Each of us at a certain moment was overtaken by the suspicion that everyone around is smarter, more interesting and more diversified. Especially when routine tasks take up most of the time and effort, and once favorite hobbies or new activities (be it a language school, sports clubs or gastronomic courses) are postponed from year to year until better times. At the same time, the inner voice does not allow you to live in peace: it seems that the lack of resources to learn something new will sooner or later lead you to complete degradation. We asked psychotherapist Anastasia Rubtsova to explain why guilt is the worst enemy of those who want to develop, as well as how to stop reproaching yourself and learn new things easily.
To the direct question "Is it worth learning new things?" - I always say: yes, definitely worth it. And especially when you are over forty, school and institute are left far behind and it starts to seem to you that you are stuck in a routine and do not develop. Those who study are much less vulnerable to senile dementia, Alzheimer's, and even, according to some studies, depression. That is, there are enough bonuses. It does not matter what you study: English, Chinese, penguin anatomy, baroque costume, peculiarities of northern cuisine, playing the guitar - whatever. Neural networks still become more complex, the brain works, and after the brain, metabolic processes in the body are tightened.
But the first challenge is that, for most of us, learning is inextricably linked to assessment. If we imagine the brain, then the zones of "study" and "assessment" in it will be very close, and between the zones of "study" and "pleasure" there will be a distance, like from China to Madrid. Is it possible to connect China with Madrid by transport routes? It is possible, but, like any new thing, it will require more effort and time than the beaten path.
The evaluative path is poisonous and ultimately leads to a dead end. As a rule, if you follow it, it turns out that it is impossible to earn a good mark inside yourself. There will always be "not enough" and "little", "I try badly" and "others have better", "there is no one to scold me" and "I have to force myself", there will be a lot of guilt , shame and destructive anger towards myself, and at the terminal stations there "I am stupid, I am the worst of all," often already completely irrational. It is impossible to constantly withstand this stress, so at some point the psyche gives up and we say to ourselves: yes, nothing is working out for me, everything is lost - I will lock myself at home and watch TV shows and blame myself.
From everything learned through strength, with a taste of guilt and endless race, the brain will try to get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Understanding what it is, this inner voice, we can discover that this is our own aggression, just its edge is directed not outward, not towards self-defense, not towards exploring new territories, but inward, towards ourselves. And you can, of course, try to blame the school, where they really think little about human dignity, but criticize and shame a lot, but in those cases that are known to me, the school was a secondary factor. The main melody belonged to the family. How the family knew how or did not know how to show aggression, for which they praised and for what they were ashamed. And very often - did the parents feel complete and at least somewhat successful.
Guilt and shame, with all this Molotov cocktail, can be gradually dealt with, but the main task is to separate it from the learning process. I know this is easy to say and difficult to do. Someone is helped by the knowledge that the inner criticizing voice, although it tries to look "useful", in fact has nothing to do with development, it itself does not develop and interferes with us. Someone concentrates on the process, not specifically thinking about the result. No result - no assessment. Someone is looking for a sphere free from the attacks of the inner critic. For example, you constantly scold yourself for reading few books - and as a result, you completely stop picking up books. But your success in painting does not bother you very much - and you draw with pleasure. Gnaw at yourself for unlearned English - go learn Spanish.
You can look for loopholes. The brain does not care what to learn, just to learn. But the main thing is that while the "internal auditor" speaks in full voice, it is useless to study. From everything learned through strength, and even with a taste of guilt and endless race, the brain will try to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Drive out. Better just relax - save yourself time and effort.
Another difficulty is that we often do not take into account the level of our daily stress, stress at work, and often in the family. It seems to us that "everything is fine, I have been living for so long." But the body does not think so. There are a lot of irritants, demands from all sides, sources of information - as a result, many of us have constantly high levels of adrenaline, norepinephrine, cortisol and the feeling that we are living at the limit of our strength. This is true. Somehow we survive, we adapt, but there is no strength to overcome any new heights (to go to learn dances or new programming technologies, or to buy theater tickets).
It is important to separate within yourself the desire to "know more" and "to be better." In the second case, new knowledge is unlikely to help.
Often it really takes courage to admit that we are already at the limit and not a single extra drop will fit in the cup. You must first create some reserve of strength, and then rush to storm the heights. Strength, free time, personal space - we are sorely lacking all this. There is a very important principle of a free brain: in order to be capable of some kind of creative solutions in any area, the brain must have enough rest, flow along the tree, dull and sit back.
It does not work in conditions of constant rush, deadlines and other categorical imperatives. And yes, you also have to find time to rest your brain. And yes, sometimes you have to be persistent, even aggressive, because no one is ready to give us this time voluntarily. Neither work, nor, unfortunately, close people.
Learning is difficult. Including because in the modern world we are sated with information and the brain is much more busy with such a process as cutting off what is unnecessary than assimilating new things. That is, we try to forget more than remember. It happens that it is difficult to switch to something fundamentally new, far from our professional sphere. “What are you doing,” the psyche seems to be telling us. "There is no strength for the most necessary things, but here it is some kind of self-indulgence!" And resists.
It is interesting to share within oneself the desire to know more and to be better. Because in the second case, new knowledge is unlikely to help. It helps a lot, if you want to learn, the children's model of learning through attachment - to find a coach or teacher who will delight you until your heart sinks, to go to learn something with a colleague with whom you want to be closer. When relationships come first, it immediately turns out that learning is easy and enjoyable.
