Salyut, carders, have you ever met people who often delay and postpone the execution of any tasks? Those who do not express refusal directly, but simply do not do it? I want, of course, to point a finger at someone else, but... this happens to everyone from time to time. For some people, this behavior is activated occasionally, for others often, and there are those for whom passive behaviors become a lifestyle.
PARL is not a pirate's attempt to pronounce the word "parliamentarian"; it is an abbreviation for "passive-aggressive personality disorder." The same disorder in which non-doing, procrastination, turning a small problem into an impossible one, and other highly annoying behaviors occur regularly.
I repeat: passive forms of behavior are found in everyone. But there are some people for whom it is so difficult to behave otherwise that it is almost impossible. It is in this case that we are talking about passive-aggressive personality disorder (PARD). That is, about people for whom passive forms of behavior are, so to speak, "basic equipment": in any tense situation, they react by going passive. For them, this is an automatic reaction, and not consciously chosen from many others.
The goal of passive behaviors is not to achieve results. And there are many ways to do this. For example:
1) Procrastination and postponement
When a person is asked for something, he says something like "let's do it later", "not now", "I'll look at it later" and so on... nothing happens. The naive petitioner seriously thinks that the interlocutor is really not up to it right now and expects that he will return to the topic when he is free. But this doesn't happen. Needless to say, even the most patient person sooner or later develops anger and resentment: his request was simply ignored, and it turns out that they lied, but he was counting on it... this is popularly called a "setup".
People with PARL, if they do something, do it at the last moment (which is why they harass those who are nearby). You can never be sure if you'll get what you're asking for.
2) Care
This form of passive behavior involves "not being present at all" in a situation or conversation. A person either physically leaves the room, or emotionally withdraws — changes the topic, sinks into silence, goes to the computer or phone.
3) "Playing Dumb"
Instead of doing it, the person asks a million questions: "How? Where to go? What should I say? And if it is so-and-so?" And the answers to these questions are either obvious, or you just need to think a little/Google to find answers to them. But the point is not to get these very answers, but to make it easier for the person who asks to do it himself than to explain it. What, in fact, is the calculation.
4) Forgetting
Yes, these people especially often forget something important that the other person asked for. Grandpa Freud also said that nothing just falls out of your memory: we forget either what is traumatic for us, or what we don't really want to remember or do (do you know how often I hear stories that a man once again forgets to take his passport when going to the registry office to get a divorce? And he doesn't lie, he really forgets. Because I'm not sure of my decision. There's a part of me that doesn't really want to get divorced)
5) "I want something, I don't know what"
Remember, there was such an extremely useful saying: "Deny — offer"? The people on PARL didn't hear her. When someone suggests something, they find disadvantages in any of the options. Everything doesn't suit them, everything doesn't suit them. But when the desperate interlocutors are already running out of fantasy (or an attack of well-founded aggression begins), and they directly ask our hero about what he wants, what would suit him, then... he can't tell them anything concrete. He denies without offering.
6) Lack of specifics
"What can I do to make you happy?"
"Well, something nice to make me feel happy."
- So, about the feeling is clear. What should I do to make it happen?
- I do not know, just do it and that's it!
And then there are resentments that the person was never made happy. These bastards, right?)
7) Too easy? Make it harder!
People with passive-aggressive traits turn any task into an impossible task. They complicate and confuse everything so much that they would have already done it ten times in that time. Well, at least something. But they get stuck in unimportant details, get confused in their thoughts, and ... don't do anything at all. If they are directly pointed to a simple and obvious path, they will not use it, but will complicate the situation to the point of feeling completely deadlocked.
8) Violation of agreements
You can negotiate with such a person, he even nods his head, but at the last moment he will either set you up, or not have time, or something will happen that will destroy all your plans. These are people you shouldn't count on. The fact is that they unconsciously believe that any agreement is a compulsion, a pressure. And for any "necessary" in their soul, the autopilot program "I won't let you force yourself!"turns on. It is interesting that people with PARL resist everything in general, even if their own interests coincide with what the other person expects from them.
9) Just not directly
People with passive-aggressive traits have great difficulty communicating. And this happens because they are trying to do everything indirectly. For example, if such a person wants to eat, then he will not say so directly and will not satisfy his need on his own, he will wait until hunger angers him, and then say something like: "Are we going to have dinner today at all or not!?"
He acts as if his goal is to be dissatisfied and dissatisfied, to hold a grudge and roll it out in hindsight. That is, to make sure that no one has a chance to fix what went wrong.
Such people, of course, cause great irritation. It's hard to live with them, it's hard to work with them. And how difficult it is for them! Just imagine: all your strength goes to constant resistance, stalling, you can not achieve results and constantly suffer from this. You think that everyone around you is to blame, that no one understands, wants or can help or support you. You feel a terrible, overwhelming loneliness and do not understand why all this is happening to you...
Where do passive-aggressive traits come from? It's very simple: once upon a time, parents forced the child to do as they saw fit, and he defended his autonomy, resisting their pressure. For direct refusal, he received punishment, so he learned to refuse covertly, passively. Once this struggle was external (with his parents), but over time he got so used to constantly fighting that it turned into an internal struggle. More precisely, in the habit of resisting and rebelling.
