Lord777
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To turn off the fear of strangers toggle switch, it's worth reminding yourself that you are ordinary people with their own problems and oddities. Many of them are as shy as you are, even though they look confident.
Realize that the people you are talking to are ordinary people.
To turn off the fear of strangers toggle switch, it's worth reminding yourself that you are ordinary people with their own problems and oddities. Many of them are as shy as you are, even though they look confident.
“For me, networking, expanding the circle of contacts is an indispensable element of work. It's hard for me, and I realized that it is not necessary to perceive communication as pleasure and entertainment. In fact, there are not so many born lovers of acquaintance. I learned to accept it and just go talk, ”says Dmitry, executive director of the technology company Genesis Vision.
“It helped me a lot just to repeat to myself that in front of me are absolutely the same people as me, and they are also worried. I began to treat people not with fear, but with respect, realizing that they, too, are probably uncomfortable, awkward and incomprehensible what to talk about. After that, I began to help strangers come into contact with me. I began to approach myself, start some kindly neutral conversations and noticed that it is almost always received positively, ”says Anna, editor of Meduza.
Consider the context
At fun parties, it's best not to get into serious conversations, and at business events it is hardly worth being overly eccentric. For communication to be successful, consider the place and time of the meeting.
In just a minute, it becomes clear whether you have common ground with your interlocutor. If so, you exchange contacts and then connect for deeper communication. But the first conversation is as simple as possible - no need to look for any reasons. No one has the goal of communicating on abstract secular topics. You can, of course, ask a couple of abstract questions out of politeness, but this is not necessary, ”Dmitry notes.
“The most relaxed communication with people potentially needed for work usually occurs at events where alcohol is served. It somehow discharges the atmosphere. At early business breakfasts, everyone is usually very stressful, and getting to know each other is much more difficult than at cocktail parties. So, if possible, it is better to choose relaxed formats, ”advises Gleb, PR manager at an international company.
Control your body
“I often remember the public speaking trainings I took when I worked at Deloitte. We analyzed the components of good speech. There are three of them: the content of speech, manner of speech and body language. All kinds of research and personal experience (mine and my colleagues') say that body language is the most important thing. It is not so important what you say - it is important how you present yourself. So it is imperative to be confident, smile, look people in the eye, ”says Alexander, an employee of the Ministry of Economic Development.
“I always keep track of whether a person is in an open or closed position. If a person is closed from the very beginning of the conversation, then he is uncomfortable and you need to try to help him. Often a good way to do this is to open up first, start talking about yourself. If the person changes their posture to closed when you touched on a specific topic, they obviously don't like talking about it. By body language, one can still judge the degree of a person's involvement in the dialogue: if he looks to the side, fidgets in his chair, then, most likely, he is hovering somewhere in his thoughts. You need to develop observation skills, learn to notice such markers in your own and other people's behavior, ”says Ivan, a recruiter at Revolut and a psychologist by training.
No negativity
A great way to ruin the evening for yourself and others is to start complaining about tiredness or talking about how annoying everything is. Sometimes common sorrows unite, but much more often conversations about bad things prevent you from leaving a pleasant impression about yourself.
“Even if you're at a party and you don't like the music, it's wrong to come in and talk about what a terrible party it is. For some reason, you and the interlocutor are here anyway, ”explains Anna.
“Of course, you need to behave naturally and be yourself, but in no case should you pretend to be a martyr. There is no need to demonstrate in every possible way that you are not a big fan of communication, parties, events and everything that happens is somehow unpleasant for you. It is necessary to tune in to a positive wave, then it will turn out to be attractive for dialogue, ”says Gleb.
Give Appropriate Compliments
Everyone is pleased to hear praise addressed to him, and a couple of successful compliments will help the interlocutor relax, and you will leave a good impression of yourself.
“We really rarely say nice things to each other. The world around is pretty aggressive. Becoming a comfortable conversationalist who can say something good is already cool. But there are nuances that should be taken into account. Firstly, my personal experience shows that very flamboyant compliments from strangers scare people. Secondly, it is better not to compliment the appearance: the person does not choose the appearance, and it is not worth evaluating it. But what a person does, how he is dressed, how he carries himself, says - this is already the result of some kind of work and his choice. This can and should be noted. But there are actually very few universal compliments - I am for an individual and sincere approach. If it seems to me that the color of the blouse suits a person very much, I will say so, ”says Anna.
Don't break boundaries
The choice of topics for conversation greatly depends on where you are. If you are meeting at a conference, exhibition or theater, you and your interlocutor already have at least one common theme - what you just saw and heard. In other cases, things can be more difficult. When you find an interesting topic of conversation, the main thing is not to violate the other person's personal boundaries.
“If a person is completely unfamiliar or unfamiliar, it seems to me a very bad idea to immediately discuss some very serious topics with him - politics, religion. This is especially inappropriate at fun events. But more than once I found myself in such conversations with people for whom these topics are, in principle, the main ones in communication. There are people in my circle for whom the evening will be wasted if they do not talk to everyone about Trump's policy towards Venezuela. If I am in a good mood and have enough energy, I will listen to them, and if not, I will turn off the conversation, ”says Anna.
