Karpman's triangle

[Lord777]

Alexander Vakurov in his article tries to expand and deepen the understanding of the roles in the classical magic triangle of relations (it is also sometimes called the triangle of power) - Karpman's triangle “Aggressor - Victim - Savior”.

There is a triangle of relations - the so-called Karpman Triangle, consisting of three vertices:

• Savior
• Aggressor
• Victim

This triangle is also called magic, since it is worth getting into it, so its roles begin to dictate to the participants choices, reactions, feelings, perception, sequence of moves, and so on. And the most important thing is that the participants freely “float” in this triangle in terms of roles. The Victim very quickly turns into a Persecutor (Aggressor) for the former Savior, and the Savior very quickly becomes a Victim of the former Victim.

For example, there is someone suffering from something or someone (this “something” or “someone” is the Aggressor). And the sufferer (sufferer) is like the Victim. The Victim quickly finds the Savior (or saviors), who (for various reasons) tries (or rather, tries) to help the Victim. Everything would be fine, but the Triangle is magical, and the Victim does not need to get rid of the Aggressor at all, and the Savior does not need the Victim to stop being a victim. Otherwise, she will not need him. What is a Savior without sacrifice? The victim will be “healed”, “get rid of”, who will then be saved? It turns out that both the Savior and the Victim are interested (unconsciously, of course) in the fact that in fact everything remains the same. The victim must suffer, and the Savior must help.

Everyone is happy:

• The Victim receives his share of attention and care, and the Savior is proud of the role he plays in the life of the Victim.
• The Sacrifice pays the Savior with recognition of his merits and role, and the Savior pays the Sacrifice for this with attention, time, energy, feelings, etc.

So what? - you ask. Still happy! No matter how it is! The triangle does not stop there. It is not enough for the victim that she receives . She begins to demand more and more and to withdraw the attention and energy of the Savior. The Savior tries (on a conscious level) but fails. Of course, on an unconscious level, he is not interested in helping FINALLY, he is not a fool to lose such a tasty process! He does not succeed, his condition and self-esteem (self-esteem) decrease, he becomes ill, and the Victim continues to wait and demand attention and help.

Gradually and imperceptibly, the Savior becomes a Victim, and the former Victim becomes the Persecutor (Aggressor) for his former Savior. And the more the Savior invested in the one he was saving, the more, by and large, he owes her more. Expectations are growing, and he MUST meet them. The former victim is increasingly unhappy with the Savior who “did not live up to her expectations”. She is more and more confused about who the aggressor really is. For her, the already former Savior is to blame for her troubles. Somehow, a transition occurs imperceptibly, and already almost consciously she is dissatisfied with the former benefactor, and already blames him almost more than the one whom she previously considered her Aggressor.

The former Savior becomes a deceiver and a new Aggressor for the former Victim, and the former Victim arranges a real hunt for the former Savior. But that is not all. The former idol is defeated and overthrown.

The victim is looking for new Saviors, because her number of Aggressors has increased - the former Savior did not live up to expectations, by and large, deceived her, and must be punished. The former Savior, being already a Victim of his former Victim, exhausted in attempts (no, not to help, he is now worried about only one thing - to be able to escape from the “victim”) - begins (already as a true victim) to look for other saviors - both for himself and for his former Victim. By the way, these can be different Saviors - for the former savior and the former victim.

The circle is expanding . Why is the triangle called magic that:

1.Each participant is in all its corners (plays all the roles in the triangle);

2. The triangle is designed in such a way that it involves more and more members of the orgy.

The former Savior, used, is thrown away, he is exhausted, and can no longer be useful to the Sacrifice, and the Sacrifice sets out in search and in pursuit of new Saviors (her future victims).

From the point of view of the Aggressor, there are also interesting things here. The aggressor (the real aggressor, the one who considers himself the aggressor, the persecutor), as a rule, does not know that the Victim is not really a victim. That she's not really defenseless, she just needs the role.

The Victim very quickly finds the Saviors, who “suddenly” appear on the path of the “Aggressor”, and he very quickly becomes their Victim, and the Saviors turn into the Persecutors of the former Aggressor. This is superbly described by Eric Berne with the example of the fairy tale about Little Red Riding Hood .

