Dependent personalities

[Teacher]

Psychologists, basically, talk about codependency only when a chemical or situational addiction occurs in one of the family members - alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, and this issue is also raised in food addiction.

However, the phenomenon of addiction and codependency is much broader than it might seem. It extends not only to families of alcoholics, moreover, in order to become a codependent family member (husband or wife of an addict, to develop codependent relationships with children in his family), certain prerequisites are needed. We will talk about them in this article.

Prerequisites for the formation of a personality prone to dependence and codependency

By about 3 years of age, the child must pass from the stage of symbiotic connection with the mother to independent movement in the knowledge of the world around him. But this can only happen if the mother has given the child a sufficient sense of security and safety.

And in order to give it, you need to be the most confident in yourself, your strengths, to feel basicly protected in this world, which, alas, not all mothers have. Often the exact opposite happens: a mother who is afraid not to cope with the situation for one reason or another, overloaded with fears both for herself and for the child, constantly generates anxiety.

As a result of this anxiety, she tries to satisfy the child's needs "ahead of the curve," endlessly "experiences", is afraid of any manifestation of his displeasure, and so on. She is constantly in terrible tension on the topic "my child should always be all right."

As a rule, inside it is "otherwise I am a bad mother" or "otherwise something irreparable will happen to my child." Most often both units are available.

As a result, the child does not feel safe due to the chronic anxiety of the mother and gets used to the fact that the mother is constantly trying to satisfy any of his needs, not allowing him to deal with them at least something on his own ...

Psychological addiction

Let me give you a simple example. Let's say a child woke up at night from the fact that he took some kind of uncomfortable position in his sleep. His first reaction is to cry. But if you give the child a little time, he himself can find a comfortable position and calm down.

An anxious mother almost never gives the child time to decide for himself whether the problem is serious or not, whether the problem is worth calling the mother, or you can solve it on your own. So he gets used to it, growing up: the older he is, the more his problems are solved by his mother. And not vice versa, as, in theory, it should be: the older he is, the more independent.

Remember this expression: "Little children - little trouble, and when children grow up, they grow up and are poor"? It is a reflection of anxious mothers. And the reflection of the process of the formation of psychological dependence, and sometimes - not only psychological.

All this leads to the fact that in those very three years, when a personality, his own “I” begins to actively wake up in him, he is not able to get enough psychological freedom. He cannot switch to knowing the world, leaving his mother a little aside (which is already available to him by age).

After all, his mother constantly feels anxiety for him, constantly tries to solve his problems, in fact, she cannot allow him to act independently, her anxiety generates control, and does not allow the child to grow up. So the child is partially stuck in this stage of development. Psychological dependence and the feeling of his own "inadequacy" become for him a familiar and even vital background.

After all, being dependent, he receives a strong return in the form of maternal love, support and approval. The sign of equality between love and addiction is becoming more pronounced every year.

Developing in such conditions, the child does not become an integral person, he grows up with the feeling that there should always be someone nearby who “helps” him to be whole. And he cannot be integral by himself - he is accompanied by a constant maternal "what if he does something wrong", "what if he falls and breaks himself," "what if he makes a mistake," and so on.

And the child himself gets used to believing it, but already at the subconscious level, because very few people remember how his relationship with his mother proceeded at the age of 2-3 years, and even more so earlier. He gets used to believing that he cannot live on his own. That he always needs someone to be responsible, manage, control, worry and care.

Psychological dependence and chemical dependence: men and women

Psychological addiction and codependency

In men, further development occurs more often as follows: first, a man tries to separate from his parents and become independent. But he begins to feel a latent dissatisfaction and anxiety: after all, the “rescuers”, “controllers”, those who are anxious and whose attention is constantly riveted to him, are no longer there.

And then alcohol, drugs, a game or some other virtual reality that captures him entirely comes into his life. So he can again sink into a state of deep childhood - when he is again rescued, "pulled out" and cared for.

By this age, some mothers are even ready to put their child down, wondering that he does not want to grow up in any way. But more often than not he can no longer and can no longer without professional help. After all, love is strongly associated with his psychological dependence on his mother, and a sense of security is associated with the constant presence of a controlling and caring person.

Some sons are sometimes unable to part with their mother, and often it is the codependent relationship with her that prevents the sons from building their own family. Some find the strength to leave the parental home and find a constant companion, but as a partner they choose a woman who would be a substitute for their mother. Namely, she would behave the way my mother always behaved.

