How to distinguish cockroaches from ladybugs or what are attitudes and how to deal with them?

[Tomcat]

I think every person, even very far from psychology, has heard the phrase "he has cockroaches in his head." What is it about? Most often it is about attitudes, or as they say in some areas of psychology "persuasion". Perhaps you heard from other people, and perhaps from yourself, such phrases "I can't", "I can't do it", "all women are bitches", "all men are goats", "all rich thieves"? These are of course the brightest, there is simpler, but the result is the same, these are the cockroaches that litter our life and prevent us from developing.

Beliefs are of two kinds, limiting and supporting. Restricting cockroaches, supporting this ladybugs. Cockroaches are poisoning our lives, ladybugs are filling. The task is to learn how to distinguish them, we drive out the cockroaches, we feed the ladybirds, it is understandable! And no matter how the cockroach asks, no matter how it makes its eyes, like the cat from the cartoon Shrek, no sweets.

Where do cockroaches come from? Of course, from childhood, there is such a term "imprint vulnerability", this is the period of our childhood when critical thinking is not only not developed, but simply absent. For example, a child at 3 years old begins to show independence, but he makes mistakes, but he does everything wrong and wrong, but he tries. But the parent prevents this in every possible way. I saw such a picture, I come to the kindergarten for my eldest child, he is already dressed with shoes and is ready to go out, and next to him there is a superman in the pose of a star and a beautiful granny is hovering around like an experienced fashion designer and dressing her high-ranking customer. Further more, I was in the pool, I go into the locker room and there mommy is dressing a 10 year old child who stands in the pose of a star.

What does the installation have to do with it? During this process, the installations usually go Dai me myself! You got your hands out of your ass! What are you doing is not right! You are still small, I will do everything for you! You can't do it! You can not! Can't handle it! Etc. In my practice, I had a huge number of cases of working with installations. My hands are growing from the wrong place! I have no hearing! I have no talent! And it was not children who spoke this, but grown-up uncles and aunts.

I can confidently say that every child is talented in his own way, there is not a single person who does not have a musical ear, this is such a rarity that it practically does not occur in nature. Of course, in order to conduct a London orchestra, your ear may not be enough, but in order to make music for pleasure.

Why do parents do this? Yes, everything is simple, because they were treated the same way, this is a hot potato phenomenon that is passed down from generation to generation. But everyone can change this and not pass this very potato on. As Karen Horney used to say, "we are the victims of the victims."

On the one hand, everything is simple, change the setting and everything will be fine, but in reality everything is not so simple. Change occurs slowly, not everyone is ready for it, and habitual behavior has a huge number of secondary benefits. Well, for example, the setting "I cannot", "I cannot succeed", "I am not capable of anything" saves a person from responsibility, from the risks of changing jobs, changing activities, changing needs, and so on. Better to sit quietly in your swamp and complain about life. There are also types of installations that, well, just perfectly help to absolve themselves of the responsibility "they are to blame", they can be anyone, parents, children, bosses, government, neighbors and anything that can be blamed.

The worst thing is that installations are glasses through which a person looks at life. As the saying goes, the riding style of the roof is determined by the cockroach behind the wheel.

For example, a woman of 40-45 years old comes to see a psychologist, a request for a relationship with men. Relations were, then alcoholics-brawlers, then womanizers, then loafers. When asked why you choose such, the answer is "but everyone is like that." Here are the glasses through which a person looks at the world. If the attitude "all men are drunkards, womanizers and loafers", then on the way there will be just such. And on normal reactions no one wakes up, they are not in the field of vision, they do not pass the filters of attention. But even if a relationship begins to form with such a man, such a woman will maximally create conditions for him to start drinking, walking and messing around. Moreover, it will be so unconscious that when asked whether there were any reproaches, devaluation, nit-picking on your part for any reason? Of course not, well, I tell him, why can't you come to the regiment, you crooked bastard,

Do you understand? Attitudes work imperceptibly, but their consequences can be detected by a person from the outside. And it could be a psychologist.

How to work with installations?

The first and most difficult thing is to detect the attitude and detect its consequences. The second is to question the attitude. This can be done in the following way, from the affirmative form to the interrogative one.

For example:

All men are goats? Are all women mercantile bitches? I can't, I don't succeed?

Beliefs are formed in the following way, first someone said, for example, parents, then it is finally formed in the form of confirmation. You can't do it! I tried it once, tried it a second time - it didn't work! All set up!

Now we translate into doubt. All men are goats? Add doubts! Is everything straight? Strengthening! How many do you know? Do you know that there are more than 3 billion men on earth, and all the goats are straight? Have there been any examples in your life when it was wrong? And so on, the task is to transfer a belief into a zone of doubt, and doubt is the place where you can change a belief to a more productive one. That is, change a cockroach to a ladybug.

With the rest of the beliefs by the same analogy. Are all women mercantile bitches? Is everything straight? Can't you do it? Nothing at all? Etc.

Of course, in a short time, the belief will not take root and life will not change as quickly as you want. If a belief has taken place in your life for 10-20 or more years, it is easy to change it, but how to live with a new one? Now, after all, all life will be different, unknown, mysterious and full of experiments. It is much easier to live as you are used to, sad, bad, but familiar. And here the choice is for everyone, you can continue to blame men and women for imperfection, or you can build healthy, harmonious relationships, you can continue to blame yourself, your boss and the team, or you can do other activities and earn decent money, you can continue to yell at your child, or you can learn effective parenting model and become a supportive parent for your child. The choice is always yours.

What is the result? All men are different! All women are different! I will succeed, I will try! I can, I can handle! I will learn! This is the result of the transformation of attitudes into productive ones. Therefore, advice for parents, form supportive attitudes in your children, this will be very useful for them in the future. Well, if you are already an adult and are filled with limiting beliefs then do not give up, it is never too late to change that! Because "it's too late" is also a limiting belief.