The hat is the “Victim”, the wolf is the “Aggressor”, the hunters are the “Saviors”. But the tale ends with the ripped belly of the wolf.

An alcoholic is a victim of Alcohol. His wife is the Savior. On the other hand, an Alcoholic is an Aggressor for his wife, and she is looking for a savior - a narcologist or psychotherapist. On the third hand, for an alcoholic, the wife is the Aggressor, and alcohol is his Savior from his wife. The doctor turns quickly from the Savior into the Sacrifice, as he promised to Save both the wife and the alcoholic, and even took money for this, and the alcoholic's wife becomes his Persecutor. And the wife is looking for a new Savior. And by the way, the wife finds a new offender (Aggressor) in the person of the doctor, because he offended and deceived her, and did not fulfill his promises by taking money. Therefore, the wife can start Persecuting the former Savior (doctor), and now the Aggressor, finding new Saviors in the form of:

1.Media, judiciary

2. Girlfriends with whom you can wash the bones already and the doctor ("Oh, these doctors!")

3. A new doctor who, together with his wife, condemns the “incompetence” of the previous doctor.

Below are the signs by which you can recognize yourself when you find yourself in a triangle.

Feelings experienced by participants in the events:

Victim:

Feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, coercion and infliction, hopelessness, powerlessness, worthlessness, needlessness, own wrongness, confusion, obscurity, confusion, frequent wrong, own weakness and weakness in the situation, resentment, fear, self-pity

Savior:

Feelings of pity, desire to help, own superiority over the victim (over the one who wants to help), greater competence, greater strength, intelligence, greater access to resources, “he knows more about how to act”, condescension to whoever he wants to help

a feeling of pleasant omnipotence and omnipotence in relation to a specific situation, the confidence that he can help, the conviction that he knows (or at least can find out) how exactly this can be done, the inability to refuse (it is inconvenient to help, or to leave a person without help), compassion, an acute, aching feeling of empathy (note, this is a very important point: the Savior is associated with the Sacrifice, which means that he will never be able to truly help refuse her!), responsibility FOR another

Aggressor

The feeling of one's own righteousness, noble indignation and righteous anger, the desire to punish the offender, the desire to restore, justice, offended pride, the conviction that only he knows how to do it right, irritation at the victim and even more so at the saviors, whom he perceives as an interfering factor (saviors are mistaken, because only he knows what to do right now!), the excitement of the hunt, the excitement of the chase

Victim - Suffering

Savior - saves and comes to the rescue and rescue

The aggressor punishes, persecutes, teaches (teaches)

If you find yourself in this "magic" triangle, then know that you will have to visit all the "corners" of this triangle, and try all its Roles. Events in a triangle can take place as long as you want - regardless of the conscious desires of their participants. The alcoholic's wife does not want to suffer, the alcoholic does not want to be an alcoholic, and the doctor does not want to deceive the alcoholic's family. But everything is determined by the result. Until someone jumps out of this damn triangle, the game can go on as long as you like.

How to pop out

The most important thing is to understand which Role you entered into the triangle. Which corner of the triangle was your entrance to it. Typically, guides give the following advice: invert roles. That is, replace the roles with others:

The aggressor should become a teacher for you. The phrase that I say to my students: “Our enemies, and those who“ interfere ”with us, are our best coaches and teachers)

Savior - Helper or maximum - Guide (you can use a trainer, as in a fitness club: you do, and the trainer trains)

And the Sacrifice is the Disciple.

This is very good advice.

If you've caught yourself playing the Victim - start learning. If you have caught yourself in the role of the Savior, give up the silly thoughts that the one “who needs help” is weak and weak. By accepting such thoughts, you are doing him a disservice. You are doing something FOR him. You prevent him from learning something important to him on his own.

You can't do anything for another person. Your desire to help is an temptation, the victim is your tempter, and you, in fact, are a tempter and a provocateur for the one you are trying to help. Let the person do it himself. Let him make mistakes, but these will be HIS mistakes. And he will not be able to blame you for this when he tries to move into the role of your Persecutor.

