Techniques for regulating emotional stress in communication

[Lord777]

REDUCES VOLTAGE:
--izing community with a partner (similarity of goals, interests, emphasis, personality traits, etc.)
- emphasizing the importance of a partner, his opinion in your eyes
- verbalization of the emotional state: your own and your partner
- showing interest in the partner's problems
- presenting the partner with the opportunity to speak out
- immediate admission of their own wrong
- a proposal for a specific way out of the current situation
- appeal to facts
- calm confident speech rate
- maintaining optimal distance, angle of rotation and inclination of the body

INCREASES VOLTAGE:
- emphasizing the differences between yourself and your partner
- belittling a partner, a negative assessment of his personality, belittling the partner's contribution to the common cause and exaggerating one's own
- ignoring the emotional state, your own and your partner
- demonstration of disinterest in the partner's problem
- interrupting a partner
- delaying the moment of admitting that you are wrong or denying it
- search for the guilty and blame the partner
- the transition to "personalities"
- a sharp acceleration of the rate of speech
- avoidance of spatial proximity and eye contact

COMMUNICATION UNDERSTANDING TECHNIQUE

At the training of Japanese managers, 20 minutes after meeting the group, they are asked to write what unites them with each member of the group.

There should be as many lists as there are participants in the group, and each list should include at least ten qualities.

UNDERSTANDING GENERAL TWO CONDITIONS must be met:

1. Revealed similarities should be more pleasant to the partner than unpleasant. That is, characteristics should be perceived as virtues (for example, observation, ingenuity, artistry) or as peculiar traits (for example, dominance, cunning, eccentricity, individualism, etc.). There are some traits that are not flaws, but are perceived as such by those who possess them, for example, shyness, straightforwardness, perseverance, etc. By emphasizing the commonality of these characteristics, you run the risk of touching the "weak string" of the soul.

2. These common features should be relevant to the person's business or personal area of expertise.

For example:
We both want to get this situation resolved.
We both love creative people.
You and I often have "lying" ideas.
What unites us is the speed of consideration.
We are both "tricky" and so on.

TECHNIQUE OF UNDERLINING THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE PARTNER.​

UNDERSTANDING SIGNIFICANCE is an expression of admiration for another person, recognition of his merits and achievements.

Requirements for technique:
- concreteness, conditionality by facts
- sincerity.

The FORMULA of the technique is not “I like you”, but “it seems to me that what you do is valuable”.

Emphasizing significance is not a compliment in the conventional sense of the word. Emphasizing significance is a variant of a positive statement, but with some emotional addition: "I admire ...", "... pride arises," "... respect for you grows," etc.

For example:
- You know, your idea seemed very valuable to me.
- Several times today I recalled how great you answered a question from the audience yesterday.
- I saw your calculations and was just filled with awe!
- Yes, this is work! Super!
- Your lightning speed amazes me!

TECHNIQUE OF VERBALIZATION OF YOUR SENSES AND SENSES OF THE PARTNER​

The following FORMULAS are effective for verbalizing one's own

feelings:
- I am surprised…
- I am upset ...
- I'm uncomfortable ...
- It hurts me ..
- I have some protest ...
- I'm worried ...
- I'm depressed ...

For example:
- How could you not send me workers? Do I have to drag the tables myself?
- Ninochka, I AM SURPRISED ... How could this have happened? After all, I ... and so on.

- Why do you never tell in advance that you have to go to work on the weekend?
- Zinochka, I'm upset ... I am upset that I have to call you, and I am even more upset that you were not informed in advance ...

- Why did you come here? What should you study here? Or are you supposed to watch us here?!
- Kolya, I am very uncomfortable when I hear such assumptions ... very uncomfortable ...

VERBALIZATION OF OWN SENSES is, in fact, I-messages. Verbalization of our own state plays a double role - on the one hand, it informs our partner about our feelings and reduces his stress, and on the other hand, it helps to regulate our own emotional state.

Verbalizing our own NEGATIVE feelings can also be used as a polite form of remarking or asking our partner to stop doing things that are causing us stress.

It is much more difficult to VERBALIZE THE FEELINGS OF A PARTNER. Phrases like “you are outraged” or “you are agitated” can provoke an increase in negative reactions.

The INDIRECT verbalization of the partner's feelings is more effective, for example:
- I agree that this may cause a protest
- I agree that it causes discomfort
- I agree that such a turn of affairs causes unpleasant feelings
- Yes, it is, of course, upsetting.

