State call or how to calibrate and not look like an idiot

[Lord777]

One of the options for describing communication is state management. Both ours and others. All communication is just a journey through states. And the purpose of this journey is to obtain the desired state. True, in the right situation. The state of consent when answering the question "are you ready to sign our agreement right now". Or a state of sexual arousal when looking at you. Or a state of calmness and confidence when describing the alleged conversation with the mother-in-law (mother-in-law). Etc. Any communication goal can be described as "the right state in the right context." Then the strategy for successful communication can be described as:

Get the state you want in any context, and then change the behavior until you get the same state in the right context.

Receiving in any context is for calibration. To know what agreement, surprise, joy, disappointment or delight looks like (and is heard) in this particular person. And getting in what you need is about the signs of the result. That is, if consent (surprise, hatred, falling in love, etc.) in response to your question is a sign of the result - then you got what you wanted.

Because you can get the right reaction in the right context, but this may mean something quite different from what you wanted to get. For example, the “like” reaction to a product does not mean at all that a person is ready to buy it. I like it and maybe I like it - but there is no money.

- I really like Ferrari! But I have no money for it!

And if a lot has been written about how to "change behavior until then", about how to get the desired state in any context is somehow hushed up. It is understood that everyone will figure it out for themselves. Personally, I constantly came across the fact that I would like to have a more detailed description of how this can be done. In real life communication, and not in the context of "Therapist - Client", where you can give a phrase like:

- And now, my dear, remember the situation when you were completely confident in yourself.

Something weakly seems to me that it is possible to give something like a boss. "And now, Yuri Vladimirovich, enter into a state of confidence that you need to raise someone's salary." Yeah, it is not he who will enter, but you will fly out of the office.

So, I would like to make this beautiful formula more viable. So after all, how to get the desired state at least somewhere for any reason. And at the same time, do it so as not to look like a complete idiot asking completely stupid questions. That is, so as to fit into the situation and so that your behavior is fully consistent with the situation.

In addition, getting the "desired state in any context" is still needed to set the anchor. In real life situations, access to the desired state is generally one of the most important steps in anchoring. Well, it's clear - if there is no access state, then there is nothing to anchor.

Consent - Disagreement​

First, about a couple of very important states: agreement and non-agreement. In general terms, it is quite simple here: if you say what corresponds to the person's card, he agrees. If your words contradict his ideas, he does not agree.

But how exactly to get into the map if the person is unfamiliar? Several tricks.

Name​

For example, if you want to obtain consent for calibration, what questions can you ask? Well, one of the easiest ways is to ask the person for their name. People have a pretty funny habit - when you ask them about their name and guess, they agree.

- Hello, Volodya!

Even if you just use this to get attention:

- Olya, ... please tell me ...

After the appeal, there will be a nod of the head and other signs of agreement. Well yes, yes, that's my name!

But the denial is worse here. Well, you can ask Olga whether her name is Ivan Petrovich, and you will even get a clear disagreement ... But your trust in you will drop sharply. Well, people appreciate their own names. And they treat badly those who constantly confuse them. Of course, you can as an option:

- Didn't they call you Peter as a child?

But in my opinion, this is too rude.

True, you can play with contexts. You look at Olga, and:

- Irina ... wanted to tell us ...

After Irina, you will be told that you are wrong, but having understood the full meaning of the phrase, you will be forgiven. If you end with something like:

- Irina ... wanted to tell us important news. How do you look at this, Olya?

In short, a name is an extremely valuable thing for a person. And if with its help it is quite easy to obtain a state of consent, then it is better to try other methods to calibrate the disagreement.

Rhetorical questions and truisms​

Rhetorical questions are those that don't need an answer. Verbally. But people have a habit of giving a non-verbal answer: - Yes, I agree!

- Do you want to achieve success in life?

It is unlikely that someone will begin to give you back in response that they say no, I want to be unhappy and poor.

However, if you do come across such a thing, you can clearly calibrate the negation. And then the bread.

- Have you already come?

This also includes truisms - that is, those statements that are completely true for everyone. So to speak, banal truths.

- Yes, people change over time.

- Some are lucky in life (unlucky).

- It's warmer in summer than in winter.

Phrase return​

One of the simplest techniques is to return a phrase. This is sometimes called a paraphrase.

- We believe that we cannot do this.

- Did I understand correctly that you think that you cannot do this?

Guess what you get back.

Naturally, how to say - with what non-verbal language is very influential on the answer. Because you can return it in such a way that the interlocutor can decide that you are either feeble-minded or are making fun of him. So choose intonation so that it matches the conversation: doubt, question, reasoning ...

You can also think of it as a return to the topic of conversation:

- We doubt it.