A person must go his own way.

The great psychotherapist Alexander Efimovich Alekseychik says: "You can only help someone who does something."

And he continued, addressing the one who was at that moment in helplessness: "What are you doing so that he (the one who helps) could help you?"

Great words!

In order for you to be helped, you must do something. You can only help in what they do. If you don't do it, you cannot be helped. What do you do - that is where help is possible for you. If you are lying down, you can only be helped to lie down. If you are standing, you can only be helped to stand. It is impossible to help a person who is lying down to get up. It is impossible to help a person who does not even think to get up to get up. It is impossible to help a person who is only thinking to get up to stand up. It is impossible to help a person who only wants to get up to stand up. You can help a person who is getting up. You can only help the person who is looking for it. You can only help the one who is walking.

What is this girl DOING out of what you are trying to help her? Are you trying to help her in what she does not do? Does she expect you to act in something that she herself does not do? So does she really need what she expects from you, if she herself does not do it?

You can only help a person who gets up. “Getting up” is making an effort to get up. These efforts and concrete and unambiguous actions are observable, they have concrete and indistinct signs. They are easy to recognize and identify precisely because of the signs that a person is trying to get up.

And something else is very important, in my opinion.

You can help a person get up, but if he is not ready to stand (not ready that you will remove the support), he will fall again, and it will hurt him many times more than if he continued to lie. What will the person do after they are upright? What is the person going to do after that? What is he going to do about it? Why does he need to get up?

How to pop out

The most important thing is to understand which Role you entered into the triangle. Which corner of the triangle was your entrance to it. This is very important and is not covered in the guides.

Entry points

Each of us has our usual or favorite Role-entrances to such magical triangles. And often, in different contexts, each has its own inputs. A person at work may have a favorite entrance to the triangle - the Role of the Aggressor (well, he likes to restore justice or punish fools!), And at home, for example, a typical and favorite entrance is the Role of the Savior ...

"Monkey"

And each of us should know the “points of weakness” of our personality, which simply force us to enter these our favorite Roles. It is necessary to study the external decoys that lure us there. For some, it is someone's misfortune or “helplessness”, or a request for help, or an admiring look / voice:

"Oh great!"
"Only you can help me!"
"I will be lost without you!"

You, of course, recognized the Savior in white robes.

For others, it is someone else's mistake, stupidity, injustice, incorrectness or dishonesty. And they bravely rush to restore justice and harmony, falling into the triangle in the role of the Aggressor.

For others, this may be a signal from the surrounding reality that she does not need you, or she is dangerous, or she is aggressive, or she is heartless (indifferent to you, your desires or troubles), or she is poor in resources just for you, at this very moment ... These are lovers of being Victims.

Each of us has our own decoy, the lure of which is very difficult for us to withstand. We become like zombies, showing heartlessness and stupidity, zeal and recklessness, falling into helplessness and feeling that we are right or worthless.

The beginning of the transition from the role of the Savior to the role of the Victim - a feeling of guilt, a feeling of helplessness, a feeling of being compelled and obliged to help and the impossibility of one's own refusal (“I am obliged to help! ”,“ I have no right not to help! ”,“ What will they think of me, how will I look if I refuse to help? ”).

The beginning of the transition from the role of the Savior to the role of the Persecutor is the desire to punish the “bad”, the desire to restore justice directed not at you, the feeling of absolute self-righteousness and noble righteous indignation.

The beginning of the transition from the role of the Victim to the role of the Aggressor (persecutor) is a feeling of resentment and injustice done towards you personally.

The beginning of the transition from the Role of the Sacrifice to the role of the Savior - a desire to help, pity for the former Aggressor or Savior.

The beginning of the transition from the role of the Aggressor to the role of the Victim is a sudden (or growing) feeling of helplessness and confusion.

The beginning of the transition from the role of the Aggressor to the role of the Savior is a feeling of guilt, a sense of responsibility FOR another person.

