A key aspect of the art of inner play is the ability to recognize and transform difficult, unpleasant feelings that may arise in a given situation. One of the main factors that determines whether we end up in a CRASH (non-resource state) or stay in a zone of excellence or in a COACH state is our ability to hold on to difficult feelings. Often, difficult feelings are lack of centering, or shadow forms of archetypal energies, such as rage, grief, frustration, panic, anxiety, and so on.
Transformation Master Richard Moss points out that the distance between us and other people is exactly the same as the distance between us and us. This means that our relationship to other people and to the world around us reflects our relationship to ourselves. It is from this fundamental relationship with ourselves that our relationships with others and with the world arise. Our relationship with ourselves is often limited by those feelings with which we do not know how to cope, accept, hold and love in ourselves.
The word "hold" refers to the relationship between two things: the one who is holding and the one who is being held back. This relationship is well symbolized by the metaphorical image of a mother holding a child in her arms. A child is the primary somatic feeling, sensation or reaction that we experience. Mother is the reaction of our nervous system to these primary feelings or reactions.
If the baby cries and the mother experiences tension, anger or anxiety, the baby's condition will only worsen. If the mother simply holds the child in her arms, remaining in a state of care and support, the child will soon calm down (thanks to mirror neurons), gently and naturally come out of the uncomfortable state.
The same dynamic emerges in our relationship with feelings. If we fear, deny them, or try to fight them, then we only exacerbate tension, discomfort, and confusion. As the saying goes, "we attract what we resist." If we recognize and hold these feelings, remaining centered, open, aware, maintaining contact with them, they cease to be a "problem" and their energy can either be released or transformed into a more resourceful state.
You can use the following methods to hold on to difficult feelings.
• Refusal from habitual reactions.
• Unconditional acceptance of the feeling for what it is.
• Lack of attempts to change the feeling.
• Calmness, patience and lack of rush.
• Calm attention in relation to feeling.
• Trusting your feelings as they are, understanding that any feelings always have a positive intention and purpose.
• Feeling part of a larger field.
• A friendly attitude towards feeling.
• Non-judgmental curiosity about feeling.
Virginia Satir found it helpful to identify and acknowledge non-resource feelings or attitudes about difficult feelings. At the same time, “feelings about difficult feelings” can be realized, accepted and retained, while remaining in a larger and more resourceful field of awareness.
We may have the following reactions to difficult feelings.
• Desire to get rid of them.
• Desire to change them.
• Desire to analyze or explain them.
• Identification with them (we “lose ourselves” in them).
It is important for the coach to understand that secondary feelings are as much an element of the problem state as primary feelings. If we are not aware of this, then we run the risk of identifying with secondary feelings and trying to get rid of primary feelings. If we do not know how to deal with the primary feeling, then, as a rule, we try to get rid of it.
In general, our difficult feelings, like an upset child, need our attention and support the most. If we can hold these feelings, then they are transformed, and instead of tension and a feeling of loss of contact, relaxation and a sense of connection arise. Therefore, do not rush to get rid of unpleasant feelings. Treat them so that they can transform. Then the energy of difficult feelings will again return to the stream of life. This is how we restore the energy that was previously spent trying to avoid difficult feelings. As a result, we can be more fully present and more actively involved in what is happening around us.
The goal of the next exercise is to discover and use the resources needed to be present and hold on to difficult feelings that make us lose contact with the present moment.
Identify a difficult situation when you have difficult feelings that you cannot hold and which "throw" you out of the zone of perfection into a CRASH state.
Experience this feeling and let your body express it. Bring acceptance and awareness into this feeling, do not try to change, analyze or explain it.
From the book: "NLP-2: Next Generation"
Transformation Master Richard Moss points out that the distance between us and other people is exactly the same as the distance between us and us. This means that our relationship to other people and to the world around us reflects our relationship to ourselves. It is from this fundamental relationship with ourselves that our relationships with others and with the world arise. Our relationship with ourselves is often limited by those feelings with which we do not know how to cope, accept, hold and love in ourselves.
The word "hold" refers to the relationship between two things: the one who is holding and the one who is being held back. This relationship is well symbolized by the metaphorical image of a mother holding a child in her arms. A child is the primary somatic feeling, sensation or reaction that we experience. Mother is the reaction of our nervous system to these primary feelings or reactions.
