Bully Psychology: Narcissism, Decreased Empathy, and Fear of Failure

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What really motivates people who constantly behave aggressively and like to humiliate others: at school, at work, or in their social circle? Answer: fears and psychological trauma.

Born bullies deliberately make their victims feel worthless. In the social field around them, the aggressors constantly see competitors. They are trying not only to humiliate them, but also to show their superiority over these losers, to destroy their self-esteem. As in competitive sports, where winners are perceived versus losers, bullies identify themselves through their victims. Their self-esteem depends on the possibility of persecuting the vanquished: I am a winner because you are a loser.

Recent studies have shown that bullies have normal or somewhat high self-esteem (at least in the areas of physical attractiveness and popularity), but they are also extremely sensitive to shame and their own failure. As clinical psychologist Maria Lamia says, fear of dishonor is what the bully is trying to hide. He becomes enraged at his own failures and shortcomings, so he begins to humiliate others, thus asserting himself at their expense.

Bully and narcissists follow the same behavioral strategies. Perhaps it even makes sense to note their close relationship: all bullies are narcissists with an exaggerated sense of their own worth and reduced sympathy for their victims. Consequently, many narcissists become aggressive bully, as happened, for example, with Lance Armstreng, who actively used the legal system and access to the media to humiliate his rivals or people whose statements and actions were contrary to his interests.

Many bullies grow up in dysfunctional families. Infamous NFL player Richie Incognito himself was abused as a child. Lance Armstrong was abandoned by his biological father, while his stepfather often punished him with a belt. As these people grew up, they found ways to compensate for their injuries by humiliating others.

We can better understand what unconsciously drives the bully by understanding what emotions they are trying to provoke in their victims. For a bully, these people are projections of what he himself fears to become - a failure.