Consent is a large and complex topic that does not boil down to the usual yes and no. It concerns both little things (what kind of chocolate to buy) and serious situations (with whom and how to communicate). It depends on consent what you think of yourself, how you interact with others and what kind of world you live in.
Being able to ask a question is an important part of agreement. We publish excerpts on this topic from the book "NO - always NO". The book will be useful to everyone who wants to build harmonious relationships, but is especially relevant for teenagers. You can read it in a row, like a tutorial on the art of negotiating, or you can from any place, finding the answer to your question. Or you can keep a book close at hand and drop in to cheer up.
? How to ask and ask
It's not at all cool to do something for another person without first asking if he / she wants it. This behavior is fundamentally wrong. But you can ask in such a way that the consent turns out to be involuntary - even if you did not have the goal of coercing the other.
It seems to be obvious: until you ask, you will not know. But first, think: did the person somehow show interest in the joint business? For example, you want to ask someone out on a date. Are there any prerequisites that your proposal will not catch a person by surprise?
Asking at a swoop is not an idea. Most likely, the person will answer "no", and the refusal will upset you.
When you put another in a situation of choice, explain in as much detail as possible what you are asking for and why. When asking for something, people often make a typical mistake: they do not explain for whom they are doing it. For yourself, for the other, for both at once? It would be great to explain this every time. It's okay to ask for what only you need, or to do something for a person at his request. For example, a loved one looks like he needs a hug.
Ask if you can hug him (her). What if you want to be hugged? Then ask another to do it. Both options are good.
But the bad one: you want to hug, but you ask the other if he needs hugs now. It turns out that under the guise of caring for a person, you serve only your own needs. No, really. If you want to be hugged, say so.
?
How to ask for something while giving the other maximum choice?
It's a good idea to start with a question that has more than two possibilities. "Would you like to watch Double Crunch later?" - not really. "How about watching something like Double Crunch?" - already better. Going back to the hug example, you might ask, "Do you mind if I hug you?" or "Maybe you want to hug, snuggle close to me, or so I put my hand on your shoulder?" And a very cool option: “Maybe you need some kind of support now? Hug you? Or treat with a chocolate bar? Or give advice? Or do not let you sour alone? "
After asking a person, do not repeat yourself - once is enough. You can clarify if you need additional information to help you make a decision. But as soon as a person receives everything he needs, leave him alone. The choice will not be voluntary, if you repeat the same thing - it already looks like coercion. It is important to learn how to ask good questions in order to offer people more opportunities.
If we propose to make a choice between “want” and “don't want”, there is little freedom in this.
Consider questions that have at least three options other than rejection. As awkward and difficult as it sounds, the result is worth it.
Being able to ask a question is an important part of agreement. We publish excerpts on this topic from the book "NO - always NO". The book will be useful to everyone who wants to build harmonious relationships, but is especially relevant for teenagers. You can read it in a row, like a tutorial on the art of negotiating, or you can from any place, finding the answer to your question. Or you can keep a book close at hand and drop in to cheer up.
? How to ask and ask
It's not at all cool to do something for another person without first asking if he / she wants it. This behavior is fundamentally wrong. But you can ask in such a way that the consent turns out to be involuntary - even if you did not have the goal of coercing the other.
It seems to be obvious: until you ask, you will not know. But first, think: did the person somehow show interest in the joint business? For example, you want to ask someone out on a date. Are there any prerequisites that your proposal will not catch a person by surprise?
Asking at a swoop is not an idea. Most likely, the person will answer "no", and the refusal will upset you.
When you put another in a situation of choice, explain in as much detail as possible what you are asking for and why. When asking for something, people often make a typical mistake: they do not explain for whom they are doing it. For yourself, for the other, for both at once? It would be great to explain this every time. It's okay to ask for what only you need, or to do something for a person at his request. For example, a loved one looks like he needs a hug.
Ask if you can hug him (her). What if you want to be hugged? Then ask another to do it. Both options are good.
But the bad one: you want to hug, but you ask the other if he needs hugs now. It turns out that under the guise of caring for a person, you serve only your own needs. No, really. If you want to be hugged, say so.
?
How to ask for something while giving the other maximum choice?It's a good idea to start with a question that has more than two possibilities. "Would you like to watch Double Crunch later?" - not really. "How about watching something like Double Crunch?" - already better. Going back to the hug example, you might ask, "Do you mind if I hug you?" or "Maybe you want to hug, snuggle close to me, or so I put my hand on your shoulder?" And a very cool option: “Maybe you need some kind of support now? Hug you? Or treat with a chocolate bar? Or give advice? Or do not let you sour alone? "
After asking a person, do not repeat yourself - once is enough. You can clarify if you need additional information to help you make a decision. But as soon as a person receives everything he needs, leave him alone. The choice will not be voluntary, if you repeat the same thing - it already looks like coercion. It is important to learn how to ask good questions in order to offer people more opportunities.
If we propose to make a choice between “want” and “don't want”, there is little freedom in this.
Consider questions that have at least three options other than rejection. As awkward and difficult as it sounds, the result is worth it.