If the baby cries and the mother experiences tension, anger or anxiety, the baby's condition will only worsen. If the mother simply holds the child in her arms, remaining in a state of care and support, the child will soon calm down (thanks to mirror neurons), gently and naturally come out of the uncomfortable state.
The same dynamic emerges in our relationship with feelings. If we fear, deny them, or try to fight them, then we only exacerbate tension, discomfort, and confusion. As the saying goes, "we attract what we resist." If we recognize and hold these feelings, remaining centered, open, aware, maintaining contact with them, they cease to be a "problem" and their energy can either be released or transformed into a more resourceful state.
You can use the following methods to hold on to difficult feelings.
• Refusal from habitual reactions.
• Unconditional acceptance of the feeling for what it is.
• Lack of attempts to change the feeling.
• Calmness, patience and lack of rush.
• Calm attention in relation to feeling.
• Trusting your feelings as they are, understanding that any feelings always have a positive intention and purpose.
• Feeling part of a larger field.
• A friendly attitude towards feeling.
• Non-judgmental curiosity about feeling.
Virginia Satir found it helpful to identify and acknowledge non-resource feelings or attitudes about difficult feelings. At the same time, “feelings about difficult feelings” can be realized, accepted and retained, while remaining in a larger and more resourceful field of awareness.
We may have the following reactions to difficult feelings.
• Desire to get rid of them.
• Desire to change them.
• Desire to analyze or explain them.
• Identification with them (we “lose ourselves” in them).
It is important for the coach to understand that secondary feelings are as much an element of the problem state as primary feelings. If we are not aware of this, then we run the risk of identifying with secondary feelings and trying to get rid of primary feelings. If we do not know how to deal with the primary feeling, then, as a rule, we try to get rid of it.
In general, our difficult feelings, like an upset child, need our attention and support the most. If we can hold these feelings, then they are transformed, and instead of tension and a feeling of loss of contact, relaxation and a sense of connection arise. Therefore, do not rush to get rid of unpleasant feelings. Treat them so that they can transform. Then the energy of difficult feelings will again return to the stream of life. This is how we restore the energy that was previously spent trying to avoid difficult feelings. As a result, we can be more fully present and more actively involved in what is happening around us.
The goal of the next exercise is to discover and use the resources needed to be present and hold on to difficult feelings that make us lose contact with the present moment.
Identify a difficult situation when you have difficult feelings that you cannot hold and which "throw" you out of the zone of perfection into a CRASH state.
Experience this feeling and let your body express it. Bring acceptance and awareness into this feeling, do not try to change, analyze or explain it.
- Take a step away from the point in space that represents the difficult feeling and observe yourself experiencing the difficult feeling. How do you feel about this feeling? How do you feel about yourself when you have this feeling? What is your relationship with this feeling and with yourself when you are experiencing this feeling? A wide variety of feelings can arise about the primary feeling (shame, guilt, despair, anger, helplessness, and so on). As in the previous step, bring acceptance and awareness to this feeling, without any judgments or attempts to change it.
- Find the third point in space and change the state. To do this, turn around, move around, shake your arms and legs, and so on. Give yourself enough time to get into a resourceful state in which you are centered, open, clear (COACH state) and in touch with a field larger than you. What resources (trust, acceptance, curiosity, strength, love, and so on) can help you more respectfully, sympathetically, and resourcefully hold secondary feelings? Open up to the field and embrace resources without thinking about what's going on. Pay attention to what comes up in the field. These can be images, symbols, feelings, movements, and so on.
- Fully bring the resources that have arisen in the field into your body and being. (If necessary, find a reference experience for these resources and reproduce it as fully as possible.) Find a symbol and gesture or movement (somatic syntax) that express these resources and create the corresponding sensations in the body. Let the energy of these resources wash over you, pass through you, out of the field and into the field.
- With these resources and their symbols, be fully present in the body and awareness. Return to the second point (feelings about feelings). Don't try to change anything. Just keep the feelings and reactions associated with the second position in the general field of resources. Make a gesture or movement related to these resources. Notice how your perception and attitude towards secondary feelings changes.
- Now go to the point where the primary difficult feelings are and bring in the resources that you discovered. Again, don't try to change anything. Just keep difficult feelings and resources in the general resource field. Make a gesture or movement related to the resources you have discovered. How do you feel about difficult feelings right now? How has your ability to hold on to these difficult feelings changed?
From the book: "NLP-2: Next Generation"
