Many people, when meeting new people or a team, are characterized by some shyness and uncertainty. Thoughts immediately appear, how will we be received? Will they like me, will they please me? Etc. In most cases, contact is made, but sometimes the connections that we need are not made. Warm and trusting relationships with adults around us. Associated with these situations is the concept of "basic trust."
How is trust built? Why does an adult have this kind of problem?
According to the latest dictionaries on ethics.
Trust is formed in childhood, at all stages of a child's development.
If we rely on the periodization of Eric Erickson, the following stages of the formation of trust can be distinguished.
Can I trust the world? (0-1 years old)
Coming to a hostile world, which is no longer always warm and protected. And the first stage of building trust begins. Did mom and dad accept the child? Does she follow him in full, the baby needs. The child has no means of conveying information to the mother, so he completely relies on her. And if the mother does not accept him, cares little, then the child already puts a small tick - the world is not so safe.
Can I control my own behavior? (2-3 years)
The child learns everything. Walk. Talk. An opinion appears. He realizes that he is not the center of the universe, and mom has other things to do besides him. He checks every minute that she hasn't left and is there. And mom and dad are often very busy. But since they want only good for the child, they buy him everything that can protect him - from walkers to the arena, and thereby create a world of illusions for him without their presence. You cannot fall from the walker, and the baby does not essentially study his body. Everything in the arena is soft, and he does not know what corners are. This substitution disrupts the adult's contact and involvement in the child's life, and makes the world even more insecure.
Can I be independent? I am myself. (4-5 years old)
An important stage of the child in the formation of his trust in people and the world. Usually he already knows how to walk, and he has a small vocabulary, at last he can contact the world. It is good if he is allowed this contact. But often his parents reject his help. Because it's easier to do it yourself than to entrust a little inept child to get dressed, clean up after himself, eat from a spoon. And the child begins to distrust himself already, and since the parents protect him from everything, the child gets the impression that he is being protected from the world, and he is hostile in all manifestations.
Can I become skillful enough to survive and adapt to the world? I'm in a brave new world. (6-11 years old)
The child goes to school, but he has already formed a certain distrust of the world. The school can only confirm it if teachers and peers cling to him and he cannot find a company for himself. Mom and Dad are gone, so there is no one to rely on. The child gradually begins to adapt. The first grades appear, and based on them, the children begin to evaluate each other. There may be a scenario in which a child who is getting good grades becomes rejected by his peers. Then he becomes disillusioned and withdraws into himself. Or, on the contrary, it becomes the life of the company, but often with poor grades. In such situations, the child compensates for the distrust either by grades or by playing with others in order to be accepted.
Who am I? What are my beliefs, views and positions? I'm almost an adult now. (12-20 years old)
Transitional age. Hormonal explosion. At this point, the formation of a position of trust ends. In negative scenarios, if the child is more introverted, then he becomes a loner, can go into the world of the Internet, where you can fully realize your emotions. After all, there, if desired, everything is anonymous. They understand there. The child does not go to adults or peers, since trust is not formed or is partially formed. If the child is more extroverted, then he is drawn to his peers. Parents' words are not considered to be something authoritative, and not handling crises properly, especially within the framework of trust, further exacerbates the conflict between parents and children. The child understands that the closest people do not trust him, and he can only rely on himself. The credibility of the world is crumbling.
If you look at other periodizations, you get about the same picture. Consider the first two stages of psychosexual development of a child, identified by Freud:
Oral
During feeding, the child is comforted by affection, swaying, persuasion. These rituals help relieve stress and may be associated with feeding (pleasure) by the infant. Attitudes regarding the surrounding world are formed: trust - distrust, dependence - independence, a sense of support or a fatal lack of outside help. Love skills are being formed.
Anal
There are two main parenting tactics associated with teaching a child to control their internal processes. If parents are flexible, reward their children, and praise the use of the toilet, it fosters a child's positive self-esteem and a stable relationship with the world. If, in the process of toilet training, the parents show intolerance and increased demands, the child develops protest reactions, which can subsequently transform into certain negative character traits (greed, excessive pedantry, anxiety, tendency to destruction) and tensions with the world.
Here are only two out of the five identified by Freud, but they demonstrate similar stages in most periodizations and the importance of the very first stage of human personality development as laying the foundation for trust in the world.
If we talk about how this ability manifests itself in adults, we can turn to transactional analysis. According to Eric Berne, a person has three Ego states: parent, adult and child. If during the passage of children's crises trust was undermined, then a person under the influence of emotions can be in two states out of three, parent and child, while the mature position of an adult is not developed, that is, he cannot translate it into the real world due to fears that he will not be accepted, as, for example, parents did in childhood, or because of distrust of himself. He either always protects all his acquaintances or friends from the world, or seeks this kind of protection. And, if we talk about relationships with other people, joining a new company, such a person adapts to it for a long time and painfully, proceeding either from the state of a controlling adult or from the state of a dependent child. As already noted, he needs to either protect or be protected. And the person is trying to understand who belongs to which category: who is the child, who is the parent. But not all others do this, they can build communication from all three states at the same time. This is a game, and in the company of adults in one state no one lingers for a long time, the roles are constantly changing, and sometimes very quickly. Our newcomer with broken trust does not know what to say to him and how, because he has only two schemes out of three, and it turns out that 1/3 of the messages either does not reach him, or he perceives them inadequately - through the prism of the position of a parent or a child. and in the company of adults in one state no one lingers for a long time, the roles are constantly changing, and sometimes very quickly.
It turns out that due to the upbringing and worldview formed in childhood, not every adult has a universal pattern of behavior for communicating in three positions at the same time. Such people have to choose for a long time suitable partners who are ready to communicate with them, broadcasting only two schemes they understand. Moreover, it is worth making a remark that often in such interaction only the “bad” part of the parent is manifested - exactingness, “I'm always right,” “I will teach you how to live,” and the “bad” part of the child is capriciousness, lack of will, “there should be everything in my opinion", etc. This is connected either with distrust of myself ("I cannot be myself"), or with distrust of the world ("I am not like everyone else, worse"). There are already quite a lot of disappointments in people associated with this, and a person comes to the conclusion that the world does not accept him. And the people around are to blame for this, they are not the same. This is one of the main reasons for this kind of difficulty in forming trusting relationships with people around you. Relationships become formal, unemotional, there is almost no hope of breaking through this wall. Only recognition of your emotions, subtle work with them and the desire to change something can help you cope with it. Relationships become formal, unemotional, there is almost no hope of breaking through this wall.
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