Does the excitement overwhelm you at the most inopportune moments? Is worry becoming second nature to you? Can't you calm down and overcome your anxiety? Dr. Robert L. Leahy provides practical, easy-to-use tips and techniques in his book.
Fragment of the book of Leahy R. Medicine for nerves. How to stop worrying and enjoy life. - SPb .: Peter, 2018.
Does the excitement overwhelm you at the most inopportune moments? Is anxiety becoming second nature to you? Can't you calm down and overcome your anxiety? Dr. Robert L. Leahy provides practical, easy-to-use tips and techniques in his book.
We've put together a simple list of rules to help you turn anxiety into a problem to be solved, and then quickly move on to solving that problem: developing a plan and taking action. There are many things that can lead you astray.
Worrying about unanswered questions
The typical form is "chewing" over and over again thoughts that you cannot accept. For example: "I can't believe they are being dishonest to me", "Why is life so unfair?" or: "I cannot understand why this happened." Yale psychologist Susan Nolen-Hockema described this fruitless ruminations as a combination of continuous focus on unanswered questions and negative feelings that lead to decreased productivity and increase the risk of depression. When you "think" in this way, you are engaging in useless mental activity that prevents you from taking actions that can truly help. You are trapped in your own mind.
None of these fruitless thoughts is a formulation of a problem to be solved. To check if this is so, ask yourself: "What can be considered the answer to this question?" or: "How do I know that I answered this question?" Let's take as an example the meditation on "Why is life so unfair?" What can be considered the answer? You've probably asked this question for years and never found the answer. Perhaps no one is able to answer it. "Why is this happening to me?" Who knows. I once wondered why I was being dishonored for quite some time, and then I thought that even if I could fully explain the other person's behavior, I wouldn't get better. In the end, I gave up thinking to no avail.
Ask yourself how you can turn empty thinking into problems that need to be solved. Formulate the question: "What problem should I solve?" One person worried about the decline in sales and kept pondering why this was happening. Then it occurred to him that thinking would give him nothing. The solution to the problem is to increase the number of sales, that is, make more phone calls. While he was phoning customers, there was no time left for endless chewing on the problem. Convert mental gum into action questions: "What action should I take?" If nothing can be done, you can safely classify this anxiety as useless.
Chain reaction anxiety
Another form of decision avoidance is worrying about an event that is bound to lead to disaster. "What if my boss gets angry and decides that he has to get rid of me, I lose my job and then I can't find a new one?" Thinking about this chain increases your anxiety many times over. Since there is little you can do about what did not happen - and there is little chance that things will turn out as frightening or disastrous as you predict - you might ask yourself, "What is the immediate problem?" or: "Is there a problem that needs to be solved?"
For example, Ellen worried that her boss would get angry, she would lose her job, and her life would be ruined. Instead of trying to forestall a catastrophe in the distant future, she focused on finding good qualities in her boss. We came up with an immediate solution: flatter the boss and talk about the work she did. It worked magically. The boss began to appreciate Ellen, and she stopped worrying.
Unproductive worry “builds chains” and views chain reactions as the most likely. You imagine a sequence in which each negative event depends on the previous one. A reasonable question, however, is, "How likely is this chain reaction?" In most cases, it is unlikely.
Discarding a solution because it is not perfect
“Is this really the perfect solution? Will it give me absolute confidence? "Let's finally figure out what the ideal solution is. You might be thinking that this is a solution that has no drawbacks or drawbacks. Thus, the ideal solution to exam anxiety is to know absolutely everything. This is naturally impossible, and you reject it by continuing to doubt. You may think that the perfect solution to the problem of oncophobia is to do every possible test and get a conclusion confirming that you do not have cancer from every doctor in the world. Until that succeeds, you always have room for doubt. However, medical tests do not rule out the possibility of illness.