Actually:

It is VERY pleasant for the Savior to help and save, it is pleasant to stand out “in white clothes” among other people, especially in front of the victim. Narcissism, narcissism.

It is very pleasant for the victim to suffer ("like in a movie") and to be saved (to accept help), to feel pity for himself, earning future unspecified "happiness" by suffering. Masochism.

The aggressor is very pleased to be a warrior, to punish and restore justice, to be the bearer of the standards and rules that he imputes to others, it is very pleasant to be in shining armor with a fiery sword, it is nice to feel his strength, invincibility and righteousness. By and large, someone else's mistake and wrong for him is a legitimate (lawful and “safe”) reason (permission, right) to commit violence and inflict pain on another with impunity. Sadism.

The Savior knows how you can ...

The aggressor knows that this is not possible ...

The victim wants, but cannot, but more often he does not want anything, because everything is enough ...

And another interesting diagnostic method. Diagnostics based on the feelings of observers / listeners

The feelings of the observers can suggest the role of the person telling you or sharing a problem with you.

When you read (listen to) the Savior (or watch him), your heart is filled with pride for him. Or - with laughter, to what a fool he brought himself by his desire to help others. When you read the texts written by the Aggressor - noble indignation covers - either to those about whom the Aggressor writes, or - to the Aggressor himself. And when you read the texts written by the Sacrifice or listen to the Sacrifice, an acute emotional pain FOR SACRIFICATION, acute pity, a desire to help, the most powerful compassion covers.

And don't forget

There are no Saviors, no Victims, no Aggressors. There are living people who can play different roles. And each person falls into the trap of different roles, and happens at all the vertices of this enchanted triangle, but nevertheless, each person has some inclinations towards one or another peak, a tendency to linger on one or another peak. And it is important to remember that the point of entry into a triangle (that is, what has involved a person in pathological relationships) - most often it is also a point at which a person lingers, and for which he "flew" into this triangle. But this is not always the case.

In addition, it is worth remembering that a person does not always occupy exactly the “top” that he is complaining about.

The “victim” can be the Aggressor (Hunter).

The “Savior” can actually play, tragically and to death play the role of Victim or Aggressor.

In these pathological relationships, as in the famous Carroll's "Alice ...", everything is so confused, inverted and deceitful that IN EVERY CASE, a rather attentive observation of all participants in this "triangular round dance" is required, including yourself too - even if you do not participate in this triangle.

The power of the magic of this triangle is such that any observer or listener begins to be drawn into this Bermuda triangle of pathological relationships and roles.

 

[Father]

And again about the Karpman triangle​

Karpman's triangle is the most common model of relationships between people. It was first described by the classic of transactional analysis by Stephen Karpman in 1968. People manipulate each other, depend on each other and get very tired of it. There is very little happiness in such a relationship. As well as the forces to change the situation. But there is a way out of this.
This post will tell you about the Karpman triangle. After all, in order to solve a problem, you must first realize it.
In a triangle, two, three, and whole groups of people can spin. But there are always three roles in it: the victim, the controller-dictator, the savior. The participants in the triangle periodically change their roles, but they are all manipulators and spoil their lives and their loved ones a lot.

Victim​

For the victim, life is suffering. Everyone is unfair to her, she gets tired and can't cope. She is now offended, now scared, now ashamed. She is jealous and jealous. She lacks neither the strength, nor the time, nor the desire to do something to improve her life. She is inert. She is afraid of life and expects only bad things from her.

Controller-dictator (aggressor)​

He, too, sees life as an enemy and a source of problems. He's tense
annoyed, angry and afraid. He cannot forget past problems and constantly prophesies new troubles in the future. He controls and criticizes others, feels an unbearable burden of responsibility and gets very tired of it. His energy is at zero.

Savior​

He feels pity for the victim and anger for the controller. He considers himself a cut above the rest and revels in the realization of his mission. But in fact, he does not save anyone, because no one asked him about it.
His need is an illusion, and the goal of his actions and advice is self-affirmation, not real help.

How it works?​

The controller-dictator does not give rest to the victim, builds it, forces it and criticizes it.
The victim tries, suffers, gets tired and complains.
The Savior comforts, advises, puts out the ears and the vest for tears. Participants periodically change roles.

