We list two dozen not-so-clean tricks with which inadequate people humiliate others and silence them. Narcissistic individuals such as psychopaths and sociopaths use these techniques to avoid responsibility for their actions.
Destructive people - carriers of malignant narcissism, psychopathy and antisocial traits - often exhibit inappropriate behavior in relationships, as a result of exploiting, humiliating and offending their partners or partners, family and friends.
They use a variety of distracting maneuvers designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility for what is happening.
Gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a manipulative technique, which is easiest to illustrate with such typical phrases: "There was no such thing", "It seemed to you" and "Are you crazy?"
Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques, because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result, you begin to question the legitimacy of your complaints of abuse and mistreatment.
When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses these tactics against you, you automatically take their side to deal with the cognitive dissonance that has arisen. There are two irreconcilable reactions fighting in your soul: either he is wrong, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the former is completely out of the question, and the latter is the pure truth, testifying to your inadequacy.
Projection.
One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person is chronically unwilling to see their own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called a projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to supplant responsibility for one's negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to someone else. Thus, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.
While we all use projection to some degree, clinical narcissistic specialist Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that narcissists often use projection as a form of psychological abuse.
Rather than admitting their own flaws, flaws and wrongdoings, narcissists and sociopaths prefer to blame their own vices on their unsuspecting victims in the most unpleasant and cruel way. Instead of admitting that it would be useful for them to take care of themselves, they prefer to instill a sense of shame in their victims, shifting responsibility for their behavior onto them. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the bitter shame he feels about himself.
For example, a pathological liar might accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband “clingy” in an attempt to make him dependent; a bad employee may call his boss ineffective to avoid talking truthfully about his own performance.
Narcissistic sadists love to play blame shifting. Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, the bottom line - you or the whole world are to blame for everything that happened to them. Thus, you have to nurse their fragile ego, and in return you are pushed into a sea of insecurity and self-criticism. Cool thought up, huh?
As manipulation expert Dr. George Simon writes in In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.
Narcissists at the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in introspection and change. It is important to break off all relationships and connections with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to value yourself. You don't have to live in someone else's dysfunction cesspool.
These are hellishly pointless conversations.
If you hope for thoughtful communication with a destructive person, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will receive an epic brain blockage.
Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, circle conversations, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them. This is done in order to discredit, distract and upset you, distract you from the main topic and make you feel guilty for being a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to be different from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.
Ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist is enough - and you are already wondering how you got involved in this at all. You just disagreed with his ridiculous claim that the sky is red, and now all your childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with mud. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is omnipotent and omniscient, leading to so-called narcissistic trauma.
They love drama and live for it. Trying to find an argument that refutes their ridiculous claims, you are only throwing wood on the fire. Don't feed the narcissists - better feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not with you, but with their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend that time doing something enjoyable.
Generalizations and unfounded statements.
Narcissists do not always boast outstanding intelligence - many of them are not used to thinking at all. Instead of wasting time and sorting out different points of view, they make generalizations based on whatever you say, ignoring the nuances of your reasoning and your attempts to take into account different opinions. And it's even easier to put a label on you - this automatically negates the value of any of your statements.
On a broader scale, generalizations and allegations are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, schemes and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo. Thus, one aspect of the problem is inflated to such an extent that a serious conversation becomes impossible.
For example, when popular personalities are accused of rape, many immediately start screaming that such accusations are sometimes false. And, although false accusations do happen, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while a specific accusation is ignored.
Such everyday manifestations of microaggression are typical of destructive relationships. For example, you tell the narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unfounded statement about your hypersensitivity or a generalization like: "You are always unhappy with everything" or "You are not satisfied with anything at all," instead of paying attention to the actual problem. Yes, you may be hypersensitive at times - but it is equally likely that your abuser is numb and callous most of the time.
Behind the destructive people who scatter unfounded generalizations, there is not all the richness of human experience - only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-esteem.
Deliberate perversion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.
In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your differences of opinion, legitimate emotions and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.
Narcissists make up all sorts of fables, paraphrasing what you say so that your position looks absurd or unacceptable.
Let's say you point out to a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you. In response, he twists your words: "Oh, and we have you, then, perfection itself?" or "So you think I'm bad?" - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to revoke your right to thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you try to set boundaries.
