Changing Perception Filters - NLP

[Teacher]

So, neurolinguistic programming is the interaction of a set of models and principles, such as mind, speech, cognition, body language (facial expressions, gestures, etc.) and their influence on the formation of a subjective reality in an individual. Having understood how his internal models work, a person will be able to program the mechanism of their interaction using the models of behavior of famous and successful people.

One of the NLP exercises is called - Walking in other people's makasin
In essence, NLP is a powerful mindset that can help you accelerate the achievement of your personal and professional goals. This is a special type of interpersonal communication, which is devoted to the study of the relationship between the model of behavior and the subjective experiences of an individual, especially the way of thinking that underlies them.

The system of alternative therapy, based on NLP techniques, aims to use one's self-awareness, coupled with effective methods of communication, and completely change (replace) one's models of mental and emotional behavior. This "mind user guide" allows you to use body language to consistently achieve the desired results. An individual chooses a successful personality for himself and copies her behavior model using the techniques of neurolinguistic programming.

By studying NLP, you learn the specific skills and techniques needed to make positive changes in your mind, get new ways to get rid of bad habits and trigger the mechanisms of self-destruction of your old, ineffective behaviors. Thus, you begin to understand yourself and the people around you more fully.

As an example, consider our perception of reality. We get to know the world around us using a set of filters. This experience is first filtered by the senses. And what they are able to perceive is only a small piece of the world that really surrounds us. Here we can say with confidence that we are out of contact with reality, since the “material” filtered by the biological instruments of our body passes through a complex system of another type of filters. These are family, education, culture, friends, enemies, social institutions, teachers and so on. NLP tries to convey to a person that after such filtering, an individual perceives only a small piece of territory, but does not see the whole map of the world.

When you learn to see in a new way, adequately perceiving the surrounding reality, then your model of behavior will change for the better. Agree, it is difficult not to change something in yourself, except for very old habits, when you know how to do it. Simply put, neurolinguistic programming teaches to distinguish, recognize, see, design, choose, define, notify, hear, understand, comprehend and implement the knowledge gained, translating it into concrete results. When you perceive something, then you will react to it, right? And how you react will determine your behavior. And your results in life and at work will directly depend on how you behave.

The boundary of perception determines what you get out of life. If you do not feel where it goes, you will not be able to adjust your filtering system and deprive yourself of all the fullness of the vision of the world around you, leaving the "tuning" of the filters of perception to your subconscious. The methods and practices of neurolinguistic programming are called upon to find this border and change it, deliberately correcting their individual filters of perception.

These ways have a profound effect on how you feel and react. They pass by all the beliefs, postulates and assumptions that are screwed into our brains by education, religious training, society, your social status, family, teachers, fashion trends, TV advertising, depression, etc. This whole tangle is your today's spiritual "I am". And you unconsciously and out of habit perceive your world through thick lenses of beliefs and assumptions.

Surely, intuition tells you that there are levers by pulling which you can achieve a change in your behavior. This can be done only by changing your perception! Questions like: "How would you feel if ...?" or "Look at it from the other side" helps people to feel the boundary of perception and readjust their filtration systems, realizing reality in a new way. This can be called thinking filtering.

This way of thinking allows the individual to receive information that is useful and beneficial and that makes him feel more perfect. This filtering system filters out erroneous, inaccurate or derogatory information that makes a person feel helpless and weak.

But this is where the problem lies. How can you start to see something differently than you saw it before? Albert Einstein said: "The world that we have created is the result of the level of thinking that we have and this world still creates problems that we are not able to solve, staying at this level of thinking." A person does not know what he does not know. Few people are given to see the world through new lenses, using inner possibilities. The easiest way to do this is by borrowing another person's filters. This will help in a short time to look at the world in a new way.

NLP programs contain one of the easiest and most painless ways that any individual can master to get an idea of making changes to their perception filters. This event is called "WALKS IN ANOTHER MOKASINS". This is a mental penetration into the experience of another person and an attempt at a new vision of the world through his filters of perception. A big plus of this method is the achievement of mutual understanding with almost any person, regardless of gender, age, social status and other differences.

How can I do that? First you need to practice with a friend or colleague who wants to take part in the game. Let's call him / her "model". You will be a fashion designer. You ask the model to go about their normal daily activities. Your task is to become the shadow of the model. That is, completely copy her behavior - movements, voice, gait, head tilt, posture, breathing rate, etc. Thus, the fashion designer must become a model and enter his / her mental area of perception.