In DIRECT CONSTATIONS of feelings, it is preferable to use terms that indicate a respectful attitude towards a partner and oneself.

For example,
Instead of “I don't understand,” it's better to say “I'm surprised”
Instead of "You are depressed" it is better to say "You are upset."
Instead of "I am unpleasant" it is better to say "I am uncomfortable"
Instead of "I am disgusted" - "I am outraged"
Instead of “Are you nervous” it's better to say “Are you worried”
Instead of "I'm offended" - "It hurts me"
Instead of "Pisses me off" - "I have a protest"
Instead of "You are angry" - "You are angry"
Instead of "Are you afraid" - "Are you afraid"

Expressing NEGATIVE feelings can be mitigated by using METAPHORS.

Carl Rogers was helped, for example, by such metaphors: “I got a fantasy that you are a princess and you would like it if everyone obeyed you” or “I feel that you are acting both as a judge and an accused in relation to yourself, and speak strictly to yourself: "You are to blame for everything."

Verbalization of feelings can be done using the FORMULA:

"I feel like ..." + metaphor, for example
- In my opinion, you have already forgotten about our yesterday's conversation!
- I feel like a schoolboy answering at the blackboard.
- Are you going to check the documents for the third time?! Are you looking for all the dirty tricks?
- I feel like a defendant in a courtroom.
- How could you call your company that? It gives rise to such strange associations ...
- I feel like Thumbelina in a tulip: she fell and flounders in the flower.

METAPHOR should be bright and at the same time soft, truthful and at the same time humorous, accurate and at the same time respectful.

TYPICAL VERBALIZATION ERRORS and METHODS FOR OVERCOMING THEM:​

1. Emphasizing the commonality that the partner in no case wants to admit to himself ("You and I, both of us do not like it when our tail is pressed ..", "The boss does not consider you and me as people. .. ").

This can be perceived by the interlocutor as a hidden belittling of his personality. A person wants to belong only to the community that is referential for him. Emphasizing a commonality of weaknesses or weaknesses is possible only when it is not perceived as a threat to self-esteem.

It is better to choose formulations in which the shortcomings act as a continuation of the merits ("We are both intolerant of inaccuracies", "Well, we can be harsh with you!").

2. Acting exactly the opposite while emphasizing the importance ("You did it great! I didn't expect from you!", "You performed well today, not like usual!").

This is a hidden belittling of the partner's personality. In fact, a message is conveyed to him that he is usually at a much lower level. Comparisons of the person with himself and with the expectations of him should be avoided.

Better to just say, "You did it great!" or "You performed so well today!"

3. Verbal statements instead of verbalization ("I understand you very well", "I understand you perfectly!"). But as long as the emotion is not named, the person may continue to think that they have actually been misunderstood. In addition, a person wants to be understood just as much as he wants to be understood. The phrase “I understand you perfectly well” in this context can cause fear of exposure.

Therefore, if the state of the interlocutor is not entirely clear or you feel that a struggle of various feelings is taking place in him, then it is better to use neutral-respectful formulations with interrogative intonation ("Are you surprised? ..." , “Do you feel uncomfortable? ...”, “Are you upset? ..”, “You are not yet sure that…?”, Etc.).

4. Verbalization of negative feelings and states that only intensify as a result (“You look tired”, “You look so exhausted”, “You look so scared!”).

Freshness, cheerfulness, a fit look - all these are signs of well-being, testifying to the ability to achieve social success.

Looking tired is a sign of a certain defeat or concession to the difficulties of life. Discussion of such states plunges us into the abyss of negativity.

It is better to use more neutral formulations: "You are concentrated ..", "You are tense ...", "You are afraid", "I see that you are alarmed by something ..", etc.

And finally, in the technique of VERBALIZATION of feelings, it is by no means always a question of negative feelings. In a situation where someone attacks you, it can generate a surge of energy, excitement, and even admiration.

An example from the movie "Tootsie":
Director: I like it so much that you always understand the director's task exactly!
Tootsi: Where do you see the director here?
Director: How I like that you don't let anyone down!