It is very important to separate the poles "I am good enough, but I can become even better" and "I am not good for anywhere, and I need to try very, very, very much to make at least someone love me." At the second pole it is bitter, cold, and none of us needs to go there. And it is worth remembering that the beginning of any path - even if we go to the gym, even learn English, even learn to play the flute - is a time of mistakes and failures. Inevitable. And this is the time when you need to empathize with yourself and feel sorry for yourself. Do not shame, do not scold. And praise and sympathize. And try again.
To the direct question "Is it worth learning new things?" - I always say: yes, definitely worth it. And especially when you are over forty, school and institute are left far behind and it starts to seem to you that you are stuck in a routine and do not develop. Those who study are much less vulnerable to senile dementia, Alzheimer's, and even, according to some studies, depression. That is, there are enough bonuses. It does not matter what you study: English, Chinese, penguin anatomy, baroque costume, peculiarities of northern cuisine, playing the guitar - whatever. Neural networks still become more complex, the brain works, and after the brain, metabolic processes in the body are tightened.
But the first challenge is that, for most of us, learning is inextricably linked to assessment. If we imagine the brain, then the zones of "study" and "assessment" in it will be very close, and between the zones of "study" and "pleasure" there will be a distance, like from China to Madrid. Is it possible to connect China with Madrid by transport routes? It is possible, but, like any new thing, it will require more effort and time than the beaten path.
The evaluative path is poisonous and ultimately leads to a dead end. As a rule, if you follow it, it turns out that it is impossible to earn a good mark inside yourself. There will always be "not enough" and "little", "I try badly" and "others have better", "there is no one to scold me" and "I have to force myself", there will be a lot of guilt , shame and destructive anger towards myself, and at the terminal stations there "I am stupid, I am the worst of all," often already completely irrational. It is impossible to constantly withstand this stress, so at some point the psyche gives up and we say to ourselves: yes, nothing is working out for me, everything is lost - I will lock myself at home and watch TV shows and blame myself.
From everything learned through strength, with a taste of guilt and endless race, the brain will try to get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Understanding what it is, this inner voice, we can discover that this is our own aggression, just its edge is directed not outward, not towards self-defense, not towards exploring new territories, but inward, towards ourselves. And you can, of course, try to blame the school, where they really think little about human dignity, but criticize and shame a lot, but in those cases that are known to me, the school was a secondary factor. The main melody belonged to the family. How the family knew how or did not know how to show aggression, for which they praised and for what they were ashamed. And very often - did the parents feel complete and at least somewhat successful.
Guilt and shame, with all this Molotov cocktail, can be gradually dealt with, but the main task is to separate it from the learning process. I know this is easy to say and difficult to do. Someone is helped by the knowledge that the inner criticizing voice, although it tries to look "useful", in fact has nothing to do with development, it itself does not develop and interferes with us. Someone concentrates on the process, not specifically thinking about the result. No result - no assessment. Someone is looking for a sphere free from the attacks of the inner critic. For example, you constantly scold yourself for reading few books - and as a result, you completely stop picking up books. But your success in painting does not bother you very much - and you draw with pleasure. Gnaw at yourself for unlearned English - go learn Spanish.
You can look for loopholes. The brain does not care what to learn, just to learn. But the main thing is that while the "internal auditor" speaks in full voice, it is useless to study. From everything learned through strength, and even with a taste of guilt and endless race, the brain will try to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Drive out. Better just relax - save yourself time and effort.
Another difficulty is that we often do not take into account the level of our daily stress, stress at work, and often in the family. It seems to us that "everything is fine, I have been living for so long." But the body does not think so. There are a lot of irritants, demands from all sides, sources of information - as a result, many of us have constantly high levels of adrenaline, norepinephrine, cortisol and the feeling that we are living at the limit of our strength. This is true. Somehow we survive, we adapt, but there is no strength to overcome any new heights (to go to learn dances or new programming technologies, or to buy theater tickets).
It is important to separate within yourself the desire to "know more" and "to be better." In the second case, new knowledge is unlikely to help.
Often it really takes courage to admit that we are already at the limit and not a single extra drop will fit in the cup. You must first create some reserve of strength, and then rush to storm the heights. Strength, free time, personal space - we are sorely lacking all this. There is a very important principle of a free brain: in order to be capable of some kind of creative solutions in any area, the brain must have enough rest, flow along the tree, dull and sit back.
It does not work in conditions of constant rush, deadlines and other categorical imperatives. And yes, you also have to find time to rest your brain. And yes, sometimes you have to be persistent, even aggressive, because no one is ready to give us this time voluntarily. Neither work, nor, unfortunately, close people.
Learning is difficult. Including because in the modern world we are sated with information and the brain is much more busy with such a process as cutting off what is unnecessary than assimilating new things. That is, we try to forget more than remember. It happens that it is difficult to switch to something fundamentally new, far from our professional sphere. “What are you doing,” the psyche seems to be telling us. "There is no strength for the most necessary things, but here it is some kind of self-indulgence!" And resists.
It is interesting to share within oneself the desire to know more and to be better. Because in the second case, new knowledge is unlikely to help. It helps a lot, if you want to learn, the children's model of learning through attachment - to find a coach or teacher who will delight you until your heart sinks, to go to learn something with a colleague with whom you want to be closer. When relationships come first, it immediately turns out that learning is easy and enjoyable.
It is very important to separate the poles "I am good enough, but I can become even better" and "I am not good for anywhere, and I need to try very, very, very much to make at least someone love me." At the second pole it is bitter, cold, and none of us needs to go there. And it is worth remembering that the beginning of any path - even if we go to the gym, even learn English, even learn to play the flute - is a time of mistakes and failures. Inevitable. And this is the time when you need to empathize with yourself and feel sorry for yourself. Do not shame, do not scold. And praise and sympathize. And try again.
