If you hear the phrase “you failed” as “you are not capable of anything,” it means that you tend to devalue yourself. This interferes with living in all directions: at work, you pull everything that is charged on you and are afraid to talk about a salary increase, in a relationship you hammer on your own interests in the name of your partner's needs.
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Where does this attitude towards yourself come from and how to change the situation?
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The self-esteem conflict consists of 3 unresolved needs in childhood:
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? Be reflected. This is when a mother from birth looks at the child with joy, communicates with him emotionally, makes it clear how happy she is that he is. The child reflects himself in the eyes of the mother and realizes that he is "good".
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? Need for ownership. If the parent does not reject any emotions of the child, but recognizes, voices and helps to experience them, this gives the child the feeling that he will not be rejected and has the right to feel what he feels.
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? The need for idealization and identification. If, for example, the father devalued, humiliated the girl's mother, it will be difficult for her to idealize the image of her mother, and in adulthood she will treat herself the same way.
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When these needs in us are not closed, we turn into perfectionists: we look for a reflection of ourselves in the eyes of the boss in order to be convinced of our "goodness". We are afraid to express emotions in fear of rejection. Or even consider ourselves worthless a priori.
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Can you change your attitude towards yourself? Yes. To begin with, realize that everything is in order with your value and abilities. The point is in important needs that parents were once unable to cover due to their psychological problems. Then find someone you trust and work through the self-esteem conflict together.
⠀
Where does this attitude towards yourself come from and how to change the situation?
⠀
The self-esteem conflict consists of 3 unresolved needs in childhood:
⠀
? Be reflected. This is when a mother from birth looks at the child with joy, communicates with him emotionally, makes it clear how happy she is that he is. The child reflects himself in the eyes of the mother and realizes that he is "good".
⠀
? Need for ownership. If the parent does not reject any emotions of the child, but recognizes, voices and helps to experience them, this gives the child the feeling that he will not be rejected and has the right to feel what he feels.
⠀
? The need for idealization and identification. If, for example, the father devalued, humiliated the girl's mother, it will be difficult for her to idealize the image of her mother, and in adulthood she will treat herself the same way.
⠀
When these needs in us are not closed, we turn into perfectionists: we look for a reflection of ourselves in the eyes of the boss in order to be convinced of our "goodness". We are afraid to express emotions in fear of rejection. Or even consider ourselves worthless a priori.
⠀
Can you change your attitude towards yourself? Yes. To begin with, realize that everything is in order with your value and abilities. The point is in important needs that parents were once unable to cover due to their psychological problems. Then find someone you trust and work through the self-esteem conflict together.