After ten minutes, the fashion designer stops the exercise and communicates his experience and perception as a model. For example: "I noticed that the petals changed color and the leaves changed shape, my fingers became more sensitive, I noticed more small details than before, the birdsong became louder."

With a little practice, you can easily apply these practices even to strangers in a crowded room. For example, in the airport lounge or just walking down the street. What are the benefits of this method? You will truly see and hear what previously escaped your attention. You will also experience a real sense of rapport with the person you have modeled. This can be very helpful when working with children, public speaking and when negotiating. And yet, it will give you a head start for further fundamental study of other, more advanced, NLP techniques. By copying the models of experts in various fields, you can open up new horizons for yourself using their perception filters.

 

[Tomcat]

NLP: presuppositions (practice)​

Today I will talk about a topic that well complements the topic of language tricks and future topics that will be revealed (for example, the Meta-model).
This topic will give you the fundamental knowledge of creating and manipulating the reality of your opponent. The topic is easy, so I think you will not have any difficulties in understanding it

Let's start with the concept itself.
Presuppositions are the axioms of the reality created by speech. For example, in order for the phrase: "The Queen of Great Britain to travel by train today" - these very queen, Great Britain and electric trains must exist. Otherwise, there is no sense in this phrase. So the presence of a queen, Great Britain and an electric train are precisely the axioms of this reality - they are presupposed.
It is very easy to find out what is a presupposition: put a negation in front of the phrase and what will not change is precisely a presupposition.
- Leaving the room you will remember me
- Without leaving the room, you will remember me, - “remember me” remains. However, like the presence of a room, you and me.

How it works?
Presuppositions create a reality in which only the necessary choices exist.
- Do you understand that you can handle the situation? - in this reality, a person is able to cope with the situation, whatever it may be.
- Will you come to us tomorrow morning or afternoon? - and in this reality a person "comes to us" in any case. True, he has a choice - in the morning or in the afternoon.
Presuppositions are characterized by the fact that they distract consciousness, which is quite procedural and straightforward - with the help of questions, choices, and sequential instructions.
- How interesting are you to read this article?
- You can read the article first, and then practice presuppositions, or practice right in the course of reading.
Presuppositions work really well. But they need to be served correctly. If all speech consists of some explicit presuppositions, this can be seriously annoying for the listeners. Also, these very listeners are badly affected by the wrong non-verbal labeling of these phrases - tension, excitement, etc. They (listeners) begin to strain, worry, consciousness crawls out and ...

Another example:
- You can pay by card or cash
- Yes, I was not going to buy anything at all.

So calmness, rapport and respect for the interlocutor.
If the presupposition goes too far against his intentions - well, he is not going to buy right now - there is no need to impose such a harsh reality. You can do it more gently.
- I see that you have been choosing a sofa for a long time and this one has especially interested you. Perhaps you should examine it again and make a final decision.
The correct use of presuppositions is the foundation of any effective NLP communication. Because presuppositions determine this very communicative reality, and if you control them, then reality will be as intended, and if you do not control, reality will not be quite the same. Because sometimes all sorts of funny constructions creep from within, limiting beliefs appear, which, although they allow you to pull out your own problems, create a painfully stupid reality.

- Only such a loser as I could do it!
- When you realize that you don't like me, tell me right away.

Well, why should another person believe in a new one - bright, beautiful, correct, otherwise what is the point? - reality, if you yourself do not fully believe. It's our own limitations that come into play. So effectiveness starts with yourself, with understanding the goals and understanding the consequences. If someone says that you can learn a couple of techniques and everything will work out: - In this case, will you tell her "to you or to me?" and it is yours - you are being cruelly deceived.

If you want to find all forms of presuppositions, refer to the book:
NLP practitioner. Full course Mikhail Plekhaty, Yuri Chukchurin

 

[Brother]

NLP: Conversational Reframing​

If your wife cheated on you, rejoice that she cheated on you and not your fatherland.
AP Chekhov

Our inner goals - intentions - are within. And we live in the real world. And he somehow happened to be outside. And now you need to connect these very intentions with what is happening in the world. We do this with meaning (meaning). That is, a meaning is attributed to an event in the external world, which links the event and value together.
That is why meanings play such a great importance in our life: external events are connected with our inner world exclusively by the way of attributing meaning to these very external events.
- She looks askance at me - he doesn't like me.
- If you are late several times in a row, then you do not appreciate your work.
- If I swim 5 meters, it means that I have learned to swim.
The process of "comprehending", that is, attributing meaning to anything, is very subjective, irrational and incomprehensible. Especially if you are not the same person who ascribes these same meanings. But I really want to influence this process. So that the meanings are as needed. US.