...

- So you are in doubt.

You can also imagine this as a generalization of what has been said:

- Did I understand correctly that ...

Next are the phrases of the interlocutor. Necessarily in his words.

What can be checked​

Another way to accurately hit (or not get) into the map is to ask questions that a person can get a sensory answer right here.

- Is this wallpaper yellow?

- Do you have a watch on your right hand?

You ask a question - and the person immediately checks. Yes, the clock is on the right. No, the walls are not yellow, but rather gray.

What is good about this method - here you can play with the choice.

- Do you have a black jacket ... or gray?

While you are saying the phrase, there will be two answers - "agree" and "disagree". And you just need to calibrate them carefully.

- Is this Sony TV ... or Panasonic?

Only before the "or" is it necessary to give the person time to receive an answer - let him look, listen. As soon as you notice that he already understood that the Sony TV (or Panasonic) - finish the phrase. And you will immediately get calibration and "agree" and "disagree".

Already know​

And, naturally, a good way to get into the map is to ask a question about what you know for sure. Do not assume on the basis of logical calculations - namely, you know.

- Are you married? (Well, the wedding ring is on your finger).
- Do you drive? (From the window you can see that he arrived by car).
- Did you vacation in Spain this year? (All ears have already buzzed about this Spain).

Other conditions​

What was written above is suitable only for very specific states of "consent" - "disagreement". It is clear that this is one of the most common calibrations, but what to do if something else is needed. For example, confidence or annoyance.

Irritation may be needed, for example, if you want to change the interlocutor's attitude towards a competing firm.

Here are several approaches (or tricks) on how to access the desired state.

Naturally, not all of them can be used in every situation - it is important here that you can choose a method for the context. So that your behavior is completely natural and congruent, beautifully and skillfully fits into the situation.

Wait for him to enter himself​

The easiest way is just to wait until the Client himself enters into a state that suits you. That is, this is a passive way. Plus, like any passive method, you don't do anything on purpose. This is convenient when communication takes place in the form of a monologue. Or when you calibrate from video.

On the other hand, if you can spend a fair amount of time with the person, this is a great way to calibrate the most important states and anchor them. You just have to be careful enough. And take advantage of the situation.

In my group there was a young man who immediately announced that he came to study with only one purpose - to raise his salary. Here he was, he was, and then he says:

"After I found out about the anchors, I did the following: as soon as the boss began to praise someone, I straightened the tie. I did it, then I somehow forgot. And recently we were standing with the boss in the smoking room , about something we talk, and I completely spontaneously straighten my tie. The boss hangs for a second, looks at me and says: - Igor, can you raise your salary?

Offer to enter the required state​

Then there are active ways to call a state when you take some action to get a result.

The most straightforward one is to ask the Client to enter the state the Operator needs. The disadvantage is the most common - it is difficult to apply in real life. Although you can.

The request to enter the desired state is one of the most frequently used when working in the context of "Therapist - Client". For example, during a session with a Client, you can do it like this:

- Petya, I would like you to find a way to feel joy. When this feeling reaches its maximum, please let me know.

This method will work well, for example, in a situation where you need the Client to trust you. Suppose a person comes to a lawyer. I would like him to be more frank and open, and trust the lawyer more. Then you can do something like the following (I hope the lawyers won't eat me):

- Usually there is a relationship of trust between a lawyer and his client. We need to trust each other. Remember this state, feel it as much as possible ...

It is important that the phrase is in context and sounds normal for a given Client.

Likewise, you can induce a state of interest:

- If we want to achieve success, it is important that you are interested in the successful completion of the case, so that I can be sure that you will not give up after the first obstacle. Just remember this feeling and get into it as deeply as possible ...

- Why all these phrases "usually between a lawyer", "if we want to achieve"?

This is a common adjustment. If you can immediately offer the Client to enter the desired state in such a way that he will do it easily and without suspicion, then this is great! If this is the case, you can simply say:

“I need you to remember the state of trust right now.

This can sometimes work. However, if it does not work, you will have to spend a lot of effort in order to restore rapport. And asking to "start trusting" (or whatever you need it to be) will work as an excellent anchor for distrust.

The next option is to offer to remember the situation in which the most likely was a suitable state.

Here it can be divided into two cases - in the first, you know about a specific situation, in the second, you propose to find something suitable for the given description.

The next option is to invite the Client to recall a situation in which he experienced the state you need (if you are sure that he experienced the desired state there):

- Ivan Petrovich, remember, last year, when you were in Munich ...

You can also ask him to describe the situation when the Client was in the right state:

- Olya, how did you fall in love for the first time? Tell ...