Such a melodrama can last for many years, people may not even realize that they are firmly stuck in a triangle. They may think that they are actually happy with this state of affairs. The controller has someone to pour out his negativity on and has someone to blame for his troubles, the victim receives sympathy and gets rid of responsibility for his life, the savior enjoys the role of the hero.
They all depend on each other, because they see the source of their problems in another person. And they endlessly try to change a person so that he serves their purposes.
Partners switch between the roles of the triangle and then control, then save each other. And such a relationship is definitely not about love. About the desire to dominate, self-pity, exhausting claims and unheard excuses. But not about love, not about support, not about happiness.

It affects everyone around​

When a family lives in the Karpman triangle, switching between
roles, then the emerging child will inevitably be pulled into this triangle. Most likely, he will be limited in independence, choice, decision-making. Not on purpose, it's just that people living in a triangle think that they are protecting their child in this way. Such parents often play on a sense of duty, shame, guilt, pity.

Is there a way out of the triangle?​

It is necessary to realize that in order to fulfill his own desires, a person only needs himself. You need to take your life into your own hands and act without looking back at anyone.
How to get out of the triangle if you are a victim
1. Stop complaining about life. At all. Spend that time looking for ways to improve things that don't suit you.
2. Remember once and for all: no one owes you anything. Even if they promised, if they really wanted to, if they themselves offered. Circumstances are constantly changing, as are human desires. Yesterday they wanted to give you something, today they don't want to. Stop waiting for salvation.
3. Everything you do is your choice and your responsibility. And you have the right to make another choice if this one does not suit you.
4. Don't make excuses or beat yourself up if you feel like you're not living up to someone's expectations.

How to get out of the triangle if you are a controller
1. Stop blaming other people and circumstances for your problems.
2. No one is obliged to conform to your ideas about what is right and wrong. People are different, situations are different, if you don't like something, just don't deal with it.
3. Solve differences peacefully, without anger and aggression.
4. Stop asserting yourself at the expense of those who are weaker than you.

How to get out of the triangle if you are a savior
1. If you are not asked for help or advice, keep quiet.
2. Stop thinking that you know better how to live, and that without your most valuable recommendations, the world will collapse.
3. Don't make rash promises.
4. Stop waiting for gratitude and praise. You help because you want to help, not for honors and rewards, right?
5. Before you rush to “do good,” ask yourself honestly: Is your intervention necessary and effective?
6. Stop asserting yourself at the expense of those who are a little more immodest in their complaints about life.

What can be turned into a triangle​

If you set yourself a goal to get out of the triangle and follow it step by step, change will not be long in coming. You will have more time and energy, it will become easier to breathe and more interesting to live. Relationship tensions are likely to ease.

1. The victim turns into a hero. Now, instead of complaining about fate, a person fights against failures, but experiences not exhaustion, but excitement. Solving problems, he does not complain to everyone around him, but enjoys being able to solve them.
2. The controller is transformed into a philosopher. Observing the actions of the hero from the side, he no longer criticizes, does not worry about the result. He accepts any result. He knows that things go better in the end.
3. The Savior becomes a motivator. He provokes the hero to exploits, describing brilliant prospects. He looks for opportunities to use the strength of the hero and pushes him to accomplishments.
And this is a healthier and happier model of relationships between people.

Ideal triangle model​

There is even more happiness and energy in this triangle.
1. The hero becomes the winner. He does not perform feats for praise, but for the creative use of energy. He does not need laurels, he enjoys the very process of creativity, the opportunity to change something for the better in this world.
2. The philosopher turns into a contemplator. He sees connections in the world that are inaccessible to others. He is aware of new opportunities and gives birth to ideas.
3. The motivator is transformed into a strategist. He knows exactly how to realize the ideas of the beholder.

It is important to be able to adequately assess the situation. Seeing when someone tries to manipulate you and not slipping into the soap opera of debilitating relationships. Do not play the roles imposed on you, know how to get up and leave when you see that the matter is unclean.