• Another name for this process is evaluation. That is, o-valuing, linking with values.

Let me introduce you - reframing. A wonderful model of how you can play with meaning and change the assessment of events.

What is "reframing"​

From English, reframe can be translated both as replacing a picture in a frame, and replacing a frame for a picture.
Considering that the word "frame" in NLP is usually used as "a way to perceive a situation", then reframing takes on a very deep and important meaning that is lost during translation. One of the more or less decent translations of the word "reframing" into even more Russian is reformation. But this word is a little confusing, because it does not give a complete picture of this approach. But it explains something.
The general idea of reframing (aka reframing) is another combination of elements to get a new, more acceptable state. Clever? Now for an example.
You are sitting in the woods. You have a fire burning. In order for the fire to burn for a long time, it is advisable to put large logs or logs. Then they are enough for a long time. But after a certain time, the flame becomes weaker. What are you doing? Get up and wiggle these same logs. And the flames are getting hotter. You are not adding anything new, you are simply changing the "combination of elements".
Reframing is the ability to move the logs to achieve the most appropriate flame.
Another example is the position of furniture in a room. Have you ever rearranged furniture in the room? Then you have lost a lot. With furniture like: you have arranged it, and it seems to you that this is what you need. But after a while you find that something is wrong. It seems like nothing, but it hurts not convenient. The table interferes with the approach to the window, and the overhead light interferes with reading while lying on the couch. What will you do in this case? Correctly - rearrange.
Perhaps, after some time, the situation will change and you will again want permutations.
At the sensory level, reframing can be explained as follows. Remember an unpleasant situation from the past, but only to have a picture with a border. Panorama won't work. Happened? Wonderful. Now place this picture in a white frame. Simple white frame. Who has changed their perception of the situation?
- It became more fun.
- She became more neutral.
- She became frozen.
Fine. Now let the frame turn black.
- Oh, it got much worse.
- It seems that someone has died.
Make the frame gold. You know, like in old paintings - a heavy gold frame.
- It became very important for me. This situation has become just terrible.
- For me, she just became a picture - something abstract.
Now imagine a frame with twinkling lights. Such multi-colored flashes. Or blinking Christmas lights.
- It's even fun.
- Some kind of comedy.
You can experiment for a long time. Therefore, choose the frame that is more suitable for the perception of this situation. You can also return it to its original state.
And note - we didn't change the content, we just changed the frame. And this gave dramatic changes in the perception of the situation.

Conversational reframing​

1. A hedgehog stands on a stump and shouts:
2. - I'm strong! I'm strong! I'm strong!
3. The Bear is walking by, he listened - and how he blows on the hedgehog. Togo is carried away to the bushes.
4. The hedgehog gets up and says:
5. - I am strong, but light!

Reframing allows you to change your assessment, play with meaning. And this can be done even in simple everyday conversation. Let's do this: first I'll show you a few examples, and then we'll figure out how this very reframing works. You will now speak value judgments, and I give examples of reframing.
- I came to work today at 9.40.
So what? This is only a message about a fact, an event. There is no rating here.
- I was ten minutes late for work yesterday.
You have a good memory, if you remember it even today.
- Zaporozhets is a bad car.
But small and cheap.
- My boss annoys me.
This speaks of your professionalism. If you are ready to follow the orders of the person you do not like ...
- I'm greedy.
I would call it frugality.
- I don't like my job.
You are a very responsible person if you still go to it. There is little challenge in doing what you like.
- Nobody loves me.
This is a reason to change something in your life.
- I am too lazy.
But you won't make unnecessary mistakes.
- And what, it is enough to tell a person: "you are not greedy, you are thrifty" - and everything will change?
Oddly enough, sometimes yes. But not always. One of the most important conditions for reframing to work is getting into the map. Reframing is how it works - a person is turned in the other direction and shown: this may be so. Now, if "maybe so" matches his map, reframing will work with a high degree of probability.
- So reframing is just a way to expand the map?
Yes, this is one way to expand the map. Very often a person does not "see" other assessment options. You show them to him. He scratches his heads and exclaims: "Oh, how it turns out!"
- What are the necessary conditions for reframing to work?
The rapport is the first and foremost condition. All speech techniques require rapport. Trust in the source. Otherwise, all these "nested commands" will be filtered out.
- Do we always change the rating from negative to positive?
It depends on your goals. Quite often, you need to do the exact opposite:
“This is not politeness, it's just an outright lie !
For many people, in order for them to pay attention to the situation, it takes a shake-up. They really may have no idea how their behavior is judged by other people. And if you are "diplomatic" with them all the time, they sincerely think that everything is great.
Reframing is just one way to manage grades. One of the consequences of using it incorrectly is depriving other people of quality feedback. If you tell your child all the time that “this is not hot temper, this is just emotionality,” you can get the result of a person who does not at all try to control his own emotions. Simply because he was convinced from childhood that it is "normal".