Or, alternatively:

- Whenever we all fell in love for the first time ...

You can also simply describe a typical situation in which people usually experience the desired state:

- It was like this with you: they begin to explain something to you in detail, but you don't understand anything?

Or a conversation between a husband and wife.

- Expensive. Do you remember last year at Christmas ...

- I wanted to ask you. Do you remember, last year, when we went with the Ivanovs to pick mushrooms, then in the forest. What was Peter talking about then?

- Look at this photo. Remember we then ...

Good. Situation: speaking to an audience.

- And with the audience, most likely it will not work.

Why. It will not work if the audience has absolutely no story. If you communicate with her for at least fifteen minutes, and they have adjusted to each other a little, then, most likely, there were situations that you can remember. Moreover, you can create them yourself.

- Remember I told you yesterday ...

Okay, these were all variants with the situation that you know. Now options for when you are not aware of a specific situation . As you can imagine, it is necessary to speak quite general here.

- Was there a situation in your life when you really felt calm and relaxed?

Or:

- Everyone has a situation in life in which he feels confident.

Evoke the desired reaction​

Another way: you can cause the desired reaction . Tell a joke and get a laugh (if the joke is funny). Begin to listen very carefully to what is happening outside the door and get a state of intense auditory attention. Insult him - and you will get ... Well, this is not for everybody.

Once a woman turned to us, who, according to her, could never say what she wanted and assert herself, she could not attract the attention of other people. And her work, interestingly, was related to teaching self-affirmation. She could not regularly see a therapist as this would ruin her reputation. We asked her to wait a minute, and we ourselves retired to discuss the situation, having discussed, we began to look through the magazines and did this for two and a half hours, until she flew in rage to say: "If you will take care of me right now! ... and etc.

Richard Bandler, John Grinder. "From frogs to princes".

If I need the attention of the audience, I can, for example, start speaking more and more quietly. Gradually, the entire audience will intently listen to what I am saying. The only problem is that it is impossible to hold attention in this way for a long time.

Concept​

Words are just "links" to specific pieces of experience. A person, in order to understand what stands, for example, behind the word sadness, needs to enter a sad state. It may not be for long, but it will be. Let's do a little calibration now.

Ira, say the word happiness to yourself. And now the word is sadness. And now the word is joy. Ira, now say any of these words inside yourself. What was she saying inside herself now?

- Joy.

How did you know about this?

- When she was asked to say the word happiness inside herself, her breathing became deeper, her lips relaxed; when she was asked to say sadness, the corners of her lips dropped, the direction of her gaze was down, her breathing became more intense and shallow; when she uttered joy within herself, her breathing became deeper again, but more intense than with happiness, her skin reddened a little, and a smile appeared.

Look, I'm not asking her to enter the desired state, to tell a story. I just invite her to say a word to herself - and we see a very clear reaction. When they listen to you it will be the same. Only the "immersion" time will be shorter. Therefore, if you want to anchor you need to be very careful and calibrate the Client's condition well. You say a word - a person will have very little, both in intensity and in time, access to the desired state. This is where you need to anchor. Moreover, it must be something fast - to get to the peak of the state.

- Can you just anchor with intonation when pronouncing a word?

Most likely it will not work - a person needs time to access the state. It is quite possible that he will have a peak state at the end of the utterance of the word, if he recognizes it quickly, and maybe even at the moment when you utter the next word. In any case, it's better to focus on calibration. If you are afraid of not being in time - take a short pause - the person will most likely remain in the right state.

- Singing, you know, sadness, - pause, calibrate or anchor - is not the feeling that I would like to experience often.

A variation on this theme is a sentence to describe the state:

- How would you describe the state of happiness.

Only here the entry will be deeper. Because a person, in order to find the words, needs to thoroughly immerse himself in the experience.

But in any case, there must be a calibration. Feedback.

Adjustment and maintenance​

Here you use yourself: you adjust, and by changing your own state, you lead the Client to the desired state. If you want to get a state of calmness, you adjust to the Client and gradually slow down your speech, make your own breathing calmer and muscles more relaxed ... And if you need excitement, aggression, you gradually make your voice louder, clearer , breathing accelerates, muscle tone increases, the movements become sharper ... And so on.

Everything here is completely on the Operator - he manages the state of the Client exclusively through his own state. Naturally, you can also help with words.

Instructions​

Another way is to provide detailed instructions for entering the state. You know, there are friends who call and tell in great detail the process of how their throat got sore (head, leg or other organs of the body). And the one with whom they "share the problem" with a high degree of probability can also get all this sick. When a sequence of experiences is told, many people experience them. And they end up in the final state. This instruction can be furnished as you like: a story about yourself, a question, a story, a legend, but inside there is always a clear instruction on how to get there.