Consider the downsides of finding perfect solutions: you continue to question everything, nothing suits you, you still feel helpless and hopeless, and equate imperfection with failure and vulnerability. Are there any pluses? It can be assumed that the search for the ideal will force you to find "the best possible option" - but is that so? Rejecting all alternatives because they are not ideal, in principle, does not allow finding a solution. Or maybe the search for perfection allows you not to regret later? Once again, perfectionism does the opposite: in pursuit of the ideal, you look at any action you take that doesn't lead to the best possible outcome as cause for regret. The bitter aftertaste only intensifies. Now, if you allow yourself some mistakes, admitting that some decisions may not be successful, you have a chance to learn to see something natural in a miss. Negative results are inevitable if you make enough decisions.
Imagine a perfectionist investing in stocks. She will worry about any possible fluctuations in the market. And only by recognizing that her decisions are based on incomplete information, and life is full of surprises, if her shares fall in value, she will be able to conclude that investing is fraught with risks. In order to invest, you must accept some disadvantages.
By seeking perfection, you will leave your capital dead weight, as any investment has potential drawbacks and can lead to regret. However, not investing - and therefore never taking any risk - is even more risky: you miss out on growth opportunities. Every decision carries with it the possibility of regret. However, if you don't make a decision or think that you have to worry as much as possible to find the perfect path, your regret will be even greater in the end. These worries are a waste of precious time. Regret is inevitable . The only question is whether you will regret the spontaneous decision you made or the thousand useless anxieties you suffer from.
Instead of looking for perfect solutions, consider actual or practical solutions . For example, instead of looking for a guarantee that you won't get fired, look for ways to be more productive in your position. Or - alternatives to your job: not ideal options or jobs of your dreams, but simply alternatives. Each choice has some disadvantages. If you can accept the flaws and the cost of your decisions, then you are in business. Otherwise, you will always seek the ideal.
As the artist Salvador Dali once said, “You don't have to worry about perfection. You will never find him."
Thoughts that you should be worried until you feel less worried
I often ask neurotics, "How do you know when to stop worrying?" Sometimes they reply, "When I feel less worried." This is an interesting feature that brings together a lot of people who are worried about a huge number of different things. For example, people with obsessive-compulsive syndrome say they keep doing rituals and testing until they "feel like they've done enough."
When the neurotic has “done enough,” he says, “I cannot think of what else to do,” and the anxiety recedes. However, when you distract from worry and search for confirmation, you get the same result: your anxiety first grows and then gradually decreases. But it takes some time to realize that anxiety has subsided. In other words, if you don't look for the perfect solution, your anxiety will diminish on its own. Excitement - and achieving a "feeling" that enough has been done - is not necessary to reduce anxiety.
The problem is that trying to distract yourself from anxiety - and stopping the search for information related to your anxiety - can temporarily increase anxiety. This is because you think you're missing something important, which makes you feel vulnerable. For example, people who obsessively check to see if the stove has been turned off - they have to check the gas regulators fifteen times - worry more if they refrain from checking. However, if they manage to avoid checks for long enough, their anxiety decreases. Likewise, in a hypochondriac who is nervous because of terrible diseases: anxiety at first may increase if he is not allowed to look for new information about diseases, but over time it will decrease the more, the longer he manages not to read about diseases.
The conviction that you should worry until you are in control
Another common way to sink into unproductive anxiety is to think that you have to control everything in order to be safe and comfortable. It gets in the way of solving real problems, because you are trying to control what cannot be controlled. Problem solving separating what you can do from what you cannot. For example, I can control what I say when I give a lecture, but I cannot control the emotions of the audience. You may worry about what people think of you and think that the problem to be solved is getting everyone to love you. But this is unreal. Giving up control of the uncontrollable frees you up, allowing you to focus on urgent problems that need to be solved.
As it is said in the prayer "Lord, give me peace of mind to accept what I cannot change, give courage to change what I can, and wisdom to distinguish one from the other." If you want to control “what you cannot change” (for example, what a passerby thinks of you), you are posing a problem that cannot be solved.
How do you stop worrying? Let's summarize
Now that you understand that anxiety can be helpful and that a lot of anxiety is actually useless, you can decide what to worry about and what not.
Signs of unproductive and productive anxiety are shown in the table. Get to know it and try to learn how to accept reality - and then change it.
Signs of unproductive anxiety:
Signs of productive anxiety:
Fragment of the book of Leahy R. Medicine for nerves. How to stop worrying and enjoy life. - SPb .: Peter, 2018.