This common distraction is a cognitive distortion called mind reading. Destructive people believe they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening carefully to you. They act accordingly based on their own illusions and delusions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into someone else's mouth, they make you bearers of completely wild intentions and opinions. They accuse you of considering them inadequate before you even comment on their behavior, and this is also a form of proactive defense.
As long as the destructive person has the ability to shift the blame and divert the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to instill in you a sense of shame for the fact that you dared to contradict him in something.
Nagging and changing the rules of the game.
The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" don't have the slightest desire to help you become a better person - they just enjoy nagging, humiliating, and making you a scapegoat. Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths use the sophism called game-changing to ensure they have every reason to be constantly unhappy with you. This is when, even after you have provided all sorts of evidence to support your argument or have taken all possible steps to satisfy their request, they present you with a new demand or want more evidence.
Are you having a successful career? The narcissist will find fault with why you are still not a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be coddled around the clock? Now prove that you can remain "independent." The rules of the game will constantly change and can easily even contradict each other; the sole purpose of this game is to get you to seek the attention and approval of the narcissist.
By constantly raising the bar of expectations or even replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill in you an all-pervading sense of worthlessness and a constant fear of inappropriateness. By highlighting one minor episode or one of your mistakes and inflating it to gigantic proportions, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own merits and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time. It forces you to think about new expectations that you will now have to meet, and as a result, you go out of your way to satisfy any of his requests - and in the end it turns out that he still treats you badly.
Do not get fooled by nagging and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck on some insignificant episode over and over again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to prove that he is right or satisfy his demands, then he is not motivated by a desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to instill in you the feeling that you must constantly strive to earn his approval.
Change of subject to avoid responsibility.
I call this maneuver "What-what-I-Syndrome?"... This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion with the aim of shifting attention to a completely different one. Narcissists do not want to discuss their personal responsibility, so they lead the conversation in the direction they want. Do you complain that he does not devote time to children? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows neither time nor thematic framework and often begins with the words: "And when you ..."
At the public level, these techniques are used to thwart discussions that call into question the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be thwarted if only one of the participants raises a question about another pressing issue, diverting attention from the original dispute.
As noted by Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, specificity is needed for proper consideration and resolution of issues - this does not mean that the topics raised along the way are not important, it just means that for every topic there is its time and its context.
Move the arrows back, say: “I'm not talking about that now. Let's not get distracted. "If it doesn't help, stop the conversation and channel your energy in a more useful direction - for example, find a conversation partner who is not stuck in mental development at the level of a three-year-old.
Hidden and overt threats.
Narcissists and other destructive individuals feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world owes them, a false sense of superiority or colossal pride is questioned by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - while punishing you for not meeting their unattainable expectations.
Instead of maturely resolving differences and seeking compromise, they try to deprive you of the right to your own opinion, trying to teach you to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their requirements. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum, their standard reaction is "do this, otherwise I will do this."
If, in response to your attempts to draw a line or express an excellent opinion, you hear an ordering tone and threats, whether they are veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: you have a man who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never go to compromise.
Insults.
Narcissists preemptively inflate an elephant from a fly, as soon as they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their understanding, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise, inflicts narcissistic trauma on them, leading to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.
In the lowest of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinion or emotions. Harassment is an easy and quick way to offend, humiliate, and ridicule your intelligence, appearance, or behavior, while simultaneously depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion.
Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. A valid point of view or convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes "funny" or "idiotic" in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but has no substantive objection. Unable to find the strength to attack your reasoning, the narcissist attacks yourself, seeking in every possible way to undermine your authority and question your mental abilities. As soon as insults come into play, you need to interrupt further communication and make it clear that you do not intend to tolerate it.
"Training".
Destructive people teach you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. To this end, they, as it were, accidentally make derogatory statements about your qualities and properties, which they themselves once admired, and also sabotage your goals, spoil your holidays, vacations and weekends. They can even isolate you from friends and loved ones and make you financially dependent on them.
You, as Pavlov's dogs, are essentially "trained", developing in you a fear of doing everything that once made your life rich.
Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other destructive individuals do this to divert all attention to themselves and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely control your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the spotlight all the time. During the idealization phase, you were the center of the narcissist's world - and now the narcissist should be the center of your world.
In addition, narcissists are inherently pathologically jealous and cannot bear the thought that something can shield you even a little from their influence. For them, your happiness represents everything that is not available to them in their emotionally meager existence.
In the hands of a destructive person, "training" is an effective way to get you to tiptoe and always stop halfway to your dream.