A very tactful Englishman does not know how to tell the secretary that she is fired ... And he puts it this way:
“Miss Jones, you are doing your job so well that I don't even know what we would have done without you. But from Monday we will try.

Reframing is a tool. And what you do with it depends primarily on you. In short, you need to think. And about the consequences as well.
- What is reframing used for?
The first is for tuning. Because people react to meaning, you can give the situation a meaning that allows you to adjust, rather than causing conflict. Compare:
- Let's talk about your slowness.
- Let's talk about your somewhat overly responsible attitude to business.
Secondly, it is a way of changing meaning. That is, it is used when it is necessary to change the assessment of an event by another person. For example, if you need to change the attitude of parents towards the behavior of the child, the buyer towards the characteristics of the product, the boss towards the work you have done, etc.
At the stage of adjustment, "positive" reframing is more often used (except for those people, for adjusting to which it is necessary to "cut the truth-womb" as they imagine it), and at the stage of influence - the one that will give the maximum effect.

Structure​

What determines the meaning of an event? First, what is actually happening. Event. Secondly, in what context it is happening: it is one thing to shout "Ay" loudly when you are in the forest, and another thing - at three in the morning at home.

Then, in order to change the meaning:

• - we can directly say that this event has a different meaning;
• - we can place this event in a different context, and the meaning will also become different.

Accordingly, they talk about two types of conversational reframing: meaning and context .
When reframing meaning, you are simply communicating that the event has a completely different meaning.
When reframing a context, you place an event in a context in which the meaning of that event will change.

So, in order to do reframing, we need to know both the event and the meaning. If we only have one thing, reframing won't work.

Reframing meaning​

1. - The girl comes to confess to the Priest:
2. - Holy Father, I am a sinner. Every morning I go to the mirror, examine myself and think: "How beautiful I am!"
3. - What are you, My Daughter! This is not a sin, it is delusion.

Once a man, a banker, came to the famous psychologist Virginia Satir and brought his daughter.
- She doesn't listen to me. She's stubborn , ”he said.
Virginia talked to him for a bit, then said:
- You have achieved everything yourself? You were not left with an inheritance, you did not have a father who would simply hand over the management of the bank to you?
- Yes! I achieved everything myself! I started from scratch!
- And you were persistent in achieving your goal?
- Oh yeah! I worked like an ox.
“So why don't you like the fact that your daughter has inherited your qualities. Why is she so persistent ?
- Yes indeed! Thanks. We're going ...
This story really happened. And the situation itself has not changed in it. The girl's behavior has not changed. It's just that her father began to attribute a completely different meaning to her behavior. Stubbornness turned into persistence!
Another story.
I have a familiar married couple. The basketball-sized wife came out in a new very mini-skirt. Her husband asks her:
- Do the grandmas spit?
- Yes.
- So that's what you need.
In order to reframe meaning, you need to either know the meaning that a person attaches to the event, or guess exactly about it. If a girl says, " I feel awkward when men are looking at me," then that can mean a lot of different things. For example, she may assume that when men are looking at her, they want her sexually; that she has pimples on her face, and she is ashamed of it; that she attracts too much attention; that they pay attention to her awkwardness (real or perceived).
And in order for reframing to work, you need to know this value. You can ask a direct question: "What does this mean for you?" Or you can, relying on intuition, make the most appropriate reframing and track the reaction - if you do not hit, the Client will inform you about it (verbally or non-verbally).
- I feel awkward when men look at me.
- What's wrong with someone like you?
- This is bad! He is good enough for me as a father, but still there ...
Here you can react in different ways:
- Or maybe you just remind him of his daughter?
“But if you evoke strong feelings even in an older man, chances are you look very attractive.
Etc.

