change, wait, and also bargain on the market and try to get profit - this is all absolutely normal.

Hospitality can also have a downside. Receiving and loving guests is a great quality, but it often happens that out of excessive zeal and fear of condemnation, the owner or hostess of the house serves the table with all possible dishes, trying to put as much as possible on the table.

But why so much food that just can't fit in the stomach? Now think - what are you afraid of? Condemnation or dissatisfaction of guests? But who will be dissatisfied? After all, they came to visit you, to communicate, and this is the main thing, therefore food lovers will be unhappy, and if the next time they do not come to you, it will be a small loss.

Gallantry

Sometimes education and gallantry do not allow a person to be attentive to his health. For example, a gallant man will not refuse a woman to carry heavy bags, even if his back hurts badly. He will pretend that everything is fine, fearing to appear impolite or weak. And this fear can lead to dire consequences in the form of diseases and many problems.

Now let's analyze the quality of kindness. We all should strive to be truly kind and sympathetic, but what is sometimes hidden under the guise of kindness? Fear, of course.

For example, a woman considers herself kind, because she always fulfills her husband's requests, without refusing - she prepares a lot of food and dishes, bakes his favorite pies. And from his own "kindness" he gets very tired. At this time, the husband, eating well, grows in size and becomes heavier. Is it kindness? Not at all. This is the fear of conflict and change, because in order to eat right, you need to redo the entire diet and change your habits, and first prove to your husband that this is necessary.

Caring

Our beautiful women love to shoulder too many tasks and problems, and then it ends with migraines, fatigue and illness. And why? The woman takes care of all household issues, and cleaning, and washing, and cooking, and the purchase of groceries, because she is afraid that someone will think that she is a bad housewife, it is also inconvenient to ask her husband and children for help, everyone has their own affairs, and they will not cope, of course. Such an all-encompassing concern, as you can see, is also a fear of condemnation.

Modesty and shyness

Behind modesty and shyness, many emotions can be hidden. When a person does not like to enter into discussions, draw attention to himself, express his opinion, respond at lectures or meetings, even knowing the correct answer, he may be called modest. Yes, he will say so about himself.

In fact, such shyness hides the fear that people will not understand, condemn, ridicule. At the same time, a person unconsciously believes that he is the best, and people can ruin everything, because they are not so smart. To overcome this fear, you need to realize that there are no special people, everyone is equal, and a person's feeling of exclusivity should go away, and shyness will go away with him.

Solidarity

Many actions are performed by people out of solidarity, which does not bring them anything good. Someone goes to college out of solidarity with friends, someone gets married, others go to a demonstration, many dress in fashionable things and do their hair out of solidarity. This leads to the fact that everyone becomes the same, no one thinks with his own head, does not express his opinion and attitude.

Solidarity is guided by the fear of being left on the sidelines, of falling behind a huge herd. But in the herd it is impossible to become happy, in it you can only satisfy your needs. It is worth taking the courage and expressing your opinion, realizing what you really like and what not, what you want to do and how to live.

Bravery

Courage can harbor a fear of condemnation, when a person is ready to fight and proudly defend his honor, in fact, fearing that everyone will find out that he is a coward.

Suffering

Suffering is an emotion known to all of us, which appears under various factors - it can be hunger, anxiety, destruction of hopes, betrayal. We have all experienced suffering, but our relationship to it is individual, depending on our personal experience and perception of situations. Someone will suffer because of a small trifle and make a tragedy out of it, another will calmly and with dignity go through a great grief.

In suffering, a person's face takes on a corresponding expression - raised, knitted eyebrows, a heavy look. If a person is often in this condition, vertical creases and wrinkles form on the forehead. In suffering, tears help a lot, crying, a person releases heavy emotions and becomes much easier. But since many in childhood were scolded for crying, not everyone knows how to cry, a psychotherapist will help restore this function.

Suffering is not only negative feelings, but also a signal for a person who says that the current situation is unfavorable, that he is bad and needs to change the state of things urgently.

How to support a suffering person? First of all, you need to understand the cause of suffering. If this is the loss of a loved one or a serious illness, you do not need to try to advise the person or say that everything will pass, you just need to pull yourself together. In order to cope with the situation, a person needs time, he is already sufficiently closed and holds on as he can. Better than trying to advise, just support and admire the courage and strength of the person in trouble.

The attitude towards suffering is embedded in us from childhood. If parents scold and shame a child who is crying and upset, then as an adult he will always be ashamed of his tears.

For a child to learn to cope with and respond normally to suffering, to trust people and to be positive, parents should support him in expressing negative emotions and try to help him find the source of the disorder and eliminate it.

If the parents simply calm down the child, comfort them with caresses, but do not try to find and solve the causes of suffering, then the person will always just look for consolation, but not try to fight and solve the problem.

When parents first encourage the baby to cry, but then, as soon as they grow up, they start scolding, while the parents' requirements differ, then such a child will grow up with delayed development and difficulties in communicating with people.

And remember, in order to experience suffering, you need it to have a meaning, an ultimate goal. As Frankl said, finding the positive side of loss can greatly alleviate suffering.

Anger

Anger often comes after suffering or prolonged depression. Also, anger can arise if needs cannot be met. This can be hindered by both physical factors, laws, and psychological ones. If obstacles are easy to overcome, anger does not arise. But if the obstacle is insurmountable, and the desire remains strong, then anger grows. At the same time, the constant containment of a little anger is very bad for the body.

Anger was important in the evolutionary process, but now it carries a lot of negative things, giving rise to feelings of betrayal, injustice, and deception. If anger is contained, a feeling of disgust for the object of anger can arise. Therefore, remember that those who yell at you in anger and swear at you do better than those who are silent and restrained. You need to try to solve the cause of anger, find this problem and analyze it, anger cannot be grown, it destroys a person from the inside.

Author: Mikhail Litvak