Most often, by the time they grow up, such men have a full set - both addiction and codependency. The need to use psychoactive substances, to get away from reality and the need to build a relationship with a woman similar to his relationship with his mother.

Subconscious functions of codependency

At the same time, play, drugs or alcohol help him to relieve the internal anxiety inherited from his mother, or rather, to temporarily suppress it, make him invisible to himself, stop concentrating on her.

All this, of course, happens unconsciously. On a conscious level, this is usually indicated by the phrase "I need to relax" or "I'm bored with life" or "life has no meaning."

But with all attempts to offer a person meanings, solutions for relaxation or obtaining new emotions, the addict protests: after all, if he switches to self-sufficiency, he will lose his sense of integrity, which is still achievable for him only through merging with another, with the one who will be to him firmly bound by fear and anxiety, who will be completely focused on him.

Women are more likely to fall into the trap of psychological addiction. She often needs not just a man, but someone who cannot do without her, who will constantly confirm her need for her. And, as a rule, men who are prone to addiction turn out to be such. After all, they "will be lost without it," "they will not be able to cope without it," and so on.

The scheme is the same here: a woman tries, at least temporarily, to eliminate the anxiety introduced by her mother, and most often actualizes it through the “rescue” of the man. And thus creates for itself a sense of integrity, which was previously experienced in a relationship with an anxious mother.

Dependency and codependency complement each other in this system: a man's dependence makes him helpless, insufficiently independent and in need of "supervision" from a woman.

And a woman who is prone to psychological dependence does not imagine a relationship with an independent and independent man - after all, then she will not feel so needed, there will be nothing to worry about and worry about all the time. And this is how she used to perceive and show love.

It happens, of course, and vice versa, when a woman becomes addicted, and a man takes on the role of a rescuer. But in our country, the classic scheme is more relevant, in which a woman “saves” a dependent man.

Illustration for a picture of codependent relationships

Addiction and codependency

In the community that I lead on one of the social networks, such a sketch once appeared. The author asked not to indicate her name, but allowed to give the text in full, which I do with gratitude. This text perfectly illustrates the classic scheme of dependency and codependency.

They lived, lived, lived. Good, but not for long. One day he came and said, “I fell into a well, I feel bad there, and I want to get out. I will get out myself, you just help me, hold the rope a little, and I will catch on to it and I will climb. "And she agreed.

He climbed to the edge of the well, and began to look around without getting out. And I saw that in fact life is a nightmare, and if you do something, you can fall into other wells. And I thought that this is how it is now - very good. The rope holds, you can look at the world, and even change it if you don't like it. Tell her: “Ay-yay-yay, some kind of grass is not green! I feel bad! I'm going to fall back into the well! "And she runs to paint the grass. Or he says, if the grass is not green, it's not scary, then it will turn green.

Time has passed. And she was tired of holding the rope. And sometimes she let go. And he could hold on to his arms, but when she was resting, he shouted: “How can you! You don't give a damn about me! "

And she said: "Get out of the well, live here!" He replied: “I'm here anyway, I see everything, and I see you even better, and even tell you how best, you just don't listen to me! And in general, you yourself took this rope, and said that you will hold it, so hold it! And I will not help you! "

He also said:

“Before I fell into the well, you were different, and that is how I loved you. And now you're ruining my life because I'm always nervous whether you drop me or not. And you always want to remake me! And I am what I am! If you don't want to be like this with me, go away! I will crawl out and live! "

And then another:

“No, I don't want you to leave. I don't need anything without you. Better with you. Let's settle in somehow. You better hold it, squeeze that stone over there ... But not so, Christmas tree-sticks, to the right of him! And wind the rope from this side. Damn, what are you? Do you think you know better how to hold the rope? You are always against me! I am wiser and have seen a lot in the well, and you have already dropped me several times! How much can you? No, everything is useless! You don't want to change, you don't want to listen to me, you only care about yourself, and you don't care about me. You hate me! You want to prick me all the time and put me in place. Like, I'm not doing anything, and you are holding the rope. But in fact, if I were not there, you would have nothing to keep. So, 50 to 50 ″ ...

...

I let go of the rope and rest my hands. I believe that he will climb out of the well and live. And if not next to me, then so be it.