How to get out of unpleasant situations

[Teacher]

Are you familiar with situations when you first broke into a conflict, and then thought: why did I need this, only ruined my mood? Or have your personal boundaries been pushed through, but you did not immediately notice? Understood later when time was lost. How to track the impending conflict in advance next time, how to keep personal boundaries and how to generally learn to respond consciously is the topic of this article.

There are three main positions of perception:

1. Position "I" when you are focused on yourself
2. The "You" position when you are focused on the other.
3. Position "Observer" - the so-called view from the outside.

1. Position "I" - concentration on yourself, on your feelings, "I" - the center of the universe: "I am outraged / ah, what an elephant, I almost crushed my leg, you have to look where you are going . "It can be said out loud, or it can just flicker in your thoughts.
2. The position of "You" - concentration on the other, on his feelings, the center of the universe - the other: "What happened to you, you stumbled, didn't hurt yourself?"
3. Position "Observer" - exit from the switched on position, look from the side: a person walked by, stumbled, accidentally stepped on.

The first two positions are included, the third is removed.

There are no good or bad positions, there are those that meet the goals of a particular situation and that do not.

For example, let's say you're going on vacation and buying a tour. When buying, you focus on yourself: you choose a hotel with a beautiful interior and good cuisine, mentally try your back on a sun lounger on the beach, feel a glass of mojito in your hands, ask about the duration of the flight, trying on yourself in an airplane chair. The position of "I" is adequate here, it is important to pass all the details through the "I" in order to listen to the sensations and make the right choice.

And suddenly the travel agent offers an expensive excursion in addition that you don't need. Vividly describes, juggles your attention, applying the “see, hear, feel” technique: so that you can see the crimson sun setting behind the horizon, feel your feet sink pleasantly into the warm sand, hear the sound of the surf, feel the taste of salty spray and goosebumps from the pleasant breeze. If "I" is your leading position, you can fall into it, go for momentary emotions, live through the agent's description. You can first buy an unnecessary excursion by passing it through the "I", only then you will think: "Why?".

If the leading position is "You", concentration on others is closer to you, this will be the weak point. If the agent adds: "Take it, they demand from me to sell, otherwise the premiums will be deprived." An outsider drags you into his reality and switches you to "You". If you, out of habit, spontaneously switch to "You", you can buy unnecessary for reasons of "sorry to refuse a good person."

The example is deliberately exaggerated to understand the model. A travel agent can be replaced by anyone: a salesperson, a candidate for husband / wife, or just a random travel companion. Any person who deftly knows how to switch the positions of others. And it doesn't have to be an insidious manipulator. Many people do this unconsciously.

In order not to fall into the included positions, you need a well-trained "Observer". In the "Observer" you mentally pause the situation, mentally step back a few steps, mentally fence yourself off with armored glass, turn off the sound and observe through the glass from the side, without emotion: the agent, yourself, your interaction.

The goal is to change the on state to a side view. If you disconnect from "I" and "You" in time, take a break, mentally go out of the armored glass, this will save you from an impulsive decision.
It may take a few minutes at first, but as you train it will decrease to seconds.

If you do not learn to manage positions consciously, they will form on their own, without your participation, taking you to distant places where you, perhaps, did not want to at all.

If a person lives spontaneously from the "I" - he passes everything through himself. The advantage of this position is that life is bright, there are many emotions. “I” is, among other things, spontaneity and childlike spontaneity. This is the brightness and livability of all midtones. Minus - a person as mentally tries on a chaise longue with his back, and tries on all the accidents in the world. He almost physically experiences all the events that accidentally came into his field of vision. He is instantly drawn into the conflict in order to defend his “I”.

If he lives from "You", then those around him, their feelings and needs are more important than their own. It is a life outside of oneself, a feeling in others. Sometimes even to the point of ignoring the "I". But skillful mastery of this position is the path to intimacy, acceptance. In this position there is empathy, empathy is sharpened, trust is born. This is someone else's expert position, it is important in treatment, training, in any work with expert opinion.

In the “Observer” position, there are no emotions, life is a set of actions. The process, which is observed from the outside, without involvement. Possession of the "Observer" contributes to the ability to switch to a cold mind, in emergency cases not to panic, to control oneself. Ability to collect the whole picture of the situation into a single whole.

I repeat, there are no good or bad positions, there are adequate or inadequate positions for a particular situation. In "I" we want to be heard, to be accepted, hugged, given candy, stroked on the head. In "You" we can share our candy. In Observer, especially if the partner also owns this position, together we can rise above the situation, get the telescope and see where the nearest candy store is, and work out the route together.

Exercises for training positions:

1. In the next few dialogues, notice from which position you are most used to communicating. Do you concentrate more on yourself and your feelings in the “I” position? Or are you more accustomed to entering the position of others, moving into the position of "You", and pushing the position of "I"? Or are you accustomed to the "Observer": as a scientist, do you observe connections in a situation from the outside? Maybe all your positions are well developed? Do you control them, or are they you?

2. Also try to do it in a conflict. Consciously remember the positions, notice exactly how you are in conflict, say from the “I”: “I told you, it will be my way!” or you give up the position of “You”: “Let it be your way”, or do you rise above the situation in the “Observer”, look from the side, see the situation in volume, in a 3-D model, can you mentally zoom in and out, detail the necessary parts?

3. Try to deliberately live one day from “I”, one from “You”, one from “Observer”. Notice how these states differ, how you feel about yourself in each. Which is easier, which is more difficult? Pay special attention to the harder one.

When you learn to control the positions of perception, from the "Observer" you will notice a conflict on the distant approaches, from the "I" you will be able to instantly catch the violation of boundaries, and from the "You" see and hear another, and not your reflection in it from the "I".