What should I do about it? Those who suffer from their passive aggression should listen to their desires, voice them, and learn to say "no" out loud, not in a roundabout way. To those who are close — encourage direct refusal. This is very difficult for people with PARL.
PARL is not a pirate's attempt to pronounce the word "parliamentarian"; it is an abbreviation for "passive-aggressive personality disorder." The same disorder in which non-doing, procrastination, turning a small problem into an impossible one, and other highly annoying behaviors occur regularly.
I repeat: passive forms of behavior are found in everyone. But there are some people for whom it is so difficult to behave otherwise that it is almost impossible. It is in this case that we are talking about passive-aggressive personality disorder (PARD). That is, about people for whom passive forms of behavior are, so to speak, "basic equipment": in any tense situation, they react by going passive. For them, this is an automatic reaction, and not consciously chosen from many others.
The goal of passive behaviors is not to achieve results. And there are many ways to do this. For example:
1) Procrastination and postponement
When a person is asked for something, he says something like "let's do it later", "not now", "I'll look at it later" and so on... nothing happens. The naive petitioner seriously thinks that the interlocutor is really not up to it right now and expects that he will return to the topic when he is free. But this doesn't happen. Needless to say, even the most patient person sooner or later develops anger and resentment: his request was simply ignored, and it turns out that they lied, but he was counting on it... this is popularly called a "setup".
People with PARL, if they do something, do it at the last moment (which is why they harass those who are nearby). You can never be sure if you'll get what you're asking for.
2) Care
This form of passive behavior involves "not being present at all" in a situation or conversation. A person either physically leaves the room, or emotionally withdraws — changes the topic, sinks into silence, goes to the computer or phone.
3) "Playing Dumb"
Instead of doing it, the person asks a million questions: "How? Where to go? What should I say? And if it is so-and-so?" And the answers to these questions are either obvious, or you just need to think a little/Google to find answers to them. But the point is not to get these very answers, but to make it easier for the person who asks to do it himself than to explain it. What, in fact, is the calculation.
4) Forgetting
Yes, these people especially often forget something important that the other person asked for. Grandpa Freud also said that nothing just falls out of your memory: we forget either what is traumatic for us, or what we don't really want to remember or do (do you know how often I hear stories that a man once again forgets to take his passport when going to the registry office to get a divorce? And he doesn't lie, he really forgets. Because I'm not sure of my decision. There's a part of me that doesn't really want to get divorced)
5) "I want something, I don't know what"
Remember, there was such an extremely useful saying: "Deny — offer"? The people on PARL didn't hear her. When someone suggests something, they find disadvantages in any of the options. Everything doesn't suit them, everything doesn't suit them. But when the desperate interlocutors are already running out of fantasy (or an attack of well-founded aggression begins), and they directly ask our hero about what he wants, what would suit him, then... he can't tell them anything concrete. He denies without offering.
6) Lack of specifics
"What can I do to make you happy?"
"Well, something nice to make me feel happy."
- So, about the feeling is clear. What should I do to make it happen?
- I do not know, just do it and that's it!
And then there are resentments that the person was never made happy. These bastards, right?)
7) Too easy? Make it harder!
People with passive-aggressive traits turn any task into an impossible task. They complicate and confuse everything so much that they would have already done it ten times in that time. Well, at least something. But they get stuck in unimportant details, get confused in their thoughts, and ... don't do anything at all. If they are directly pointed to a simple and obvious path, they will not use it, but will complicate the situation to the point of feeling completely deadlocked.
8) Violation of agreements
You can negotiate with such a person, he even nods his head, but at the last moment he will either set you up, or not have time, or something will happen that will destroy all your plans. These are people you shouldn't count on. The fact is that they unconsciously believe that any agreement is a compulsion, a pressure. And for any "necessary" in their soul, the autopilot program "I won't let you force yourself!"turns on. It is interesting that people with PARL resist everything in general, even if their own interests coincide with what the other person expects from them.
9) Just not directly
People with passive-aggressive traits have great difficulty communicating. And this happens because they are trying to do everything indirectly. For example, if such a person wants to eat, then he will not say so directly and will not satisfy his need on his own, he will wait until hunger angers him, and then say something like: "Are we going to have dinner today at all or not!?"
He acts as if his goal is to be dissatisfied and dissatisfied, to hold a grudge and roll it out in hindsight. That is, to make sure that no one has a chance to fix what went wrong.
Such people, of course, cause great irritation. It's hard to live with them, it's hard to work with them. And how difficult it is for them! Just imagine: all your strength goes to constant resistance, stalling, you can not achieve results and constantly suffer from this. You think that everyone around you is to blame, that no one understands, wants or can help or support you. You feel a terrible, overwhelming loneliness and do not understand why all this is happening to you...
Where do passive-aggressive traits come from? It's very simple: once upon a time, parents forced the child to do as they saw fit, and he defended his autonomy, resisting their pressure. For direct refusal, he received punishment, so he learned to refuse covertly, passively. Once this struggle was external (with his parents), but over time he got so used to constantly fighting that it turned into an internal struggle. More precisely, in the habit of resisting and rebelling.
What should I do about it? Those who suffer from their passive aggression should listen to their desires, voice them, and learn to say "no" out loud, not in a roundabout way. To those who are close — encourage direct refusal. This is very difficult for people with PARL.
