Lord777
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Dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive is emotionally exhausting. Since these people cannot honestly show emotions, they present the story as if they are being used and abused.
What is passive aggressive behavior?
This is the use of passivity and flanking maneuvers to satisfy their own needs and desires in a relationship. Passive-aggressive people do not recognize their own thoughts and emotions. They express their negative and unwanted feelings and qualities by projecting them outwardly, instead of processing them internally.
Once upon a time, passive-aggressive disorder was considered a form of personality disorder and was included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness. However, since experts recognized that passive aggression is common among people who do not suffer from mental disorders, it was removed from the list.
How do such people behave?
- Passive-aggressive people, instead of directly expressing their needs and desires, deny you their time, support, resources and attention. For example, they defiantly don't talk to you.
- They may inadvertently cheat, fail to fulfill specific requirements or agreed obligations. To claim that they were rather unable than unwilling to do something.
- Many show passive aggression in an “indirect” way: through procrastination, procrastination, unintentional forgetfulness and inefficiency. People can swear they are not at fault and make you feel overly demanding.
- They constantly grumble and get in a bad mood, but instead of explaining it or admitting it, they make you“ guess ”what happened.
- They use petty complaints as a way of expressing their displeasure - complaining about small things.
- During conflicts, they can suddenly close. When they feel your dissatisfaction, they begin to defend themselves and answer with a sharp "okay", "as you want" and the like.
- They may simply avoid difficult situations or“ disappear ”in the midst of a conflict.
- They use sarcasm and humor to put you in your place, claiming that they were "just kidding."
- They show violence indirectly, for example, they can hit walls, slam doors or harm themselves.
Interacting with someone who is passive-aggressive leaves you devastated because you are dealing with an emotionally immature person most of the time. Such people do not want to take responsibility for their actions, admit their feelings, or be responsible for the consequences of their choices.
How does this affect us?
Dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive is emotionally exhausting. Since these people cannot honestly show emotions, they present the story as if they are being used and abused. Suddenly, it turns out that you have to "work with anger" for them. For example, your passive-aggressive spouse may constantly tell you how his boss is bringing him up. However, the story is emotionally dry, and its hero never takes any action to resolve the problem.
You are forced to feel anger for him. As a result, you risk getting more turned on than him.
With such immature behavior and avoidance of responsibility, they resemble a child who returns from school and tells his mother that his classmates have offended him, expecting that his mother will do something.
The hostility of a passive-aggressive person is usually disguised as politeness, courtesy, innocence, and patience. This facade can confuse you: why is such a kind and generous person so annoying? If you do not look closely at its features and do not understand them, passive aggression is invisible. Thus, it is very important to know when passive aggression becomes a form of covert relationship abuse, especially if it is disguised as harmless and even friendly behavior.
How to deal with passive-aggressive people?
If you realize that you are dealing with someone passive-aggressive, practice a mature and decisive approach to the situation. For example, tell yourself:
"I suspect this is passive-aggressive behavior."
"I will not engage in an unproductive cycle of passive-aggressive conflict."
"These people don't want to openly express anger and dislike."
"I admit that I also feel anger, but if I act out of irritation, the problem will be mine."
"Instead, I take back as much control over my senses as possible."
"Inside passive-aggressive people, there is still a fearful person who has not learned how to manage his anger."
"I am dealing with an emotionally immature person, so I should take an adult position."
“Perhaps when I calm down I can be empathetic to them. However, this does not mean that I will allow my boundaries to be violated."
Reflection points
The first and most important step is to identify early signs of passive-aggressive behavior and try not to fall into the trap of unnecessary shame and guilt. Look for obvious signs, such as playing silent or refusing to communicate as punishment. Listen to what your senses and your body are saying, especially when it comes to creating new relationships. Then ask yourself the following questions.
1. How do I feel after spending a long time with this person?
2. Do I feel that he is not saying what he thinks?
3. Do I feel embarrassed, irritated, tense?
4. Do I feel like I can be honest and open about my own needs?
5. Do I feel like I am interacting with an emotionally generous and independent adult?
6. Have I (or am now) in a relationship with someone passive-aggressive? (Consider the exhausting relationship - work, friendship, and love.)
7. How can passive-aggressive people use my empathy to drain their passive anger?
8. How does interaction with these people affect my physical, mental and emotional state?
Ultimately, it's not your job to service or heal other people's dysfunctional emotional patterns. You can only live life to the fullest if you take care of your own needs first. Stop blaming yourself for everything that happens in the relationship and suspect that something is wrong with you, listen to your inner guide, and you will find understanding, compassion and confidence that will turn your empathy into strength.
