Scheme of working through an offense: what the offense consists of, why is it needed and how to cope with it on your own

[Teacher]

Most often, a person hides an offense not only from others, but also from himself. It is embarrassing and embarrassing to be offended. After all, everyone knows: insults must be forgiven. Well, of course, because they carry water to the offended, only fools are offended. A mature, reasonable person does not show any offense to anyone, does not even experience such feelings. And who (for now) is feeling offended - take the esoteric course "Forgive yourself and others" and learn to wish well to all offenders. Well, that's if you believe Instagram.

Religion also calls for “forgiving enemies” and praying for them. Say, they do not know what they are doing, you need to be above this and not hold a stone in your bosom. Therefore, a person experiencing an offense is likely to additionally experience a little awkwardness and shame: how am I so, you cannot be offended, what a wrong I am. Immature, unspiritual, unkind. And, more often than not, he will hide his feelings not only from others, but also from himself. And she will not tell the psychologist directly: here, I am offended. And most likely it will prove: this and that - it was wrong, not fair. This one and that did to me badly, dishonestly, not in good conscience

Instead of simply and honestly saying, "I'm sorry."

What is resentment?

This is a complex feeling, it consists of at least two elements: merging with another person and violated expectations (another person was expected to behave or feel differently). That is, you want the other person to change their feelings and actions. Nor is desire expressed directly, in an active or aggressive form.

Sounds confusing? Let me explain now.

Why do people get offended?

The feeling of resentment is such that it is experienced only towards someone who is close, who at least in some way trusted and expected something from him. It is impossible to take offense at a stranger or stranger: a saleswoman in a store, a janitor, a fellow traveler in a subway car. They are nobody to you, nothing connects you with them. You do not expect anything from strangers, unimportant to you, except for the usual standard politeness. As soon as resentment arises, it is clear that I expected something from another person, the other did not live up to my expectations, and I was offended by this.

For example:

I thought that they would write me a prize, but I was bypassed! I tried so hard, invested so much in the project, and no one noticed. And Ivanov was given the prize ...

I do so much around the house: cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, wiping - and all this is taken for granted. And I am a human being, not a hybrid of a dishwasher and a vacuum cleaner.

Friends devote little time, does not want to communicate with me, walk, talk, sit in a cafe ... He likes to hang around at home and watch his stupid serials more. Or walk with Masha.

Grown up children rarely visit their parents. And when they come in, they will sit for an hour and run. They will not really dine (and my grandmother tried, cooked), they will not stay longer. They don't like, they don't appreciate, they don't care.

My parents have always been cruel to me. They did not perceive me as a person, did not instill in me a sense of my own worth, suppressed my initiatives and did not develop my talents. Now I can not achieve anything in life and languish in a stupid unloved job.

How could he? They did not expect such behavior from him ...

Resentment for the whole world: why is it all for some, and nothing for others? Why can some people eat and not get fat, while I consider calories as crazy? Why does someone have wealthy and loving parents and all the blessings from birth, and I have to work hard like a donkey so as not to die of hunger?

See? In all these situations, other people do something wrong, or feel something wrong. I want him to do this and that, so that he would feel this and that for me. And he does it wrong (not necessarily to my detriment - he just does what he thinks is right, then he does). And he does not appreciate, does not love, does not respect me - but I want it so much! That is, I take offense when a person close to me does something not what I expected from him and feels something not the way I would wanted to. Doesn't give me something. It does not correspond to my ideas about how everything should be done in the world. At the same time, it is important: the other person is close and dear to me in some way. I cannot afford to be cruel to him, to throw him out of my life. Fuck me the same outside saleswoman - I'll put this scoundrel in her place. Ignore me, a government employee - I'll get angry I can say aggressive evil things or try to annoy him (by complaining to his superiors, for example). But if my mother or friend ignores me, I will be offended. They are important people to me, I expect that I will be important to them too!

And I'm offended.

And what do the offended do? Right! No, they don't carry water - they blow their lips, frown, defile in front of the offender with a gloomy look and demonstrate in every possible way: “Well, ask me, ask what I am offended! OK, ask."