Does the excitement overwhelm you at the most inopportune moments? Is anxiety becoming second nature to you? Can't you calm down and overcome your anxiety? Dr. Robert L. Leahy provides practical, easy-to-use tips and techniques in his book.
We've put together a simple list of rules to help you turn anxiety into a problem to be solved, and then quickly move on to solving that problem: developing a plan and taking action. There are many things that can lead you astray.
Worrying about unanswered questions
The typical form is "chewing" over and over again thoughts that you cannot accept. For example: "I can't believe they are being dishonest to me", "Why is life so unfair?" or: "I cannot understand why this happened." Yale psychologist Susan Nolen-Hockema described this fruitless ruminations as a combination of continuous focus on unanswered questions and negative feelings that lead to decreased productivity and increase the risk of depression. When you "think" in this way, you are engaging in useless mental activity that prevents you from taking actions that can truly help. You are trapped in your own mind.
None of these fruitless thoughts is a formulation of a problem to be solved. To check if this is so, ask yourself: "What can be considered the answer to this question?" or: "How do I know that I answered this question?" Let's take as an example the meditation on "Why is life so unfair?" What can be considered the answer? You've probably asked this question for years and never found the answer. Perhaps no one is able to answer it. "Why is this happening to me?" Who knows. I once wondered why I was being dishonored for quite some time, and then I thought that even if I could fully explain the other person's behavior, I wouldn't get better. In the end, I gave up thinking to no avail.
Ask yourself how you can turn empty thinking into problems that need to be solved. Formulate the question: "What problem should I solve?" One person worried about the decline in sales and kept pondering why this was happening. Then it occurred to him that thinking would give him nothing. The solution to the problem is to increase the number of sales, that is, make more phone calls. While he was phoning customers, there was no time left for endless chewing on the problem. Convert mental gum into action questions: "What action should I take?" If nothing can be done, you can safely classify this anxiety as useless.
Chain reaction anxiety
Another form of decision avoidance is worrying about an event that is bound to lead to disaster. "What if my boss gets angry and decides that he has to get rid of me, I lose my job and then I can't find a new one?" Thinking about this chain increases your anxiety many times over. Since there is little you can do about what did not happen - and there is little chance that things will turn out as frightening or disastrous as you predict - you might ask yourself, "What is the immediate problem?" or: "Is there a problem that needs to be solved?"
For example, Ellen worried that her boss would get angry, she would lose her job, and her life would be ruined. Instead of trying to forestall a catastrophe in the distant future, she focused on finding good qualities in her boss. We came up with an immediate solution: flatter the boss and talk about the work she did. It worked magically. The boss began to appreciate Ellen, and she stopped worrying.
Unproductive worry “builds chains” and views chain reactions as the most likely. You imagine a sequence in which each negative event depends on the previous one. A reasonable question, however, is, "How likely is this chain reaction?" In most cases, it is unlikely.
Discarding a solution because it is not perfect
“Is this really the perfect solution? Will it give me absolute confidence? "Let's finally figure out what the ideal solution is. You might be thinking that this is a solution that has no drawbacks or drawbacks. Thus, the ideal solution to exam anxiety is to know absolutely everything. This is naturally impossible, and you reject it by continuing to doubt. You may think that the perfect solution to the problem of oncophobia is to do every possible test and get a conclusion confirming that you do not have cancer from every doctor in the world. Until that succeeds, you always have room for doubt. However, medical tests do not rule out the possibility of illness.
Consider the downsides of finding perfect solutions: you continue to question everything, nothing suits you, you still feel helpless and hopeless, and equate imperfection with failure and vulnerability. Are there any pluses? It can be assumed that the search for the ideal will force you to find "the best possible option" - but is that so? Rejecting all alternatives because they are not ideal, in principle, does not allow finding a solution. Or maybe the search for perfection allows you not to regret later? Once again, perfectionism does the opposite: in pursuit of the ideal, you look at any action you take that doesn't lead to the best possible outcome as cause for regret. The bitter aftertaste only intensifies. Now, if you allow yourself some mistakes, admitting that some decisions may not be successful, you have a chance to learn to see something natural in a miss. Negative results are inevitable if you make enough decisions.