“You can't touch on personal topics in conversation with unfamiliar people, I do not advise you to ask about your family. Human boundaries in space, in time are also very important. There is no need to get too close to the interlocutor or contact someone who looks busy, ”says Alexander.
Be genuinely interested in the interlocutor
A pleasant and interesting conversation will not work if you talk about yourself, not paying attention to the person in front of you. Dialogue requires the participation of at least two. Find a way to show the other person that you are really listening. And try to talk more about what is interesting to another.
“We always think about how to start a conversation, we worry if it will be interesting. And we forget how important it is to listen. And the guarantee of pleasant and effective communication is precisely in this, it seems to me. You need to listen actively: ask questions, be vividly and sincerely interested in the interlocutor, try to understand what topics cause him sincere delight, from which his eyes burn. It is necessary to give the interlocutor more space in the dialogue, and not fill the entire broadcast with yourself, ”notes Alexander.
Don't be intrusive
If the conversation does not go well and the interlocutor is clearly not happy with your company, it is senseless and tactless to continue trying to charm him. Not all conversations are destined to be interesting, and that's okay. Sometimes even the most open-minded people simply don't have the mood to get to know each other. And sometimes it turns out that someone does not like you personally, and this is also not a tragedy. As soon as you notice that the dialogue has exhausted itself, politely say goodbye and leave.
“It so happens that a person is not in the mood. Well, he does not want to get acquainted, he is all in his thoughts and did not count on any small talk at all. I try to feel it and somehow flow away. All the same, contact has already been established - it is quite possible that at the next meeting it will be possible to communicate.
There is no need to reinvent the wheel: you can say that you are going to wash your hands, smoke or make a call. It is necessary, of course, to wait for some natural pause in the conversation, not to interrupt the interlocutor, ”Anna advises.
“The longer you watch people, the better you will notice the difference between someone who doesn't react very openly to you and someone who reacts negatively. In the first case, you should try to create a comfortable atmosphere, and in the second, you just have to blame, this is obvious, ”Ivan notes.
Practice more
Learning any skill requires practice first, and the art of small talk is no exception. It is possible that at first you will be terribly nervous and even get into a couple of really awkward situations. But over time, the fear will go away. And the experience gained will help to better feel people and become more and more pleasant interlocutor.
“Feeling someone else's boundaries, someone else's subjectivity - emotional and intellectual - is a matter of practice. This cannot be learned at any theoretical level, ”says Anna.
“You just do it over and over, and at some point all the nervousness goes away. This is what the actors do: they repeat over and over again what is unusual for them in order to get into the role, ”explains Ivan.
Realize that the people you are talking to are ordinary people.
To turn off the fear of strangers toggle switch, it's worth reminding yourself that you are ordinary people with their own problems and oddities. Many of them are as shy as you are, even though they look confident.
“For me, networking, expanding the circle of contacts is an indispensable element of work. It's hard for me, and I realized that it is not necessary to perceive communication as pleasure and entertainment. In fact, there are not so many born lovers of acquaintance. I learned to accept it and just go talk, ”says Dmitry, executive director of the technology company Genesis Vision.
“It helped me a lot just to repeat to myself that in front of me are absolutely the same people as me, and they are also worried. I began to treat people not with fear, but with respect, realizing that they, too, are probably uncomfortable, awkward and incomprehensible what to talk about. After that, I began to help strangers come into contact with me. I began to approach myself, start some kindly neutral conversations and noticed that it is almost always received positively, ”says Anna, editor of Meduza.
Consider the context
At fun parties, it's best not to get into serious conversations, and at business events it is hardly worth being overly eccentric. For communication to be successful, consider the place and time of the meeting.
In just a minute, it becomes clear whether you have common ground with your interlocutor. If so, you exchange contacts and then connect for deeper communication. But the first conversation is as simple as possible - no need to look for any reasons. No one has the goal of communicating on abstract secular topics. You can, of course, ask a couple of abstract questions out of politeness, but this is not necessary, ”Dmitry notes.
“The most relaxed communication with people potentially needed for work usually occurs at events where alcohol is served. It somehow discharges the atmosphere. At early business breakfasts, everyone is usually very stressful, and getting to know each other is much more difficult than at cocktail parties. So, if possible, it is better to choose relaxed formats, ”advises Gleb, PR manager at an international company.
Control your body
“I often remember the public speaking trainings I took when I worked at Deloitte. We analyzed the components of good speech. There are three of them: the content of speech, manner of speech and body language. All kinds of research and personal experience (mine and my colleagues') say that body language is the most important thing. It is not so important what you say - it is important how you present yourself. So it is imperative to be confident, smile, look people in the eye, ”says Alexander, an employee of the Ministry of Economic Development.
“I always keep track of whether a person is in an open or closed position. If a person is closed from the very beginning of the conversation, then he is uncomfortable and you need to try to help him. Often a good way to do this is to open up first, start talking about yourself. If the person changes their posture to closed when you touched on a specific topic, they obviously don't like talking about it. By body language, one can still judge the degree of a person's involvement in the dialogue: if he looks to the side, fidgets in his chair, then, most likely, he is hovering somewhere in his thoughts. You need to develop observation skills, learn to notice such markers in your own and other people's behavior, ”says Ivan, a recruiter at Revolut and a psychologist by training.