Author: E. Sidorenko. Training of communicative competence in business interaction, 2004

 

[Father]

Emotional endurance​

Often, the conflict is not resolved, but only aggravated due to the emotional type of dispute. It is the tone of the conversation that negates the possibilities of constructive dialogue. Although all parties involved in the conflict experience emotional stress, this is not a reason to talk in a raised voice, not to choose expressions, to be categorical and categorical.
The most important thing in conflict is control of emotions: it is as even tone as possible, restrained accuracy in statements and thoughtful choice of words. Watch out for the absence of outward manifestation of even a hint of irritation.
It is easy to break off if one of the conflicting parties makes groundless accusations and ridiculous claims, insults and demands things that are obviously unfavorable for the other side. Because emotions make it difficult to understand what exactly prompts a person to act in this way.

The following program of actions helps:
1. If the person's response is inadequate and contrary to common sense, switch from an emotional assessment of his behavior. And look for the answer to the question: what underlying problems or needs may it reflect? You may actually be deeply indifferent to why he behaves on the verge of permissible. But it remarkably switches from the desire to respond to the search for rational reasons for such "interesting" behavior. That is, it includes logic.
2. Look at the situation through his eyes: how can he see it from his position, what can he think about the situation as a whole and about your role in it?
3. See yourself through the eyes of another person: maybe you did something that is extremely unpleasant for him, he does not understand something and is angry? If you do not allow yourself to slip into the experience of unpleasant emotions because of his behavior, but start thinking about the emotional reactions of your opponent, you can easily regain control over your emotions.

This will help the rules for controlling emotions in communication:
1. The rule of an impersonal dispute: claims should not go into the hanging of labels that are not very different from insults;
2. Do not judge a person as a person as a whole by one quality, or by his behavior in one particular situation. He could have just lost it.
3. To enable a person to express their point of view on the situation, on the painful aspect of the problem. Don't interrupt it. While he has something to say - let him speak.
4. Look for where and in what you can agree with him. That is, to translate the conflict into a constructive channel.
5. Even before the start of the showdown, decide what you personally want for the future: to prove your innocence, at the cost of spoiled or even broken relations, or to retain the ability to communicate after getting out of the conflict.
6. The argumentation of the provisions put forward by you should not be based on someone's private opinion (even a very authoritative one), but on concrete facts.
7. Do not avoid eye contact with the interlocutor, this stimulates both to choose expressions, although you should not stare at each other point-blank either - you can provoke a fight! Do not shorten the distance or increase it unnecessarily, position yourself in space at a certain angle, and not directly opposite each other.
8. Do not make contact while the opponent is busy with other things. If he sees that he needs to postpone all his affairs in order to resolve the issue with you, because of this alone, he will involuntarily be imbued with some respect for you as a strong person. And in a conflict, this always plays into your hands and a deterrent for him.
9. In the course of the conversation, consistently carry out the main idea. Do not resolve all controversial issues in one conversation.
10. Do not provoke the interlocutor from the very first minutes to look for counterarguments in their defense and to take a defensive position. To do this, do not start clarifying the situation with the most painful and difficult areas of your problems with your opponent. From the point of view of psychology, this is a mistake.
11. In a conflict, focus your attention not on the form, but on the content of what the opponent says and what you yourself say. What is important here, not how.
12. Ask more clarifying questions. This will show the other side that you want to understand the reasons for the misunderstanding, and not quarrel.
13. If the opponent is right, admit it immediately and completely.
14. Answer his arguments first, then bring up your own. It will be a dialogue.
15. Take into account the personality traits of the opponent: adjust your pace of argumentation to the peculiarities of the partner's temperament. Do not speak at a fast pace with a slowed-down conversation partner. Conversely, do not speak too long and slowly with impulsive
16. Use evidence-based reasoning rather than counter-argumentation.
The first is the substantiation of their views and the consistency of conclusions.
The second is the refutation of the views and conclusions of the opponent.
17. Use simple, precise and clear concepts. Do not confuse anyone with cumbersome phrases and obscure terms.
18. Make sure your arguments and facts are credible and easily verifiable.
19. Remember: excessive persuasiveness causes resistance, and 1-2 accurate arguments reach the goal.
20. Follow the thread of the conversation, do not pull phrases out of context and suppress it from the opposing side.
21. Watch your breathing and muscle tension. In the most unpleasant moments of the conversation, be as relaxed as possible and breathe deeply and calmly, then your opponent will not be able to drag you into a scandal, no matter how hard he tries.
These are very simple and effective ways to extinguish the growing emotional tension in the conflict and to show emotional restraint.