What for? What are they trying to achieve?

They want the other person to change their feelings or actions. And in pouting lips, drooping shoulders, in sullen looks, the message is read: “I don't like what you are doing. I want you to change. To give me more of what I am counting on. But to scandal and knock out what I want is somehow dangerous for me. It is fraught with rupture and complete separation. And this is scary and I don't want to. Therefore, I will silently and indirectly show that I feel bad: walking, pouting, pretending to be sad and depicting suffering. If I am important to you (and I hope I am!), You will fix everything. You will feel what I want and you will act with me as I need ”.

Does it work? Not always, of course.

Resentment is a blocked direct aggression

You see, resentment is always the lot of the one who is in a relationship of merging and is not able to get out of them (cannot, does not want, is afraid, etc.). In a merger, any disagreement is always fraught with a terrible consequence for the merged one - a breakup, leaving and a complete loss of relations with another person. Losing a relationship with someone you are merging with is very scary! This is too expensive a fee. But ... and the actions of the other I do not like! I don't like the way the other behaves!

Therefore, resentment is a very childish, childish feeling. A child is always weak and always very dependent on an adult (by definition). But the feelings and emotions of children are very strong and bright! Therefore, the child is often offended: mom did not cook cheesecakes for breakfast, but pancakes are an insult. Masha from the kindergarten group does not want to play with me, does not share dolls - an insult. Dad promised to go to the zoo on the weekend, but he could not, he was called to work - an insult! And what can a child really do? He does not have the opportunity to fry syrniki himself (he cannot yet), to buy a ticket to the zoo himself (there is no money, and he will not be allowed into the transport alone). And there is no way to influence the behavior of the insidious, albeit charming Masha.

An adult himself solves his problems and provides his own needs. He has strength and capabilities. And if the pretty Masha ignores it over and over again, the adult understands: what, it seems, she doesn't like me as much as it seemed to me. And it looks like I need other girlfriends. That is, an adult can solve even a situation with a disconcerting relationship on his own.

The child, on the other hand, is weak and has very few resources of his own. Therefore, he gradually tries to influence the other. But so as not to spoil the relationship completely. Therefore, one has to act weakly and passively. In indirect and manipulative ways.

They take offense only at loved ones

So, one more time.

Resentment is when:

The person with whom I am merging has not given me something (feelings or actions)

I suffer and I want him to change

But to say directly - I'm scared (there is a fear that the other will not like it and he will leave, break off the relationship)

So I will do indirect actions. Hint. Try to influence little by little. Show how hurt and suffering I am.

Therefore, yes, resentment is the lot of people who either do not have enough of their resources, or, as psychologists call it, “do not have access to their resources” - they have banned themselves, blocked. They are guided by some unhealthy attitudes like "you can not get divorced, I can not leave a child without a father" or "if I get fired, I will never find a normal job."

An adult normally has access to his open aggression. This does not always mean that an adult will start a fight and a scandal if he does not like something (rather the opposite). But this always means that not resentment will arise, but dissatisfaction, irritation, anger. Which, by the way, would normally be better expressed in a different, not necessarily aggressive way. But if an adult doesn't like something, then anger will be a normal feeling, and not reproachful resentment.

For example, here's an example: elderly parents pester an adult son. Mom constantly demands from him that he come to the dacha for the weekend ("You will rest here, breathe some air!"). And he knows that the day off at the dacha is hard labor with a shovel and a hoe, and my mother's endless instructions on exactly where we will plant radishes. This is not a rest, this is another work shift. But to say: "No, mom, I will not come" - right there from my mother a fatal insult.

And the son, grinding his teeth, goes to spend the only long-awaited day off, bending over the beds with carrots and dill. If an adult son were aware of what seems to be a real danger for him, “Mom will be offended, she will suffer, her heart will ache,” or “Dad will not talk,” he would understand. that he himself is in a merger, that he does not feel entitled to dispose of his resources and that parental discontent seems to him mortally dangerous and frightening. ("The consequences of my actions will be terrible! Mom will die if I do not come!")

