"Why do you need him to cheat on you?" - What are you, what are you! I don't need it at all! This is terrible for me!
"Why do you need to be afraid of airplanes?" - No, God forbid! I want to get rid of it!
"Why are you sick?" No, no, you do not understand, I want to be cured.
What is it about? Unconscious benefit!
To people who are far from psychology, these "corrals" of the unconscious seem to be something unreal. We are used to believing only what floats on the surface.
But if you carry out extensive excavations inside, it turns out that:
You control everything and take on yourself, because in this way, for example, you feel more needed or reduce the anxiety of uncertainty. Or you make your spouse guilty just in order to gain power over him and a sense of need.
This is such a thing that you do not need at all, from the word, spoils your life. But you get some unconscious benefits from it. In other words, it is NOT needed for the rational, conscious part. But it is required like air to satisfy some important unconscious needs and desires.
Why do you need this fear? This anger? Is this insult?
I propose a simple (and most likely not very) exercise to identify this very benefit. Take a piece of paper and a pen. Set aside 15 minutes of time.
Write the first list of what the problem GIVES you (the maximum possible number of points) and the second list - what TAKES in your life. Write whatever comes into your head, even if the answers seem ridiculous.
You can ask yourself questions:
What does it give me? What do I get from this? Gaining? What happens if it is taken away? What am I NOT getting while I have it? What will I not get if I have it / don't have it?
There can be many variations. Ask questions in different ways, look from different sides until you get the most out of each item.
If everything is clear, stop. Usually there are not many benefits - one, two are usually the most important.
If still, as you think, is not very clear, try further.
From the first and second lists, for each item, also write your BENEFITS from each item. A huge tree or small shrub grows out of this, which unequivocally hints to you that "if the stars are lit, then somebody needs it ...".
Next, from the overgrown tree, we select those points that are similar, related to each other and combine it. We look at what happened and make the benefits (oh conclusions).