Reframing the Context​

- Wife to husband:
- Honey, today, at lunchtime, I ran into your office and took $ 300 from your jacket pocket.
- It's okay, I haven't been working there for two weeks now ...

In re-shaping the context, you are not changing the value directly, but are looking for a situation where the given behavior will have a completely different meaning.
For example, anger can be useful in sports ( sports anger ), aggressiveness in a fight, greed in learning ( greed for knowledge ), and so on.
- I'm too silent.
- But you can't say anything superfluous.
- The bosses love the silent.
When I was doing rebirthing, I came across a piece of paper entitled "100 Ways to Change Your Attitude to the Situation." There were just 100 options for reframing the context. Here is one, which seemed to me the most amusing: "But there will be something to remember afterwards."
But I think you are flexible enough to understand that the division into re-forming the context and re-forming the meaning is rather arbitrary. For any evaluative message, you can do either type of reframing or the other.

Quite structurally​

For lovers of complete certainty.
In my opinion, excessive structure when using reframing only hinders. But for some, this approach helps in learning.
If you can boil it down to " I'm too Z, " then you're reframing the context. Phrases "answer" begin with " but ... "
- I'm too emotional.
- But women like emotional men.
- I spend too much time on myself.
“But you don't have time for any nonsense.
If you can reduce the statement to the expression: "I feel X when Y happens" (and X is some kind of unpleasant experience), then you are reframing the content. "Answer" phrases begin with "this means ..."
- Lustful looks annoy me.
“ That means you need to dress worse so you don't look so attractive.
(lustful looks => look attractive).
- It pisses me off when my daughter disobeys me.
- It means that your daughter grows up and becomes independent.
(does not obey => becomes independent).
Usually, if the context is given vaguely enough: "I'm generally irritable ...", then you reframe the context .
If the situation is more specific: "I get annoyed when my boss yells at me ...", then you reframe the meaning .

Exercise "Name it differently"​

1. - Somehow the Fox comes to the Hare and asks to write a description of the Donkey. He, without hesitation, writes: "Stupid and stubborn."
2. - But this is a characteristic for increasing, - Lisa is indignant.
3. - And what to write?
4. - Write: "Steadfast in my beliefs and persistent in achieving them."

This is one of the features of the language - to name the same action differently. And then the assessment changes. At one time we talked about the " Great October Revolution" , in the early 90s they began to talk about the " October revolt" , and now they use the phrase " October Revolution" . The phrase conveys an assessment, an attitude, although the event itself does not change.
This ability to play with the meanings of words can be very useful to you in life. First, you can always overestimate your own actions:
- The money that was taken away from me is my tuition fee.
Secondly, you can set the event assessment that seems more useful and correct to you:
- We have now heard different points of view on the situation (after the quarrel between the spouses).
An example of this reframing is shown regularly in American films. After a fight or a skirmish, someone says a phrase like: - We all got a little excited now ...

Exercise​

You are united in groups of 4-6 people. Your task is to come up with as many pairs of words or phrases as possible that mean the same action or quality, but with different ratings.
laziness - saving energy;
greed is frugality;
boring - persistence;
the informer is socially active;
tasteless - original;
careerist - a person who wants to achieve a lot in life;
hysterical - emotional;
deceit is diplomacy.

Exercise "I'm too ..."​

And one more exercise.
Take a piece of paper and write one statement like " I'm too ... " on it:
- I spend too much time on the computer.
- I'm too distracted!
- I am too lazy.
- I'm too gullible.
Then you find yourself a mate and change leaves. Your task is to collect as many responses to your application as possible and respond to others. The answer should begin with the word " But ..." and indicate the situation, place or occasion, where and when it will be very necessary and useful.
- I am too lazy.
But you won't make unnecessary mistakes.
But you only do the most important things.
- I'm too gullible.
But you trust people.
- I'm too distracted.
But you will not waste time on a bunch of unnecessary things.
But it reduces the load.
Try to collect as many options as possible.
- After I read what they wrote to me, everything became somehow more calm and pleasant.
- I wrote: "I am too obedient." And here is one of the answers that I liked the most: "But you will be a good wife."
- And I saw my problem as if from other sides. And from there, everything is seen not so problematic.
- And mine is even cooler. I used to suffer from this, but now I even like it.