And for a small child, the picture of illness and death of parents is the strongest fear, embedded deep in the unconscious. After all, humanity lives in civilized conditions for a few tens of years, and before that our ancestors lived in the forests for thousands and millions of years. And here for a little cub to be left without parental care and care - literally meant death.

That is, if you feel resentment, this is an indicator of blocked direct aggression, indirect conflict. So, deep down in your soul, you are sure that you cannot directly state your needs or demand to change your behavior! Dangerous. Fearfully. There will be HORRIBLE consequences (of course, in a child's infantile representation - terrible). There is a breakup, a breakup, a loss that cannot be survived (in fantasies, the breakup is terrible, of course). Therefore, all that remains is to take offense, manipulate and try to indirectly influence the other.

And yet another interesting consequence follows from the key characteristics of resentment. Once offense = MERGER + INDIRECT ATTEMPT TO CHANGE ANOTHER, this means:

Taking offense at another is one of the ways to keep in touch with another person after a breakup and breakup (for example, a way not to grow up and not go through separation for grown children; a way to maintain an invisible connection with a divorced ex-spouse; a way to cherish dreams of omnipotence by planning revenge on a longtime abuser etc.).

Letting go of resentment means growing up. Here you can either get out of the merger and understand that the other may have any plans for life that are not similar to mine. Or try to openly express your needs, risking that the other will decide to break off the relationship. Either way, the merge will automatically break. Maybe an open conflict will begin, maybe just a breakup and parting, but there will be no more resentment and passive aggression.

But the advice “not to be offended” (ie, not to feel your feelings), “to forgive the offense” - they are about infantilism. They urge you to choose the illusion of fusion and give up your needs and aspirations. To tell a lie to myself, “but it didn't hurt, and I wanted to” (“green grapes”). Ignore your desires, which you have and which the other has rejected. “Not being offended” means choosing not to grow up. Imagine yourself from above and mercifully “forgive”, that is, allow the other to behave as he was going to.

Strong and grown-up people do not have grudges. There are frustration, anger, rage, conflict, quarrel, and many other unpleasant emotions. But the feeling of resentment is a sign of a sudden attack of infantility. The feeling that I was counting on someone else (and he! How could he !!!). And yes, it seems, it's time to admit that since I am offended, I feel too weak to force another to do as I want; so I'm offended.

How to work through a grudge​

Step 1. First, admit to yourself that you are offended.

Even this step is extremely difficult for many people. Instead of saying: “I feel offended,” a person tells what villains around them, how they did wrong, describes the injustices of this world, complains about an evil fate, complains. It clearly demonstrates how unfairly he was treated - after all, objectively unfair? However, it does not openly claim. He only grows gloomy, suffers, suffers and complains.

Therefore, the first point is to take responsibility for your own feelings and say: I FEEL OFFENSED.
Put aside the concept of fairness / injustice. Maybe others had the right to do what they did. But, in any case, I was offended. On them and their such behavior.

Step 2. State your needs out loud.

At least name myself. And honestly. Not as usual: "In this office where I work, only sycophants and favorites are promoted" - so what? Yes, a bad office, but why are you personally so hurt by the order they have established? Formulating a request through “I want to receive” is dangerous and painful. Even if you do not voice it to your boss, but at least name it out loud to yourself. “I want my work to be recognized as valuable and important, to raise my salary and to promote Ivanov instead of this mediocrity” - this sounds completely different. Very straightforward - and therefore quite aggressive. And for most of the "habitual offenders", as we remember, there is a ban on open manifestation of aggression, so this stage looks very frightening and dangerous. What, just say so, right about what I want? This is arrogant, rude and uncivilized. Fi.

Step 3. From the perspective of an adult, make a decision about what to do.

An adult is usually aware that no one should fulfill his personal wishes, that the world is unfair, and people are selfish. (The writer Stanislav Jerzy Lec gave an excellent definition: “An egoist is one who thinks about himself more than about me.” From this point of view, the world is inhabited by only continuous egoists, a nightmare!). An adult is one who understands his own (and others ') boundaries and is able to weigh and compare his own and others resources.