Imagine a perfectionist investing in stocks. She will worry about any possible fluctuations in the market. And only by recognizing that her decisions are based on incomplete information, and life is full of surprises, if her shares fall in value, she will be able to conclude that investing is fraught with risks. In order to invest, you must accept some disadvantages.
By seeking perfection, you will leave your capital dead weight, as any investment has potential drawbacks and can lead to regret. However, not investing - and therefore never taking any risk - is even more risky: you miss out on growth opportunities. Every decision carries with it the possibility of regret. However, if you don't make a decision or think that you have to worry as much as possible to find the perfect path, your regret will be even greater in the end. These worries are a waste of precious time. Regret is inevitable . The only question is whether you will regret the spontaneous decision you made or the thousand useless anxieties you suffer from.
Instead of looking for perfect solutions, consider actual or practical solutions . For example, instead of looking for a guarantee that you won't get fired, look for ways to be more productive in your position. Or - alternatives to your job: not ideal options or jobs of your dreams, but simply alternatives. Each choice has some disadvantages. If you can accept the flaws and the cost of your decisions, then you are in business. Otherwise, you will always seek the ideal.
As the artist Salvador Dali once said, “You don't have to worry about perfection. You will never find him."
Thoughts that you should be worried until you feel less worried
I often ask neurotics, "How do you know when to stop worrying?" Sometimes they reply, "When I feel less worried." This is an interesting feature that brings together a lot of people who are worried about a huge number of different things. For example, people with obsessive-compulsive syndrome say they keep doing rituals and testing until they "feel like they've done enough."
When the neurotic has “done enough,” he says, “I cannot think of what else to do,” and the anxiety recedes. However, when you distract from worry and search for confirmation, you get the same result: your anxiety first grows and then gradually decreases. But it takes some time to realize that anxiety has subsided. In other words, if you don't look for the perfect solution, your anxiety will diminish on its own. Excitement - and achieving a "feeling" that enough has been done - is not necessary to reduce anxiety.
The problem is that trying to distract yourself from anxiety - and stopping the search for information related to your anxiety - can temporarily increase anxiety. This is because you think you're missing something important, which makes you feel vulnerable. For example, people who obsessively check to see if the stove has been turned off - they have to check the gas regulators fifteen times - worry more if they refrain from checking. However, if they manage to avoid checks for long enough, their anxiety decreases. Likewise, in a hypochondriac who is nervous because of terrible diseases: anxiety at first may increase if he is not allowed to look for new information about diseases, but over time it will decrease the more, the longer he manages not to read about diseases.
The conviction that you should worry until you are in control
Another common way to sink into unproductive anxiety is to think that you have to control everything in order to be safe and comfortable. It gets in the way of solving real problems, because you are trying to control what cannot be controlled. Problem solving separating what you can do from what you cannot. For example, I can control what I say when I give a lecture, but I cannot control the emotions of the audience. You may worry about what people think of you and think that the problem to be solved is getting everyone to love you. But this is unreal. Giving up control of the uncontrollable frees you up, allowing you to focus on urgent problems that need to be solved.
As it is said in the prayer "Lord, give me peace of mind to accept what I cannot change, give courage to change what I can, and wisdom to distinguish one from the other." If you want to control “what you cannot change” (for example, what a passerby thinks of you), you are posing a problem that cannot be solved.
How do you stop worrying? Let's summarize
Now that you understand that anxiety can be helpful and that a lot of anxiety is actually useless, you can decide what to worry about and what not.
Signs of unproductive and productive anxiety are shown in the table. Get to know it and try to learn how to accept reality - and then change it.
Signs of unproductive anxiety:
- You are worried about unanswered questions.
- You are worried about the chain reaction of events.
- You reject decisions because they are not perfect.
- You think you should worry until you feel less worried.
- You think you should worry until you control everything.
Signs of productive anxiety:
- You have a question that potentially has an answer.
- You focus on a specific event, not a chain of consequences.
- You are ready to make imperfect decisions.
- You are not using your anxiety as a guide to action.
- You acknowledge that there are things that you can control and that you cannot.
