Psychological Games - Ruthless and Merciless

[Teacher]

An approach in psychology that suggests treating interactions between people as psychological games began to develop in the 1960s. It became especially popular after the publication of a book by Eric Berne entitled Games People Play.

There are many types of psychological games. Some of them are harmless, for example, the game Greetings ("Hello, how are you?", "Great, what about you?" ... There are also less harmless games that are not intended (unlike the same Greetings) in order to make interaction easier and more enjoyable. Such games do not allow relationships to develop and go to another level - deeper and more meaningful. There are also truly destructive games that a person can play for the sake of power, the ability to manipulate others , and so on. They may look harmless and spontaneous communication, but in fact they have a specific goal, which is pursued by at least one participant in the game.

Manipulation in the course of a psychological game can be conscious and unconscious. So, someone deliberately manipulates other people, and someone does not even understand that he is a manipulator - this happens especially often with children, but an adult can also act based on his own desires, and without thinking about how his words and actions can influence others.

Here are some of the common games played by adults:

Injection.

During this game, the manipulator places the other person in a situation in which everything he does will be wrong. In other words, a person is driven into a corner, and when he tries to get out of there, the exit paths are cut off over and over again. For example: a husband convinces his wife to throw a party at home for his colleagues, arguing that all wives do this. She agrees, the party took place, and the wife almost got out of the corner (where she stood with the stigma that she was worse than other wives), but then her husband drives her back with the words: “You served the wrong food - didn't you know that is my boss vegetarian? "or“ Why didn't you use paper plates? Nobody uses porcelain for barbecue ”- and so on. Another example: the mother accuses the teenager of always being dirty in his room, and when he finishes cleaning asks: "And why did you clean up for so long?" There are plenty of opportunities to keep a person in the corner all the time, fueling their guilt and lowering their self-esteem more and more. It is easy to guess that this can lead to severe psychological consequences.

Tell me about your problems.

With such a proposal, the initiator of the game forces the other person to admit his weaknesses. An external motive is a desire to help, but the initiator will use the recognition for his own purposes. Example: A husband tells his wife about a situation at work that had good consequences for him, but did not end well for his colleague, although it was not the husband's fault. The wife makes her husband admit with various hints and questions that he is unfriendly towards this colleague. Later, she may tell other people a modified story that her husband deliberately made trouble for a work colleague, adding that he is generally quite envious and angry, and making it clear that without her influence, he could be even worse. In this example, the wife uses play only to influence the how she looks in the eyes of others (an almost heroic woman, capable of keeping a potential aggressor under control), but, of course, material benefit can be derived from other people's confessions. (It should be remembered that not all people who invite you to share their problems are playing insidious psychological games).

Do it for me.

A person wants to get or do something, but he seeks that this desire is fulfilled for him by another person. For example, if a wife is not fed up with having dinner at her husband's parents every week, she can tell him directly. However, if she decides to play the "do it for me" game, she will say something like, "Darling, maybe we shouldn't go to your parents today?" You still need to write a report, and if you go to dinner, you won't have time to sleep. "The husband agrees, deciding that he himself does not want to go to his parents, although in fact he fulfills his wife's desire. Another common variation of this game is parents' attempts to force their children to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams. They can enthusiastically tell children how wonderful it is to play football, make music, or paint,

That's your decision.

A game with this general name is used to absolve oneself of responsibility for certain decisions. One partner says to the other: "Whatever you decide, it will suit me," or "You understand this better than me, you decide." In fact, the person playing this game is very worried about the consequences of the decision, but he does not want to answer for them. Parents very often play this game, shifting decisions concerning children onto the shoulders of the partner. If everything goes well, no one will say anything, and if something goes wrong, you can always blame the spouse who made the decision.

The trial is underway.

This game is usually played by spouses in the presence of a third party. As a rule, one of the spouses blames the other, and the other defends himself, but they can exchange and mutual accusations. Communication during such a game is directed at the “judge” rather than at each other, and the spouses are more interested in him acquitting one of them than in finding a solution to the problem.

Victim.

The initiator of this game poses as a victim, making it clear in every possible way that he is being mistreated, or that he has invested much more in the relationship than his partner. “I gave you the best years of my life” is a classic phrase of a woman who plays a victim. However, not only women can do this. A man can constantly complain to his wife and other family members about how much he has to work and how tired he is, and at the same time emphasize that he provides for the whole family (even if he is not alone), and he should only rest at home. and in general it must be protected. The goal of the “victim” is to make loved ones feel guilty, which will make them easier to manipulate.