Based on materials from the book "I've had enough!"
What is passive aggressive behavior?
This is the use of passivity and flanking maneuvers to satisfy their own needs and desires in a relationship. Passive-aggressive people do not recognize their own thoughts and emotions. They express their negative and unwanted feelings and qualities by projecting them outwardly, instead of processing them internally.
Once upon a time, passive-aggressive disorder was considered a form of personality disorder and was included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness. However, since experts recognized that passive aggression is common among people who do not suffer from mental disorders, it was removed from the list.
How do such people behave?
- Passive-aggressive people, instead of directly expressing their needs and desires, deny you their time, support, resources and attention. For example, they defiantly don't talk to you.
- They may inadvertently cheat, fail to fulfill specific requirements or agreed obligations. To claim that they were rather unable than unwilling to do something.
- Many show passive aggression in an “indirect” way: through procrastination, procrastination, unintentional forgetfulness and inefficiency. People can swear they are not at fault and make you feel overly demanding.
- They constantly grumble and get in a bad mood, but instead of explaining it or admitting it, they make you“ guess ”what happened.
- They use petty complaints as a way of expressing their displeasure - complaining about small things.
- During conflicts, they can suddenly close. When they feel your dissatisfaction, they begin to defend themselves and answer with a sharp "okay", "as you want" and the like.
- They may simply avoid difficult situations or“ disappear ”in the midst of a conflict.
- They use sarcasm and humor to put you in your place, claiming that they were "just kidding."
- They show violence indirectly, for example, they can hit walls, slam doors or harm themselves.
Interacting with someone who is passive-aggressive leaves you devastated because you are dealing with an emotionally immature person most of the time. Such people do not want to take responsibility for their actions, admit their feelings, or be responsible for the consequences of their choices.
How does this affect us?
Dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive is emotionally exhausting. Since these people cannot honestly show emotions, they present the story as if they are being used and abused. Suddenly, it turns out that you have to "work with anger" for them. For example, your passive-aggressive spouse may constantly tell you how his boss is bringing him up. However, the story is emotionally dry, and its hero never takes any action to resolve the problem.
You are forced to feel anger for him. As a result, you risk getting more turned on than him.
With such immature behavior and avoidance of responsibility, they resemble a child who returns from school and tells his mother that his classmates have offended him, expecting that his mother will do something.
The hostility of a passive-aggressive person is usually disguised as politeness, courtesy, innocence, and patience. This facade can confuse you: why is such a kind and generous person so annoying? If you do not look closely at its features and do not understand them, passive aggression is invisible. Thus, it is very important to know when passive aggression becomes a form of covert relationship abuse, especially if it is disguised as harmless and even friendly behavior.
How to deal with passive-aggressive people?
If you realize that you are dealing with someone passive-aggressive, practice a mature and decisive approach to the situation. For example, tell yourself:
"I suspect this is passive-aggressive behavior."
"I will not engage in an unproductive cycle of passive-aggressive conflict."
"These people don't want to openly express anger and dislike."
"I admit that I also feel anger, but if I act out of irritation, the problem will be mine."
"Instead, I take back as much control over my senses as possible."
"Inside passive-aggressive people, there is still a fearful person who has not learned how to manage his anger."
"I am dealing with an emotionally immature person, so I should take an adult position."
“Perhaps when I calm down I can be empathetic to them. However, this does not mean that I will allow my boundaries to be violated."
Reflection points
The first and most important step is to identify early signs of passive-aggressive behavior and try not to fall into the trap of unnecessary shame and guilt. Look for obvious signs, such as playing silent or refusing to communicate as punishment. Listen to what your senses and your body are saying, especially when it comes to creating new relationships. Then ask yourself the following questions.
1. How do I feel after spending a long time with this person?
2. Do I feel that he is not saying what he thinks?
3. Do I feel embarrassed, irritated, tense?
4. Do I feel like I can be honest and open about my own needs?
5. Do I feel like I am interacting with an emotionally generous and independent adult?
6. Have I (or am now) in a relationship with someone passive-aggressive? (Consider the exhausting relationship - work, friendship, and love.)
7. How can passive-aggressive people use my empathy to drain their passive anger?
8. How does interaction with these people affect my physical, mental and emotional state?
Ultimately, it's not your job to service or heal other people's dysfunctional emotional patterns. You can only live life to the fullest if you take care of your own needs first. Stop blaming yourself for everything that happens in the relationship and suspect that something is wrong with you, listen to your inner guide, and you will find understanding, compassion and confidence that will turn your empathy into strength.
Based on materials from the book "I've had enough!"
