The myth of emotional (non) dependence: how to be sovereign in a socially oriented world
Man is a social being: we are connected with others, depend on them, need them. However, you can see that in our time the opposite cult reigns - the cult of personal and emotional independence. What does it consist of and what does it give? What restrictions does it impose on us? Is it possible to be independent in a socially oriented world? And, most importantly, are we always ready for this?
Usually, about emotional (non) dependence, I meet two radically opposite opinions: it is impossible to be independent of others, this is a myth, and we always have to do what we don't want, or we must be absolutely independent from anyone in order not to do what we don't I want to. Do you feel a common edge? Both sides approach the topic of emotional (non) dependence through the prism of “doing what (one does not) want to” at the level of actions.
However, the truth, as usual, is somewhere in between: it is impossible to completely reject society and be realized as a person. To a greater extent, we are cooperative, herd, social creatures who have chosen the path of development based on this sociality. Therefore, a person who is completely separated from society is not capable of giving or taking anything from this society. Without building a single emotional connection in his entire life (which is technically impossible in principle), this person will lose, because live his life without realizing his full psychic potential.
That is, yes: by definition, we are emotionally dependent on society, because we are its direct product, and you can't get away from this (and is it necessary?). Another issue is growth within society. Yes, society also needs you, as you do, but the balance between mutual duty (dependence) and alienation (complete independence) is in the awareness that first society educates a person, then a person - society. Or rather, one unit constantly educates another, and this process is constant.
Thus, the first step to healthy emotional independence from loved ones (not a synonym for “relatives”) is the question “what can I give up and remain mentally, financially, sexually (substitute for yourself) stable?”. What can you provide for yourself? To do this, you need to figure out what and how much you take from society. What you take under the law, what is necessary (including emotional), and what you cannot take, but you do it.
"Don't" is another component of emotional maturity. “You cannot burden another with problems if he does not have the resource for this and we have not discussed it”, “you cannot pull love / friendship / other types of relationships out of people that they are not ready / do not want to be in them ”,“ you cannot ignore the other or punish with silence ”, and others“ cannot ”. Why? Because in each of these cases, one person shows emotional violence to another - he takes by force what he cannot (or no longer wants) to provide for himself.
The concept of "psychological crime" does not exist in society, but invisibly it is certainly present and has considerable influence. Others characterize this with the streamlined word "moral", but you can narrow this concept to a more precise and understandable message: in destructive relationships, mental suffering inevitably leads to the undermining of other spheres of life: physiological, economic, everyday, sexual.
Overload the other with your problems without willingness on his part, and the person runs the risk of being depressed or nervous. It's the same with stretching relationships, also with ignorance. Frustration - a collision with reality in which the expected did not coincide with the reality - can be constructive only when a person is CONSCIOUSLY ready for it. For example, a person decides to become economically independent from a loved one, and he fully realizes that in this case he will have to endure the frustration of separation: this is a possible temporary decrease in the standard of living, and a change in life , and a change in the emotional situation. All of these changes will have consequences.
In every aspect of our interactions with people, we get something. Even two silent, side by side, strangers get something from their silence. Do you realize what you will really lose if you try to separate? Are you aware of your level of readiness for separation? Do you realize its very need for you personally, and not because you read about it here?
The second step to emotional independence from loved ones is the question "what can I give to society?" What can you share with others, proceeding, again, not from the demands of society (and again, this article is a clear example of cultural demand), but from internal overcrowding. Real emotional inner overflow sooner or later pushes a person to share it with someone. If there is no person nearby, he chooses animals, however, with a high degree of probability, a psychologically healthy person will seek for this people - subjects equal to him, able to fully accept and appreciate his gift.
Once again, this idea should not be exaggerated. When you focus on giving everything to another person, you fall into the same addiction, because an insatiable need is formed - to give. Once it is transformed into a violent process: here's more of my concern, take more, what it means you don't want, I care about you, ungrateful. Excessive "falling" into social altruism can deprive you of all resources or multiply one, but take away the other.
Thus, to summarize: emotional independence is a comprehensive awareness of one's true needs and the ability to provide them in a non-violent way for oneself and others. In fact, this concept is not far from understanding psychological health. Emotional independence, and, based on what was said earlier, it is more optimal to call it "emotional freedom" - this is an important component of psychological health, it is also a person's mental stability.
If you master this balance, you can always provide yourself with a resource in “hungry times”, when there will be no support, but you can also give up too much, realizing that you are “full”. You will be able to share without feeling that it is a social necessity, and the need to do it, without looking back at the objective reality in which your resource may not be needed, or you are depriving yourself. Just sharing to help by mutual agreement. This is the pinnacle of emotional freedom.
Try meditation and yoga: it will help to return a conscious and adequate attitude to work.
Understand your priorities. Take the time to ask yourself what caused this condition. Perhaps what you are doing is not at all "yours", and the pleasure brings you a completely different kind of activity?