A comment​

In the first exercise, when you were looking for another word for an event, it was a reframing of the meaning , and when you came up with an answer with "But", it was a reframing of the context. These are just a few of the options.
Remember the problem model is an unbalanced balance, on one side of which is the Desired State, and on the other - what we have at the moment. The solution to the problem is to restore balance. And, as you can imagine, this can be done in different ways. You can give a person what he lacks, or you can change desires.
But there is another way. Imagine a rocker with two full buckets of different sizes suspended from it. Water will not spill if the fulcrum is chosen correctly.
So in life: it is very important to find a point of view that will help you find harmony.
Reframing is an opportunity to go beyond the limits, to look at the event from the other side. Reframing the content does not change the behavior itself or the desires. It only changes the attitude, as a result of which the desired balance is achieved. And I hope you already understand that sometimes it is more effective to help a person change their own behavior so that they can achieve what they want, and sometimes it is more useful to change their attitude.
If the problem is declared as a negative perception of the environment or oneself (the husband does not like, the weather is always bad, the work is disgusting, children are impossible ), then, in my opinion, it is more useful to change the assessment of the situation. It is also effective to use content reframing if a person does not like something that he cannot influence. If the stated problem is behavioral difficulties (I can't change jobs, I can't learn English, I don't know how to refuse ), then conversational reframing is likely to help less.
Sometimes, though, changing your grade helps a lot when changing behavior, and vice versa.
Everything here will depend on the client's wishes and on his card. Conversational reframing is a very simple and at the same time very difficult thing. By itself, it is simple, but you need to pick it up so that it matches the card of another person as much as possible.
For example, for some people, reformation will be almost universal: "But this is a reason to work on yourself." But for other people, this option will not be suitable.
Plus, reframing should be perceived (and presented) as VERY IMPORTANT. Only in this case will it be really effective. As a joke, it probably won't work.
But this is also for someone like.

Let's figure it out​

Now you will again issue value judgments, and I will do reframing. But not just like that, but with comments, explanations and various examples.
- I don't like my appearance.
- The main thing is that others like her.
This is a re-shaping of the context. The person himself evaluates his appearance, and you change the context - for the evaluation by others.
- And if others also don't like his appearance?
If a person thinks so, then it is worth doing another reframing. Or work with the phrase: "others do not like my appearance."
But in any case, you will receive additional information.
And you can do other reframing, for example meaning:
- So, you are very demanding of yourself.
In this version, you also add a second meaning: "very demanding" can mean both "too demanding" and "very careful".
Or other context reframings:
- I like this.
- It gives you a reason to do more with yourself.
- If everyone liked their looks, the cosmetics industry would not even appear.
In my opinion, the most important task here is to show the relativity of the assessment. You help the person to notice other options for assessing this situation.
More options.
- When my wife yells at me, I become aggressive.
First, I would gather a little information:
- If they yelled at me all the time, I would also beat the dishes.
- My wife does not shout at me all the time. Only if we have a conflict.
- So you break the dishes during the conflict?
- I do not break dishes. I shout back.
- That is, when your wife shouts at you during a conflict, you shout back?
- Yes, probably so.
- At least you are quite rigged: both yell at each other.
- HM. Yes.
- What has changed for you?
- I don't quite quite ... But this situation began to be perceived differently. There was an understanding, I suppose. Perhaps my cry is really one of the manifestations of our interaction. And I remember - we kind of wind each other up. Probably you just need to stop earlier, or even better, just not to start.
- And what, he will not yell at his wife now?
I do not know. But there was a reassessment, he took responsibility for the situation and on himself too. Before that, he seemed to only react, but another person was to blame for everything that was happening. I think this will change his behavior.
- Why not use a meta-model to collect information?
In a sense, I used it. Just not in the classic version, but in a more provocative one.
That is, I did not ask directly the questions "at what moment exactly is your wife yelling at you?" and "what exactly do you do when you become aggressive?" And he gave me more specific information in response.
- Was it necessary to collect additional information here? Why not reframe right away?
You can reframe right away. If it doesn't work, you will get more information and can do another reframing. This is one approach. In any case, for effective reframing, you usually need to have an idea of the Client card. But in what way it will be done is no longer so important.

