Many of us live as if the 11th commandment existed: "Do not be angry" and the 12th: "Do not anger your neighbor," says Susan Forward, author of the book "Emotional Blackmail."
And they fall into the trap of emotional blackmailers.
Susan tells how to cope with undeserved feelings of guilt, discomfort, pain that arise from the toxic psychological pressure of other people.
1. No person living in peace with himself needs to control other people.
2. Blackmail is a means to control the situation and therefore to feel confident.
3. Emotional blackmail is effective only if we allow others to find out where our vulnerable spot is, and react painfully when touched.
4. We find it easier to believe criticism than praise. One hurtful comment can have more impact than twenty compliments. We take criticism more sharply and more attentively than praise. It seems to us that there is more truth and sincerity in criticism.
For this reason, even the most confident woman in her sexuality can be thrown off balance by a partner with negative remarks about her appearance, her behavior in bed, or comparisons with other women.
5. Negative comparisons make us feel inadequate. We are not as good, not as loyal, not as hardworking as this and that, and therefore we immediately feel anxiety and guilt. Such anxiety that they are ready to give in to the blackmailer in order to prove that he is mistaken in us.
6. The emotional blackmailer knows how much we value the relationship with him. He sees our weaknesses and innermost secrets. And no matter how much he loves us, the emotional blackmailer uses this knowledge to achieve what he needs: our submission.
7. Blackmailers build their conscious and unconscious strategy on the information about our fears that we provide them. They notice what we are afraid of, what makes us nervous, what words and actions we instinctively react to.
8. Blackmailers are good at masking psychological pressure, and often we feel it in such a way that later we doubt our sane perception of what is happening.
9. Why do so many intelligent, capable people get lost when faced with behavior that seems so obvious? One of the main reasons is that the blackmailer does everything so that we do not understand that he is manipulating us.
10. The unpleasant truth is that obedience to the demands of the blackmailer encourages him, and every time - consciously or unconsciously - we help a person to perform an action with concessions, we in the most definite way let him know that he can perform the same actions and further.
11. The "martyrs" may look weak, but in reality they are quiet tyrants. They don’t scream, they don’t make a scene, but their behavior hurts us, confuses us and generates hostility. These blackmailers have a real talent for making you completely responsible for what happens to them.
12. Love and respect for the blackmailer is equated with complete submission, and if he does not achieve it, then presents the current state of affairs as a betrayal.
13. Understanding and compassion will not lead to anything good if you are faced with emotional blackmail. In reality, these feelings only push the blackmailer to take more decisive action.
14. In addition to distorting perceptions, many blackmailers increase pressure on their victims, raising doubts about their qualities, motives and merits.
15. Blackmailers believe that conflicts arise from our delusions and imbalances, and they consider themselves to be wise people, acting from good intentions. To put it simply, we are the bad guys and they are the good guys.
16. The blackmailer will insist, pulling out of context individual quotes, comments and teachings from various sources in order to prove that there is only one truth in the world, and this truth is his.
17. Emotional blackmailers often accuse us of not being able to love or maintain friendships simply because we do not want the closeness with lovers or friends that they demand of us.
This type of inferiority blame is a vulnerability for many of us, especially if we view intimate relationships as a litmus test and a response to our mental health.
While blackmailers exaggerate, to put it mildly, when they claim that the relationship failed because we are sick or flawed, such statements hit the target and are often effective.
18. Manipulation becomes emotional blackmail if it is used consistently to coerce us into yielding to the blackmailer at the expense of our own desires and well-being.
19. Regardless of the style of the blackmailer, he uses pressure, albeit hidden, under benevolent motives.
20. The price to be paid for surrendering to the blackmailer is enormous. His remarks and behavior unbalance us, leaving us feeling ashamed and guilty.
We understand that we need to change the situation, and we constantly vow to do it, but once again we fall into cunning, deception or trap.
We start to doubt our ability to keep promises, we lose confidence. At the same time, self-esteem is underestimated.
But perhaps the worst of all, every surrender to emotional blackmail destroys our integrity - the inner compass that guides our values and behavior.
While emotional blackmail is not a serious crime, keep in mind that the stakes are high.
When we put up with emotional blackmail, it eats away at us from the inside out and jeopardizes our most important relationships and self-esteem.
