How to stop being a victim

[Brother]

This problem is one of the most pressing in our time. Its scale is so large and contradictory that it is impossible to establish the exact percentage of people affected by victim syndrome. One thing we know for sure - if you have this syndrome, then there can be no talk of self-development.

The main problem in this case is that people simply do not notice the signs of victim syndrome in themselves. They can feel that way and behave in a similar way, but as soon as they talk to a person about it, he denies it. The danger of victim syndrome is that it becomes a way of thinking (not even a skill), so it is extremely difficult to eradicate it.

You may not have this kind of thinking, but your loved ones probably do. It infects a person in all spheres of his life and completely paralyzes the ability to be realized in life. Therefore, if you have loved ones with victim syndrome, perhaps our article will help you influence their lives.

Blaming, complaining about an unhappy life, self-apology, criticism of others - these are just some of the symptoms of this syndrome. This leads to dissatisfaction with life and a complete inability to take responsibility for their actions and their consequences. It is impossible to achieve great success in life if a person is constantly looking for excuses in external circumstances. This leads to acquired helplessness and a complete inability to positively influence your destiny. In addition, such a person himself becomes the cause of his troubles, because he attracts them with his thinking. If you want to be a victim and constantly have huge problems, you will get them. One has only to instill in yourself such a way of thinking.

Who is the victim? This is a person who has given control of his life to the wrong hands: the government, other people, external circumstances, chance, fate. Any trouble that happens to such a person is perceived by him aggressively. He is unable to find the roots of all problems in himself. While self-development involves faith and self-confidence, taking responsibility for your decisions and figuring out the causes of your problems. That is, in essence, a developing person and a victim are complete opposites.

Curiously, almost everyone is susceptible to this syndrome to one degree or another. Perhaps in the field of business or health, you think completely clearly and correctly, you know how to cope with difficulties, and in other areas (relations in the family, with a loved one, friends) you experience great difficulties. This is quite possible, because each of us has our own advantages and disadvantages. And if we show our merits in one area, then we think correctly and are confident in ourselves. In other areas, our shortcomings come out and instead of realizing this, we begin to blame external circumstances. This can be seen in the example of many great people who are successful in business, but are completely unable to cope with problems in their personal lives, simply because business and personal life require completely different skills.

Therefore, if you are generally happy with your life, try to find areas in which you exhibit victim thinking, otherwise it can grow and have its negative impact on everything you do.

Think about the simple question: "Who is 100% responsible for the quality of your life?" Here are the possible answers.

• Parents
• A family
• Environment
• The country you live in
• Friends
• Colleagues
• Boss
• Children, wife / husband
• Genetics
• Your childhood

However, you yourself understand that there is simply no correct answer. However, answer yourself honestly - how often have you shifted the responsibility to these people and circumstances? And in what cases? What areas? Maybe you did not blame the circumstances in plain text, but you probably had such thoughts. And if so, then the victim syndrome is in you too. Remember that circumstances can affect the quality of your life, but there is no point in blaming. Blaming paralyzes the ability to think clearly, make clear decisions, and do the right thing.

Areas where victim syndrome is born​

It's easy to accept responsibility for your successes . Of course, because you have achieved and deserve it. What about failures ? There are so few people in the world who take responsibility for them. If everything is fine in your relationships with others, you feel that you are doing everything right and understand that you deserve it. If the relationship is going through difficult times, then it is easy to blame other people or just fate for everything.

What about emotions ? If you're in a bad mood, you can easily blame the outside circumstances again, even though you understand that happiness, joy, and peace always come from within. Take responsibility for your mood, your emotions, and your feelings.

Accept responsibility for all unpleasant accidents. This may seem like a radical point of view. After all, how can you accept responsibility for things that do not depend on us? Of course, it's not your fault that the financial system collapsed and you lost your job and all your money, but take responsibility for that too. It doesn't mean living with guilt, here the matter is completely different. The skill you should master is how you respond to a given situation. The person who lost all their money during the crisis will blame the circumstances (which is true), however, he will be in a stupor for a while. If not all my life. A person who accepts responsibility even in this case will immediately think about how to solve this problem and, possibly, next time minimize the risk of losing everything.