Destructive people - carriers of malignant narcissism, psychopathy and antisocial traits - often exhibit inappropriate behavior in relationships, as a result of exploiting, humiliating and offending their partners or partners, family and friends.
They use a variety of distracting maneuvers designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility for what is happening.
Gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a manipulative technique, which is easiest to illustrate with such typical phrases: "There was no such thing", "It seemed to you" and "Are you crazy?"
Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques, because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result, you begin to question the legitimacy of your complaints of abuse and mistreatment.
When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses these tactics against you, you automatically take their side to deal with the cognitive dissonance that has arisen. There are two irreconcilable reactions fighting in your soul: either he is wrong, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the former is completely out of the question, and the latter is the pure truth, testifying to your inadequacy.
The value of outside support is that it can help you break out of the manipulator's distorted reality and see things for yourself.
Projection.
One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person is chronically unwilling to see their own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called a projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to supplant responsibility for one's negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to someone else. Thus, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.
While we all use projection to some degree, clinical narcissistic specialist Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that narcissists often use projection as a form of psychological abuse.
Rather than admitting their own flaws, flaws and wrongdoings, narcissists and sociopaths prefer to blame their own vices on their unsuspecting victims in the most unpleasant and cruel way. Instead of admitting that it would be useful for them to take care of themselves, they prefer to instill a sense of shame in their victims, shifting responsibility for their behavior onto them. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the bitter shame he feels about himself.
For example, a pathological liar might accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband “clingy” in an attempt to make him dependent; a bad employee may call his boss ineffective to avoid talking truthfully about his own performance.
Narcissistic sadists love to play blame shifting. Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, the bottom line - you or the whole world are to blame for everything that happened to them. Thus, you have to nurse their fragile ego, and in return you are pushed into a sea of insecurity and self-criticism. Cool thought up, huh?
As manipulation expert Dr. George Simon writes in In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.
Narcissists at the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in introspection and change. It is important to break off all relationships and connections with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to value yourself. You don't have to live in someone else's dysfunction cesspool.
These are hellishly pointless conversations.
If you hope for thoughtful communication with a destructive person, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will receive an epic brain blockage.
Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, circle conversations, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them. This is done in order to discredit, distract and upset you, distract you from the main topic and make you feel guilty for being a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to be different from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.
Ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist is enough - and you are already wondering how you got involved in this at all. You just disagreed with his ridiculous claim that the sky is red, and now all your childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with mud. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is omnipotent and omniscient, leading to so-called narcissistic trauma.
They love drama and live for it. Trying to find an argument that refutes their ridiculous claims, you are only throwing wood on the fire. Don't feed the narcissists - better feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not with you, but with their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend that time doing something enjoyable.
Generalizations and unfounded statements.
Narcissists do not always boast outstanding intelligence - many of them are not used to thinking at all. Instead of wasting time and sorting out different points of view, they make generalizations based on whatever you say, ignoring the nuances of your reasoning and your attempts to take into account different opinions. And it's even easier to put a label on you - this automatically negates the value of any of your statements.
On a broader scale, generalizations and allegations are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, schemes and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo. Thus, one aspect of the problem is inflated to such an extent that a serious conversation becomes impossible.
For example, when popular personalities are accused of rape, many immediately start screaming that such accusations are sometimes false. And, although false accusations do happen, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while a specific accusation is ignored.
Such everyday manifestations of microaggression are typical of destructive relationships. For example, you tell the narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unfounded statement about your hypersensitivity or a generalization like: "You are always unhappy with everything" or "You are not satisfied with anything at all," instead of paying attention to the actual problem. Yes, you may be hypersensitive at times - but it is equally likely that your abuser is numb and callous most of the time.
Behind the destructive people who scatter unfounded generalizations, there is not all the richness of human experience - only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-esteem.
Deliberate perversion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.
In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your differences of opinion, legitimate emotions and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.
Narcissists make up all sorts of fables, paraphrasing what you say so that your position looks absurd or unacceptable.
Let's say you point out to a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you. In response, he twists your words: "Oh, and we have you, then, perfection itself?" or "So you think I'm bad?" - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to revoke your right to thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you try to set boundaries.
This common distraction is a cognitive distortion called mind reading. Destructive people believe they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening carefully to you. They act accordingly based on their own illusions and delusions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into someone else's mouth, they make you bearers of completely wild intentions and opinions. They accuse you of considering them inadequate before you even comment on their behavior, and this is also a form of proactive defense.
