Fear of looking stupid, fear of ridicule, fear of rejection, rejection and fear of criticism, fear of negative assessments very often lead to the fact that a person stops his activity in business or in a relationship.
The fear of being rejected leads to the fact that a person plunges into procrastination, spends a lot of time worrying and inaction. At the same time, his reality does not change for the better, but what is just the opposite, it becomes worse.
Please write a list of your desires and needs.
It might look like this:
- I want to write to Vasya, find out how things are and talk.
- I want to start going to the pool and learn how to swim.
- You need to open a bank card.
- We must start running.
- We need to find friends.
- Write as it is, as it comes from the depths of the soul.
Now next to you add your FEAR, which leads to the fact that you have not done for a long time what is easy enough for any person who does not have your fear of rejection. He is not afraid of being rejected.
Fear should be written exactly as it manifests itself for you. In detail.
I want to write to Vasya, find out how things are and talk. I am afraid that Vasya will ignore me or answer politely and formally, there will be no conversation. And I will feel ashamed for being imposed.
I want to start going to the pool and learn how to swim. I'm afraid they'll tell me that they don't have swimming training for adults. They will refuse me. And I will be ashamed that an adult, but cannot swim.
You need to open a bank card. I am afraid that the bank will refuse me. They'll just send it, I don't know why. And I will be ashamed that I am not like everyone else, even the card cannot be opened.
We must start running. I am afraid that I will not be able to run even ten meters, and they will tell me "leave the stadium, you have nothing to do here." I’ll be terribly ashamed when I’m kicked out. It means that I am a complete failure.
We need to find friends. I am afraid that I will not be able to do it. Nobody wants to be friends with someone like me. They will refuse me, no one needs me. Or I will have to deceive and pretend that I am friends with someone who is not interesting to me at all.
The first step in dealing with any fear is to get to know the fear better, understand it 100%, investigate and figure out what kind of fear? What's behind it? What is it signaling?
When we tell (write down) our fear in detail, it ceases to be a huge and absorbing, foggy, cottony state. Fear becomes an ordinary useful emotion, behind which there is a rational or irrational semantic content. And already there is an opportunity to actively and meaningfully do something.
Very often, behind the fear of rejection, behind the fear of rejection, there is fear, to panic and horror, strong, fear of experiencing shame. Shame is excruciatingly experienced by people, and it is an effective way to stop yourself or your child from acting.
After you have compiled your list and wrote in detail what scares you in case of active actions, I propose to analyze:
What feeling was behind the fear of rejection?
Are there rational (reasonable) or irrational (memory of past bad experiences) reasons for your fear?
And then we act simply and effectively.
If there is a mistaken expectation behind the fear of rejection, the awakened memory of the past, then you need to work with that episode.
For example, Petya is afraid to write texts, because at school a teacher once criticized his essay and denied him the opportunity to ever write something.
Rationally, Petya knows that there are many stories of erroneous refusals. JK Rowling was refused by dozens of publishing houses (personally, I am still curious about what their bosses did with those who made the decision to refuse, when it became clear how much money and fame they had lost), they did not want to take Konstantin Meladze to a music school, and one of his first songs - hits were rejected, and he tried to erase it. And so there are hundreds and thousands of stories in the experience of mankind.
The rational part of you understands that the refusal can be wrong, it can be accidental, and this is only a one-time event, after which you need to continue to be active. Think and do.
But the child inside, the living memory of the past painful experience of the painful experience of rejection, says "STOP". I will want, but I will NOT do.
To dream, to dream - YES. Wanting - YES. Understand that action is needed - YES.
And to do - NO. STOP.
Because the memory is alive that being rejected is PAINFUL and ashamed.
I don't want that anymore, so the BLOCK is for living, vital activity in actions.
In my opinion, it is easier and more effective to work through past experience together with a psychologist.
In any case, independently or with the help of a professional psychologist, it is possible and necessary to resolve and complete the story from past experience that blocks your actions now with the fear of being rejected.
So, we divided the reasons for the fear and analyzed: are they real? Or is it "greetings from the past"?
Understood, reworked past experience.
Attention! They did not devalue it, did not brush it off, did not suppress it, and did not ignore it! Since in such cases it will be reproduced over and over again, because subconsciously the emotional charge remains, the situation is not comprehended, not resolved and not completed.
Another option is real reasons for fear.
We look at our list (and you are your own, of course) and check. What fears are real, justified?
Can Vasya ignore it? Yes
Can they refuse the bank? Yes
Maybe there isn't a swimming group for adults in the pool? Yes
Etc.
And then the solution here is simple, sustainable and effective: to find a clear step-by-step plan of your actions in case of failure.
You can even write it down in detail so that you can rely on.
The key is to keep Plan B very real and detailed.
If they refuse the bank "Merry buttercups", I will go to open the card in the "sultry poppies" 300 meters from the house, work from morning until evening, then to the "greedy goblins" - 700 meters from the house, and then to Sberbank - 100 meters from work.
If you refuse, I will clarify the reasons for the refusal.
And here the question to myself is imperative - what else am I afraid of? What's terrible?
And again: detailed answer to the question "what's wrong"?
Is it about reality (then a backup plan) or is it about the past (then working with a psychologist - present or imaginary)?
Even having received a 100% refusal, you definitely get access to the energy that was spent on fear and expectation, and you have a relief and the opportunity to use this energy for yourself, for yourself.
There are people for whom fear of relationships and fear of action become personality-forming, underlying their personality structure. These are people of the avoidant (anxious) personality type.