No negativity
A great way to ruin the evening for yourself and others is to start complaining about tiredness or talking about how annoying everything is. Sometimes common sorrows unite, but much more often conversations about bad things prevent you from leaving a pleasant impression about yourself.
“Even if you're at a party and you don't like the music, it's wrong to come in and talk about what a terrible party it is. For some reason, you and the interlocutor are here anyway, ”explains Anna.
“Of course, you need to behave naturally and be yourself, but in no case should you pretend to be a martyr. There is no need to demonstrate in every possible way that you are not a big fan of communication, parties, events and everything that happens is somehow unpleasant for you. It is necessary to tune in to a positive wave, then it will turn out to be attractive for dialogue, ”says Gleb.
Give Appropriate Compliments
Everyone is pleased to hear praise addressed to him, and a couple of successful compliments will help the interlocutor relax, and you will leave a good impression of yourself.
“We really rarely say nice things to each other. The world around is pretty aggressive. Becoming a comfortable conversationalist who can say something good is already cool. But there are nuances that should be taken into account. Firstly, my personal experience shows that very flamboyant compliments from strangers scare people. Secondly, it is better not to compliment the appearance: the person does not choose the appearance, and it is not worth evaluating it. But what a person does, how he is dressed, how he carries himself, says - this is already the result of some kind of work and his choice. This can and should be noted. But there are actually very few universal compliments - I am for an individual and sincere approach. If it seems to me that the color of the blouse suits a person very much, I will say so, ”says Anna.
Don't break boundaries
The choice of topics for conversation greatly depends on where you are. If you are meeting at a conference, exhibition or theater, you and your interlocutor already have at least one common theme - what you just saw and heard. In other cases, things can be more difficult. When you find an interesting topic of conversation, the main thing is not to violate the other person's personal boundaries.
“If a person is completely unfamiliar or unfamiliar, it seems to me a very bad idea to immediately discuss some very serious topics with him - politics, religion. This is especially inappropriate at fun events. But more than once I found myself in such conversations with people for whom these topics are, in principle, the main ones in communication. There are people in my circle for whom the evening will be wasted if they do not talk to everyone about Trump's policy towards Venezuela. If I am in a good mood and have enough energy, I will listen to them, and if not, I will turn off the conversation, ”says Anna.
“You can't touch on personal topics in conversation with unfamiliar people, I do not advise you to ask about your family. Human boundaries in space, in time are also very important. There is no need to get too close to the interlocutor or contact someone who looks busy, ”says Alexander.
Be genuinely interested in the interlocutor
A pleasant and interesting conversation will not work if you talk about yourself, not paying attention to the person in front of you. Dialogue requires the participation of at least two. Find a way to show the other person that you are really listening. And try to talk more about what is interesting to another.
“We always think about how to start a conversation, we worry if it will be interesting. And we forget how important it is to listen. And the guarantee of pleasant and effective communication is precisely in this, it seems to me. You need to listen actively: ask questions, be vividly and sincerely interested in the interlocutor, try to understand what topics cause him sincere delight, from which his eyes burn. It is necessary to give the interlocutor more space in the dialogue, and not fill the entire broadcast with yourself, ”notes Alexander.
Don't be intrusive
If the conversation does not go well and the interlocutor is clearly not happy with your company, it is senseless and tactless to continue trying to charm him. Not all conversations are destined to be interesting, and that's okay. Sometimes even the most open-minded people simply don't have the mood to get to know each other. And sometimes it turns out that someone does not like you personally, and this is also not a tragedy. As soon as you notice that the dialogue has exhausted itself, politely say goodbye and leave.
“It so happens that a person is not in the mood. Well, he does not want to get acquainted, he is all in his thoughts and did not count on any small talk at all. I try to feel it and somehow flow away. All the same, contact has already been established - it is quite possible that at the next meeting it will be possible to communicate.
There is no need to reinvent the wheel: you can say that you are going to wash your hands, smoke or make a call. It is necessary, of course, to wait for some natural pause in the conversation, not to interrupt the interlocutor, ”Anna advises.
“The longer you watch people, the better you will notice the difference between someone who doesn't react very openly to you and someone who reacts negatively. In the first case, you should try to create a comfortable atmosphere, and in the second, you just have to blame, this is obvious, ”Ivan notes.
Practice more
Learning any skill requires practice first, and the art of small talk is no exception. It is possible that at first you will be terribly nervous and even get into a couple of really awkward situations. But over time, the fear will go away. And the experience gained will help to better feel people and become more and more pleasant interlocutor.
“Feeling someone else's boundaries, someone else's subjectivity - emotional and intellectual - is a matter of practice. This cannot be learned at any theoretical level, ”says Anna.
“You just do it over and over, and at some point all the nervousness goes away. This is what the actors do: they repeat over and over again what is unusual for them in order to get into the role, ”explains Ivan.