People love to complain about their circumstances. We have already talked about them - genetics, country of residence, family, and so on.

How often do you blame other people for your failures? It is quite convenient. There are a lot of people, which means that you can find an object for accusations everywhere - on the street, at work, at home, in transport.

Take responsibility for these six areas. You may not be able to succeed at all at once, so you can cover them gradually. For example, you can start with your emotions. From now on, any negative emotions and experiences are your responsibility. Even if you meet an extremely unpleasant person, acknowledge that you can eventually learn to communicate with such people and not experience any negative emotions. Looking at these people with curiosity, not anger, will help you avoid unpleasant emotions. Control and manage your emotions, don't let them control you.

Spectrum​

Let's imagine a straight line that represents a scale. At one end of the spectrum (left) is victim behavior. It includes complete unconsciousness, automatic responses to external stimuli, and constant accusations. At the right end of our scale is complete responsibility for our actions and complete awareness. There are quite a few people at the ends of this scale; these are extremes that are almost impossible in real life. However, you should strive for the right with all your might. The bulk of people are between these extremes. Let's single out four types of thinking, located on this scale - from the worst thinking model to the best.

• The victim. Lack of action and apathy. In order to become a victim, you do not need to strive for this, it is enough just to accept it as the default.
• Fighter. This is a person who lives in a world where everyone is in conflict and rivalry, everywhere are the same enemies. Such people think that life is an eternal struggle and one must always fight for one's happiness. However, this struggle will never end, and happiness will never be achieved. Such a person lives with the feeling that if he wins, the other will lose, and vice versa.
• Creator. Such a person treats any problem with interest. It does not cause him negative emotions and does not affect his self-esteem. He is in eternal search and he often manages to find ways out of the most difficult situations. He knows how to cooperate and resolve conflicts.
• A man of the world. In this case, the word "peace" can be interpreted as "Earth" and as "tranquility, peace." Such a person does not need control at all. He manages to intuitively avoid many of the troubles and difficulties of life. Of course, there are only a few such people and not everyone wants to become such a person.

The creator is the most promising choice, because such a person is able to solve not only his own problems, but also those of others. Such people are appreciated, their opinions are listened to and they achieve very great success.

In addition to the fact that you have probably drawn conclusions and listened to the recommendations in this article, we will give you two more tips that can change your thinking.

Forget about the past​

When we talk about the past, we even mean what happened ten seconds ago. We all know perfectly well that you cannot return the past, but which of us uses this knowledge? You can reflect on what happened and reflect on it when you are journaling, but if your decision is required, calm your emotions and take action.

You are in control of your reactions​

Yes, you may have had trouble that you are not to blame for. However, you can always control your reactions to what happened. This is what genuine control is. Moreover, you can interpret the situation however you wish. And if your interpretation allows you to act, great, you did everything right. But in the event that it blocks your actions and includes victim syndrome, fix these thoughts in your head and never think that way again.

 

[Tomcat]

By taking responsibility for ourselves, we can change our lives. But how to do that? Proactive thinking will come to the rescue. Business coach John Miller believes that each of us can develop it in ourselves and learn to take personal responsibility for what is happening around.

We are constantly confronted with blame shifting and do not even notice how we ourselves are doing the same. But you cannot succeed in this way. A few examples from the life of John Miller will show you exactly how to take responsibility and what it brings.

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

I stopped at a gas station for a coffee, but the pot was empty. I turned to the seller, but he pointed with a finger and replied:
"Her department is responsible for the coffee."

You probably remember a dozen of these stories from your life:
"The administration of the store is not responsible for things left in the lockers";
“I cannot get a normal job because I have no connections”;
"Talented people are not given a chance to break through";
"Managers receive millions of annual bonuses, but I have not been given a single bonus in 5 years of work."

These are all facets of undeveloped personal responsibility. You will find much less reverse examples: they served well, helped in a difficult situation, and promptly solved the problem.