- Imagine, I'm reading this book, and I feel how everything inside calms down, the head becomes clearer, the body becomes so relaxed ...

- Walked, walked Ivan along the river bank, tired and thoughtful. He sat down and began to remember the first time he saw Natasha. He was walking down the street and suddenly something stopped him. He sees a girl walking towards him. It seems nothing special, only my heart suddenly pounded, sweat on my forehead, heaviness in my head and cotton legs. And you breathe like a locomotive. And you can see only one of her - everything else is in a fog.

- Igor, it was like this with you: everything is tense inside, there is a noise in my head, breathing is heavy ...

In order to give instructions, you yourself need to imagine this sequence quite accurately. If you give instructions, they should be clear and consistent.

And what is also extremely useful is not just to speak, but also to enter this state yourself. That is, this method well complements "adjustment and guidance", and adds congruence.

- How does this method differ from "remember the situation"?

This is all a very conditional division. In "remembering the situation" the Client tells you more, and in "giving instructions" it is the Operator's task. Naturally, there is no clear boundary here: the Operator can first motivate the Client to tell the story, or vice versa, the Client, in response to the request, starts the story, and the Operator simply "steers" this story in the right direction.

Play anchor​

The next way is to reproduce the anchor that triggers the state you want. It is very reliable and fast. If there is such an anchor. That is, either someone (for example, you) has already installed it, or it is a natural anchor.

If you installed it yourself, then you need to use the anchor to access the state only in two cases: you either forgot the calibration and want to remember it, or the stimulus is not very successful and you want to re-anchor to something more acceptable. Everything else is already using the anchor for change (integration, collapse, overlay, etc.).

If someone else put it, then it's understandable. You just need to use the anchor you already know and just look at the result.

- You know, when my husband hears this song, he immediately becomes so peaceful ...

- My boss is a strange person. If they call her Olenka, she instantly falls into a rage.

And there were natural anchors - those that life, school, family and television so successfully instructed us. Well, this is your experience and imagination ...

7 variants​

If we just give everything as a list, then we get the following:

1. Wait until he enters.
2. Offer to enter (situation + directly).
3. Induce a reaction.
4. Concept.
5. Adjustment and maintenance.
6. Instruction (story, detailed description, personal story, etc.).
7. Play the anchor.

Anchors and calibration​

Naturally, there will be some difference when you need to get a state in order to calibrate or anchor. If calibrating is enough for you, you can even use video recording. But remember the 3x3 rule: three features that are repeated at least three times . Accordingly, it is advisable to access the desired state at least three times: then you can be fairly sure that these signs refer specifically to this state, and did not get here by accident. After all, it can be like: you asked to remember the situation, the person remembered, his associations started and he went somewhere inside himself. And the state that you saw in him, although it came after your words, can refer to something completely different.

- Remember the situation when you were satisfied.

And the internal dialogue of the Client:

- Was satisfied. Satisfied. I remember Andrei and I once sat with a beer, I was so pleased. That's just in the morning. This is a vile state ...

The client went to associations and ...

The second option - a person remembers only the proposed situation, but there may be a bunch of different experiences for him. And what relates to the desired state, and what to everything else, you cannot immediately understand.

That is why you need to enter the Client into the desired state several times in order to compare the signs. And, of course, it is desirable that the situations (or methods) be different. Otherwise, in the same situation, most likely the state will be the same. But is it necessary or not?

With anchors harder. You, in addition to calibrating the state, still need to anchor. And this, in a life situation, is not so simple. You need to put it at its peak. And therefore, first it is desirable to calibrate the state, to understand what its peak looks like, and only then, if you have time, to anchor. And if they did not have time - to enter again.

If you are going to anchor something, the video is out. Only personal contact. And provided that you can put an anchor - that is, the Client occasionally looks at you or you can make a sound that he can hear (you can usually only dream of touching).

- Why anchor if, for example, you can adjust and lead?

It takes time to tune and guide, and the anchor is almost instantaneous. Secondly, it is easy to adapt and the story is not always possible ...

And if you know that a person already has an anchor for the state you need, but it is not convenient enough to use, you can call him and set a more convenient anchor (re-anchor). Suppose that a certain song causes euphoria and a strong uplift in the Client, but it is not very convenient to play it all the time, especially during a conversation. Then, at the moment when he listens to this song (with your direct participation) and enters deep enough into the state of euphoria so desirable to you, you set a more convenient anchor to use: touch his hand or lightly drum with your fingers.

Otherwise, there is not much difference between calling the state for calibration or anchoring. You get access to the desired state - the only question is how to use it.