I'm in a house: how to set boundaries correctly

[Teacher]

Personal boundaries are a trait that runs between individuals, the people around them, and larger social systems. They are needed so that we can clearly feel: where I am, and where I am not; where are my own emotions, actions, beliefs and thoughts, and where are others. And if these emotions and thoughts are mine, then I am responsible for them and control them. Borders also protect our inner world from outside encroachments.

They can look like a five-meter stone fence with barbed wire and machine gunners on the towers. Or they may be absent altogether - all doors will be open wide open. Boundaries can change depending on the context and environment, become solid for some people and be completely blurred for others.

Personal boundaries can be open to "import" when we gladly accept someone else's help, resources, time, money, etc., or for "export" - our own resources. We usually import what we most need, and we export either what we have in abundance, or what we hope to get a good price for.

Boundaries are needed to indicate two important questions:

1. What do I consider my property (and, accordingly, will I protect)?

2. What am I responsible for (and will try to control)?

Boundary check

How does this manifest itself in specific behavior? There are people for whom the boundaries of ownership can be very conditional. Such a person does not consider anything as his own, inviolable, he "does not attach to things." He cannot lock himself in his room because he considers it impolite. Such people cannot refuse help or money, even realizing that this money will not be returned. Their borders are always open for import, it is important for them that people see them as kind, generous and open. It's a way to build relationships. Sometimes they even think that not having anything of their own is safer.

The opposite type is people whose boundaries are too wide. They all consider their property - wife, children, employees, office space or apartment, other people's things and time. They do not see other people's boundaries and do not consider it necessary to observe them. Wherever such a person is, there is always "too much" of him, he captures the space around him. And if he was not given something in an amicable way, he can take it away “in an amicable way”.

Two "extreme" types also exist in relation to responsibility. There are people who take on too much, trying to control what is beyond their control. People agree with every charge against them. The logic is this: if I tried better (I would guess other people's desires and do everything right), then it would magically change those around me, make them happy and loving. People with such a strategy of thinking lack recognition and praise, they are ready to do everything to get this simple currency.

The other extreme is characters who are not ready to take responsibility not only for others, but also for themselves. They do not see their contribution to the development of conflict situations, do not accept criticism and try to avoid any obligations. If you entrust them with a project, they will either require a partner for themselves, or they will come running every half hour with questions and explanations so that the responsibility does not lie with them (or at least not with them alone).

Border guard day

How to define and guard your boundaries? Unfortunately, you cannot put pegs and notify those around that "this half-meter of land around me is my territory, I can't enter without knocking."

In my trainings, I often do a simple exercise. I ask the person to designate a limit invisible to others in front of him and begin to slowly approach it - step by step. The task of the participant is to make it clear without words that I am already close to the point that I do not need to cross. The reactions are very different. Someone is very calm at first and only at the last moment begins to frown. Someone, on the contrary, from my first step "gets into a pose" and puts on "boxing gloves". Very polite people let me close, with a confused smile on their face. And only then it turns out that I passed the designated border long ago. There was also such an "intelligent" reaction: when a person realizes that I am not going to stop and provoke him to more explicit actions, he himself takes a step back, leaving his inviolability stable. But for the sake of to stay at a safe distance from me, he has to give up his territory. I don't know how you would react in this exercise. Think about it.

You can defend your borders in different ways in different situations. The ability to say "no" (without the subsequent sprinkling of ashes on the head!) Is an important personality skill. It is necessary for those who easily succumb to pressure, aggression and other "honest ways of taking money."

The ability to create and protect their own boundaries, of course, is still formed by parents. But over the course of life (and with different people) boundaries can change many times. Teenagers, for example, guard them belligerently, they need this life period in order to separate from their parents and learn to build their own lives, to respect themselves. And couples in love sometimes completely dissolve in each other and only then begin to notice that it has become cramped. If you do not revise the rules of interaction in time, do not outline the circle of their interests, then the couple comes to a crisis or completely breaks up.

Like any other skill, the ability to see and respect one's own and others' boundaries may well be mastered at a later period of time.

How to defend your territory

Are you able to refuse requests to loved ones if they are uncomfortable for you? Do children have the right to disagree with you, to lock themselves in their room? How do you feel when your spouse (or best friend) says something “wrong”? Do you want to prompt, correct, shame, do you think that the actions of your loved ones "dishonor your reputation"?

The skill of respecting other people's boundaries is, first of all, allowing other people to be different from you. Recently I came across a good aphorism: “Selfishness is not when you do what you want. This is when you are sure that others should do what YOU want. "When you want to" do good "to someone - that is, to help, give advice, stand up for someone, correct the situation - pause and look around. Does this not violate someone's interests, does it immerse your counterpart in a position of helplessness and dependence? Have you been asked for this help? Does a person really need such help?

The main hallmark of healthy boundaries is flexibility.

- If you know how to move away from dangerous or unpleasant situations for you (if not physically, then at least emotionally!),
- If you can, depending on the situation, open up for the "import" and "export" of resources, use the words "yes" and "no" adequately,
- If you find getting close to the people of your choice comfortable and safe,
- If you are able to take into account both your own interests and the interests of others, then your relations with people become much simpler, honest and pleasant.