I ran into a restaurant for a bite to eat. Time was short and there was a crowd of visitors. A waiter walked by in a hurry with a pile of dirty dishes on a tray and asked:
- Sir, have you already been served?
- No, but I'm in a hurry. I would order salad, rolls and diet cola.
- We don't have Diet Coke.
- Then water with lemon.

Soon I received my order, and a minute later, a Diet Coke. Jacob (that was the name of the waiter) sent his manager to the store for a cola. I myself did not have time.

An ordinary employee does not always have the opportunity to demonstrate a fabulous service, but proactive thinking is available to everyone. It is enough to stop being afraid to take responsibility and devote yourself to your work with love. Proactive thinking is rewarded. A couple of months later, I stopped at the restaurant again and found out that Jacob had been promoted.

FORBIDDEN QUESTIONS

Replace complaint questions with action questions. Then you can develop personal responsibility and get rid of victim psychology.

Why doesn't anyone love me?
Why doesn't anyone want to work?
Why did this happen to me?

These questions are counterproductive because they do not lead to a solution. They only show that the person who asks them is a victim of circumstances and is not able to change anything. Miller recommends getting rid of the "why" altogether.

There are two more classes of “wrong” questions: “who” and “when”.

Who is responsible for this?
When will the roads in my area be repaired?

In the first case, we shift responsibility to another department, employee, boss, and we find ourselves in a vicious circle of accusations. In the second, we mean that we can only wait.

The journalist in the newspaper faxes a request to the press service and waits for a response. Day two. It's too lazy to call, and the deadlines for the article are running out. When there is nowhere to postpone, he calls. They talked to him nicely and sent him an answer by the morning. It took 3 minutes, and the journalist delayed the work for 4 days.

CORRECT QUESTIONS

"Right" questions begin with "What?" And How? "
What can I do to make a difference?
How to make a customer loyal?
How to work more efficiently?
What should I learn to be of more value to the company?

If the wrong question expresses the position of a person unable to change anything, then the right questions induce action and form proactive thinking.

Why is this happening to me? does not require an answer. This is more of a complaint than a question.

"Why did this happen?" helps to understand the reasons.

If you take a closer look at the "wrong" questions, it turns out that almost all of them are rhetorical. Conclusion: rhetorical questions are evil.

COLLECTIVE RESPONSIBILITY

There is no collective responsibility, it is an oxymoron. If a client comes with a complaint, someone alone will have to answer to him. Even physically, all employees will not be able to line up in front of an unhappy visitor and jointly respond to a complaint.

Let's say you want to get a bank loan. We came to the department, signed all the documents, and are waiting for the result. But something went wrong, and the bank does not communicate its decision in any way. Money is needed as soon as possible, and you go to the office to sort it out. It turned out that your documents were lost. You are not interested in who is to blame, you want to quickly solve the problem.

The bank employee listens to your discontent, sincerely asks for forgiveness, although he is not guilty, runs from one department to another and after a couple of hours comes with a ready-made positive decision. Collective responsibility is pure personal responsibility. It is the courage to take the blow for the whole team and to cope with the difficulties.

There is no collective responsibility. If a client comes with a complaint, someone alone will have to answer to him

The waiter Jacob case is a great example of collective responsibility. The goal of the company is to be attentive to each client. Both the waiter and the manager followed her.

Think about what your direct manager would say if you sent him for a Coca-Cola for a client? If he is not ready for such an act, then it is not for him to teach subordinates about the mission of the company.

THEORY OF SMALL CASES

We are often dissatisfied with what is happening around us: officials take bribes, do not improve the yard, a neighbor parked the car in such a way that it is impossible to get through. We constantly want to change other people. But personal responsibility starts with us. This is a commonplace truth, when we ourselves change, the world and people around us also begin to change imperceptibly.

I was told a story about an old woman. A group of teenagers often gathered at her entrance, they drank beer, littered and made noise. The old woman did not threaten with the police and reprisals, did not expel them. She had a lot of books at home, and during the day she began to take them out into the porch and put them on the windowsill, where teenagers usually gathered. At first they laughed at it. Gradually we got used to them and began to read. They made friends with the old woman and began to ask her for books.

The changes will not be quick, but it is worth having patience for them.