Exercise "Training"​

The little camel is talking to her mother.
- Mom, I have humps on my back, and the deer has such a smooth back ...
“But thanks to these humps, you can go without water for many days.
- Mom, I have such huge ugly hooves, and the deer are so small, pretty ...
“But you don't fall through when you walk on the sand.
- Mom, my hair is in shreds, and the deer has such a smooth fur ...
- But you will not freeze in the cold and not burn in the sun.
- Yes, mom, but why is all this here at the zoo?

You are united in micro-groups of 5-6 people. The leader declares a value judgment, and everyone else, in a circle, makes a reformation - whatever happens, either the context or the meaning. Naturally, you cannot repeat yourself.
After everyone has done their reframings, the next one in the circle becomes the Driver.
You can ask the Leader questions, but only to further clarify the picture.
Okay, now take a map. And now, regardless of the type of the declared problem, you must definitely do:
Reframing values if the suit is black.
Reframing the context if the suit is red.
- When you take your clothes off, it's very easy to come up with it. And in my head there is not one option, but several. It remains only to choose the best one.
- Indeed, almost any problem can be reduced to both the re-shaping of meaning and the re-shaping of the context.
- And we came across the fact that no reframing options just fit. When they later discussed it, it turned out that the person still wanted to change the behavior, not the attitude.
Wonderful! Be very attentive to what other people want. Conversational reframing is amazing, but it can't work anytime, anywhere, for the simple reason that people don't always want to change their attitude. More often than not, it is more important for them to change their behavior.
But! Reframing can be very helpful in dealing with changing this behavior. Or be the first step. If the problem does not look very dire, it is easier to approach and solve it.

Exercise "Rebuff"​

Reframing allows you to transform not only other people's problems, but also to cut off "assaults" - certain non-ecological statements addressed to you. This is where you're going to practice.
Team up in groups of 4-5 people. The game goes in a circle. The group comes up with negative qualities of a person (not necessarily existing in reality), and he responds with a phrase starting with “but ...” (context reframing). After “but” comes a message that this quality is useful to him. Moreover, he finds another word denoting the same quality, but with a positive assessment (meaning reframing). Somewhere 4-5 sentences each.
- You are hot-tempered.
- But men like passionate women.
- You have a squint.
- But the light slanting gives me a special charm.
Here your task is simply to train in the spontaneous ability to re-shape the "arrivals", that is, to maintain a personal ecology.

Reframing in sales and negotiations​

Before that, we talked more about changing attitudes towards a person or his behavior. But quite often you need to change the assessment to the subject. This can be especially important in the context of sales and negotiations. When you need to show "product by face".
- Of course, Volvo is more expensive than Zhiguli, but it is also of higher quality!
- If you buy a cheap bag, you will not be sorry to throw it out in a month and buy a new one.
- Buying an expensive leather bag, you understand that it will serve you for a long time and you will not have to throw it out in a month.
Here you link the characteristics of the product (which may be objectionable) to the values of the Client. Give them a completely different meaning. Good example. One firm that ranked second in the market used this in the slogan: "Since we are second, we can not carelessly treat customers." And even when they became the first, they left this slogan.
We play. You express dissatisfaction or doubt about the characteristics of a product or service, and I do reframing.
- Your prices are too high.
This is so that we can offer you a good discount.
- There is a lot of synthetics in the fabric of this shirt.
This means that it is easy to iron and washable well.
- Your sellers don't explain anything.
This is so that you can make a completely independent choice.
- It's just a skill of lying!
No, it's just a skill to see different sides of any event. And the ability to help others see it.

Exercise "Product by face"​

In pairs. One of you will play the picky Buyer, and the other will play the quick-witted Seller. The Buyer expresses doubts or claims about the goods, and the Seller reframes.

Briefly​

Sense (assessment) is the "linking" of an event in the external world of a person and a value - an internal goal of a person. - Reframing is a way to change the assessment of an event.
You can change the assessment both by offering a different version of the meaning (reframing the meaning), and by placing the event in a different context (reframing the context).
A prerequisite for the "triggering" of reframing is the presence of a rapport.
In order to make a successful reframing, you need to get into a person's card (adjustment by card).
Reframing is used to both fine tune and create changes.