As long as the destructive person has the ability to shift the blame and divert the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to instill in you a sense of shame for the fact that you dared to contradict him in something.
Nagging and changing the rules of the game.
The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" don't have the slightest desire to help you become a better person - they just enjoy nagging, humiliating, and making you a scapegoat. Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths use the sophism called game-changing to ensure they have every reason to be constantly unhappy with you. This is when, even after you have provided all sorts of evidence to support your argument or have taken all possible steps to satisfy their request, they present you with a new demand or want more evidence.
Are you having a successful career? The narcissist will find fault with why you are still not a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be coddled around the clock? Now prove that you can remain "independent." The rules of the game will constantly change and can easily even contradict each other; the sole purpose of this game is to get you to seek the attention and approval of the narcissist.
By constantly raising the bar of expectations or even replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill in you an all-pervading sense of worthlessness and a constant fear of inappropriateness. By highlighting one minor episode or one of your mistakes and inflating it to gigantic proportions, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own merits and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time. It forces you to think about new expectations that you will now have to meet, and as a result, you go out of your way to satisfy any of his requests - and in the end it turns out that he still treats you badly.
Do not get fooled by nagging and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck on some insignificant episode over and over again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to prove that he is right or satisfy his demands, then he is not motivated by a desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to instill in you the feeling that you must constantly strive to earn his approval.
Change of subject to avoid responsibility.
I call this maneuver "What-what-I-Syndrome?"... This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion with the aim of shifting attention to a completely different one. Narcissists do not want to discuss their personal responsibility, so they lead the conversation in the direction they want. Do you complain that he does not devote time to children? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows neither time nor thematic framework and often begins with the words: "And when you ..."
At the public level, these techniques are used to thwart discussions that call into question the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be thwarted if only one of the participants raises a question about another pressing issue, diverting attention from the original dispute.
As noted by Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, specificity is needed for proper consideration and resolution of issues - this does not mean that the topics raised along the way are not important, it just means that for every topic there is its time and its context.
Move the arrows back, say: “I'm not talking about that now. Let's not get distracted. "If it doesn't help, stop the conversation and channel your energy in a more useful direction - for example, find a conversation partner who is not stuck in mental development at the level of a three-year-old.
Hidden and overt threats.
Narcissists and other destructive individuals feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world owes them, a false sense of superiority or colossal pride is questioned by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - while punishing you for not meeting their unattainable expectations.
Instead of maturely resolving differences and seeking compromise, they try to deprive you of the right to your own opinion, trying to teach you to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their requirements. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum, their standard reaction is "do this, otherwise I will do this."
If, in response to your attempts to draw a line or express an excellent opinion, you hear an ordering tone and threats, whether they are veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: you have a man who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never go to compromise.
Insults.
Narcissists preemptively inflate an elephant from a fly, as soon as they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their understanding, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise, inflicts narcissistic trauma on them, leading to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.
In the lowest of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinion or emotions. Harassment is an easy and quick way to offend, humiliate, and ridicule your intelligence, appearance, or behavior, while simultaneously depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion.
Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. A valid point of view or convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes "funny" or "idiotic" in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but has no substantive objection. Unable to find the strength to attack your reasoning, the narcissist attacks yourself, seeking in every possible way to undermine your authority and question your mental abilities. As soon as insults come into play, you need to interrupt further communication and make it clear that you do not intend to tolerate it.
"Training".
Destructive people teach you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. To this end, they, as it were, accidentally make derogatory statements about your qualities and properties, which they themselves once admired, and also sabotage your goals, spoil your holidays, vacations and weekends. They can even isolate you from friends and loved ones and make you financially dependent on them.
You, as Pavlov's dogs, are essentially "trained", developing in you a fear of doing everything that once made your life rich.
Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other destructive individuals do this to divert all attention to themselves and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely control your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the spotlight all the time. During the idealization phase, you were the center of the narcissist's world - and now the narcissist should be the center of your world.
In addition, narcissists are inherently pathologically jealous and cannot bear the thought that something can shield you even a little from their influence. For them, your happiness represents everything that is not available to them in their emotionally meager existence.
In the hands of a destructive person, "training" is an effective way to get you to tiptoe and always stop halfway to your dream.
